Because Of You, My Friend.

I started to search for another concept in my life. I owe you and thank you for causing me to learn the greatest lessons of life because at one point you were my friend. The jokes and laughter we used to share, I now realize that those moments were fake.  The repetition of specific habits that we used to do, and the laughter we shared, make my eyes wet and my heart ache for the moments I failed to keep while you were my friend. We ask, “Why do we have to be apart?” We swore to stay close using words like “forever”. That made us proud of our friendship, but now it’s a lesson to learn how words are so easy to say and difficult to accomplish. I learned because of you my friend.

People have excuses for everything. Its life’s fault when it comes to the reason behind the people we lost. Its destiny’s responsibility when it comes to the loved ones who left us. It’s God’s will to get hurt and keep silent. People always blame life, destiny & God sometimes, for the weaknesses that they have. But there is no one to blame but ourselves for choosing the wrong people to walk with us on our path. It’s not your mistake my friend that you were disloyal, it’s my fault for not reading the signs. It’s not that you were right that kept me silent, it’s my pride that led me to face you in a gentle way. Because you were my friend, now I know how to read the signs when God sends them to me, and I know how to distinguish the right people to walk on the same path with me.  I learned the most important lessons because of you, I wouldn’t have learned them if you were not in my life.

 I still miss you when I open the album that has the photos that we took during the amazing moments we shared. And as I recall those moments, I won’t lie to you, I confess that sometimes I still cry. I cry because I’m a human who has feelings that were hurt by the person who’s in the photo. And the same feelings start to confuse me, because I don’t know if it’s the scar that aches or the fact that I miss those days, but I learned how to skip the page and never regret those who caused me pain – yet another lesson I learned because you were my friend.

How do I stop loving you? I don’t know how. The pranks I used to do and the way you used to accept and return them, made me want to call you and ask you why you betrayed those moments. How could I stop thinking of you after you showed me the strength that’s within me? I was smiling when I was facing you with your lies, and I never knew how bold I was until then. I forgave you when it was so hard to be forgiving, and I didn’t have any idea how forgiving my heart can be until then. I wish you gave me a logical reason because back then, I didn’t know how sometimes people can be illogical. I learned how to accept goodbyes, not because I blame fate for knowing you, but because it was my mistake for trusting you, and that was another new lesson to learn, because of you my friend.

I don’t hate you, and I wouldn’t even if I could. Hatred is a feeling of weakness, when we can’t accept our loss. Some of us choose to hate, some choose to forget and others choose to learn and forgive. Sometimes, we lose something to gain in return, many other things. We are forced to be distant from people we used to know to meet other people that we should know. I’m lost when it comes to the meaning of “Friends”. We make promises, and spend days together more than we spend time with our real family. We stick together, and are there for each other for better and for worse. So how can we get separated in a split second and walk down different tracks after we were walking in the same direction? I’m lost when it comes to the meaning of this word. I don’t blame you because you were my friend; I was the one who called you by that name, and I’m the one to blame.

I changed the way I used to look towards people. I started to search for a new concept, where I am aware from the friends who are hiding behind that word, instead of being lost in the meaning of the word “Friends”. Because of you my friend, I’m now stronger than before. When you asked for my help, I was the bigger person who set aside my own pain that you caused, in order to help you. Because after I did that, I became at peace with myself, knowing that what I did will hopefully teach you a lesson from me about what I think the meaning of a “Friend” is.

 Jinan