Jinan Zeidan's Blog

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The Day He Left

  It was a moment, when my world collapsed in front of my eyes, I stood there paralyzed.. Couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.. In less than a moment, the laughter turned into screams.. My eyes were suddenly full of tears. I was lost in my place, didn’t know what to do. I was supposed to be preparing myself to leave home, but instead I was searching the rooms for nothing, searching for no one, trying to deal with what I heard turned in a moment my whole world. My grandpa passed away which shocked me since he was in good health. He left without any warning.. I wondered why the people we love the most all leave this life without having the chance to say goodbye..  On my way to my grandparents’ place, I kept on thinking of his smiling face; doubting myself to stand that heavy heart of mine and all the sorrow that just landed in my soul. My grandfather was a very special person.. Since the moment I opened my eyes on this life, I’ve never seen a frown on his face. His smile was a great part of his life. On my way to my grandparents’ place, memories of all the good days I shared with him since I was a little girl till the day he left were coming so fast on my mind. We were about to arrive to the place, but something inside of me was wishing for the first time to never reach the place. When we got near the house, I looked as usual at the place where I used to see him sitting under the apricot tree, I used to tell my brother “Look at my grandpa. He’s under the tree”, and he used to smile and wave for us before the car entered to the place and park. The first thing we used to do is head towards him, give him a hug and joke a little. Then we’d go and see my grandma. But today the moment I saw the apricot tree from distance, it was a bitter fact that his presence wasn’t there anymore. I couldn’t stand not seeing him there with his wonderful smile again. We got to the place; many cars were there; I crossed the road looking at the empty chair he left thinking something so precious was missing here. He’s not here anymore to decorate this place with his presence. It’s the first time I visit this place with tears. I kept convincing myself that he might be sleeping inside, I wanted to think that by the very short steps I’d take till I get to the door, he would be alive. The women I saw sitting on the balcony didn’t really give me the chance to lie at myself more, they were all sitting in silent wearing black, my world at that moment stopped, my heart was so heavy, I used to run to the door calling grand mom or grandpa, but now I can’t run. I felt like I needed a power to take me away from this place, I screamed from pain and fear, I asked the women about him, where is my grandpa? I just wanted one of them to say “Sitting in his room” but they never said that, everyone was crying, everyone was in a shock, he was at good health but his time in this life ended.

Next day in the funeral, I saw him for the last time. He was lying there as if he’s sleeping; I kept staring at him begging him silently to get up. My soul was aching.. It was a different kind of pain, never felt it before. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, I wanted to my eyes grow his image in my mind more and more. When it’s time to take him away, a piece of my heart went with him when he disappeared, for the words I screamed I wished if he had heard me, for the tears I cried to see his smile again, I spent years with my grandpa, he was spreading the laughter and the joy to my life but I never knew that in one day he will take them with him when he leaves this life. 

  We’d never think that our loved ones would leave us someday, maybe because when we look for them we always find them where we expect them to be. We feel that if we left them even for months and years, we’ll eventually find them there waiting for us. But when they leave us, it’s not their choice to leave without saying goodbye to their loved ones. We know how much their presence in our life was important more than anything. The little words they used to say, the way they used to look.. It all comes back to our mind.. We start to search for the very little memory we shared because it turns into a treasure, the more we recalled them, the more we become richer by adding their memories to our days. 
    I still see my grandpa everywhere, with smile upon his lips, and the light of love always shining from his eyes. Since I was a little girl and till the day he left, I’ve never seen him angry. He had a beautiful soul.. He was so lovable.. Even though he has left this world, his presence remains everywhere. It was not easy losing someone who was a great part of my life. Suddenly he left with so many memories to remain. I miss him so much though he left two weeks ago, but I’m feeling as if it has been a decade. Now I go to his place, I see emptiness everywhere, the chair he left under the apricot tree, his wonderful smile he used to welcome us when we arrive, his seat in the living room, his room, his books, his stick.. I forget sometimes that he’s not there, I expect him to enter the room, I hear sometimes his light footsteps walking in the corner.. I still smile when I recall his jokes and his words.. And every time it was time to leave his place he used to say “Where are you going? Stay for one more day or two. It’s early to leave, my daughter”. These days when I look at his pictures I say:” I’m still here grandpa, see? I didn’t go anywhere. You are the one who left me.” 
When death takes away those we love the most, we discover the new personality that was hidden inside of us. Some might find out that they are stronger than they were thinking, some people might find out how weak they are no matter how much they think they are strong. It’s not about weakness or strength, it’s about how ready we are to accept the loss.. We do have faith to accept it, we do believe that we are leaving this life sooner or later ,but it’s about the emptiness they leave behind them, the places that no one will fill after them. It’s so hard to deal with the idea of losing someone, because where ever we might go we see them in these places without having the ability to touch them or hug them, we will always be hearing their voices. We feel like they are so close to us but also so far away.. This is the feeling that makes us suffer, this is the feeling that makes us lose our minds and search for those who just left life from moment we go scream searching for them and asking people if they had seen them.. But deep inside we know they left us, no one will ever see them again.. 
  

   Jinan

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January 9, 2011 - Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Grandfather, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Nature, others, Parents, Past, Peace, photos, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words, youth

17 Comments »

  1. I know all too well Your feelings my friend….I remember when my Grandmother and Aunt went home…there are no words…Thank You…

    Heavily,

    ReubenAngelo

    Comment by Reuben Angelo | March 4, 2011 | Reply

  2. I cried with u jinan, and i do remember him sitting under his tree with his usual smile… I wish for him to rest in peace…

    Comment by Rajaa | January 23, 2011 | Reply

  3. Dear Jinan,
    In times of deepest sorrow,
    When tears may cloud our eyes,
    We feel our grief is endless
    But then we realise,
    That sorrow is the memory
    Of a happy yesterday
    And memories live on and on
    While sorrows fade away

    I don’t remember the author but truer words were not written. These words have given me courage time and again ever since I was a young teenager.

    Your beautiful spirit is an extension of his pure soul which will live through your words and your memories. He is just a thought away and always in your heart.

    May your pain be eased by his beautiful memories.

    Love & hugs
    Gul

    Comment by goolcher | January 11, 2011 | Reply

  4. My dearest Jinan sending all my love and deepest synpathies to you and all your family. May your grandpa Rest In Peace eternally. I pray God showers you all with love, strength and compassion to help you through this difficult time. Your grandpa was the epitomy of love and this shows through your writing and this beautiful tribute. He may not be there with you physically but he will be with you in spirit, watching over you and showering you with love and comfort. God bless you sweet heart and I hold you in my prayers. All my love xxxGabbyxxx

    Comment by Gabby | January 11, 2011 | Reply

  5. My darling Jinan,
    I know how your heart is aching, and this will not go away soon. I am sending you my love
    and strength for your aching heart and all of your family. Your Blog, is the perfect way for
    you to commemorate the memory of your beloved Grandfather; I know how close you were to him
    and how very loved you were by him. You are his
    treasure, to help carry on his memory, and keep him alive in all of your family, especially those new children to be born into your family. I love you sweetheart, and will talk to you later.
    My Love & Blessings, Arlene.

    Comment by Arlene Meuchel | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  6. Jinan,
    My heart is with you during this time of your loss of your grandpa. He will always be with you in the beautiful memories you have. May you always treasure that. You are loved and your grandpa was too. Love you.

    Comment by Puni | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  7. Jinan,

    I’m very, very sorry for your loss.
    Your grandpa sounds like a wonderful man, which would help explain why you are so very special, too.

    God bless him, you, and the rest of your family,

    Leland

    Comment by LELAND | January 9, 2011 | Reply

  8. Dear Darling Jinan

    My love to you during this period of difficulty, dear sister. I am deeply sad to hear your grandfather has passed over from this life but he is most certainly here with you in spirit, looking over you and nurturing you from a different realm. Your Grandfather sounds like he was a wonderful man and was a beautiful soul who gave plenty of love to you and will always continue to do so. May God bless you with all the strength during this time and lots of love from my heart to yours. Your Grandfather is a very fortunate spirit to have a beautiful granddaughter like Yourself who is a gifted, loving soul. Your post is a beautiful way to honour your Granddaddy sweet heart. He is watching over you proudly, with only love in his soul.

    With much love and light from my heart

    xoxoxo

    Comment by kay | January 9, 2011 | Reply

  9. nchalla bi 7ayetik ma btez3ali 3ala 5saret 7ada bit7ebi,u have a great soul,alla ywef2ik

    Comment by howaida hatoum | January 9, 2011 | Reply

  10. Your gift of words have helped you share your loss and love of your grandfather.My deepest sympathy .His presence will always be with you as long as you speak of him..

    Comment by Karen Munro | January 9, 2011 | Reply

  11. Jenan, My sympathy in your loss. you brought me back a very sad memory,I lost my grand mom two years ago,it still feels like today. Those feelings you went through will not fade easily,pray for him and be thankful you still have a part of him still living, your grand mom.

    Comment by abir | January 9, 2011 | Reply

  12. Beautiful tribute to your Grandpa :)He will always be with you in your Heart dear one Talk to him he is listening to your every word . Hold onto your Beautiful Memories he was a wonderful part of your life and a beautiful soul I think you are just like him Blessings & Miracles I Love You xoxo

    Comment by Brenda McAleer | January 9, 2011 | Reply

  13. I am sure that you are one of luckest and happiest people in the world, because you had a wonderful granddad and great memories of him. I am also sure that he will always give you a great power and inspiration to write more beautiful stories that inspire many others.

    Many thanks, Justin

    Comment by Justin Young | January 9, 2011 | Reply

  14. It was very emotional, the discription and it touched my heart. keep up the good work!

    Comment by Asaad | January 9, 2011 | Reply

  15. Dear Sweet Sister,

    Through your writing, I feel like I’ve come to know your Grandfather and the wonderful person he was while here with you. Your post is extremely heartfelt and I’m sure your Grandfather is smiling down on you and is very proud of you. Nobody can take the place of those we lose. Our love for them will never die and they will always hold a place in our hearts. Your memories are treasures nobody will ever be able to take away from them. I have been down this road of loss and know that it does get better. Me miss our loved ones and learn to deal with the void we carry because of their loss. God bless you today and everyday. May you be filled with peace and courage to move forward in your life now without your Grandfather. Know that he is with you in spirit.

    Much love from me always,
    Doris xXx xXx

    Comment by Doris | January 9, 2011 | Reply

  16. My sympathy in your loss. Just by writing this blog you are keeping your beloved grandfather alive in your heart and for others, too. Know that he watches over you always. Peace and Light to you,

    Deborah

    Comment by Deborah | January 9, 2011 | Reply

  17. Dear Sweet Jinan,

    Your Grandad sounds like a beautiful human being. My heart aches for your loss of someone so dear. Your post is such a lovely way to honor his memory and the love you had for him and the memories you shared. Wishing you peace for your aching heart.

    Love from heart, Gill xXx

    Comment by Gill | January 9, 2011 | Reply


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