Jinan Zeidan's Blog

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Ps: I Miss You So Much


It is not the same, never the same again after you left. I still have the same eyes, the same sight, yet something precious is missing in my eyes. I used to be happy, I used to be happier, but this now makes me so sad… It is not the same when I pass by the places that your laughter used to fill. I wish I could still have our long conversations.  Your words used to make me smile all the time. Nobody could ever say things the way you used to do. You were so sweet Grandpa.

I still feel you there when I visit Grandma.  Sometimes I sit in your seat so I don’t see it empty.  Other times I just look at it.   To not see you sitting in front of me… you have no idea how much I wish you were sitting there.  Looking at the door to your room, I think of you as in there just taking a nap.  I still don’t have the courage to enter your room.  I don’t know if it’s the fear of not finding you, or I still want to think you are in there. Whatever the reason, what I know for sure, is that after you left nothing is the same again.

The apricot tree is not giving like it used to.  Since you left it has changed, it express’s it’s sadness in it’s own way, it used to be prettier.  But this year it looks sad beside the empty chair you left.  No one will ever fill that emptiness. It tears my heart to look at it, to never see you there again. Nothing will be the same again…

It’s almost eight months since you left, I feel like it’s yesterday.  I feel you close to me, but can’t see you.  Your words always in my ears, but I can’t hear you voice.  Sometimes I feel if I turn around, I’ll find you behind me.  But I don’t dare turn, for the fear of not seeing you there…

I’ve known before the feeling of a broken heart.  But after you left, what I experienced was how it feels when a piece of me, my heart, is taken and yet still I’m alive.  For the first time I know how it feels to have an aching soul.

After you left, nothing will be the same again. You decorated my life since I was a little girl, with your sweet smiles and warm love.  Since you left and for the rest of my life, my days will be decorated with your precious memory. You always made me smile, you never made me cry, until the day you left without saying goodbye… 

Since then, things are never the same again.

Ps:  I miss you so much Grandpa!!

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August 4, 2011 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, Grandfather, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, others, Past, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Words | 9 Comments