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So Dear…


It’s not about the tears we shed, it’s about the reasons that are behind them.

It’s not about the attitude we show, it’s about the pain we hide

It’s never easy to say how we feel when our heart is broken inside.

In the silence we drown in the words we feel the urge to say

When the moment of feeling lost covers the heart and we try so hard to understand

What is going on; the truth about what we see, is it real?

The pain in our soul, why is it so deep?

It’s not about them or us, it’s about when we get lost

One word, in one word that they didn’t mean, in one act which was by mistake

Is it a crime to be real and speak your mind ?

It’s not about the distance we create, it’s about the days we miss without listening to a word

It’s a day of feeling lost, real happiness escapes..

It’s not about the confusion that we feel,

It’s all about that no matter what happens they will always be soo dear….

Jinan

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February 3, 2014 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Lebanon, Letters, Love, Memories, outsiders, Overseas, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Trust, unfaithful, Words, youth | Leave a comment

Behind The Fire Lines


Behind the fire lines

Are nothing but prayers that cover her fears

But it can’t prevent her tears from falling and drawing hundreds of questions

With the painful one: where is he now?

She knows God is always there for all the people who are fighting for their right

To get their freedom back..

But things get complicated and the image is foggy when blood covers the land

All she hears is people screaming and hearts deeply bleeding

Behind the fire line he’s standing there

Who knows what’s going on?

There, is it a safe place? Or is he not okay?

Thoughts are the big enemy too when they takes us to imagine an anonymous bloody place

Where people went asking for peace and suddenly haters cut them into pieces on the streets

She’s fighting the evil thoughts by praying and trusting God that He will take care of him…

She sleeps every night wishing to see him in her dreams

A dream can heal for once even if reality will slap her on the face

When she wakes up

But at least it will stop the tears for a while ..

Behind the fire lines her heart is burning there trying to search for his face

And her soul is aching while waiting for his return …

Jinan

July 6, 2013 Posted by | Accidents, Death, Egypt, emotions, fear, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Middle East, news, others, Overseas, Parents, Peace, Politics, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, silence, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, Trust, Violence, Wars, Words, youth | 2 Comments

Mother’s Day


In her eyes you can read the words she keeps unspoken and in her heart you can feel the pain through a wound that is left unhealed. You can tell her that everything is going to be fine, you can tell her any lie just to make her feel good but she’s not blind, she knows what she feels is real…

A mother that lost her young boy in a war. She missed him coming through the door, on this day. She missed his hug, his laughter in place, when he used to scream “Happy Mother’s Day to my wonderful mom” and continue saying in a funny way, “I’m the luckiest guy on earth to have a mother like you. Seriously mom look at me, you brought someone like me into this life, that defines how amazing you are” and the laughter used to increase and her prayer for him too..

But, today she’s searching for her wonderful man, who used to fill the house with joy, but she can’t find him, she checks his room, his photos … She recalls the memories since he was a little boy, what he used to say with his gift, but the thing she remembers most is that he never forgets to say “I can’t imagine living in this life for one day without you mom”… These words killed her and every time she recalls them, she mumbles: “Who says I can? Daily, you are taking me from this life hundreds and hundreds of times at night…”

He is in a better place, that’s what his sisters tells her when she talks about him and cries. All these words that have been said to turn off the fire in her heart, are not working, because her heart is still wounded, missing her only son who used to make her the happiest mother on Mother’s Day and every day!

War. This monster that kidnaps soldiers in war, steals them from their mother’s lap, to break their hearts into millions of pieces. What would their mothers say on Mother’s Day? What would she feel while her heart never stops bleeding, missing her son who left one day without having a chance to say what he wants to say; maybe he thought he would come back home safe, maybe he never thought that his life will end there. It doesn’t matter what he thought, what matters is that he is not here anymore….

Years goes by, and the silent pain grows in the her heart, but the only day that her soul aches more than ever is on Mother’s Day. Maybe she envies the mothers who have never lost a son or maybe it’s only a wish that turns to a nightmare if only he visits her today…

She is the mother that is living her life in the memory of her son, her hero … All her other children are still around her. She gets the gifts, she gets the flowers and they all hold her on this special day like every day with tenderness and love… but through their laughter and warm hugs, her eyes are staring at the door.. she is still waiting with her pain that kills, missing her precious son and to feel how wonderful she is for bringing such a wonderful son like him into the world. But the feeling will never be felt again the day he left world, and the echo still comes to hear ears: “Happy Mother’s Day to the most wonderful mom on earth..”

March 23, 2013 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, photos, Promises, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, silence, Smile, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, Wars, Words | 3 Comments

Mighty Soldiers


She was there holding his hand begging him to stay

He was forced to leave her, how he wished to be there for another day. But he was comforting her by saying, “Anytime you need me, I’ll be there.”

“How is that?” she thought. He handed her a necklace with the name of the Lord engraved on it. “This will protect you and keep you from any harm”; she held it close to her heart.

She cried silently; her tears were burning every little breath she was taking.

Duty was calling him to serve his country, his steps were getting far while her heart was breaking apart.

Days passed by and months were like decades waiting for any news from him.

They said the war is near and never seeing his face was the only thing she feared.

She looked at her one year old child and holding him tight.

She said, “Please Lord, protect the father of my child and the man of my life. Keep him safe and bring him back home alive.

” Days passed by and the only seat she sat on was her husband’s, spending time on the balcony waiting for him to come.

One day she heard a knock on the door, and was hoping that her hero had come back home.

She opened the door and a soldier was standing there…She realized she became The mighty soldier’s widow.

She was frozen in place and didn’t dare say a word.

The man said, “Sorry ma’am for your loss, your husband was a brave soldier.” before he continued talking, she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

The world stopped for hours and a deep silence filled the place; she opened her eyes to see all the family surrounding her.

Some were crying, others were in shock but she was the only one who was dying.

Mighty soldiers leave their places to serve their country, leaving behind a wife and kids who are waiting them to come back home. What do we know about their feelings when they leave to the military?

Their kids’ and wife’s photos are their ID’s to find their feelings. Their fears that their children’s eyes will be seen for the last time, their heart aches silently leaving their wives, the love of their life, and never have the chance to feel it again.

Lucky are those who come back to their families even though the sad images from wars are stuck in their minds. But what about those who never come back, leaving everything behind them? Sacrificing their happiness, and all the happy moments they will spend with their children to protect their country and fight for their rights that the enemies want to take from them.

They are fighters with mighty hearts who believe in God, who are ready to give their own life to save hundreds. These are people who are ready to sacrifice their own happiness with their families in return giving a chance for thousands of men to have happiness with their own loved ones.

Just by thinking of a woman standing by her window waiting for her man to come back home after the war, and getting nothing but a dead body without a soul…

Just by thinking of her place: how the emptiness filled it even though her kids are playing around…

Just by thinking of her packing his clothes, his favorite CDs, by recalling his last words, smiling for the good memories and crying more for the bad ones….

Just by thinking of her speechless when her kids ask her, “When will dad come back home?”… It tears my heart apart to think of any woman who lost her husband in a war, how long she would stand her loss, and her longing to see him again…

They are mighty soldiers, those who swore to protect their country and be loyal to their promise…

I believe that the moment they take their last breath, a new angel enters heaven after serving his time on earth beneath…

  Jinan

September 5, 2012 Posted by | Death, fear, Human Rights, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, others, Parents, Peace, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, USA, Violence, Wars, Words | , , | 5 Comments

The Release Of My First Book


Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000478132/Let-Them-Go-With-A-Smile.aspx

December 22, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Grandfather, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, Nature, news, others, outsiders, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Politics, Poverty, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Technology, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words, youth | 3 Comments

Ps: I Miss You So Much


It is not the same, never the same again after you left. I still have the same eyes, the same sight, yet something precious is missing in my eyes. I used to be happy, I used to be happier, but this now makes me so sad… It is not the same when I pass by the places that your laughter used to fill. I wish I could still have our long conversations.  Your words used to make me smile all the time. Nobody could ever say things the way you used to do. You were so sweet Grandpa.

I still feel you there when I visit Grandma.  Sometimes I sit in your seat so I don’t see it empty.  Other times I just look at it.   To not see you sitting in front of me… you have no idea how much I wish you were sitting there.  Looking at the door to your room, I think of you as in there just taking a nap.  I still don’t have the courage to enter your room.  I don’t know if it’s the fear of not finding you, or I still want to think you are in there. Whatever the reason, what I know for sure, is that after you left nothing is the same again.

The apricot tree is not giving like it used to.  Since you left it has changed, it express’s it’s sadness in it’s own way, it used to be prettier.  But this year it looks sad beside the empty chair you left.  No one will ever fill that emptiness. It tears my heart to look at it, to never see you there again. Nothing will be the same again…

It’s almost eight months since you left, I feel like it’s yesterday.  I feel you close to me, but can’t see you.  Your words always in my ears, but I can’t hear you voice.  Sometimes I feel if I turn around, I’ll find you behind me.  But I don’t dare turn, for the fear of not seeing you there…

I’ve known before the feeling of a broken heart.  But after you left, what I experienced was how it feels when a piece of me, my heart, is taken and yet still I’m alive.  For the first time I know how it feels to have an aching soul.

After you left, nothing will be the same again. You decorated my life since I was a little girl, with your sweet smiles and warm love.  Since you left and for the rest of my life, my days will be decorated with your precious memory. You always made me smile, you never made me cry, until the day you left without saying goodbye… 

Since then, things are never the same again.

Ps:  I miss you so much Grandpa!!

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

August 4, 2011 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, Grandfather, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, others, Past, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Words | 9 Comments

Overseas


The moment comes, when we have to say goodbye.  Goodbyes not for the end of a relationship between us and our loved ones, but to see them returning away overseas.  A piece of us leaves with them.  The heartaches that grows while we stand there trying to accept the reasons that takes them back to the place they call their second home. We can do nothing but pray for them to get there safely.  Everyone has someone who lives overseas, who can’t find the opportunity in their own country to work.  They are forced to leave, leaving behind them their families and friends, the friends they were raised with.  At some point they have to sacrifice in order to live.  It’s not easy to leave the place of your birth, that will always leave them feeling torn. Always missing the places they used to go when they were kids.  The memories still stuck in their minds as they traveled the whole world. Even if they became rich and famous, they will always want to go back to the places where they used to go as little kids. Always have that desire to relive the moments, the moments that became their past when they had to leave overseas for a living.  
It used to be harder to leave.  There was no internet to connect to family, sometimes it took months to receive a letter from loved ones.  The phone calls were too expensive to make.  The trips took longer, and to be a world apart from each other really meant to be apart.  In the past, things were harder than nowadays.  These days, it’s much easier.  It’s true that technology has made the world a small village.  The letter that used to arrive after a month now arrives in a minute, or a second, by email and Fax. Cameras can allow us to see a person in any place in the world.  All these things have helped people to keep in touch with each other. And also erased thoughts or doubts that people used to have, when they had no idea where their loved ones are now living.  They used to wonder where they lived, what the country looked like.  These days, it’s enough to Google the place, type the country name and the map will show us where they are.  Technology means that you might know more about a place than those that live there.  Nothing is impossible with modern life, everything is coming easily, and it’s getting easier.
But still we can’t ignore the danger of traveling, of crossing the seas to live in another country.  Still not easy to be accepted, especially for parents, they always wish to have their children around them.  Living with them in the same country, in their home.  Technology can’t erase that feeling of pain when we wave goodbye to our loved ones and watch them disappear away.  Even if we know that after they leave we are going to send them messages via facebook, or make a skype call with them, or email.  The ache will stay, the distance still stands between us.  Wishing they are here at this moment, we recall the food they like, and wish we could send them even a bite.  We recall the places where we were with them, the laughter, specific words they use and that we love to hear them say.  It makes us smile to recall those moments from the past, but even if they are writing to us, still our eyes are wet because the distance is still there to pain us.
Worse though is the plane accidents that happen every year.  Thousands of people moving between their country and another, who never make it to their destination.  Killed while they traveled, coming down into the sea, some bodies lost, others so damaged they can’t be recognized or identified.  While they float in the ocean, their families and friends are waiting for them in an airport.  How painful it is to wait for someone who will never come back again?  Technology can do nothing about that.  It can’t ease the hurt of their families, it can’t change the bitter fact that they gone and will not return.  How many people have been lost in the skies, and in the oceans and seas?  The danger of flying is always there, the possibility of never seeing our loved ones again after they travel away overseas.  Every day a huge number of people are moving from country to another.  Some of them are now saying goodbye for the last times to their families, but they don’t know that yet.  Some of them left their home last night only to find after they arrived that their mom or dad or one of their families has passed away.  Would they have left if they knew it was their last goodbye, or would change their life forever, losing someone they love.  Airports are full of travelers, some who are welcoming people with happiness and tears of joy, and others who are waving goodbyes with pain and tears of sadness.  Are they going to see them again, who knows?  Others are postponing their flights to spend more time with their friends and family.  Some others are afraid to leave at all, or decide to return to their country to live the rest of their lives with their family.  
The flights taking people overseas hide so many things.  The possibility to see people again and the possibility to never see them again, that too is always there.  Nothing could describe our happiness when we open the door and see our loved ones surprising us after they’ve been overseas for years.  The feeling of joy and pleasure to see them again is beyond description.  And nothing could describe the moment when we have to say goodbye to them.  We just wish that time could stop at the moment they come, so they could stay forever.  But time keeps running, and soon they will have to rush away again, to be in another part of the world.  They too might wish to never leave, but the time will come that they have to say farewell and go.  Technology will keep them in contact, it will ease the distance, but it can never erase the loss we feel when they leave.  The moment they leave we fake a smile to hide our tears, we pretend we are fine.  But that moment will never be easy when we watch them disappear away overseas.

Jinan

Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/?sk=inbox&action=read&tid=TJXfsrpdPuWrJuCK6sxSXg#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

July 29, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Nature, others, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, Smile, Speak, Technology, Thought, Words, youth | 4 Comments

One Last Chance


For the young guy Jason, nothing would be the same, losing the only girl he loved is a fact he has to accept. Through the years since he had met her, she had been like a soft breeze who made his life different in a good way.  After suffering from very painful issues through the years, she was like almost the breath he takes, meeting her had been the only thing to make him forget his grief…  But like every guy, he had a dream to achieve, and he wanted to achieve that dream, regardless of who will lose on his way to reaching that success.  He lost his track, the company he kept, the places that hold nothing but sins, he was losing the meaning of his life, he was losing the person he loved most.

Achieving his dream became nothing but an excuse to do whatever he wanted to do, to run from himself and forget.  From what he had been through since he lost his dad when he was a little baby.  His father left his mother and him before he got to know him.  And when he got used to the presence of the man who took his father’s place in his life, just when he started calling him dad, his step-father passed away.  To Jason, that felt like losing his real dad, and left him in a lot of pain.  Between knowing that his real father was still alive, but also feeling the grief of losing the person who taught him the real meaning of fatherhood, Jason was living his life searching for something he thought he would never find.

He was searching for himself.  The challenges he faced, the questions without answer he used to ask were to satisfy his curiosity. He was the guy with a big heart trying to find the lost part himself. Singing and playing music was the only things that helped him to find peace in the world.  Since he was seven years old he had dreamed of being a singer one day.  Even when he grew up that thought never left his mind.  But life always has something to surprise him, and when he was twenty his mother passed away, leaving her young guy in the middle of nowhere.  She was the one who supported him, she was his shoulder to cry on.  She raised him in a great way and used to encourage him to chase his dream. Losing his mother would lead Jason onto the wrong track.  Though his friends were there for him, his mother’s loss blinded his eyes and his soul and he lost his faith in everything.  Losing his faith drove him into many sins, he turned his back on his good friends and never wanted to hear from them. Even the girl who he loved, he was blind enough to break her heart.  He was living in denial.  Denying himself, his friends, his faith, he was moving slowly into a long dark tunnel without even noticing it.  As the years passed, Jason walked deeper and deeper in the darkness.  He was attracted to it, through his mourning for the loss of his mom, for his step-dad, and even for the first loss he had before he recognized that he had, his real dad.  Life was a battle for Jason, achieving his dream took him in a wrong direction, and in achieving it he also achieved everything he never wanted. 

But a wake-up call was sent to him and he opened his eyes to the bitter facts.  He didn’t only lose his family, he had also lost himself.  He looked around at the people who entered his life and have a bad affect on his behavior.  Though he used to feel relief when he prayed, he started to fear God due to all the mistakes he had made.  He had been lost for many years, but now once again his mother’s spirit surrounded him, and woke him up before he was drawn any further into this darkness he had put himself in.  Jason opened his eyes to see that everyone who mattered had left him and he was alone.  Trying to sing, but it was all sad songs, he gave up on his music dream.  And he turned to chase the one who he had let go, he wanted to return to the only real person he loved backin his past , even if she was now little more for him than a dream….

For Jason, waking as if after he had slept for years, not only was his head heavy and aching, but even his soul.  He felt that he filled it with sins, and filled his girl’s heart with agony and wounds. He recalled all the chances he missed, recollecting all the photos that held both of them, he missed being with her.  Running back to her, hoping to have another chance, he called her name but she ignored him.  He visited her, and although she opened the door she considered him a stranger… His tears were pouring asking for forgiveness, but her heart was frozen due to the wounds he had caused.  With those wounds still wide open, she couldn’t give him one last chance, she couldn’t even bear to touch his hand.  What did I do to the girl I loved the most he tried to recall, but refreshing his memory made him feel guilty for the love he had pushed away.  Nothing good was left in his life, blaming himself, crying all the time, even the dream he held since he was little boy had let him down. He thought that singing was the thing that he most wanted to do, however, he stepped on everyone’s who cared for him just to achieve his dream. Between all his losses, he had, he lost himself too.  He had let other’s down, he disappointed them when they were ready to do anything to stand by his side. 

He had pushed them all away, and now he had to stand up alone, trying to get to his faith back, and trying to rebuild his life.  Sitting on his sofa, holding his guitar and singing his sad songs about himself, imagining his life as a movie that can never be happy one.  The images he has in his mind are ones that were never captured on camera, those are the most valuable images, of those he loved the most, but who he is now sitting alone without.  It’s not easy to be away from someone who filled your life with love, the emptiness it leaves is painful.  Jason tried his best to ask his girl to give him one last chance, but all she gave him was a reflection of the way he had treated her.  It’s hard to keep chasing someone when they are running away and that was what was happening with his girl.  You get tired, and they would keep chasing their grievances from the past.  It is so hard after losing your faith and taking the wrong track, to find those who you crushed because of your blindness, are still alive but there is no way for you to return to them.  And that’s what Jason felt, that though she was still there breathing, inwardly she was dead.  He had killed the love himself, he couldn’t blame her, but he missed her.  After all the chances he had missed and all the warm feelings she had showed him. He had always neglected them, for some reason, for many reasons…

He waited and hoped for a last chance to show her that he had changed. But whenever he met her and felt her hands like ice, no feelings appeared in her eyes… He stood there in silence watching her taking another step away from him, every step causing a new wound in his heart. It doesn’t matter now for her, but for him he’s dying silently and begging the Lord for a miracle to make her turn back, look at him and give him one last chance. She never did, and he gave up asking for her forgiveness, what was broken can never be rebuild again.  Things could never be the same, there would always be a scar to remind them, there would always be tears shed when recalling the reason for this scar….  Just like when we see the sun disappearing behind the sea, we miss the moment when we take their love for granted, when we do the things that hurt them and push them away, it never occurs to us until we watch them fading away, only then we know how much they means to us.  It is our decision to lose those we love, but we watch them leaving and only then realize we are left with just the darkness and the night….

Jason realized how he let his losses affect his life, by trying to forget the loss of his mother he had suffered other losses, the only girl he loved and who will never be back to his life, and himself too.  So he gathered the pieces of his broken heart.  He knew the mistakes he made and learned a lot from them.  He doesn’t want to ask anyone to give him a chance anymore.  He’s a new guy now, working on himself to be better person.  Though the scars will always be there, though the tears will always flow when he misses her, it was his choice and he’s paying the price for making them.  Playing his guitar and singing to entertain himself, he’s back on the right track now.  He’s now aware, more than ever, he won’t ask anyone for another chance to forgive him.  If people don’t want to see that he deserves it, then let it be.  As for him, he will give himself one last chance, because he knows he deserves it.  People make mistakes but the most important thing is that you know you are on the wrong track and get back to right one.  If you apologize for what you did, that is the first step on your way to change.  If they don’t accept your apology, never beg others to give you a chance.

You are the one who deserves it, allow yourself to have it, especially if you have only One Last Chance…

  Jinan

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

May 14, 2011 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words, youth | 7 Comments

To My Daughter With Love…


Every morning with the sunrise, a new pain starts in someone’s life, a new hope is renewed in someone’s eyes, fighting to live, or fighting to give.  Give the person who needs them, the caring and the love they are lacking…

Sarah lives in the city now, has to learn to deal with this kind of life.  Where the time passes so fast, people running to get early to work, as if they are chasing time. She comes from a village, a place in the mountains where everything is calm and quiet. Where all the people know each other and care for each other, even if they are in a hurry.  They have the time to look at the person who’s passing them by and say good morning.  But from now on, she has to get used to the city life, for the sake of her angel…. As usual, every morning she drinks her coffee rapidly, gets dressed, takes her flowers and runs rapidly so to never miss her morning customer.

It’s true she has all the day to sell her flowers, but looking at this one persons eyes in the morning making her rich, not financially, but emotionally…. Those eyes fill her heart with happiness, and her day with security.  “Good morning madam”, this the voice she waits to hear every morning.  She looks back at that girl and says, “Good morning to you young lady, here’s your flower”.  With a shining smile the young girl takes her flower and gives the dollar to the flower seller.  “Thank you, your flowers fill my days with a warm perfume”. With a little cute wink from that girl’s eyes, the lady’s day is as perfect. Selling that one flower to a stranger allows her to gain not just a dollar but also a smile that will never leave her face the whole day…  In her room she has a big diary, where she writes the date and details of that first flower that she sells each day.  Beside every flower, she writes what exactly she saw in the girl’s eyes, what she felt when she saw her, and how much she is grateful that she met her that day.

Sarah doesn’t have friends, those she had are all back in the town she left, where nobody knows for what reason she left.  She went to search for someone who brings happiness to her life, for someone to give a reason for her to live after she had given up on living.

Sarah’s story began when she married a young rich man from the city.  He was a very gentle and wise man who came to her town to visit his cousin.  The cousin was Sarah’s friend, but she never thought that one day this would end up in love.  But this is how things go sometimes, and over the course of many visits to the town, love grew strong between Sarah and Ethan, until one day they decided to get married.  Her family had their concerns about the marriage, Ethan was a person from an upper class family and Sarah’s family were very normal.  They were afraid that this class difference would have effects for Sarah’s future happiness.  But when these fears were exposed to Ethan, he assured her that these were illusions and nothing was going to happen, he would buy a property in Sarah’s town so they could live in peace.

After two years they had a baby girl, Emma.  The baby filled their life with happiness, and for several more years Sarah’s life with her husband was wonderful. Love, laughter, amazing moments to remember forever, and Emma’s presence adding so much fascinating happiness to their days.  Until one day, Ethan went on a business trip and never come back.  The train he was on crashed and he with hundreds of other people died. Emma was only 3 years old, and for Sarah all her years burned in front of her eyes. She felt she’s been left alone, Ethan was her whole world, she felt like a stranger in the world.  Though her family and her friends were all around her, she could never feel any connection to them.  A couple of months later, Ethan’s brother showed up asking to take Emma to raise her in the city with his parents. Ethan’s family were against his marriage to Sarah, but Ethan had left them all in shock by moving to marry the small town girl who had captured his heart. Sarah tried to resist, to keep her daughter with her, but the powerful have ways and they took Emma away.  Since that moment Sarah never knew anything about her daughter. The years went by, and with every year a piece of Sarah’s heart were dying. Only the memory of her husband was left, and of Emma’s laughter, that she seemed to hear all the time…

As the years passed by she changed into another person, shaped by the tears and the pain, by memories of her angel’s giggles and her husband waving with his last smile on his face.  Until one day, Sarah received a letter from a friend of Ethan’s, a letter with Emma’s address. Sarah couldn’t believe that after 18 years she might see her daughter. She packed her up her life in a suitcase and went to the city.  Challenged by everything, a community that she was unused to living with, strange people she didn’t know how to talk to…  The first thing she did was search for Emma’s address and try to think of an excuse to talk to her.  The photos that were sent in the letter showed how pretty and wealthy Emma was.  Her grand parents took care of her it seemed, but not enough, since they raised her away from her mother.  Standing on the street facing Emma’s apartment, Sarah waited for Emma to leave her place. 

Then as if from nowhere a beautiful lady walked out the gate, talking on her phone. Sarah looked at the photo she’s holding tightly between her hands, so tense as if she was afraid she would drop it.  Sarah compared it with the girl and the tears ran down her face, that was Emma, that was her daughter.  She wanted to run towards her and hold her so tight, but she couldn’t.  Her baby girl is there grown up to become a pretty lady.  Sarah felt as if she was safe again, with a new reason to live, and a new reason to love her life.  She rented a small room and with time she collected information about her daughter’s life.  And with everything she needed to know she was ready, set herself up to sell flowers.

Sarah’s first day of selling flowers started when she stood near where Emma waited for her driver to take her to the university.  With weak steps she got near to Emma and said, “a red flower every morning will fill your day with warm perfume and add smiles to your face pretty lady”.  Emma turned around and looked at the woman’s eyes, with a shining smile she said “Sure, why not. Are you new here?”  Sarah felt like her heart was stopping, not sure if it was from happiness that she was standing in front of her daughter after 18 years, or sadness from missing all these days watching her growing up.  Sarah wanted to tell her that she was new in this place, but not new in Emma’s life.  She wanted to tell her that she was the one who had given birth to her, but she gathered herself and said, “Yes, I’m new in this place, I’m trying to sell my flowers, but not all people are interested in buying flowers”. Emma smiled and said, “Well, now you have got a new customer, what about if I meet you every morning in this place to buy a red flower?”   With a little wink Emma added, “And don’t you dare to miss this appointment ok ma’am?” That little cute wink, her dad used to make it.  Lord help me, Sarah felt drained and about to pass out, it was almost too much to handle.  But yet she thanked God for finding her angel again. “Ok” Sarah said, “How can I miss looking at such an angelic face like yours young lady?”  Emma wished Sarah a happy day as she left.

For the next several years, Sarah had a reason to wake up and live every morning. Emma graduated from her university and started her own work, and Sarah followed all Emma’s news.  Due to the trust they built they became quite close.  But that friendship never crossed that corner in the street, the place where for Sarah the whole world turned around.  Standing in the cold to sell flowers wasn’t easy though, Sarah’s health started to get bad and she got a lung infection.  Her face started to look ill and under her eyes there were black circles, which showed how tired she was getting day after day.  Emma used to check on her and offer to take her to the Doctor, but Sarah didn’t want to, all she used to say was “I’m fine, I don’t feel any pain”.  Sarah was afraid to miss a day of seeing her angel’s face in the morning, and she would convince herself and her daughter that she was fine.

One day Emma came to the place to buy her flower as usual, but she couldn’t find Sarah.  She was worried about her, standing in the middle of the street looking left and right, trying to find someone to ask about the flower seller.  A man asked her “Are you looking for your friend?” Emma turned quickly and really concerned replied “Yes, have you seen her today?”  He said “Unfortunately, we found her this morning lying in the street, I think they took her to ER”.  Emma interrupted him and asked, “do you know where she lives?”  The man was surprised,  “You don’t know where she lives?”  Emma replied “No, she never told me”.  The man smiled, and said “in a little room under the stairs”…  Emma was shocked.  She went to check the room, the door was unlock, the room had one bathroom, but not even a kitchen.  When she stepped into the room she stood powerless, not believing what she was looking at…  Photos of her from when she was a little baby, but she never had photos when she was that age.  She saw Sarah’s diary where she had written alongside every flower she had sold Emma, how she had felt to see her Angel’s eyes.  In the drawer she even found the letter that had caused Sarah to move to the city.  Emma couldn’t believe it, she recalled how every year on mother’s day Sarah used to say, “Here this is another red flower for your mom on her day”.  Emma used to reply, “Thank you but my mother died when I was a little girl, my grand parents raised me”.  Emma recalled that she used to see tears in Sarah’s eyes, she though she was feeling Emma’s loss and pain.  Then Sarah used to give her an extra flower and said, “Take this for free, but in water as if you are buying it for your mom and you are going to see her tomorrow, she will feel your love”.

Emma stayed in shock for hours, crying, and not know what to do.  Having doubts, and yet no doubt, at the reality of Sarah revealed, her real mom.  Running to the ER to see her mother, she saw her lying in the bed without any movement, without any breath.  Another visitor had reached this the place before Emma. Death!  Emma stood there in a silence, not only her heart was breaking, she felt her soul was aching too.  A voice cut her thoughts and the silence, “Do you know this woman?”  Emma replied  “Yes, she’s my mother”. The nurse handing Emma a letter said, “She gave me this letter with this photo and asked me to give it to her daughter when she comes”.  Emma took the letter with shivering hands and started reading…

To my daughter with love…

I never knew real happiness until you came to my life, you decorated my days with your angelic smile, I never knew how to deal with death, how to die every day in a new way, until they took you away from me, and then I never knew how to come back to life again until I met you again after 18 years.

I know when you read this letter I’ll be gone, I know you have so many questions to ask.  I came to the city searching for you.  The room I rented faced your room.  It’s a tiny room but through that window that faced your apartment I used to feel that I’m living in a castle, and looking through it’s window to my real world, you.

I convinced you to buy a red flower every day from me because it would bring warm smiles to your days.  I was selfish to ask this, I wanted these smiles so much after I lost them so many long years ago. It was you giving me those smiles, it was looking at your eyes, that gave me the courage to keep on living.

Don’t cry after me, I’ll be always near.  Sometimes life gives us a reason to cry and sometimes a reason to smile.  Life gave me reason to cry for long years, but you my precious daughter are the reason to make me smile.  Even at this moment while I am close to death…

 Jinan

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April 26, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, Canada, childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words, youth | 11 Comments

The Killing Loop


“Yes, I’m his father”. With head bowed down and his words come with a breeze of shivering, showing that he already expected to hear what that man is coming to say.  The Officer went ahead with his talking, saying “we found his body beside your wife’s grave after we received a phone call, we are sorry to bring you such sad news sir”.  He stood in a killing silence for minutes, wishing it’s a nightmare, he can’t stand on his legs any more, his knees felt so weak. The room seems so dark though it’s only just past noon and the sun’s shining.  Spring was carrying a promise of days filled with happiness and so many plans to share with his 19 years old son Dani, but the news he just heard will carry nothing but cloudy days with endless sadness…

Heading to the hospital is the longest ride he ever drove. He felt like the road is getting longer, though the distance between his place and the hospital is only 15 minutes.  He recalled the times he brought his son to this same hospital two years ago with his wife, who passed away after suffering from cancer.  They had only had the one son, Dani, and he was the world to both of them. But now he feels so apart from the world, he’s driving not sure if he’s taking the right road, can’t figure out if the track will lead him to the hospital to see his son for the last time, or to his wife’s grave to tell her how much he needs and misses her presence in that moment…. 

After he reaches the hospital, his weak steps want to pull him back, he wants any excuse to get back into the car.  He is scared about the coming moment, the moment that will reveal to him the cause of the death.  Although he’s sure what was behind it, still he never expect that things would end up in this painful way…. 

“Sorry for your loss”  the doctor says as he entered the room, but the father interrupts him, asking “what’s the cause of death?” “Overdose” the doctor replied… “we found a trace from drug needles in his hands, your son was a drug addicts and it seems he reached to the highest level”.  The father collapsed crying, feeling he was accusing himself of killing his son, saying “I never wanted to read the signs.”  But now the signs of Dani’s death would be in front of his eyes for the rest of his life, every time he visits his sons grave. “RIP Dani..”

Dani lost his mother when he was aged 17 years, at the age where he needs caring and loving people in hi life.  After he suffered seeing his mother fighting with cancer for more than a year, he lost his mom, but in an indirect way he lost his dad too.  For his dad was drowning in agony, his wife’s illness affecting his life, and he forgot that he had a son who needed him and feeling the same bitter pain from losing his mother.  With days their life changed, Dani used to come back home from school and see his mom in the kitchen preparing his food, waking him up in the morning, taking him to school if he’s late to catch his bus… After she was diagnosed with cancer she never changed her caring treatment towards her son and husband, not until the disease progressed too far and she got really tired… When his mother passed away, for Dani there was no need to be home after school, especially when his father was not there anymore too. Even if his father was there in body, in his mind he was with his wife.  For Dani it meant he lost both his mom and his dad…. 

Dani started to hang out more than he should have been allowed to, at age 18 he had his first beer, then he started to party with guys he met in the bars and in the streets, he got involved more and more with them.  He felt much better when there was something distracting him from feeling lonely, and his pain he lived in after his mom’s passed away…  He used to obey his parents to be at home before midnight, now spending the night out was a normal thing to him, he didn’t have to sneak back to his bed, he simply returned through the main door of the house.  He knew his Dad was asleep, and his mom was no longer alive to keep up waiting and worry for him… Though there was no rules to follow, he missed fighting with his mom about coming late home.  He missed her presence, he used to think that she’s going to be waiting for me tonight, but she never was…. With his father careless towards him, Dani was drowning, and after every visit to his mom’s grave he was falling… falling apart from the reality of who he used to be… Until one of his friends recommended marijuana and he felt happy at experiencing something new in his life.  But from marijuana things progressed to new kinds of drugs.  When he started on heroin though, he faced difficulties to provide money, so he was stealing and making deals with the drug suppliers, to set up with new teenagers and buy them drugs… 

His dad noticed that something was changing with his son, but he never gave enough attention, he just thought it was all about partying and getting drunk.  He noticed that his son’s temper was getting bad, but he thought it was from missing his mom that was making this change in his personality… He had never used to fight with his son, but now every day brought a new reason to fight. They used to hold each others hands when mom was alive, and pray before they have their lunch or dinner, now his dad never touch his son’s hand simply because they don’t sit at the same table anymore… The street life were taking Dani away from his home, the drugs were making him forget about who he used to be, and all the plans he had for his future faded away.  The happy life he used to live had become a nightmare, his mom was gone and his dad was still alive, but it was as if he had passed away too…

The last talk Dani had with his father  was actually a fight, a big fight.  He left home and never come back again for days. His dad saw by accident the marks on Dani’s hands, the needle track’s. He was worried that his son was using drugs.  He wanted to contact a treatment center to send his son to, to help his son to clean his body from this poison… He went to his son’s room, he tried to find something that would tell him that maybe he was wrong, but all the things that belonged to his son were missing… For three days he though and hoped his son was just spending time at a friend’s place and he would come get back home as usual.  He was wrong, when he opened the door to an Officer instead of opening it to welcome his son, he knew that Dani would never step into this home again, that he was alone in this place….

Drug abuse – there are so many reason that lead guys, especially teenagers, to fall into this trap.  Family problems, violence, divorce that affect the children, lacking for caring and love, etc.. Boys/girls can try to find something to help them forget their problems, the fake happiness that can be waiting for them in any place they go; school, street, party, trip etc.  The noose is ready to surround their life and kill them in any moment they lose faith and hope to save themselves…  Some people start their addiction through painkillers, and they get involve without even thinking it might lead them to be drug addictions. Once they accept the first cigarette that contain drugs they are putting the rope around their neck.  The more they get involve the more that killing loop tightens on their life, the higher they get the closer they are getting to death, until the moment comes when the loop get so tight they can’t breath, or even scream for help….

Dani’s father stood by his son’s grave after the funeral, knowing how much he had ignored his son after his wife was gone…  He thinks of his son and the times they spent together, the laughter they had, but all those memories he recalls were two years ago.  He feels as if he has never seen him since he last saw his wife.  His son was in front of him all the time but they never shared anything after mother passed away…  Now he needs his son.  He cries for them both, he feels guilty and collapses on the grass… He asks his son to forgive him for the times he didn’t see him though he was standing in front of him.  He apologize for the words he never heard, while he acted as if he did… He knew it’s not Dani’s fault, it was his own.  Dani took the overdose beside his mothers grave, that much he missed her to follow her, that much he was desperate…

Dani’s father never read the signs, though they were so clear to read… But now there is a big sign he will be forced to read every time he visit their graves, and he can do nothing about it..

“RIP Dani, you’ll be missed”…

 Jinan

April 4, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, Nature, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Speak, suicide, Thought, Trust, Violence, Words, youth | 7 Comments