Jinan Zeidan's Blog

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To Xena With Love…


image

To Xenaaa with love ….

There is that girl who left months ago
And after that I’m not the same at all…
She used to fill my days with happiness
My eyes lighten up when I see her shiny smile

There was a time when I heard her voice
The echoe plays in my ears
But in my eyes nothing but tears

I keep recalling our times together
The joyful moments, the pranks
The way she feels safe with me
Her secrets that she trusts that I’ll keep.

There is a girl who stole a big part of my heart
And moved to another country
Where I can’t reach her or touch her
I can’t look deeply in her eyes and tell her “she’s my life”

Even though the distance will never change anything
But I’ll always lack the urge to hug her
I’ll always wonder if she’s okay
Or if someone is making her unhappy there

I’ll always be waiting to see her angelic face
There is a part of me missing
There is a continuous pain that will never fade away
Until that precious girl comes home again

Jinan

ps:the photo belongs to Xena not taken from Internet.

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March 9, 2016 Posted by | Arabic, Beirut, emotions, English, Footprints, friendship, Lebanon, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mexico, Middle East, Overseas, Precious, Promises, Smile, Thought, Trust, Words | 2 Comments

So Dear…


It’s not about the tears we shed, it’s about the reasons that are behind them.

It’s not about the attitude we show, it’s about the pain we hide

It’s never easy to say how we feel when our heart is broken inside.

In the silence we drown in the words we feel the urge to say

When the moment of feeling lost covers the heart and we try so hard to understand

What is going on; the truth about what we see, is it real?

The pain in our soul, why is it so deep?

It’s not about them or us, it’s about when we get lost

One word, in one word that they didn’t mean, in one act which was by mistake

Is it a crime to be real and speak your mind ?

It’s not about the distance we create, it’s about the days we miss without listening to a word

It’s a day of feeling lost, real happiness escapes..

It’s not about the confusion that we feel,

It’s all about that no matter what happens they will always be soo dear….

Jinan

February 3, 2014 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Lebanon, Letters, Love, Memories, outsiders, Overseas, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Trust, unfaithful, Words, youth | Leave a comment

Who’s Fault Is It?


It’s not about life, it’s about those who are living in it.

When I was a little girl they used to tell me good things to make me smile

Life was so easy maybe because I didn’t understand it

Or maybe because I was too innocent to understand.

They used to teach me to never lie

They said people who lie will always be called bad people

But after I grew up I found out that everyone lies

With bad people enjoying their lives

And honest people are paying the price.

They told me

To be happy,smile and dance in the rain

After I grew up

I knew that most of the times

We smile to hide our pain.

They taught me to cherish friendship in my life

It’s the purest thing I could ever have

A hug from a friend would heal your wounds

After I grew up, there was truth that I lacked

My friend’s hug was an excuse to stab me in the back.

They taught me to be respected and respect people in return

After I grew up I never dared to underestimate others

I respect people for who they are, but they took my respect as a weakness

I get lost in the connection people see with these two words: Respect and Weakness.

They taught me when you love someone, make them happy

Love is something so special, it’s about being faithful

It’s about honesty and sacrifice between two lovers

After I grew up, I knew lovers who became enemies

I see lovers who cheat on their loved ones

Looking at me and begging: “Please, don’t tell.”

I see lovers crying for the absence of their beloved

Their nights turn into days

While the other doesn’t care

Laughing while the one that loves them is in pain.

They used to tell me to never go near fire

Because I will burn myself

I spent my childhood years watching out from fire

And when i grew up I see adults playing with fire but without burns.

When I was a little girl I didn’t act my age

I didn’t play much but I used to read

And they used to tell me “Go play, kids should be playing; adults should read the most.”

After I grew up all I see is adults playing games to trick and set each other up.

Who’s fault is it? Who’s to blame?

Life? People? Or my parents who raised me in a great way?

I grew up to find myself in a jungle

Fearing people I meet, even though I should fear beasts

Everyone is passing by pushing me to get their aim

I am not standing in their way yet all they enjoy doing is hurting me.

Who’s fault is it? Is it my fault that my dreams turned into nightmares?

Or is it my fault since I dared dream?

They taught me lessons that were hard to understand

After I took them in, I grew up to find out these lessons failed me

They should’ve told me not to take life so seriously

They should’ve told me that it’s okay to fail.

All I was doing is studying so hard to be the perfect and polite girl

To never disappoint anyone in my life

But everyone disappointed me…

Who’s fault is it to lose the ability to deal with bad things?

To lose the ability to recognize the good person from the nasty?

I’ve learned my lessons but I failed in the exam

Not because I wasn’t ready, or because I forgot what I studied

But simply because life changed, and someone passed the wrong lessons

And everybody followed.

It’s not my fault that everyone knows these lessons

I was shocked and I cried a lot for not knowing answers when life tested me

It’s not my fault that after I grew up, the lessons changed

It’s not the same, it’s all the opposite… It’s all fake

With every lesson that slowly changed, I quickly learned life’s real lessons.

February 8, 2012 Posted by | emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Life, Love, Memories, others, Parents, Past, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words | 4 Comments

The Release Of My First Book


Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000478132/Let-Them-Go-With-A-Smile.aspx

December 22, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Grandfather, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, Nature, news, others, outsiders, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Politics, Poverty, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Technology, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words, youth | 3 Comments

Homeless Child…


He was born like many other children, filled with love and innocent. He had caring parents as he recalls, they use to hold him and protect him in his first years. They taught him how to walk and how to talk.  They used to run towards him and wipe his tears when he fell, just like any other parents would do for their child.  He’s the youngest in the family, his brother was 12 years old, and his sister was almost 10 when he born.  He used to wait for them, for when they come back to the place where they all sheltered under the bridge, to play with him.  Usually they left that place early in the morning while he was still sleeping, and often they came back late after he was asleep.  His mom was so special, she was the only person who was always around, his dad used to disappear, sometimes for weeks.  As a little baby, all that mattered to him was to play, eat and sleep.  He was too small to know what’s going on with his family.  Newly arrived to life, he didn’t know yet that there is lot to go through, didn’t know that his life will be a battle, that he’s just one new fighter in this family he was born into.  He didn’t know yet the name of the place he lives, he used to think it’s home, but his family name it hell…  That became clear after he turned 6 years old. 

It was a sunny day when his mom told him to put on his dirty torn clothes and be ready for a long walk.  “A long walk where?” the boy asked, “…but mom I want to stay here and play”.  With a strict look, his dad ordered him to obey his mom.  The boy kept silent and bowed his head.  His clothes were dirty as usual, you wouldn’t know it had different colors.  His face were dirty as well, he didn’t have a mirror to know how he looked.  Maybe if he did he would know why people ignored him in the streets, why they looked at him in a disgusted way.  He loves to leave what he calls home, to enjoy the sunshine, because where he lives the rays of the sun can’t find their way.  Their place was not a healthy one.  That’s the reason why the family was often sick. 

While he was walking with his mom he wondered where she was taking him, she never said.  All she said was “from this day you will start to work just like your sister and brother, you are a little man now”.  They arrived at a very crowded place, where families went with their kids and relatives, where friends meet up together, and everyone looked happy.  His mom stopped and bent towards him, she looked deeply and seriously into his eyes and said  “I will leave you here, I will come back later to get you”.  The little boy was scared and asked his mom “but where are you going, and why you are leaving me here?”  She replied “See those people, you have to stay with them, go and try to get money, food, or anything you can get”.  “But mom…” he cried.  His mom shook him in a strict way and said “LISTEN TO ME, this is how we get money, this is what your brother and sister do, everyone has a job and this is yours now too”.  He looked at his mom, tears filling his eyes; his lips spelled one word …ok.  He stood there, watching his mom walk away.

All he saw were strangers, people who ignored him, or who looked at him in pity, who pushed him to get away from them.  Happy children were everywhere, he saw them playing with their parents, laughing and giggling.  He wondered why their parents didn’t leave them alone in this place like his mom did.  The time passed, and by noon, he felt so hungry and wanted something to eat.  He couldn’t go and just ask people to give him money, or even to give him something to eat.  He was so scared and lost.  He went to the garbage, started to eat the old bread.  A cat made him start from fear when she jumped out from the garbage.  He was crying and didn’t know what to do.  He ate a little, only what he could find in the garbage, it was better than nothing.  He walked around, trying to ask people to give him money.  The first woman he saw sitting with her kids, he came near to her and said “give me money please or something to eat”.  The woman yelled at him, protective of her own two kids. “I’m not going to hurt them, I’m just a kid like them” he mumbled.  But she kept on yelling, telling him to stay away.

The first day ended, the sun disappeared and his mom never reappeared. He sat on the street, some of those who passed by him gave him money without him asking them.  He waited so long for his mom, but she never came to take him back home.  He didn’t know how to get there by himself.  The dogs were barking, the cats fighting in the middle of the night, the people passing grew fewer until there were no more people on the street.  Only him and some other homeless people.  He cried and tried to find a box to sleep in, he was very tired and wanted to sleep. All the lights were switched off, all the other kids his age were home asleep. He covered himself with bags and slept on the side of the road, where else he could go?  He thought about his mom, why didn’t she come back he kept thinking until he fell asleep.

The next day, the steps of people passing by woke him, at first he didn’t’ recognize where he was… until he recalled the day before.  He felt the fear again, the insecurity of the coming days.  He thought about his mom and his family.  He missed his brother and sister, where are they now? Would he ever see them again?  He went to a nearby shop to buy something to eat, thankful for the people who dropped money for him while he lay on the street.  He entered the shop and the man screamed “get out you dirty boy”.  He ran from fear and tripped and fell.  He cried from pain, from fear, from anything that might come near him.  A soft hand touched his shoulder, and asked him to stand up.  He looked up and saw a very nice lady with a little boy.  She said “Come, let me help you up, how old are you?”  He looked at her son, he was about his age, “I’m 6 years old” he said.  She asked, “Are you hungry?”  He started crying, “yes I am”.  “I saw the man screaming at you, wait for me here and I’ll bring you something to eat”.  She went to the shop and bought some food and candy.  “Can I have them all?” he asked, the lady smiled and said, “sure, it’s all yours.  Are you new here?” “Yes” he replied.  The woman told him that she had to leave, but she promised to check back on him every day and bring him something to eat. 

He felt that God was looking over him, and each day he waited for the woman, but he never forgot about his family, especially his mom.  Her face kept coming to his imagination, telling him that he’s a man now. With days the small kid grew, with years he knew his reality.  He wonders now about the person he once called mom, who used to be his whole world, the person who held him and protected him, is she the same person who threw him away?  Too many questions, but no one to give him answers or erase his fears.  He knows the place where he lives under the bridge isn’t a home, and why the people call him homeless.  He can’t go to school, he knows nothing but begging and the people who give him money so he can eat.  He looks around seeing happy kids playing with their friends, riding their bicycles, getting into fancy cars with their parents, and asks; why am I different from them?  It wasn’t his choice to be homeless, it wasn’t that he wanted to sleep on the streets.  Or to hide in boxes, fearful that the dogs might bite him.  He always wishes some day he will wake up and his life will be changed.  But every morning he wakes to the sound of people’s steps hurrying by, or screaming for the Taxi.  What hurts him the most though is to overhear conversations, mothers on the phone saying she’ll be home soon.  Home, a word that fills his heart with sorrow.  He waited for his mom for long years, and he still goes to the place where she left him.  Still wishes she would come to take him to where they all live, anywhere, as long as they were all together, with his brother and sister.  He has some friends who are also homeless, they have their own stories too.  Sometimes they all go to a shelter to eat and sleep.  Other times he forgets himself, waiting on his own till late in the evening, and falls asleep waiting there…

 

Whenever you see a homeless person, give them a helping hand, give them food or clothes, or even a place to live.  Some of them were born homeless, growing up in fear, watching people kick them, yell at them, and look at them in a disgusted way.  It’s not their fault.  We are blessed to have a home to live in.  We have our own rooms, our own cars, money to buy whatever we want.  Do we sometimes cry and feel life is unfair if our parents disagree and refuse to buy something for us?  So what about those whose life has said NO to them for everything since they were born?  Never pass by the homeless without a thought for their fate, spare a smile and some kindness.  You will never know what their life has been, what they are waiting for that will never come…

 Jinan

FaceBook Page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

 

 

 

 

June 12, 2011 Posted by | childhood, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Homeless children, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Thought, Trust, Violence, Words | 13 Comments

Woman In Black


She sits in silence her tears pouring down, her hands shivering and dancing to the rhythm of her heart beat.  It’s a glimpse into what surrounds her, a past that turns her world around. Calling out names of people who have faded away, nothing in her ears except the echo shaking her cold body.  Nothing in her eyes but tears, she’s a woman in black living moments of fear…

What covered her soul with sadness? What made her wings too weak to fly as high as she had dreamed? She had been an angel with a pure heart, no wounds caused by lies, not afraid to walk in the sunshine, wise and full of life.  Now she’s an aching heart, dancing in the dark with broken wings.  When she falls and another wound appears on her body, she’s content with her bleeding skin.  But there are other wounds that are hidden inside of her heart.

 She heads to her closet to pick a colorful dress, maybe it can help her to take a step to happiness, she hope so anyway.  If she could change the colour she wears, picking her favorite dress with a broken smile, she thinks she might change her dark mood for a colorful one.  But standing in front of her mirror, what she sees is herself wearing black again, how come she wondered looking down, it’s a colorful dress, but a glimpse into the mirror and it’s black again…  It’s the reflection of her aching soul in the mirror, that can’t allow her to be happy, won’t allow her to fool herself by covering her body with a colorful dress.  She’s not smart enough to fool her soul, it’s not about her body, it’s about what lies within.  When skin is wounded it bleeds, but then it heals.  Maybe there will be a scar as a reminder of the wound, maybe not.  But when her soul is wounded, it is a hurt without bleeding or screaming, and she is lost in a body that doesn’t know what to do.  A wounded prisoner in a sad body, that can’t give up, yet can’t escape.  That is the blackness in the woman’s soul… 

She would break her mirror to destroy the truth she’s denying….  The truth that hurts, the truth that would always be there…  Leaving her room the pieces of her mirror cover the floor, they seem to her like shards of her aching soul….  Please Lord give me strength she screams silently, asking for the power to feel strong enough, to stand up on her own again.  She has faith to ask God for help, to look up in prayer when everything else would turn her down.  When none of those passing can give their hands to help her up, only God is willing to do that. 

She knows that all those who came her way may be good people, but still they turned, to become a pain in her life, turned now into illusion.  The love she gave taken for granted, the friends she trusted have left her alone with doubt, and those who passed away have left her with a dead heart and a soul in pain, turning her days into black.  So many questions she asks herself.  Asking why?  Such an easy and short word, but the answer is so complicated and hard.  Walking slowly with breaking steps, she’s too young to feel old this way.  She’s full of life, so why is she’s dying silently everyday?  What makes her switch on the light in the middle of the day, when the sun is shining and warm? She lives in the light but sees nothing but darkness, she has her own world no one else can enter, to be there to share her pain.  All she sees is darkness, opening her eyes or closing them, it’s all the same.  Who should she blame that the light has left her life?  Who would take her hand and walk slowly with her, who can show her the way.  Who would be brave enough, kind enough, to make her feel safe?  She tries through her faith to light her way, she asks for God’s help in all the ways she knows. She has none beside her except God and her faith.

She’s a young woman who was surrounded by big numbers of friends, but started to lose them one by one until she ended up alone.  She has memories that she keeps of things she can’t feel or see any more.  The breeze touching her face, the flowers and the trees playing in breeze, the giggling of kids and their innocent faces.  Recalling them makes her feel a little alive, but all that she hears is a killing silence that she fears.  She can feel the happiness of other women with their children and their men when they are pass her by, but yet she can’t dare to wish to have a family and kids too.  It’s spring time and the sun is shining outside, she touches her lips making sure she’s smiling, heads to her closet to try to figure out which colorful dress to wear, picking her blue dress, she never looks at her mirror.  Standing on her balcony she tries to be strong, a passing neighbor tells her she looks good today, she smiles, forgets herself and goes to see herself in the mirror, all she sees is black.  Her soulful eyes fill with tears, ruining her make up, she breaks down on the floor, and breaks another mirror, it’s not her mirrors fault.

Darkness is covering her life.  There is only her faith left now to light up her way.  She searches again and again through her faith to re-find her security and joy.  She’s a blind woman fighting every day to find her way back to happiness.  In the past she was a happy girl full of life.  They all see her as the girl in the ever-changing colourful dresses, she has her own world.  In her sight everything has changed, she has forgotten the sensation of being happy, she accepts the bitter fact, she’s a woman in black.

 Jinan

Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

May 25, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Nature, others, outsiders, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Violence, Words, youth | 11 Comments

One Last Chance


For the young guy Jason, nothing would be the same, losing the only girl he loved is a fact he has to accept. Through the years since he had met her, she had been like a soft breeze who made his life different in a good way.  After suffering from very painful issues through the years, she was like almost the breath he takes, meeting her had been the only thing to make him forget his grief…  But like every guy, he had a dream to achieve, and he wanted to achieve that dream, regardless of who will lose on his way to reaching that success.  He lost his track, the company he kept, the places that hold nothing but sins, he was losing the meaning of his life, he was losing the person he loved most.

Achieving his dream became nothing but an excuse to do whatever he wanted to do, to run from himself and forget.  From what he had been through since he lost his dad when he was a little baby.  His father left his mother and him before he got to know him.  And when he got used to the presence of the man who took his father’s place in his life, just when he started calling him dad, his step-father passed away.  To Jason, that felt like losing his real dad, and left him in a lot of pain.  Between knowing that his real father was still alive, but also feeling the grief of losing the person who taught him the real meaning of fatherhood, Jason was living his life searching for something he thought he would never find.

He was searching for himself.  The challenges he faced, the questions without answer he used to ask were to satisfy his curiosity. He was the guy with a big heart trying to find the lost part himself. Singing and playing music was the only things that helped him to find peace in the world.  Since he was seven years old he had dreamed of being a singer one day.  Even when he grew up that thought never left his mind.  But life always has something to surprise him, and when he was twenty his mother passed away, leaving her young guy in the middle of nowhere.  She was the one who supported him, she was his shoulder to cry on.  She raised him in a great way and used to encourage him to chase his dream. Losing his mother would lead Jason onto the wrong track.  Though his friends were there for him, his mother’s loss blinded his eyes and his soul and he lost his faith in everything.  Losing his faith drove him into many sins, he turned his back on his good friends and never wanted to hear from them. Even the girl who he loved, he was blind enough to break her heart.  He was living in denial.  Denying himself, his friends, his faith, he was moving slowly into a long dark tunnel without even noticing it.  As the years passed, Jason walked deeper and deeper in the darkness.  He was attracted to it, through his mourning for the loss of his mom, for his step-dad, and even for the first loss he had before he recognized that he had, his real dad.  Life was a battle for Jason, achieving his dream took him in a wrong direction, and in achieving it he also achieved everything he never wanted. 

But a wake-up call was sent to him and he opened his eyes to the bitter facts.  He didn’t only lose his family, he had also lost himself.  He looked around at the people who entered his life and have a bad affect on his behavior.  Though he used to feel relief when he prayed, he started to fear God due to all the mistakes he had made.  He had been lost for many years, but now once again his mother’s spirit surrounded him, and woke him up before he was drawn any further into this darkness he had put himself in.  Jason opened his eyes to see that everyone who mattered had left him and he was alone.  Trying to sing, but it was all sad songs, he gave up on his music dream.  And he turned to chase the one who he had let go, he wanted to return to the only real person he loved backin his past , even if she was now little more for him than a dream….

For Jason, waking as if after he had slept for years, not only was his head heavy and aching, but even his soul.  He felt that he filled it with sins, and filled his girl’s heart with agony and wounds. He recalled all the chances he missed, recollecting all the photos that held both of them, he missed being with her.  Running back to her, hoping to have another chance, he called her name but she ignored him.  He visited her, and although she opened the door she considered him a stranger… His tears were pouring asking for forgiveness, but her heart was frozen due to the wounds he had caused.  With those wounds still wide open, she couldn’t give him one last chance, she couldn’t even bear to touch his hand.  What did I do to the girl I loved the most he tried to recall, but refreshing his memory made him feel guilty for the love he had pushed away.  Nothing good was left in his life, blaming himself, crying all the time, even the dream he held since he was little boy had let him down. He thought that singing was the thing that he most wanted to do, however, he stepped on everyone’s who cared for him just to achieve his dream. Between all his losses, he had, he lost himself too.  He had let other’s down, he disappointed them when they were ready to do anything to stand by his side. 

He had pushed them all away, and now he had to stand up alone, trying to get to his faith back, and trying to rebuild his life.  Sitting on his sofa, holding his guitar and singing his sad songs about himself, imagining his life as a movie that can never be happy one.  The images he has in his mind are ones that were never captured on camera, those are the most valuable images, of those he loved the most, but who he is now sitting alone without.  It’s not easy to be away from someone who filled your life with love, the emptiness it leaves is painful.  Jason tried his best to ask his girl to give him one last chance, but all she gave him was a reflection of the way he had treated her.  It’s hard to keep chasing someone when they are running away and that was what was happening with his girl.  You get tired, and they would keep chasing their grievances from the past.  It is so hard after losing your faith and taking the wrong track, to find those who you crushed because of your blindness, are still alive but there is no way for you to return to them.  And that’s what Jason felt, that though she was still there breathing, inwardly she was dead.  He had killed the love himself, he couldn’t blame her, but he missed her.  After all the chances he had missed and all the warm feelings she had showed him. He had always neglected them, for some reason, for many reasons…

He waited and hoped for a last chance to show her that he had changed. But whenever he met her and felt her hands like ice, no feelings appeared in her eyes… He stood there in silence watching her taking another step away from him, every step causing a new wound in his heart. It doesn’t matter now for her, but for him he’s dying silently and begging the Lord for a miracle to make her turn back, look at him and give him one last chance. She never did, and he gave up asking for her forgiveness, what was broken can never be rebuild again.  Things could never be the same, there would always be a scar to remind them, there would always be tears shed when recalling the reason for this scar….  Just like when we see the sun disappearing behind the sea, we miss the moment when we take their love for granted, when we do the things that hurt them and push them away, it never occurs to us until we watch them fading away, only then we know how much they means to us.  It is our decision to lose those we love, but we watch them leaving and only then realize we are left with just the darkness and the night….

Jason realized how he let his losses affect his life, by trying to forget the loss of his mother he had suffered other losses, the only girl he loved and who will never be back to his life, and himself too.  So he gathered the pieces of his broken heart.  He knew the mistakes he made and learned a lot from them.  He doesn’t want to ask anyone to give him a chance anymore.  He’s a new guy now, working on himself to be better person.  Though the scars will always be there, though the tears will always flow when he misses her, it was his choice and he’s paying the price for making them.  Playing his guitar and singing to entertain himself, he’s back on the right track now.  He’s now aware, more than ever, he won’t ask anyone for another chance to forgive him.  If people don’t want to see that he deserves it, then let it be.  As for him, he will give himself one last chance, because he knows he deserves it.  People make mistakes but the most important thing is that you know you are on the wrong track and get back to right one.  If you apologize for what you did, that is the first step on your way to change.  If they don’t accept your apology, never beg others to give you a chance.

You are the one who deserves it, allow yourself to have it, especially if you have only One Last Chance…

  Jinan

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

May 14, 2011 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words, youth | 7 Comments

A Game To Play


Looking at her happy face made me feel satisfied for her, that she had just found love again, after she lost her beloved years ago. She had found it hard to let a new person break the walls she had built, had thought that she could never betray his love, even after his death. But today she was talking and talking about her new love, how she never thought she might again find some-one who would make her heart beat like this.  Her ex beloved had been a perfect example for how a guy should love and treat a girl.
I felt as if I know the guy she was talking about.  Through her way of describing him, through her depth of words in describing him, I felt he was strongly there with us.
“How can you tell if he’s playing with your feelings?” I asked.
She replied with confidence: “He’s honest, he said he never lied”.
Days go by and the new love was growing deeply in the young girl’s heart, every day was a new happiness for her, every moment was a new reason to love life more. A year passed by, and the young girl was facing difficulties with her new beloved, one month they are happy, and another month they are fighting.  She used to tell me that she’s thinking about leaving him, but she can’t. She was always assuming – what if he needed her while she’s not talking to him?  What if he has a hard time and needs to talk to her?  Her eyes were always wet, full of hidden tears. She was trying her best to never cry, but in the end she always did.
He never deserved that kind of girl; he was playing games all the time. Though she knew and felt that, she also never really knew why she wanted to stay. Maybe because from the start he asked her to never leave him, and while they were together he kept asking her to never leave. She hoped that the deep love she had towards him would make her want to stand by him no matter what. She might be mistaken to stay with someone who’s not honest, but she wasn’t the kind of girl who loves selfishly. Even when she knows when she should leave, reading the signs wasn’t enough for her. But also eventually, finding that he’s not truthful through his behavior, makes her  decide to leave him for good. He never even tried to ask her to stay, or to defend himself over his mistakes that she saw. She was telling me with a choking voice about the messages she sent to him, and how he never replied to any of them.
Though her wounded pride still kills her, she believes that she’ll get over her love someday. I see her every day, acting like a happy girl, but inwardly so sad.  She may trick people into convincing them how strong she is, but deep inside all she feels is weak.  Her hidden secret revealed every night when she goes to bed, the walls of confidence breaking down, leaving her feeling insecure. She takes off her happy face, the mask to hide her sadness. The silent pain that she has, never  starts talking loudly until she’s alone, surrounded by calmness and tears.
For this young girl, love has changed her life. The first love who died years ago, made her built walls to protect herself from falling in love again. Her fear back then was that death may again steal a new beloved. But when she got over her fears, she opened her heart again for another guy. She never imagined that some people love to play games with other’s feelings. She used to think that the only thing that might separate her from the person she loved would be  death. But death has mercy more than those who decide to use another’s feelings as a game to play. 
If God decides to take away someone’s life, then that is just the right time for them to leave this world.  But for those who decide to break someone’s heart just to have fun, they are so away from knowing God.  If they knew God or had any relation with God, they would know that he exists in everyone of us, including those who’s feelings they have played with.
I don’t know the reasons that push people to cheat on their loved ones. Or to lie and play games behind their back.  Especially when they are loved by an honest person who cares for them and is ready to do anything just to make them happy. Is it selfishness that leads people to do that in order to feel satisfied themselves? Or do they lack some confidence, and by acting in that way with others and seeing them suffering, they feel happy for achieving something? Is it because in their conception, making others suffer means they are lovable? Whatever the reason behind their behavior, immaturity is playing a big role in their lives. Perhaps being away from God is also a reason that makes them cause pain for someone.   Making a person who truly loves you feel insulted with wounded pride is the worst thing someone might cause to another. It’s amazing how deep feelings change a persons life. It puts them in upper places, where they feel as if they are flying so high. But when that is covered with lies, it is weird how the same feelings affect their life by throwing them from the high sky immediately to bury them under the ground.
When someone decides to play with another’s heart and feelings, they are building themselves up by pulling another down. When a person decides to play a game with another’s heart without thinking of the others feelings, then their own life is losing its meaning with time, their connection with others will fade away, and their opportunity of having someone new in their lives is decreasing. They may enjoy playing their games and think they have won, but after the other person who gave so much of his or her time and love is left standing in silent anger, what have they really won? 

Jinan

December 16, 2010 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, others, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words | 26 Comments

Behind Closing Doors


Have you ever looked deeply in their eyes? There is a hidden message, have you ever read it? Through their silence, did you try to hear their unspoken words? They were screaming for help, have you ever heard them? When they take away their own life, you judge them as bad people or even unstable ones, but who knows what they have been through to reach that level of depression that pushed them to commit suicide? Behind closing doors we never know what’s going on in other’s lives.

People face a tremendous number of troubles, a few prefer to consult a psychologist, and some think that it’s a personal issue no one should interfere with. In the other hand they drown in the troubles. They keep on increasing until they lose control of themselves; they pay the price or the people who are close to them pay the price. Sometimes, the problem may be a very simple one, but it depends on the age of the person. When a 10 year old boy/girl faces a situation of bullying in school, at the same time he/she might have family problems and no one is there to listen to them. That for sure would affect their life, especially with the insecurity they are facing in their home. They would be having difficulties in their study, and also lack of self-esteem. They would think that they are not welcome in this life, instead of having good time in school to forget their problems at home, they are being scared to go there watching everyone destroying them. And when they go back home after school, instead of having a loving family who can help them, they are having a hard time with their parents. For them it is as if they are moving from hell to hell. When those children commit suicide, then everyone would wake up, and start searching for the reasons that lead that child to take away his/her life. They start wondering and recalling how they were always calm; they were polite and never talked in a loud voice. They were obeying, never hurt anyone. At home their parents go to check if there are any obstacles that their child was facing in school, and there they know what was going on with their child, but after what? After they lost them. Where were they when their child was coming back from school with teary eyes? Where were they when they called him/her for lunch and said they prefer to stay in their room? Where were they when their child woke up crying and feeling scared not knowing what to do. They never think of their child until after they lose them. They then remember that they should go and ask about what was happening with their child. This is what I call selfish. When parents want to be selfish, why would they get married? When they don’t want to protect their children with their eyes, why would they have children? If they are immature to solve their troubles with wisdom, why would they involve other lives in theirs?

 We don’t expect a 10 year old child or even 15 years old teen to get what’s going on around them. When it’s too much to handle, especially at this age , they need caring people to keep on watching over them and guiding them to the right track, because even if they passed that phase in their life, they might drown later when they get older. They would be involved in other issues, like: drugs, violence, stealing etc.. If they opened their eyes watching their dad violent with their mom, they would do the same when they get married, and they would consider their actions right, because their dad is their idle. We never know what’s going on behind closing doors. Families face battles, and the silence that covers up, we would explore suddenly with hearing shocking news, and our first thought is: “They looked like a very happy family, what happened to them?” But the truth is, they’ve never been a happy family, their home’s doors were closing all the time, and we never know what was going on there. However, some people love to judge others; it’s in their nature. They never look at the reasons that led to that person to take way his/her life; they always focus on the result.

A little accident happened with me lately. Someone knocked on our door, I opened up and I saw an old man in his early 60’s. He seemed lost, something in his eyes made me wonder at the same moment what’s with that man. He asked me about my dad, I replied that dad is not home. I was about to ask him if he would like to leave a message to dad, he left me talking to myself and turned his back and left. My mom came at that moment and saw me and the expression on my face because of how he left. She asked me: “Who’s that? And what does he want?” I was really shocked and said, “What’s going on with that man? He just left me talking to myself without saying a word of thanks. I was kind of not satisfied about what he did, especially that I was very polite with him. My mother smiled for what happened with me, but in someway, that man stuck on my head. I kept thinking of what was wrong with him, he seemed very lost, his eyes were really teary. I felt something wrong with him and that’s why he was on my mind until a few days ago, I heard that he committed suicide. I was shocked, and recalled the moment I opened the door and saw him standing there lost, as if he’s searching for something. I knew the reason why he left me talking to myself without even saying “Thank you” or if as he’ll come again later. I recognized how much he was not there even when he was there asking about my dad. He wasn’t focusing on what he’s doing or with whom he’s talking. Later on, I knew from others who knew that man that he has tremendous troubles in his family and with his son. I wish I never saw him. I keep wondering why did he give up at this age? He must have been in a very difficult situation through his life, but why would he give up now? He’s supposed to be stronger and wiser to deal with his problems. But then again, I’m not in his shoes to know what was going on with that old man. I keep recalling his teary eyes and wish I could help him. I never knew that people at this age might take away their life too. Now I know more than ever, that no matter how strong the person might be, no matter how happy the person might look, in one moment he might be the weakest, and in one moment he might collapse and break down. 

Never bully a person, you should be thinking that you may be pushing them to end their lives. Never ignore the tears you see in other’s eyes, with one question you ask: “Are you okay? Can I help you?” you may be saving his life by knowing that there is someone ready to open his arms and hold them and stand by them. Always try to make those who feel insecure, feel security. Find a way and show them love and care, you may be helping them to live longer.

Behind closing doors, there is a hidden secret; you can’t break those doors to find the truth. But at least, never judge in a bad way on those who take away their life, or even on those who try to and fail. Ask yourself why didn’t you wipe their tears at least once? Why didn’t you hear them screaming instead of closing your ears? Why didn’t you think to solve their problems when they kept silent? It’s true that their home’s door was closed and you couldn’t do anything to help, but why didn’t you ever take the chance to get close to them when they opened the door and left their home, instead of judging them?

  Jinan

November 28, 2010 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, news, others, outsiders, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Violence, Words, youth | 6 Comments

Footprints


How many times do we say we want to disappear, without leaving a trace in another’s life? Due to anger and pain, we wish to remove those people from our life. But there is always a footprint that will never be easily erased. It leads them to us, or it shows us the road to get back to them. 

We leave a footprint in other people’s life. It might be a good one or bad one. It’s not easy to get over those we cared for, who we used to live with, who we shared their wonderful moments. No matter how we try to stay together, there will be always circumstances that will part us from each other. Some can’t deal with the idea of leaving their dear ones; they drown in sadness and tears. Others deal with it in logic, they accept being away from their dear ones, though deep inside the pain is bottomless. They will always hold the memories in their hearts. Sometimes hearing their voices, although they never see each other for years. But the strength of their existence is always there, feeling them near, no matter how distant they are.  There is always the album that holds their memories, but it is only photos. The moments they shared together and might never share it again, it came once in their lives, now seen only as frozen moment in a photo album. The only one thing left that makes them smile is recalling what was happening the moment they took these shots.    

With every step we take, in each other’s life we are creating a new experience, a new adventure.  It doesn’t matter how long we remain in their life, the most important thing is what we did for them, to let them feel secure if they were not. It doesn’t matter if we were meeting up with them daily, what matter is how many times we made them smile when their eyes were full of tears. The change we are able to make in their life is all what matters.  The good trace we leave in their track is the foot print that will lead them back to us in every time they need someone to rely on.  They will feel that there is someone in this world ready to stand by them.  Just by typing an email and hitting send, or by picking up the phone and dialing their numbers.  We can be sure from their positive respond because of the good footprints they left when they had to leave our life.  As if they were looking backward, to make sure their footprints will be there after they leave, so that they will be there when we need them.

But some people leave painful foot prints in others lives. Maybe a word that has been said that leaves a scar in the heart, that makes us feel sad and hurt.  Or a specific situation we faced that makes us feel lost, or even cry, no matter how long ago that happened with us.  Those who cause the aching trace also, they walk over our life with steady steps that only make sure the wound will be deeper at the time they left our life forever.  That kind of foot prints pushes us to analyze, trying to find out the reason behind it. Why would those who were the biggest part of our life hurt us on purpose?  At least if they can’t leave a good trace, let them go silently and leave us peacefully.    

But living in peace is not so easy for some people.  Fighting, causes trouble and dealing irrationally with life’s issues are all that some people can do when their mind stops thinking. Dealing with the troubles that we face by using our brain is what every person should do, by using our brain we are acting as human beings

Every footprint we have left in another’s life should be useful and supporting ones.  Life has its ups and downs; we meet people who are ready to enter the storm just to save us. And we might meet those who would leave us in the middle of the storm, never thinking to give us a helping hand.  They escape in their own life, leaving us on the edge. But never regret good footprints you leave in the life of those who hurt you. 

No matter how mean they were to you, nobody knows their circumstances, the difficulties they faced in their life. They might walk on the wrong path since they were young, with no one there to lead them the right way; and that’s why they are lost. They might live in darkness through their days, and it gets scary in their nights. No one there to lighten up their road and show them that they were there for them. 

Keep on leaving good footprints in others lives, no matter how hard they have pushed you away from them by acting in a hurtful way. No one likes to live in hatred, it’s not a choice they made, its’ the environment they lived in.  No one likes to hurt others, we are all God’s creatures and God put the love and nothing but the love inside of our hearts.  Maybe it’s the unfair world they lived in, the people they faced on their path, who taught them the wrong concept about hurting others to protect yourself.  They never learned that by loving others they will have an unlimited power and they would live in peace.

The moment we enter someone’s life we are starting to make footprints in their lives, it’s in the photos we take, the words we talk. It’s in the benefit of every struggle we make, not the fight that leaves hatred.  And sometimes it’s in one word we say to a stranger, we might have a very big impact and open their eyes to something they have never been aware of. 

It hurts when we are forced to leave those who we truly loved, but there is an end to every road we travel. Better we leave a good trace that will make them smile when they think of us.  And some day, if life lets them down, they will look at those footprints that we left in their life, and it will lead them back to us.  

In some way, someday.

Jinan

September 30, 2010 Posted by | childhood, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, others, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words | 9 Comments