Jinan Zeidan's Blog

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The Release Of My First Book


Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000478132/Let-Them-Go-With-A-Smile.aspx

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December 22, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Grandfather, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, Nature, news, others, outsiders, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Politics, Poverty, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Technology, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words, youth | 3 Comments

Ps: I Miss You So Much


It is not the same, never the same again after you left. I still have the same eyes, the same sight, yet something precious is missing in my eyes. I used to be happy, I used to be happier, but this now makes me so sad… It is not the same when I pass by the places that your laughter used to fill. I wish I could still have our long conversations.  Your words used to make me smile all the time. Nobody could ever say things the way you used to do. You were so sweet Grandpa.

I still feel you there when I visit Grandma.  Sometimes I sit in your seat so I don’t see it empty.  Other times I just look at it.   To not see you sitting in front of me… you have no idea how much I wish you were sitting there.  Looking at the door to your room, I think of you as in there just taking a nap.  I still don’t have the courage to enter your room.  I don’t know if it’s the fear of not finding you, or I still want to think you are in there. Whatever the reason, what I know for sure, is that after you left nothing is the same again.

The apricot tree is not giving like it used to.  Since you left it has changed, it express’s it’s sadness in it’s own way, it used to be prettier.  But this year it looks sad beside the empty chair you left.  No one will ever fill that emptiness. It tears my heart to look at it, to never see you there again. Nothing will be the same again…

It’s almost eight months since you left, I feel like it’s yesterday.  I feel you close to me, but can’t see you.  Your words always in my ears, but I can’t hear you voice.  Sometimes I feel if I turn around, I’ll find you behind me.  But I don’t dare turn, for the fear of not seeing you there…

I’ve known before the feeling of a broken heart.  But after you left, what I experienced was how it feels when a piece of me, my heart, is taken and yet still I’m alive.  For the first time I know how it feels to have an aching soul.

After you left, nothing will be the same again. You decorated my life since I was a little girl, with your sweet smiles and warm love.  Since you left and for the rest of my life, my days will be decorated with your precious memory. You always made me smile, you never made me cry, until the day you left without saying goodbye… 

Since then, things are never the same again.

Ps:  I miss you so much Grandpa!!

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August 4, 2011 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, Grandfather, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, others, Past, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Words | 9 Comments

The Day He Left


  It was a moment, when my world collapsed in front of my eyes, I stood there paralyzed.. Couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.. In less than a moment, the laughter turned into screams.. My eyes were suddenly full of tears. I was lost in my place, didn’t know what to do. I was supposed to be preparing myself to leave home, but instead I was searching the rooms for nothing, searching for no one, trying to deal with what I heard turned in a moment my whole world. My grandpa passed away which shocked me since he was in good health. He left without any warning.. I wondered why the people we love the most all leave this life without having the chance to say goodbye..  On my way to my grandparents’ place, I kept on thinking of his smiling face; doubting myself to stand that heavy heart of mine and all the sorrow that just landed in my soul. My grandfather was a very special person.. Since the moment I opened my eyes on this life, I’ve never seen a frown on his face. His smile was a great part of his life. On my way to my grandparents’ place, memories of all the good days I shared with him since I was a little girl till the day he left were coming so fast on my mind. We were about to arrive to the place, but something inside of me was wishing for the first time to never reach the place. When we got near the house, I looked as usual at the place where I used to see him sitting under the apricot tree, I used to tell my brother “Look at my grandpa. He’s under the tree”, and he used to smile and wave for us before the car entered to the place and park. The first thing we used to do is head towards him, give him a hug and joke a little. Then we’d go and see my grandma. But today the moment I saw the apricot tree from distance, it was a bitter fact that his presence wasn’t there anymore. I couldn’t stand not seeing him there with his wonderful smile again. We got to the place; many cars were there; I crossed the road looking at the empty chair he left thinking something so precious was missing here. He’s not here anymore to decorate this place with his presence. It’s the first time I visit this place with tears. I kept convincing myself that he might be sleeping inside, I wanted to think that by the very short steps I’d take till I get to the door, he would be alive. The women I saw sitting on the balcony didn’t really give me the chance to lie at myself more, they were all sitting in silent wearing black, my world at that moment stopped, my heart was so heavy, I used to run to the door calling grand mom or grandpa, but now I can’t run. I felt like I needed a power to take me away from this place, I screamed from pain and fear, I asked the women about him, where is my grandpa? I just wanted one of them to say “Sitting in his room” but they never said that, everyone was crying, everyone was in a shock, he was at good health but his time in this life ended.

Next day in the funeral, I saw him for the last time. He was lying there as if he’s sleeping; I kept staring at him begging him silently to get up. My soul was aching.. It was a different kind of pain, never felt it before. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, I wanted to my eyes grow his image in my mind more and more. When it’s time to take him away, a piece of my heart went with him when he disappeared, for the words I screamed I wished if he had heard me, for the tears I cried to see his smile again, I spent years with my grandpa, he was spreading the laughter and the joy to my life but I never knew that in one day he will take them with him when he leaves this life. 

  We’d never think that our loved ones would leave us someday, maybe because when we look for them we always find them where we expect them to be. We feel that if we left them even for months and years, we’ll eventually find them there waiting for us. But when they leave us, it’s not their choice to leave without saying goodbye to their loved ones. We know how much their presence in our life was important more than anything. The little words they used to say, the way they used to look.. It all comes back to our mind.. We start to search for the very little memory we shared because it turns into a treasure, the more we recalled them, the more we become richer by adding their memories to our days. 
    I still see my grandpa everywhere, with smile upon his lips, and the light of love always shining from his eyes. Since I was a little girl and till the day he left, I’ve never seen him angry. He had a beautiful soul.. He was so lovable.. Even though he has left this world, his presence remains everywhere. It was not easy losing someone who was a great part of my life. Suddenly he left with so many memories to remain. I miss him so much though he left two weeks ago, but I’m feeling as if it has been a decade. Now I go to his place, I see emptiness everywhere, the chair he left under the apricot tree, his wonderful smile he used to welcome us when we arrive, his seat in the living room, his room, his books, his stick.. I forget sometimes that he’s not there, I expect him to enter the room, I hear sometimes his light footsteps walking in the corner.. I still smile when I recall his jokes and his words.. And every time it was time to leave his place he used to say “Where are you going? Stay for one more day or two. It’s early to leave, my daughter”. These days when I look at his pictures I say:” I’m still here grandpa, see? I didn’t go anywhere. You are the one who left me.” 
When death takes away those we love the most, we discover the new personality that was hidden inside of us. Some might find out that they are stronger than they were thinking, some people might find out how weak they are no matter how much they think they are strong. It’s not about weakness or strength, it’s about how ready we are to accept the loss.. We do have faith to accept it, we do believe that we are leaving this life sooner or later ,but it’s about the emptiness they leave behind them, the places that no one will fill after them. It’s so hard to deal with the idea of losing someone, because where ever we might go we see them in these places without having the ability to touch them or hug them, we will always be hearing their voices. We feel like they are so close to us but also so far away.. This is the feeling that makes us suffer, this is the feeling that makes us lose our minds and search for those who just left life from moment we go scream searching for them and asking people if they had seen them.. But deep inside we know they left us, no one will ever see them again.. 
  

   Jinan

January 9, 2011 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Grandfather, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Nature, others, Parents, Past, Peace, photos, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words, youth | 17 Comments