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The Release Of My First Book


Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000478132/Let-Them-Go-With-A-Smile.aspx

December 22, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Grandfather, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, Nature, news, others, outsiders, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Politics, Poverty, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Technology, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words, youth | 3 Comments

Overseas


The moment comes, when we have to say goodbye.  Goodbyes not for the end of a relationship between us and our loved ones, but to see them returning away overseas.  A piece of us leaves with them.  The heartaches that grows while we stand there trying to accept the reasons that takes them back to the place they call their second home. We can do nothing but pray for them to get there safely.  Everyone has someone who lives overseas, who can’t find the opportunity in their own country to work.  They are forced to leave, leaving behind them their families and friends, the friends they were raised with.  At some point they have to sacrifice in order to live.  It’s not easy to leave the place of your birth, that will always leave them feeling torn. Always missing the places they used to go when they were kids.  The memories still stuck in their minds as they traveled the whole world. Even if they became rich and famous, they will always want to go back to the places where they used to go as little kids. Always have that desire to relive the moments, the moments that became their past when they had to leave overseas for a living.  
It used to be harder to leave.  There was no internet to connect to family, sometimes it took months to receive a letter from loved ones.  The phone calls were too expensive to make.  The trips took longer, and to be a world apart from each other really meant to be apart.  In the past, things were harder than nowadays.  These days, it’s much easier.  It’s true that technology has made the world a small village.  The letter that used to arrive after a month now arrives in a minute, or a second, by email and Fax. Cameras can allow us to see a person in any place in the world.  All these things have helped people to keep in touch with each other. And also erased thoughts or doubts that people used to have, when they had no idea where their loved ones are now living.  They used to wonder where they lived, what the country looked like.  These days, it’s enough to Google the place, type the country name and the map will show us where they are.  Technology means that you might know more about a place than those that live there.  Nothing is impossible with modern life, everything is coming easily, and it’s getting easier.
But still we can’t ignore the danger of traveling, of crossing the seas to live in another country.  Still not easy to be accepted, especially for parents, they always wish to have their children around them.  Living with them in the same country, in their home.  Technology can’t erase that feeling of pain when we wave goodbye to our loved ones and watch them disappear away.  Even if we know that after they leave we are going to send them messages via facebook, or make a skype call with them, or email.  The ache will stay, the distance still stands between us.  Wishing they are here at this moment, we recall the food they like, and wish we could send them even a bite.  We recall the places where we were with them, the laughter, specific words they use and that we love to hear them say.  It makes us smile to recall those moments from the past, but even if they are writing to us, still our eyes are wet because the distance is still there to pain us.
Worse though is the plane accidents that happen every year.  Thousands of people moving between their country and another, who never make it to their destination.  Killed while they traveled, coming down into the sea, some bodies lost, others so damaged they can’t be recognized or identified.  While they float in the ocean, their families and friends are waiting for them in an airport.  How painful it is to wait for someone who will never come back again?  Technology can do nothing about that.  It can’t ease the hurt of their families, it can’t change the bitter fact that they gone and will not return.  How many people have been lost in the skies, and in the oceans and seas?  The danger of flying is always there, the possibility of never seeing our loved ones again after they travel away overseas.  Every day a huge number of people are moving from country to another.  Some of them are now saying goodbye for the last times to their families, but they don’t know that yet.  Some of them left their home last night only to find after they arrived that their mom or dad or one of their families has passed away.  Would they have left if they knew it was their last goodbye, or would change their life forever, losing someone they love.  Airports are full of travelers, some who are welcoming people with happiness and tears of joy, and others who are waving goodbyes with pain and tears of sadness.  Are they going to see them again, who knows?  Others are postponing their flights to spend more time with their friends and family.  Some others are afraid to leave at all, or decide to return to their country to live the rest of their lives with their family.  
The flights taking people overseas hide so many things.  The possibility to see people again and the possibility to never see them again, that too is always there.  Nothing could describe our happiness when we open the door and see our loved ones surprising us after they’ve been overseas for years.  The feeling of joy and pleasure to see them again is beyond description.  And nothing could describe the moment when we have to say goodbye to them.  We just wish that time could stop at the moment they come, so they could stay forever.  But time keeps running, and soon they will have to rush away again, to be in another part of the world.  They too might wish to never leave, but the time will come that they have to say farewell and go.  Technology will keep them in contact, it will ease the distance, but it can never erase the loss we feel when they leave.  The moment they leave we fake a smile to hide our tears, we pretend we are fine.  But that moment will never be easy when we watch them disappear away overseas.

Jinan

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July 29, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Nature, others, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, Smile, Speak, Technology, Thought, Words, youth | 4 Comments

Woman In Black


She sits in silence her tears pouring down, her hands shivering and dancing to the rhythm of her heart beat.  It’s a glimpse into what surrounds her, a past that turns her world around. Calling out names of people who have faded away, nothing in her ears except the echo shaking her cold body.  Nothing in her eyes but tears, she’s a woman in black living moments of fear…

What covered her soul with sadness? What made her wings too weak to fly as high as she had dreamed? She had been an angel with a pure heart, no wounds caused by lies, not afraid to walk in the sunshine, wise and full of life.  Now she’s an aching heart, dancing in the dark with broken wings.  When she falls and another wound appears on her body, she’s content with her bleeding skin.  But there are other wounds that are hidden inside of her heart.

 She heads to her closet to pick a colorful dress, maybe it can help her to take a step to happiness, she hope so anyway.  If she could change the colour she wears, picking her favorite dress with a broken smile, she thinks she might change her dark mood for a colorful one.  But standing in front of her mirror, what she sees is herself wearing black again, how come she wondered looking down, it’s a colorful dress, but a glimpse into the mirror and it’s black again…  It’s the reflection of her aching soul in the mirror, that can’t allow her to be happy, won’t allow her to fool herself by covering her body with a colorful dress.  She’s not smart enough to fool her soul, it’s not about her body, it’s about what lies within.  When skin is wounded it bleeds, but then it heals.  Maybe there will be a scar as a reminder of the wound, maybe not.  But when her soul is wounded, it is a hurt without bleeding or screaming, and she is lost in a body that doesn’t know what to do.  A wounded prisoner in a sad body, that can’t give up, yet can’t escape.  That is the blackness in the woman’s soul… 

She would break her mirror to destroy the truth she’s denying….  The truth that hurts, the truth that would always be there…  Leaving her room the pieces of her mirror cover the floor, they seem to her like shards of her aching soul….  Please Lord give me strength she screams silently, asking for the power to feel strong enough, to stand up on her own again.  She has faith to ask God for help, to look up in prayer when everything else would turn her down.  When none of those passing can give their hands to help her up, only God is willing to do that. 

She knows that all those who came her way may be good people, but still they turned, to become a pain in her life, turned now into illusion.  The love she gave taken for granted, the friends she trusted have left her alone with doubt, and those who passed away have left her with a dead heart and a soul in pain, turning her days into black.  So many questions she asks herself.  Asking why?  Such an easy and short word, but the answer is so complicated and hard.  Walking slowly with breaking steps, she’s too young to feel old this way.  She’s full of life, so why is she’s dying silently everyday?  What makes her switch on the light in the middle of the day, when the sun is shining and warm? She lives in the light but sees nothing but darkness, she has her own world no one else can enter, to be there to share her pain.  All she sees is darkness, opening her eyes or closing them, it’s all the same.  Who should she blame that the light has left her life?  Who would take her hand and walk slowly with her, who can show her the way.  Who would be brave enough, kind enough, to make her feel safe?  She tries through her faith to light her way, she asks for God’s help in all the ways she knows. She has none beside her except God and her faith.

She’s a young woman who was surrounded by big numbers of friends, but started to lose them one by one until she ended up alone.  She has memories that she keeps of things she can’t feel or see any more.  The breeze touching her face, the flowers and the trees playing in breeze, the giggling of kids and their innocent faces.  Recalling them makes her feel a little alive, but all that she hears is a killing silence that she fears.  She can feel the happiness of other women with their children and their men when they are pass her by, but yet she can’t dare to wish to have a family and kids too.  It’s spring time and the sun is shining outside, she touches her lips making sure she’s smiling, heads to her closet to try to figure out which colorful dress to wear, picking her blue dress, she never looks at her mirror.  Standing on her balcony she tries to be strong, a passing neighbor tells her she looks good today, she smiles, forgets herself and goes to see herself in the mirror, all she sees is black.  Her soulful eyes fill with tears, ruining her make up, she breaks down on the floor, and breaks another mirror, it’s not her mirrors fault.

Darkness is covering her life.  There is only her faith left now to light up her way.  She searches again and again through her faith to re-find her security and joy.  She’s a blind woman fighting every day to find her way back to happiness.  In the past she was a happy girl full of life.  They all see her as the girl in the ever-changing colourful dresses, she has her own world.  In her sight everything has changed, she has forgotten the sensation of being happy, she accepts the bitter fact, she’s a woman in black.

 Jinan

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May 25, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Nature, others, outsiders, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Violence, Words, youth | 11 Comments

The Killing Loop


“Yes, I’m his father”. With head bowed down and his words come with a breeze of shivering, showing that he already expected to hear what that man is coming to say.  The Officer went ahead with his talking, saying “we found his body beside your wife’s grave after we received a phone call, we are sorry to bring you such sad news sir”.  He stood in a killing silence for minutes, wishing it’s a nightmare, he can’t stand on his legs any more, his knees felt so weak. The room seems so dark though it’s only just past noon and the sun’s shining.  Spring was carrying a promise of days filled with happiness and so many plans to share with his 19 years old son Dani, but the news he just heard will carry nothing but cloudy days with endless sadness…

Heading to the hospital is the longest ride he ever drove. He felt like the road is getting longer, though the distance between his place and the hospital is only 15 minutes.  He recalled the times he brought his son to this same hospital two years ago with his wife, who passed away after suffering from cancer.  They had only had the one son, Dani, and he was the world to both of them. But now he feels so apart from the world, he’s driving not sure if he’s taking the right road, can’t figure out if the track will lead him to the hospital to see his son for the last time, or to his wife’s grave to tell her how much he needs and misses her presence in that moment…. 

After he reaches the hospital, his weak steps want to pull him back, he wants any excuse to get back into the car.  He is scared about the coming moment, the moment that will reveal to him the cause of the death.  Although he’s sure what was behind it, still he never expect that things would end up in this painful way…. 

“Sorry for your loss”  the doctor says as he entered the room, but the father interrupts him, asking “what’s the cause of death?” “Overdose” the doctor replied… “we found a trace from drug needles in his hands, your son was a drug addicts and it seems he reached to the highest level”.  The father collapsed crying, feeling he was accusing himself of killing his son, saying “I never wanted to read the signs.”  But now the signs of Dani’s death would be in front of his eyes for the rest of his life, every time he visits his sons grave. “RIP Dani..”

Dani lost his mother when he was aged 17 years, at the age where he needs caring and loving people in hi life.  After he suffered seeing his mother fighting with cancer for more than a year, he lost his mom, but in an indirect way he lost his dad too.  For his dad was drowning in agony, his wife’s illness affecting his life, and he forgot that he had a son who needed him and feeling the same bitter pain from losing his mother.  With days their life changed, Dani used to come back home from school and see his mom in the kitchen preparing his food, waking him up in the morning, taking him to school if he’s late to catch his bus… After she was diagnosed with cancer she never changed her caring treatment towards her son and husband, not until the disease progressed too far and she got really tired… When his mother passed away, for Dani there was no need to be home after school, especially when his father was not there anymore too. Even if his father was there in body, in his mind he was with his wife.  For Dani it meant he lost both his mom and his dad…. 

Dani started to hang out more than he should have been allowed to, at age 18 he had his first beer, then he started to party with guys he met in the bars and in the streets, he got involved more and more with them.  He felt much better when there was something distracting him from feeling lonely, and his pain he lived in after his mom’s passed away…  He used to obey his parents to be at home before midnight, now spending the night out was a normal thing to him, he didn’t have to sneak back to his bed, he simply returned through the main door of the house.  He knew his Dad was asleep, and his mom was no longer alive to keep up waiting and worry for him… Though there was no rules to follow, he missed fighting with his mom about coming late home.  He missed her presence, he used to think that she’s going to be waiting for me tonight, but she never was…. With his father careless towards him, Dani was drowning, and after every visit to his mom’s grave he was falling… falling apart from the reality of who he used to be… Until one of his friends recommended marijuana and he felt happy at experiencing something new in his life.  But from marijuana things progressed to new kinds of drugs.  When he started on heroin though, he faced difficulties to provide money, so he was stealing and making deals with the drug suppliers, to set up with new teenagers and buy them drugs… 

His dad noticed that something was changing with his son, but he never gave enough attention, he just thought it was all about partying and getting drunk.  He noticed that his son’s temper was getting bad, but he thought it was from missing his mom that was making this change in his personality… He had never used to fight with his son, but now every day brought a new reason to fight. They used to hold each others hands when mom was alive, and pray before they have their lunch or dinner, now his dad never touch his son’s hand simply because they don’t sit at the same table anymore… The street life were taking Dani away from his home, the drugs were making him forget about who he used to be, and all the plans he had for his future faded away.  The happy life he used to live had become a nightmare, his mom was gone and his dad was still alive, but it was as if he had passed away too…

The last talk Dani had with his father  was actually a fight, a big fight.  He left home and never come back again for days. His dad saw by accident the marks on Dani’s hands, the needle track’s. He was worried that his son was using drugs.  He wanted to contact a treatment center to send his son to, to help his son to clean his body from this poison… He went to his son’s room, he tried to find something that would tell him that maybe he was wrong, but all the things that belonged to his son were missing… For three days he though and hoped his son was just spending time at a friend’s place and he would come get back home as usual.  He was wrong, when he opened the door to an Officer instead of opening it to welcome his son, he knew that Dani would never step into this home again, that he was alone in this place….

Drug abuse – there are so many reason that lead guys, especially teenagers, to fall into this trap.  Family problems, violence, divorce that affect the children, lacking for caring and love, etc.. Boys/girls can try to find something to help them forget their problems, the fake happiness that can be waiting for them in any place they go; school, street, party, trip etc.  The noose is ready to surround their life and kill them in any moment they lose faith and hope to save themselves…  Some people start their addiction through painkillers, and they get involve without even thinking it might lead them to be drug addictions. Once they accept the first cigarette that contain drugs they are putting the rope around their neck.  The more they get involve the more that killing loop tightens on their life, the higher they get the closer they are getting to death, until the moment comes when the loop get so tight they can’t breath, or even scream for help….

Dani’s father stood by his son’s grave after the funeral, knowing how much he had ignored his son after his wife was gone…  He thinks of his son and the times they spent together, the laughter they had, but all those memories he recalls were two years ago.  He feels as if he has never seen him since he last saw his wife.  His son was in front of him all the time but they never shared anything after mother passed away…  Now he needs his son.  He cries for them both, he feels guilty and collapses on the grass… He asks his son to forgive him for the times he didn’t see him though he was standing in front of him.  He apologize for the words he never heard, while he acted as if he did… He knew it’s not Dani’s fault, it was his own.  Dani took the overdose beside his mothers grave, that much he missed her to follow her, that much he was desperate…

Dani’s father never read the signs, though they were so clear to read… But now there is a big sign he will be forced to read every time he visit their graves, and he can do nothing about it..

“RIP Dani, you’ll be missed”…

 Jinan

April 4, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, Nature, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Speak, suicide, Thought, Trust, Violence, Words, youth | 7 Comments

The Day He Left


  It was a moment, when my world collapsed in front of my eyes, I stood there paralyzed.. Couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.. In less than a moment, the laughter turned into screams.. My eyes were suddenly full of tears. I was lost in my place, didn’t know what to do. I was supposed to be preparing myself to leave home, but instead I was searching the rooms for nothing, searching for no one, trying to deal with what I heard turned in a moment my whole world. My grandpa passed away which shocked me since he was in good health. He left without any warning.. I wondered why the people we love the most all leave this life without having the chance to say goodbye..  On my way to my grandparents’ place, I kept on thinking of his smiling face; doubting myself to stand that heavy heart of mine and all the sorrow that just landed in my soul. My grandfather was a very special person.. Since the moment I opened my eyes on this life, I’ve never seen a frown on his face. His smile was a great part of his life. On my way to my grandparents’ place, memories of all the good days I shared with him since I was a little girl till the day he left were coming so fast on my mind. We were about to arrive to the place, but something inside of me was wishing for the first time to never reach the place. When we got near the house, I looked as usual at the place where I used to see him sitting under the apricot tree, I used to tell my brother “Look at my grandpa. He’s under the tree”, and he used to smile and wave for us before the car entered to the place and park. The first thing we used to do is head towards him, give him a hug and joke a little. Then we’d go and see my grandma. But today the moment I saw the apricot tree from distance, it was a bitter fact that his presence wasn’t there anymore. I couldn’t stand not seeing him there with his wonderful smile again. We got to the place; many cars were there; I crossed the road looking at the empty chair he left thinking something so precious was missing here. He’s not here anymore to decorate this place with his presence. It’s the first time I visit this place with tears. I kept convincing myself that he might be sleeping inside, I wanted to think that by the very short steps I’d take till I get to the door, he would be alive. The women I saw sitting on the balcony didn’t really give me the chance to lie at myself more, they were all sitting in silent wearing black, my world at that moment stopped, my heart was so heavy, I used to run to the door calling grand mom or grandpa, but now I can’t run. I felt like I needed a power to take me away from this place, I screamed from pain and fear, I asked the women about him, where is my grandpa? I just wanted one of them to say “Sitting in his room” but they never said that, everyone was crying, everyone was in a shock, he was at good health but his time in this life ended.

Next day in the funeral, I saw him for the last time. He was lying there as if he’s sleeping; I kept staring at him begging him silently to get up. My soul was aching.. It was a different kind of pain, never felt it before. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, I wanted to my eyes grow his image in my mind more and more. When it’s time to take him away, a piece of my heart went with him when he disappeared, for the words I screamed I wished if he had heard me, for the tears I cried to see his smile again, I spent years with my grandpa, he was spreading the laughter and the joy to my life but I never knew that in one day he will take them with him when he leaves this life. 

  We’d never think that our loved ones would leave us someday, maybe because when we look for them we always find them where we expect them to be. We feel that if we left them even for months and years, we’ll eventually find them there waiting for us. But when they leave us, it’s not their choice to leave without saying goodbye to their loved ones. We know how much their presence in our life was important more than anything. The little words they used to say, the way they used to look.. It all comes back to our mind.. We start to search for the very little memory we shared because it turns into a treasure, the more we recalled them, the more we become richer by adding their memories to our days. 
    I still see my grandpa everywhere, with smile upon his lips, and the light of love always shining from his eyes. Since I was a little girl and till the day he left, I’ve never seen him angry. He had a beautiful soul.. He was so lovable.. Even though he has left this world, his presence remains everywhere. It was not easy losing someone who was a great part of my life. Suddenly he left with so many memories to remain. I miss him so much though he left two weeks ago, but I’m feeling as if it has been a decade. Now I go to his place, I see emptiness everywhere, the chair he left under the apricot tree, his wonderful smile he used to welcome us when we arrive, his seat in the living room, his room, his books, his stick.. I forget sometimes that he’s not there, I expect him to enter the room, I hear sometimes his light footsteps walking in the corner.. I still smile when I recall his jokes and his words.. And every time it was time to leave his place he used to say “Where are you going? Stay for one more day or two. It’s early to leave, my daughter”. These days when I look at his pictures I say:” I’m still here grandpa, see? I didn’t go anywhere. You are the one who left me.” 
When death takes away those we love the most, we discover the new personality that was hidden inside of us. Some might find out that they are stronger than they were thinking, some people might find out how weak they are no matter how much they think they are strong. It’s not about weakness or strength, it’s about how ready we are to accept the loss.. We do have faith to accept it, we do believe that we are leaving this life sooner or later ,but it’s about the emptiness they leave behind them, the places that no one will fill after them. It’s so hard to deal with the idea of losing someone, because where ever we might go we see them in these places without having the ability to touch them or hug them, we will always be hearing their voices. We feel like they are so close to us but also so far away.. This is the feeling that makes us suffer, this is the feeling that makes us lose our minds and search for those who just left life from moment we go scream searching for them and asking people if they had seen them.. But deep inside we know they left us, no one will ever see them again.. 
  

   Jinan

January 9, 2011 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Grandfather, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Nature, others, Parents, Past, Peace, photos, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words, youth | 17 Comments

Her 7th Memorial


I thought she was still overseas, but not after a mutual friend asked me if I saw her lately, because that mutual friend heard that my best friend can’t walk anymore. “ What are you talking about?” I asked her with shock and then suddenly the room was spinning. “Yes,” she continued, “She came back from the Emirates weeks ago but I couldn’t see her yet. I heard she’s now paralyzed.” I was with my brother back then and I asked him to take me to see my friend immediately. On our way to her place, I was trembling, and thinking how could I see her sitting on a wheel chair? Do I have the guts? I wasn’t sure I had it in me back then; all I wanted to do is to make sure my close friend is fine. I felt as if a part of me started to get paralyzed too.

We arrived; my brother said he’ll wait for me in the car. With hesitation, I walked towards the stairs, and I wished if I could run away from that place. I wanted to see my friend but I couldn’t stand the idea to see her in pain. My love and worry for her was pulling me to see her. With every step I took my fear for her was increasing; I knew how weak I was, and how my love for her is deep. I reached the door, and didn’t want anything to change, so I knocked on the door and pushed it open as I used to do. I walked in calling out her name. Her parents were in the kitchen, a wide smile appeared across each of their faces when they saw me. I directly asked them where she was. Her mother said “Here she is” pointing at the kitchen door. I turned back and my heart sank; she wasn’t paralyzed as my friend had heard, but she wasn’t the same person I knew.

She was pale, walking slowly, not sure of her steps and trying to maintain her balance by placing her arms ahead of her.  Her eyes were almost closed; she was putting an effort to open them. With a soft voice she asked: “I’m hearing a voice, who is there?” And she recognized me right away, without me even saying a word. She smiled her usual smile and said: “Jinan, I can’t believe you are here”. I gave her a big hug and wished my hug could return my friend back to me. I felt her soul, her pure heart, but her shape was not the same. She lost a lot of weight, her eyes kept on blinking more than usual, and she kept on looking above as if something was pulling her head up. She led me to the sitting room. I turned to her mother and whispered “What’s wrong with her?”  Her mother replied: “Something in her stomach, we don’t know yet, she has an appointment with the doctor this week, hopefully we will know”. We sat in the sitting room, but I had to tell her that I’m coming for five minutes to check on her. She insisted that I stay for lunch but I couldn’t accept her invitation. I watched her moves, her hands that kept on shivering. I was praying that she will be fine soon. She didn’t let me go before I gave her a promise to come back for a long visit next time. When it was time to leave, she asked me about my brother, and she said: “I want to walk with you to the car to see him”, at that moment I felt scared. I had a hunch, that she was going to the car to say bye to my brother and I for the last time, I hoped back then that hunch wasn’t true. I supported her all the way to the car. Even my brother was surprised after he saw her and how she changed.

I got in the car and noticed she’s facing difficulties by going up the stairs. “Let me help you”, I said. “No, I can do it”, she replied. I insisted after I saw her supporting herself on the wall, but she said she‘s fine. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I felt there is a part of me that wanted to help, my eyes that were willed to support her was all I could do. While I was watching her fading away, I told my brother that I’m so worried about her. Deep inside of me, I felt she’s going to leave this world soon, but I didn’t want to believe it.

After my short visit to her place, a few days passed and I called my friend to talk to her but they told me she was hospitalized for some tests and she will be back home after days. I waited for days, but she never got out of the hospital. They said she has a disease in her head and they don’t know what it was yet. They said she’s in real danger. 

I wasn’t sure I had the courage to go to the hospital to visit her. I wanted to go to her place and see her in good health, not lying in bed, can’t survive to even talk. I decided to wait until she came back home to see her, and was asking all people who were visiting her how she was. But the news wasn’t good enough. She couldn’t talk, or hear and they said she couldn’t see too. Then they told me she went into a coma.

It was a Saturday afternoon when I received the news. They said that she had died. I was going to see her on Tuesday but she was gone. I was trying to convince myself all the time that she will be home soon; it was the fear of watching her leaving so soon that made me believe I’ll see her in good health again. I remember that I didn’t say a word the moment I knew she died. I stood on the balcony, in deep silence. The tears were shedding from my eyes as I was staring on without blinking. I stayed for hours like that; I couldn’t scream or cry out using a loud voice. I was paralyzed and I knew the meaning of being paralyzed back then.  All I was seeing was her face when I visited her for the last time, the way she was telling me that she passed her exams. She was overwhelmed even though she was in pain.  I don’t know who to blame, did I disappoint her? Or did she disappoint me? Or is it neither of us to blame? It was fate. God’s will was to take her at that early age.

The next day, my parents went to her funeral, but I didn’t. I couldn’t stand it; to see her lying there without any movement. I admit I was a coward for not accepting the fact that she‘s going to leave forever. I felt my heart was about to stop beating that day, it was too much pain. I’ve never lost anyone in my family or any close friends, but that day I felt I lost my whole world.

This year is her 7th memorial, I still think of her where I left her for the last time at her place, down stairs. I still expect to see her there if I went again to see her parents. But I never went there. I remember I passed once by her village but all the while my knees were shivering and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know how lucky I was to have a wonderful friend until I met her, I never knew how weak I was until I lost her.

I miss her every day; I miss how she used to walk a long distance to visit me every time she came to see her grandparents. I still remember her shiny face when I open the door saying with a lovely smile: “See? Even Though I don’t like walking but I walked all this distance just to see you”. I used to feel so happy back then. After her death, hearing a knock on the door made me run to open the door expecting her standing there, and it took me a long time before I got over that feeling. I still think of my friend standing where I left her, the last thing I did, is asking her to be careful while going up the stairs, the last thing I heard from her, is: “Don’t worry I’m fine” I wanted to get out of the car and help her back then. I felt maybe it could be hard on her because helping her might have made her feel powerless. That was the main reason why I agreed to let her walk by herself.  Now I regret it; I wish I went and helped her just to gain a few extra minutes with her.

I promised her to be back again, but I never did. While I kept on praying for her, hoping to see her in good health, she was dying. After I had the guts to see her, I was waiting to visit her in the hospital, but she didn’t wait. Maybe she waited days for me, but I never showed up. I know she thought of me. I know she wondered why I didn’t go to see her, but I still didn’t know why I lost all my courage to accept the fact that I’m about to say goodbye to my precious friend. It’s her 7th memorial and I still think she’s there where I left her for the last time. I still cry for hours sometimes when I think of her, as if she left this world yesterday. It was easy to be a coward when I was late to visit her, but hard to be strong when I think of her…

Sometimes we don’t read the signs; it would be so easy if we do. Other times we don’t follow our hunch no matter how much we believed it’s true. It’s the moment that we stand there in denial, ignoring the fact that we are about to lose someone we truly love. We keep on convincing ourselves that things are going to be fine, just to avoid watching them leave. Even though we miss saying goodbye, hoping that some day they will stay where we left them for the last time.

She was my close friend who left this world at a very early age. I was the friend who never followed her hunch and missed the chance to see her face forever.

 Jinan

August 15, 2010 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, friendship, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Nature, news, others, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words | 8 Comments

Let them go with a smile…


Life goes on and so do we, after the chances we miss, the risks we take and fail, the people who come our way just to hurt us and leave, it’s all good, even if they leave a scar, it would be all good if you just let them go with a smile from your heart…

Fear, this feeling that makes us feel weak, sometimes paralyzes us and won’t allow us to move forward, always backward…. We fear from flying or taking the risks but do we really fear from flying or the reality we are scared from falling down?  Any chance we miss, the hesitation crosses our mind, bad ideas flow towards our imagination, and one question is to ask: “Are we scared of taking those chances or  is the real fear about missing them? “.

Life goes on if we just let all what happens to us go with a smile, the smile won’t heal but it gives us hope to move forward, all the tears we cry endlessly, it hurts our eyes but also purifies our heart and soul. It gives us new look towards certain things or certain people we meet… Everything happens for a reason… The people who come to our path from nowhere, some come for a very short time and leave after they cause a huge heartache; and those who become a big part of our lives for years, they just let us down for no reason, life changes them; and those who swear nothing will set us apart, they would be the first to betray the friendship by being the first to push us down. We better let them all go with a smile, never regret knowing them.

How many times we ask why? But do we truly want to know the answers?? We worry about knowing the truth because sometimes behind every truth there is a mask that will fall down from a face we used to love … behind every word why? There is a truth that will be revealed, behind every question we ask why? The reality of those who we used to miss might show , a smile might fade away with those who promised to come back someday, but never did… Maybe it’s better to keep asking why? Without knowing the reason, though we keep wondering, but it’s better to let it go with a smile…

 God sends a lesson with every one of them to make us learn whom we should trust, and to whom we should really give other chances, and the what’s more that God teaches us through them, is the great lesson of “Forgiveness”. Never have hard feelings towards those who caused you heartaches. Forgive them, let them go with a smile from your heart, and have faith that God will send you the right people at the right time…

Life is full of surprises, not all of the them are happy ones, sometimes nature surprises us with crisis, but after that we stand up and fix the damages, we move forward, but again nature might surprise us with yet another crisis, a hurricane or another earth quake, millions of people lose their lives in those crisis, but it’s a test for other millions of people to accept what they lost and to start over… The question is: “How much do we have faith in God to thank him and be ready to let it go with a smile?” Every day is a new chance we take, a new risk we should be ready to make, we should accept if we missed those chances, or failed in the risks we took. In every day, a new person comes our way; we should expect that those people who we are meeting today came for a reason. Never regret what you face in your daily life, if we are wise enough, we should be ready to accept it all with an open heart…

Life goes on, and so do we… The chances we missed, the risks we were afraid to make, the people who came and left without a trace, only scars to remind us to never repeat the same mistakes again…. Life goes on… It would be all good if you just believed in God and let it go with a smile from your heart…

Jinan

June 13, 2010 Posted by | emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Nature, news, others, Past, Peace, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words | 15 Comments

Mount Lebanon


June 9, 2010 Posted by | Lebanon, Middle East, Nature, Photography, photos, Photos About My Country Lebanon, Weather | 10 Comments

Mount lebanon


February 17, 2010 Posted by | Lebanon, Middle East, Nature, Photography, Photos About My Country Lebanon | 8 Comments

الطائرة أثيوبيّة لكن الكارثة لبنانيّة


 

غادروا أرض الوطن أحياء فعادوا اليه  بعد دقائق ولكن …أشلاء.استيقظ اللبنانيون اليوم على كارثة ألمّت بالشعب اللبناني  ولكن هذه المرّة كارثة طبيعيّة اثر سقوط طائرة أثيوبيّة في المياه اللبنانيّة في الثانية والنصف من صباح الاثنين 1-25، تحمل عدداً كبيراً من الركاب اللبنانيين بالاضافة الى ركاب من جنسيات مختلفة أثيوبيّة وفرنسيّة وبريطانيّة وتركيّة ، لكن الحصّة الأكبر دائماً تكون من نصيب اللبنانيين. وكأن لعنة الموت لن تكُف عن ملاحقة هذا الشعب، فاذا لم يرحل ضحية  لعبة السياسة  والحروب يخطفه القدر بلمحة بصر حتى ان كان في الجو مسافرا بهدف تأمين لقمة عيشه…

حتى الساعة لا وجود لناجين فكل من تمّ انتشالهم من البحر هم جثث مشوهّة نتيجة لاحتراق الطائرة قبل سقوطها أو أشلاء طائفة على وجه المياه، فالبعض يرّجح بأن رداءة الطقس وراء سقوط الطائرة، والبعض الآخر شكك باحتمال عمل اراهبي ، ويبقى انتظارما سيكشفه التحقيق والعثور على الصندوق الأسود آملين بأن يكشف السبب الحقيقي وراء هذه الكارثة…

توجّه عدد كبير من النواب اللبنانيين الى مطار رفيق الحريري الدولي بالاضافة الى ذوي وأقارب ضحايا الطائرة المنكوبة، وأرسلت كلٌ من قبرص وفرنسا طائرات للمساعدة في انتشال الجثث بالاضافة الى مساعدة الأسطول البحري الأميركي وقوى اليونفيل العاملة في لبنان وطبعاً  بالتعاون مع الجيش اللبناني والدفاع المدني وفرق من الغطّاسين..

تعبنا من الموت ولكن على ما يبدو لم يتعب الموت منّا، وكما قال الصحافي الكبير راجح الخوري في برنامج نهاركم سعيد على محطّة ال LBC،  بأن الحياة طافحة بالموت وانهُ لصباح حزين لا يحتملّه الوجدان اللبناني لكثرة ما مرّ عليه من مآسٍ..أوافقه الرأي انهُ لصباح حزين ولا نحتمله نحن كلبنانيون، تسمّرنا أمام الشاشات لمتابعة عمليات الانقاذ في جو عاصف، البحر ثائرٌ وكأنهُ سعيدٌ لابتلاعه عددا كبيرا من الجثث…ضحايا لا تزال مفقودة لا أثر لها وأخرى طافت على وجه المياه الباردة…أناس يخاطرون بحياتهم لانتشال الجثث غير آبهين لحال الطقس الرديء دول هرعت الى لبنان للمساعدة، حتى السياسيين وحّدتهم الكارثة التي حلّت بالشعب اللبناني…

انهُ مشهدٌ انساني بامتياز ولكن…ماذا بعد هدوء العاصفة وانتشال ما ابتلعهُ البحر من جثث؟؟؟ ماذا سيجري حين يمضي  على هذه الكارثة أيام وتُشرق الشمس من جديد ويهدأ البحر الثائر؟؟

سيعود نوابنا الى المجلس ليثورون على بعضهم البعض, وتعود الخلافات بينهم لتزيد ويعود الشعب الذي كتب له الله عمراً جديداً ولم يستقل هذه الطائرة ليرحل ضحية كارثة سياسيّة فتبتلعه مطامع السياسيين ….هل سيتّخذ سياسيوا لبنان من هذه الكارثة التي ألمّت بلبنان اليوم عبرة؟ هل ستدركون بأن لا بأس ان تتنازلوا عن كرسي أو قرار يخدم مصالح هذا الشعب ؟ أي متى ستدركون بأن كل ما تتقاتلون لأجله وتقتلون لأجله زائل ؟ فالموت لا يميّز بين دين وآخر أو بين منصب وآخر، الموت لا يميّز بين لبناني وأثيوبي أو بين تركي وفرنسي، للموت وجه واحد وثمن واحد ، غال جدا يملكه الفقير والغني وهو الروح…فأي متى ستدركون ذلك أيها السياسيّون؟

تعب هذا الشعب مصائب لكن المصائب  لم تتعب منه، وشبع من الموت لكن الموت لم يشبع منه فلاحقه من وطنه لينال منه في سمائه وليعيده الى أرض الوطن  مجددا لكن …أشلاء متناثرة في مياهه .

صباح أقلّ ما يقال عنه بأنه موجع، فذاكراتنا طافحة بصور الموت  فكم سنحتمل بعد… حتى لقمة العيش التي يريد اللبناني تأمينها بكرامة بعيدا عن تقبيل الأيدي في وطنه امتزجت بالدماء…

فكم من كارثة  يجب أن تحلّ بالشعب اللبناني بعد  لتستشعرون يا حضرة السياسيون؟؟  

                     جنان زيدان

 

January 26, 2010 Posted by | Arabic, Beirut, Death, Ethiopia, Lebanon, Life, Middle East, Nature, news, Politics, Weather | 2 Comments