Jinan Zeidan's Blog

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Behind The Fire Lines

Behind the fire lines

Are nothing but prayers that cover her fears

But it can’t prevent her tears from falling and drawing hundreds of questions

With the painful one: where is he now?

She knows God is always there for all the people who are fighting for their right

To get their freedom back..

But things get complicated and the image is foggy when blood covers the land

All she hears is people screaming and hearts deeply bleeding

Behind the fire line he’s standing there

Who knows what’s going on?

There, is it a safe place? Or is he not okay?

Thoughts are the big enemy too when they takes us to imagine an anonymous bloody place

Where people went asking for peace and suddenly haters cut them into pieces on the streets

She’s fighting the evil thoughts by praying and trusting God that He will take care of him…

She sleeps every night wishing to see him in her dreams

A dream can heal for once even if reality will slap her on the face

When she wakes up

But at least it will stop the tears for a while ..

Behind the fire lines her heart is burning there trying to search for his face

And her soul is aching while waiting for his return …


July 6, 2013 Posted by | Accidents, Death, Egypt, emotions, fear, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Middle East, news, others, Overseas, Parents, Peace, Politics, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, silence, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, Trust, Violence, Wars, Words, youth | 2 Comments

The Release Of My First Book

Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:


December 22, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Grandfather, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, Nature, news, others, outsiders, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Politics, Poverty, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Technology, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words, youth | 3 Comments

Behind Closing Doors

Have you ever looked deeply in their eyes? There is a hidden message, have you ever read it? Through their silence, did you try to hear their unspoken words? They were screaming for help, have you ever heard them? When they take away their own life, you judge them as bad people or even unstable ones, but who knows what they have been through to reach that level of depression that pushed them to commit suicide? Behind closing doors we never know what’s going on in other’s lives.

People face a tremendous number of troubles, a few prefer to consult a psychologist, and some think that it’s a personal issue no one should interfere with. In the other hand they drown in the troubles. They keep on increasing until they lose control of themselves; they pay the price or the people who are close to them pay the price. Sometimes, the problem may be a very simple one, but it depends on the age of the person. When a 10 year old boy/girl faces a situation of bullying in school, at the same time he/she might have family problems and no one is there to listen to them. That for sure would affect their life, especially with the insecurity they are facing in their home. They would be having difficulties in their study, and also lack of self-esteem. They would think that they are not welcome in this life, instead of having good time in school to forget their problems at home, they are being scared to go there watching everyone destroying them. And when they go back home after school, instead of having a loving family who can help them, they are having a hard time with their parents. For them it is as if they are moving from hell to hell. When those children commit suicide, then everyone would wake up, and start searching for the reasons that lead that child to take away his/her life. They start wondering and recalling how they were always calm; they were polite and never talked in a loud voice. They were obeying, never hurt anyone. At home their parents go to check if there are any obstacles that their child was facing in school, and there they know what was going on with their child, but after what? After they lost them. Where were they when their child was coming back from school with teary eyes? Where were they when they called him/her for lunch and said they prefer to stay in their room? Where were they when their child woke up crying and feeling scared not knowing what to do. They never think of their child until after they lose them. They then remember that they should go and ask about what was happening with their child. This is what I call selfish. When parents want to be selfish, why would they get married? When they don’t want to protect their children with their eyes, why would they have children? If they are immature to solve their troubles with wisdom, why would they involve other lives in theirs?

 We don’t expect a 10 year old child or even 15 years old teen to get what’s going on around them. When it’s too much to handle, especially at this age , they need caring people to keep on watching over them and guiding them to the right track, because even if they passed that phase in their life, they might drown later when they get older. They would be involved in other issues, like: drugs, violence, stealing etc.. If they opened their eyes watching their dad violent with their mom, they would do the same when they get married, and they would consider their actions right, because their dad is their idle. We never know what’s going on behind closing doors. Families face battles, and the silence that covers up, we would explore suddenly with hearing shocking news, and our first thought is: “They looked like a very happy family, what happened to them?” But the truth is, they’ve never been a happy family, their home’s doors were closing all the time, and we never know what was going on there. However, some people love to judge others; it’s in their nature. They never look at the reasons that led to that person to take way his/her life; they always focus on the result.

A little accident happened with me lately. Someone knocked on our door, I opened up and I saw an old man in his early 60’s. He seemed lost, something in his eyes made me wonder at the same moment what’s with that man. He asked me about my dad, I replied that dad is not home. I was about to ask him if he would like to leave a message to dad, he left me talking to myself and turned his back and left. My mom came at that moment and saw me and the expression on my face because of how he left. She asked me: “Who’s that? And what does he want?” I was really shocked and said, “What’s going on with that man? He just left me talking to myself without saying a word of thanks. I was kind of not satisfied about what he did, especially that I was very polite with him. My mother smiled for what happened with me, but in someway, that man stuck on my head. I kept thinking of what was wrong with him, he seemed very lost, his eyes were really teary. I felt something wrong with him and that’s why he was on my mind until a few days ago, I heard that he committed suicide. I was shocked, and recalled the moment I opened the door and saw him standing there lost, as if he’s searching for something. I knew the reason why he left me talking to myself without even saying “Thank you” or if as he’ll come again later. I recognized how much he was not there even when he was there asking about my dad. He wasn’t focusing on what he’s doing or with whom he’s talking. Later on, I knew from others who knew that man that he has tremendous troubles in his family and with his son. I wish I never saw him. I keep wondering why did he give up at this age? He must have been in a very difficult situation through his life, but why would he give up now? He’s supposed to be stronger and wiser to deal with his problems. But then again, I’m not in his shoes to know what was going on with that old man. I keep recalling his teary eyes and wish I could help him. I never knew that people at this age might take away their life too. Now I know more than ever, that no matter how strong the person might be, no matter how happy the person might look, in one moment he might be the weakest, and in one moment he might collapse and break down. 

Never bully a person, you should be thinking that you may be pushing them to end their lives. Never ignore the tears you see in other’s eyes, with one question you ask: “Are you okay? Can I help you?” you may be saving his life by knowing that there is someone ready to open his arms and hold them and stand by them. Always try to make those who feel insecure, feel security. Find a way and show them love and care, you may be helping them to live longer.

Behind closing doors, there is a hidden secret; you can’t break those doors to find the truth. But at least, never judge in a bad way on those who take away their life, or even on those who try to and fail. Ask yourself why didn’t you wipe their tears at least once? Why didn’t you hear them screaming instead of closing your ears? Why didn’t you think to solve their problems when they kept silent? It’s true that their home’s door was closed and you couldn’t do anything to help, but why didn’t you ever take the chance to get close to them when they opened the door and left their home, instead of judging them?


November 28, 2010 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, news, others, outsiders, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Violence, Words, youth | 6 Comments

Her 7th Memorial

I thought she was still overseas, but not after a mutual friend asked me if I saw her lately, because that mutual friend heard that my best friend can’t walk anymore. “ What are you talking about?” I asked her with shock and then suddenly the room was spinning. “Yes,” she continued, “She came back from the Emirates weeks ago but I couldn’t see her yet. I heard she’s now paralyzed.” I was with my brother back then and I asked him to take me to see my friend immediately. On our way to her place, I was trembling, and thinking how could I see her sitting on a wheel chair? Do I have the guts? I wasn’t sure I had it in me back then; all I wanted to do is to make sure my close friend is fine. I felt as if a part of me started to get paralyzed too.

We arrived; my brother said he’ll wait for me in the car. With hesitation, I walked towards the stairs, and I wished if I could run away from that place. I wanted to see my friend but I couldn’t stand the idea to see her in pain. My love and worry for her was pulling me to see her. With every step I took my fear for her was increasing; I knew how weak I was, and how my love for her is deep. I reached the door, and didn’t want anything to change, so I knocked on the door and pushed it open as I used to do. I walked in calling out her name. Her parents were in the kitchen, a wide smile appeared across each of their faces when they saw me. I directly asked them where she was. Her mother said “Here she is” pointing at the kitchen door. I turned back and my heart sank; she wasn’t paralyzed as my friend had heard, but she wasn’t the same person I knew.

She was pale, walking slowly, not sure of her steps and trying to maintain her balance by placing her arms ahead of her.  Her eyes were almost closed; she was putting an effort to open them. With a soft voice she asked: “I’m hearing a voice, who is there?” And she recognized me right away, without me even saying a word. She smiled her usual smile and said: “Jinan, I can’t believe you are here”. I gave her a big hug and wished my hug could return my friend back to me. I felt her soul, her pure heart, but her shape was not the same. She lost a lot of weight, her eyes kept on blinking more than usual, and she kept on looking above as if something was pulling her head up. She led me to the sitting room. I turned to her mother and whispered “What’s wrong with her?”  Her mother replied: “Something in her stomach, we don’t know yet, she has an appointment with the doctor this week, hopefully we will know”. We sat in the sitting room, but I had to tell her that I’m coming for five minutes to check on her. She insisted that I stay for lunch but I couldn’t accept her invitation. I watched her moves, her hands that kept on shivering. I was praying that she will be fine soon. She didn’t let me go before I gave her a promise to come back for a long visit next time. When it was time to leave, she asked me about my brother, and she said: “I want to walk with you to the car to see him”, at that moment I felt scared. I had a hunch, that she was going to the car to say bye to my brother and I for the last time, I hoped back then that hunch wasn’t true. I supported her all the way to the car. Even my brother was surprised after he saw her and how she changed.

I got in the car and noticed she’s facing difficulties by going up the stairs. “Let me help you”, I said. “No, I can do it”, she replied. I insisted after I saw her supporting herself on the wall, but she said she‘s fine. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I felt there is a part of me that wanted to help, my eyes that were willed to support her was all I could do. While I was watching her fading away, I told my brother that I’m so worried about her. Deep inside of me, I felt she’s going to leave this world soon, but I didn’t want to believe it.

After my short visit to her place, a few days passed and I called my friend to talk to her but they told me she was hospitalized for some tests and she will be back home after days. I waited for days, but she never got out of the hospital. They said she has a disease in her head and they don’t know what it was yet. They said she’s in real danger. 

I wasn’t sure I had the courage to go to the hospital to visit her. I wanted to go to her place and see her in good health, not lying in bed, can’t survive to even talk. I decided to wait until she came back home to see her, and was asking all people who were visiting her how she was. But the news wasn’t good enough. She couldn’t talk, or hear and they said she couldn’t see too. Then they told me she went into a coma.

It was a Saturday afternoon when I received the news. They said that she had died. I was going to see her on Tuesday but she was gone. I was trying to convince myself all the time that she will be home soon; it was the fear of watching her leaving so soon that made me believe I’ll see her in good health again. I remember that I didn’t say a word the moment I knew she died. I stood on the balcony, in deep silence. The tears were shedding from my eyes as I was staring on without blinking. I stayed for hours like that; I couldn’t scream or cry out using a loud voice. I was paralyzed and I knew the meaning of being paralyzed back then.  All I was seeing was her face when I visited her for the last time, the way she was telling me that she passed her exams. She was overwhelmed even though she was in pain.  I don’t know who to blame, did I disappoint her? Or did she disappoint me? Or is it neither of us to blame? It was fate. God’s will was to take her at that early age.

The next day, my parents went to her funeral, but I didn’t. I couldn’t stand it; to see her lying there without any movement. I admit I was a coward for not accepting the fact that she‘s going to leave forever. I felt my heart was about to stop beating that day, it was too much pain. I’ve never lost anyone in my family or any close friends, but that day I felt I lost my whole world.

This year is her 7th memorial, I still think of her where I left her for the last time at her place, down stairs. I still expect to see her there if I went again to see her parents. But I never went there. I remember I passed once by her village but all the while my knees were shivering and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know how lucky I was to have a wonderful friend until I met her, I never knew how weak I was until I lost her.

I miss her every day; I miss how she used to walk a long distance to visit me every time she came to see her grandparents. I still remember her shiny face when I open the door saying with a lovely smile: “See? Even Though I don’t like walking but I walked all this distance just to see you”. I used to feel so happy back then. After her death, hearing a knock on the door made me run to open the door expecting her standing there, and it took me a long time before I got over that feeling. I still think of my friend standing where I left her, the last thing I did, is asking her to be careful while going up the stairs, the last thing I heard from her, is: “Don’t worry I’m fine” I wanted to get out of the car and help her back then. I felt maybe it could be hard on her because helping her might have made her feel powerless. That was the main reason why I agreed to let her walk by herself.  Now I regret it; I wish I went and helped her just to gain a few extra minutes with her.

I promised her to be back again, but I never did. While I kept on praying for her, hoping to see her in good health, she was dying. After I had the guts to see her, I was waiting to visit her in the hospital, but she didn’t wait. Maybe she waited days for me, but I never showed up. I know she thought of me. I know she wondered why I didn’t go to see her, but I still didn’t know why I lost all my courage to accept the fact that I’m about to say goodbye to my precious friend. It’s her 7th memorial and I still think she’s there where I left her for the last time. I still cry for hours sometimes when I think of her, as if she left this world yesterday. It was easy to be a coward when I was late to visit her, but hard to be strong when I think of her…

Sometimes we don’t read the signs; it would be so easy if we do. Other times we don’t follow our hunch no matter how much we believed it’s true. It’s the moment that we stand there in denial, ignoring the fact that we are about to lose someone we truly love. We keep on convincing ourselves that things are going to be fine, just to avoid watching them leave. Even though we miss saying goodbye, hoping that some day they will stay where we left them for the last time.

She was my close friend who left this world at a very early age. I was the friend who never followed her hunch and missed the chance to see her face forever.


August 15, 2010 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, friendship, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Nature, news, others, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words | 8 Comments

The Last Promise

He entered the ER screaming “Where is the patient?” She was lying there on the bed not making a move. Her parents were surrounding her, crying and praying to God to save their daughter. And the Doctor, who looked like he was around 45 years old, just entered the room, and was a stranger to her, but also an angel who was sent by God to save other’s lives. The moment she saw him, she was moved by the way he cares, as if she’s his daughter. The car accident she had gone through threatened her life, and her liver was about to be affected. That doctor handled her situation and wanted to do his best to save her life. She was scared to face death, her eyes were moving from side to side, most of the times begging him to rescue her. She pictured her life moving fast, the happiest moments, and the saddest ones too. Her friend’s faces were all in front of her, their voices, the laughter they shared; it was all there, making her eyes wet. The only voice she could hear clearly was her doctor’s voice, and the only person who was moving like crazy in the room was him. As if life stopped in that room, but no one knew if he will leave her as dead body after failing to heal her wounds, or if she will leave alive and move on in her life.

“Book me a room immediately, even if you need to add another bed in small room” that was his reply after the nurse came to tell him that there is no place for his patient in the hospital. The girl was still lying there in pain, her tears shedding down on her cheeks, she thought the end is near, but with a tender touch he tapped on her shoulders trying reassure that he will find her a place in this hospital and she will be saved.

After a short time, she was in her room. She wished she can leave it, she couldn’t stand the voices that were coming from the other patient’s room; she felt that life is so easy to come into, but so painful when it’s time to leave with suffering. The days were passing by with progress with her situation; she started to feel better, the only thing she was worried about now, is the result of her blood test that she had to do, to make sure her liver is working normally. Her face was aching her; the wounds that were caused by the car accident were healing but leaving little scars like scratches. The only person who was always giving her the power was that doctor who promised to save her life.

After being hospitalized for 8 days, they took her every morning for her usual blood test, but that day wasn’t like the normal days where her doctor used to check her and tell her everything is moving slowly but in a good way, instead, he entered the room with his crew, the same craziness she saw in him the first day she entered the ER, was back to his personality. His eyes were wet that day, he was making calls and asking for medicine that they should bring in from a specialized hospital for liver, he was mad and sad at the same time. It was the first time he didn’t give her hope, as if he didn’t want to promise her something that he knew he couldn’t keep; she felt he was about to give up. She asked one of the nurses: “What’s going on?” the nurse replied back: “It’s your liver that’s in real danger. The test showed that today, and he’s trying to handle the situation.” Again she felt this is the end, she knew the weakness she felt the day before but never expected it might be her liver again. “Doctor, what’s going on?” she asked after he hung up the phone, he replied: “Don’t worry it’s nothing dangerous, it’s just a medicine we should get that we don’t have here, you will be fine girl, I promise you.” With his shining smile, came near her bed and whispered in her ear: “You will live, don’t be scared.”

After hours, although she started taking her medicine, she kept feeling weak for yet another day, but after that, her liver was back to normal. The blood tests were improving, she was healing slowly, and the person who she called her hero, was always there to check on her. He never forgot to reassure her that she will go back to being in good health soon. A feeling grows inside of her towards that doctor, why did he care that much? She wondered. Even the nurses were telling her that he’s a very caring doctor, but it was the first time they saw him treating a patient in that way. His fear towards her made her wait for him daily to knock on her room’s door to hear the good morning words from him, with that smile that used to make her feel better because it was a sign that she’s improving.

 The day of her departure came, she was so happy to leave after spending nearly one month in the hospital. Her doctor was there to say goodbye. He was standing in the hallway, and he walked towards her saying: “I don’t want to see your face here again, just get out of here” she smiled, the same hand that used to tap on her shoulders, tapped again. He bent a little and kissed her on both cheeks, with wet eyes he said: “You made me scared to death, I promised you, you will live, and I gave my word. You will get married and have kids, and move forward in your life”. She felt her heart aching and softly she replied: “I promise you I will, but you have to give me a last promise, that you will be there in my wedding after I find the right guy” He caught her hand and squeezed it saying: “I promise you I will be there”.

Years go by; she lost contact with her doctor. But she was always thinking of him, how God sent her that angel who truly left a deep impact in her heart. She used to think that the day she will get married is the day she will see him again; she was waiting for that day. She met the right guy and after a year, she was going to have her wedding. She went to that hospital asking for him, but one of the nurses she used to see back then, saw her and was happy too to see her after all these years in good health. After she asked her what’s behind her visit, the nurse’s face changed and the sadness came over her face. She said: “He died 3 months ago with cancer”. “NO!!” she screamed, and started crying. The nurse tried to calm her down, but she kept screaming saying “He promised me that he will be there on my wedding day”.

Nothing to say or to do, while she was leaving the hospital she passed by the room she stayed in the whole time she was hospitalized. She saw another doctor checking on a patient, he was different from her doctor, no worry to show to his patient, no smile appears on his face to assure that the patient will be fine. She recalled the moment she entered the ER, and the fear she saw in his eyes, the way he was screaming at his crew to move faster. She recalled that when he entered her room when her liver situation was going backward, his voice was playing in her ears when he used to assure her that she will live longer and she will be out of this place soon. Her eyes never stopped shedding tears; she wished if he’s standing there instead of this doctor, to tap on his shoulder and tell him that she came to invite him to her wedding. A soft voice awoke her from her illusion; it was the same nurse who told her the bad news. She asked her if she needs any help, she replied back that she will be fine, and added: “I have one question, since when did he have that disease?” the nurse replied: “One week before the first day that you came the hospital, 5 years ago. Without any word, she left the hospital, thinking of the person who saved her life, while his life was in danger, thinking why he promised her that he will be there, though he knew that there was little chance that he might come. The doctor who saved her life, no one could save him. He gave her the promises to rescue her, but no one could rescue him. He kept smiling every time he used to enter her room, but silently he was crying for sure. He used to tap on her shoulder to assure her that everything is going to be fine; at the same time he was in need of someone to tap on his shoulder to tell him everything will be fine. How many lives has he saved while his life needed to be saved? She wondered, and why he gave her all this care and attention that she has never seen any doctor give it to his patient?

At her wedding day, she was standing there with her groom, everybody was happy; people were dancing, and laughing. But she kept her eyes on the entrance, watching the guests coming in. She kept staring there, as if she’s expecting him to come; she recalled his voice again saying: “You made me scared to death, I promised you, you will live, and I gave you my word. You will get married and have kids, and move forward in your life” Her eyes drowned in tears, she remembered herself asking him to give her the last promise and be there at her wedding day, his voice again played in her ears saying: “I will be there”. She wished that she kept in contact with him, after she left the hospital; she wished that she knew he had that disease back then. She wanted so badly to meet her hero again; she was expecting him to tap on her shoulder at that moment and say “Sorry I’m late”, but he never did. She wished that he could have kept his word and came, but this time she promised him and gave him her word and she lived until she got married, but he left early. Maybe he forgot his last promise that he gave to her, maybe his pain was too strong to stand it, and couldn’t think of anything. She cried on her wedding day, for not being there with the person who saved her life.

She felt her heart aching not seeing him and not knowing about his disease to be there even to tap on his shoulder to assure him that everything is going to be fine. She never wanted him to promise her to save her life; she never wanted him to tap on her shoulder and tell her everything is going to be fine. She never wanted to see the fear in his eyes when he saw her lying between life and death. She never wanted to see him going crazy when her liver situation was in danger and they were about to lose her. All that she wanted is to know about his disease before he died, and let him be there in her wedding day. But that was the last and only promise that was never fulfilled.


August 4, 2010 Posted by | Accidents, Death, emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, friendship, Life, Love, Memories, news, others, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words | 10 Comments

The child who touched my heart

Four years old, he was sitting on the floor playing with his toys when I entered with my friend. We were visiting his mother. I don’t know her; I was just there because my friend asked me to accompany her. Looking at me with an innocent smile, never a word towards me from the minute I entered; it seemed to me that he was used to my friend’s presence. I was watching him, he didn’t move from his place. I never got any vibe that he might have any problem. Maybe I noticed he couldn’t talk, but then I thought that maybe he’s still too young to talk yet or maybe just too shy. There I was, a stranger in his house, yet he was smiling all the time, as if he wanted to come to sit on my lap, but it was as if something was preventing him from doing so. My friend asked him to go to her, but then I found out what I never expected to find. He was crawling to reach her. For a moment, I froze, watching him crawl, looking at the smile that never left his face, and trying to figure out what’s wrong with him. He looks healthy, but a four year old, not being able to walk? That seemed odd to me. So I asked his mom what’s wrong and she said, “He had a problem in his head since he was born and he had surgery months ago.” When I asked her if he will stay like that for the rest of his life, she said: “He is undergoing therapy; he might or might not get better.”

I felt as if someone moved me to another world so different from mine, where I felt a tragedy consuming an innocent heart, and the happiness not there long enough to leave even a footprint. His smile that he kept showing, it was that effort that kept him afloat from drowning through his life’s tragedy.

After the hard effort he made, he reached out to my friend and kept pointing at me. My friend held him and handed him to me. Having him on my lap was another feeling; he was talking words I never heard but I felt them so deep. Those words made me cry silently, yet I felt my tears shedding down on my face when I knew that his words meant that he wanted to leave the house with me. I was asking him questions and smiling but I couldn’t hide my tears; it was the first time that a child made me cry and touched my heart so deeply. I don’t remember what I was saying but all what I was trying to do is to avoid my friend and the child’s mother from seeing my tears falling. Maybe I didn’t want his mother to feel bad about her son or maybe I didn’t want to show the hidden side of my personality, the side that I always try to keep hidden.

I thought I’m a strong human being but I was surprised how in less than a minute God showed me that I’m the weakest. And showed me  how blessed I am  just because i’m able to walk . I thought I’m the happiest but in less than an hour God showed me that he can make me the saddest and the happiness can fade away in one second.

I kept holding the child and I felt as If something was binding me to him. I felt it even stronger when it was time to leave. His eyes were begging me to stay as if he’s a prisoner but it wasn’t jail. His hands were holding my hands tightly as if I’m the only one who will save him from his unlimited suffering. But I couldn’t do anything to help; it was the weakest moment I ever felt in my whole life. I knew how weak we are in front of God’s will,  no matter how much we have faith in God, we feel it’s so little when we stand up crippled in front of  the fate he draws us to.

He held my hand and in his other hand he was holding his little pillow. I remember his mother’s answer after I asked her about it; she used to put it on his head to protect the injured area after his surgery. In the middle of the night, he wakes up to hold it as if it’s the only friend he has.

On my way back home, I didn’t stop asking my friend questions about his situation; my heart was torn. The image of his little face kept coming back to me, his helpless words, and his voice that kept playing in my ears. He was just a four year old child who I saw for the first time, who crawled towards me with a hopeless smile, asking me for something. However, I still don’t know what it was… All I knew was that he touched my heart. I realized how weak I am and the tears keep shedding down my face with every time I remember that child’s face…


July 22, 2010 Posted by | Canada, childhood, emotions, English, fear, friendship, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, news, others, Peace, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Words | 15 Comments

Let them go with a smile…

Life goes on and so do we, after the chances we miss, the risks we take and fail, the people who come our way just to hurt us and leave, it’s all good, even if they leave a scar, it would be all good if you just let them go with a smile from your heart…

Fear, this feeling that makes us feel weak, sometimes paralyzes us and won’t allow us to move forward, always backward…. We fear from flying or taking the risks but do we really fear from flying or the reality we are scared from falling down?  Any chance we miss, the hesitation crosses our mind, bad ideas flow towards our imagination, and one question is to ask: “Are we scared of taking those chances or  is the real fear about missing them? “.

Life goes on if we just let all what happens to us go with a smile, the smile won’t heal but it gives us hope to move forward, all the tears we cry endlessly, it hurts our eyes but also purifies our heart and soul. It gives us new look towards certain things or certain people we meet… Everything happens for a reason… The people who come to our path from nowhere, some come for a very short time and leave after they cause a huge heartache; and those who become a big part of our lives for years, they just let us down for no reason, life changes them; and those who swear nothing will set us apart, they would be the first to betray the friendship by being the first to push us down. We better let them all go with a smile, never regret knowing them.

How many times we ask why? But do we truly want to know the answers?? We worry about knowing the truth because sometimes behind every truth there is a mask that will fall down from a face we used to love … behind every word why? There is a truth that will be revealed, behind every question we ask why? The reality of those who we used to miss might show , a smile might fade away with those who promised to come back someday, but never did… Maybe it’s better to keep asking why? Without knowing the reason, though we keep wondering, but it’s better to let it go with a smile…

 God sends a lesson with every one of them to make us learn whom we should trust, and to whom we should really give other chances, and the what’s more that God teaches us through them, is the great lesson of “Forgiveness”. Never have hard feelings towards those who caused you heartaches. Forgive them, let them go with a smile from your heart, and have faith that God will send you the right people at the right time…

Life is full of surprises, not all of the them are happy ones, sometimes nature surprises us with crisis, but after that we stand up and fix the damages, we move forward, but again nature might surprise us with yet another crisis, a hurricane or another earth quake, millions of people lose their lives in those crisis, but it’s a test for other millions of people to accept what they lost and to start over… The question is: “How much do we have faith in God to thank him and be ready to let it go with a smile?” Every day is a new chance we take, a new risk we should be ready to make, we should accept if we missed those chances, or failed in the risks we took. In every day, a new person comes our way; we should expect that those people who we are meeting today came for a reason. Never regret what you face in your daily life, if we are wise enough, we should be ready to accept it all with an open heart…

Life goes on, and so do we… The chances we missed, the risks we were afraid to make, the people who came and left without a trace, only scars to remind us to never repeat the same mistakes again…. Life goes on… It would be all good if you just believed in God and let it go with a smile from your heart…


June 13, 2010 Posted by | emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Nature, news, others, Past, Peace, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words | 15 Comments

وطنيّون ولكن…

وطنيون نعم، ولكن… فاسدون أيضاً، هذه حقيقة معظم حكام لبنان. فسرقة المواطن لم تعد من أولوياتهم فقد حصلوا ويحصلون على أموال الشعب، ولكن الآن أتى ما هو اعظم وسيترحّم المواطن اللبناني على سرقة أمواله، سيترحّم المواطن اللبناني غلى الوعود الزائفة التي اعتاد أن يسمعها من المسؤولين سيترحم المواطن اللبناني على كل ذلك لأن الكارثة أصبحت تطال الامن الاجتماعي والصحي على حدٍ سواء..

أدوية فاسدة مستوردة من باكستان، تليها باخرة قمح فاسدة مليئة بالحشرات مستوردة من أوكرانيا. والسؤال:” تم توقيف الباخرتين ولكن كم من باخرة مرّت مرور الكرام ودخلت الأراضي اللبنانيّة؟ أستطيع أن أجيب عن هذا السؤال وسأقول:” بقدرما يملك معظم المسؤولين والحكام ضمير ومسؤولية وصدق اتجاه هذا الشعب.”  مما يعني لقد مرّ على مرّ السنين مئات لا بل ألآلاف البضائع الفاسدة ولم يُحرّك أحداً ساكناً….

131صندوقاً من الأدوية المزورّة يحاولون تمريرها الى الأراضي اللبنانيّة، لكي تدخل الصيدليات وتزيد المريض علّة وألم ، أين ضمائركم أيها الفاسدون…؟  ألا ترون ما يمرّ به المواطن اللبناني من أزمات مالية وبأية طريقة يحصل فيها على المال؟ فمقابل تأمين دواء واحد لاحد أفراد عائلته لا يستطيع تأمين غداء لهم بالمقابل، فكيف اذا ما كان الدواء مزوّر وكل آمال المريض معلًقة على هذا الدواء ليخفف من آلامه . بأي حق تتحول حياة المواطن الى صفقة، وبأي حق بدل أن تسهروا على راحته تنامون انتم وحياته مهددة بسببكم…

بعد الباخرة المحمّلة بالأدوية تلتها باخرةالقمح التي كان من المقررتمريرها كبضاعة صالحة ولكن بعد الكشف عليها وفضح ما تحويه حاولوا تمريرها على أنها بضاعة للعلف، ومجددأ أعود لأسأل” كم من سفينة كانت تحمل القمح الفاسد ودخلت دون أن يعلم بأمرها أحد على مر السنوات الماضية؟ وأعود لاُجيب عن هذا السؤال:” بقدر ما نصب على المواطنون بعض الحكام وبعدد المرات التي باعوا فيها كرامتهم لاذلال شعبهم….

الفساد… بيع الكرامات… السرقة… التزوير…تجارة المخدرات…وأكثر، كل هذا يزداد يوماً بعد يوم، والسبب هو المسؤولون عن هذا الوطن، الفساد يزداد يوماً بعد يوم  والسبب الاستهتار بالأمن الاجتماعي والصحي، الاستهتار بشعب بأكمله …. ألوم معظم المسؤولين وليس جميعهم، فالبعض وطنيون يسهرون على الوطن وعلى أمنه ويحاولون جاهدين حماية المواطنين، ولكن في مكان ما يقفون في الوسط حائرين والسبب عندما يتواجدون على طاولة واحدة مع مسؤولون وطنيون أيضاً ولكن … فاسدون!

جنان زيدان

April 17, 2010 Posted by | Arabic, Beirut, Death, Human Rights, Lebanon, Life, Middle East, news, Politics, Poverty, Speak, Thought | 3 Comments

It’s Just A thought..Only A thought…

I always think about peace in my country, about getting over the blood and the bombs that killed hundreds of people, I say what if we live at last in peace… But I realized…It’s just a thought, only a thought…

I always think, about how this world is a mess, I think about poor people who live in poverty and suffer from illnesses. I wish some people could help them instead of spreading the violence in their countries. I wish some countries  could give them the  cure instead of spreading the disease… But I realized… it’s just a thought, only a thought…

 I always think, about  the scientists who discover new inventions every day,  to ease other people’s daily lives, but the more they are creating easier and faster inventions, the more the lives of other people are rushing and loosing the sense of humanity… it’s as if they are in a very tiny village, but away from each other like earth and space…I wish if people could still have some of their traditions, and have  control on their behavior,  But I realized….It’s just a thought, only a thought….

I think about people who lives in the 1st world are as if they are in the 3rd world, and vice versa. I just hope they stop saying 1st world, 2nd and 3rd world, because the whole world is a combination of these three worlds…  The poverty that is existing in the 3rd world is the same and sometimes worse in some countries  in the 1st world….I wish if they just look at people from all the countries as human beings without looking at their background or from where they are coming, because it‘s not about the country, it’s about the human being…But I realized..It’s just a thought, only a thought….

I always think…What if some day, we switch on the TV, without watching a funeral of a martyr, without watching the mothers passing out.

In Iraq, soldiers are getting killed of  all nationalities: US, Canadian, British, and many others. Their families are living the grief; they leave their own countries to die in other countries. Arabian soldiers, also die. They all die in the same countries, for the same reason, fighting terrorism… I wish if we could know who the real terrorist is. Maybe I know, but I wish, if they know… And I realized… it’s just a thought… only a thought

 I think, but I guess I will stop thinking. I will start to pray, that someday, all these thoughts become facts, so that we can reduce the pain in this world, so that people get a chance to live in peace, and those who trade human organs, get some respect from humanity… I will stop thinking; I will start to pray that someday my wishes become true and not just stays as …Only a thought…


February 10, 2010 Posted by | British, Death, English, Human Rights, Iraq, Lebanon, Life, Middle East, news, Peace, Politics, Poverty, Thought, USA, Violence, Wars | 6 Comments

الطائرة أثيوبيّة لكن الكارثة لبنانيّة


غادروا أرض الوطن أحياء فعادوا اليه  بعد دقائق ولكن …أشلاء.استيقظ اللبنانيون اليوم على كارثة ألمّت بالشعب اللبناني  ولكن هذه المرّة كارثة طبيعيّة اثر سقوط طائرة أثيوبيّة في المياه اللبنانيّة في الثانية والنصف من صباح الاثنين 1-25، تحمل عدداً كبيراً من الركاب اللبنانيين بالاضافة الى ركاب من جنسيات مختلفة أثيوبيّة وفرنسيّة وبريطانيّة وتركيّة ، لكن الحصّة الأكبر دائماً تكون من نصيب اللبنانيين. وكأن لعنة الموت لن تكُف عن ملاحقة هذا الشعب، فاذا لم يرحل ضحية  لعبة السياسة  والحروب يخطفه القدر بلمحة بصر حتى ان كان في الجو مسافرا بهدف تأمين لقمة عيشه…

حتى الساعة لا وجود لناجين فكل من تمّ انتشالهم من البحر هم جثث مشوهّة نتيجة لاحتراق الطائرة قبل سقوطها أو أشلاء طائفة على وجه المياه، فالبعض يرّجح بأن رداءة الطقس وراء سقوط الطائرة، والبعض الآخر شكك باحتمال عمل اراهبي ، ويبقى انتظارما سيكشفه التحقيق والعثور على الصندوق الأسود آملين بأن يكشف السبب الحقيقي وراء هذه الكارثة…

توجّه عدد كبير من النواب اللبنانيين الى مطار رفيق الحريري الدولي بالاضافة الى ذوي وأقارب ضحايا الطائرة المنكوبة، وأرسلت كلٌ من قبرص وفرنسا طائرات للمساعدة في انتشال الجثث بالاضافة الى مساعدة الأسطول البحري الأميركي وقوى اليونفيل العاملة في لبنان وطبعاً  بالتعاون مع الجيش اللبناني والدفاع المدني وفرق من الغطّاسين..

تعبنا من الموت ولكن على ما يبدو لم يتعب الموت منّا، وكما قال الصحافي الكبير راجح الخوري في برنامج نهاركم سعيد على محطّة ال LBC،  بأن الحياة طافحة بالموت وانهُ لصباح حزين لا يحتملّه الوجدان اللبناني لكثرة ما مرّ عليه من مآسٍ..أوافقه الرأي انهُ لصباح حزين ولا نحتمله نحن كلبنانيون، تسمّرنا أمام الشاشات لمتابعة عمليات الانقاذ في جو عاصف، البحر ثائرٌ وكأنهُ سعيدٌ لابتلاعه عددا كبيرا من الجثث…ضحايا لا تزال مفقودة لا أثر لها وأخرى طافت على وجه المياه الباردة…أناس يخاطرون بحياتهم لانتشال الجثث غير آبهين لحال الطقس الرديء دول هرعت الى لبنان للمساعدة، حتى السياسيين وحّدتهم الكارثة التي حلّت بالشعب اللبناني…

انهُ مشهدٌ انساني بامتياز ولكن…ماذا بعد هدوء العاصفة وانتشال ما ابتلعهُ البحر من جثث؟؟؟ ماذا سيجري حين يمضي  على هذه الكارثة أيام وتُشرق الشمس من جديد ويهدأ البحر الثائر؟؟

سيعود نوابنا الى المجلس ليثورون على بعضهم البعض, وتعود الخلافات بينهم لتزيد ويعود الشعب الذي كتب له الله عمراً جديداً ولم يستقل هذه الطائرة ليرحل ضحية كارثة سياسيّة فتبتلعه مطامع السياسيين ….هل سيتّخذ سياسيوا لبنان من هذه الكارثة التي ألمّت بلبنان اليوم عبرة؟ هل ستدركون بأن لا بأس ان تتنازلوا عن كرسي أو قرار يخدم مصالح هذا الشعب ؟ أي متى ستدركون بأن كل ما تتقاتلون لأجله وتقتلون لأجله زائل ؟ فالموت لا يميّز بين دين وآخر أو بين منصب وآخر، الموت لا يميّز بين لبناني وأثيوبي أو بين تركي وفرنسي، للموت وجه واحد وثمن واحد ، غال جدا يملكه الفقير والغني وهو الروح…فأي متى ستدركون ذلك أيها السياسيّون؟

تعب هذا الشعب مصائب لكن المصائب  لم تتعب منه، وشبع من الموت لكن الموت لم يشبع منه فلاحقه من وطنه لينال منه في سمائه وليعيده الى أرض الوطن  مجددا لكن …أشلاء متناثرة في مياهه .

صباح أقلّ ما يقال عنه بأنه موجع، فذاكراتنا طافحة بصور الموت  فكم سنحتمل بعد… حتى لقمة العيش التي يريد اللبناني تأمينها بكرامة بعيدا عن تقبيل الأيدي في وطنه امتزجت بالدماء…

فكم من كارثة  يجب أن تحلّ بالشعب اللبناني بعد  لتستشعرون يا حضرة السياسيون؟؟  

                     جنان زيدان


January 26, 2010 Posted by | Arabic, Beirut, Death, Ethiopia, Lebanon, Life, Middle East, Nature, news, Politics, Weather | 2 Comments