Jinan Zeidan's Blog

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Heart Made Of Stone


 

image

Peaceful moment

You do your best to stay close to them,
They do their best to strongly push you away

You do your best to never refuse anything they ask you
They do their best to show you how bad you are refused

You say yes for everything showing how much you respect them
But you only hear the word NO when you search for YES

You ask for security and peace
But they tear your heart to pieces

You avoid showing your tears in front of them
Pretending you are strong
But they act as if your heart is made of stone

jinan

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March 11, 2016 Posted by | emotions, English, fear, Life, Love, others, Peace, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words | Leave a comment

Behind The Fire Lines


Behind the fire lines

Are nothing but prayers that cover her fears

But it can’t prevent her tears from falling and drawing hundreds of questions

With the painful one: where is he now?

She knows God is always there for all the people who are fighting for their right

To get their freedom back..

But things get complicated and the image is foggy when blood covers the land

All she hears is people screaming and hearts deeply bleeding

Behind the fire line he’s standing there

Who knows what’s going on?

There, is it a safe place? Or is he not okay?

Thoughts are the big enemy too when they takes us to imagine an anonymous bloody place

Where people went asking for peace and suddenly haters cut them into pieces on the streets

She’s fighting the evil thoughts by praying and trusting God that He will take care of him…

She sleeps every night wishing to see him in her dreams

A dream can heal for once even if reality will slap her on the face

When she wakes up

But at least it will stop the tears for a while ..

Behind the fire lines her heart is burning there trying to search for his face

And her soul is aching while waiting for his return …

Jinan

July 6, 2013 Posted by | Accidents, Death, Egypt, emotions, fear, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Middle East, news, others, Overseas, Parents, Peace, Politics, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, silence, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, Trust, Violence, Wars, Words, youth | 2 Comments

Mother’s Day


In her eyes you can read the words she keeps unspoken and in her heart you can feel the pain through a wound that is left unhealed. You can tell her that everything is going to be fine, you can tell her any lie just to make her feel good but she’s not blind, she knows what she feels is real…

A mother that lost her young boy in a war. She missed him coming through the door, on this day. She missed his hug, his laughter in place, when he used to scream “Happy Mother’s Day to my wonderful mom” and continue saying in a funny way, “I’m the luckiest guy on earth to have a mother like you. Seriously mom look at me, you brought someone like me into this life, that defines how amazing you are” and the laughter used to increase and her prayer for him too..

But, today she’s searching for her wonderful man, who used to fill the house with joy, but she can’t find him, she checks his room, his photos … She recalls the memories since he was a little boy, what he used to say with his gift, but the thing she remembers most is that he never forgets to say “I can’t imagine living in this life for one day without you mom”… These words killed her and every time she recalls them, she mumbles: “Who says I can? Daily, you are taking me from this life hundreds and hundreds of times at night…”

He is in a better place, that’s what his sisters tells her when she talks about him and cries. All these words that have been said to turn off the fire in her heart, are not working, because her heart is still wounded, missing her only son who used to make her the happiest mother on Mother’s Day and every day!

War. This monster that kidnaps soldiers in war, steals them from their mother’s lap, to break their hearts into millions of pieces. What would their mothers say on Mother’s Day? What would she feel while her heart never stops bleeding, missing her son who left one day without having a chance to say what he wants to say; maybe he thought he would come back home safe, maybe he never thought that his life will end there. It doesn’t matter what he thought, what matters is that he is not here anymore….

Years goes by, and the silent pain grows in the her heart, but the only day that her soul aches more than ever is on Mother’s Day. Maybe she envies the mothers who have never lost a son or maybe it’s only a wish that turns to a nightmare if only he visits her today…

She is the mother that is living her life in the memory of her son, her hero … All her other children are still around her. She gets the gifts, she gets the flowers and they all hold her on this special day like every day with tenderness and love… but through their laughter and warm hugs, her eyes are staring at the door.. she is still waiting with her pain that kills, missing her precious son and to feel how wonderful she is for bringing such a wonderful son like him into the world. But the feeling will never be felt again the day he left world, and the echo still comes to hear ears: “Happy Mother’s Day to the most wonderful mom on earth..”

March 23, 2013 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, photos, Promises, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, silence, Smile, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, Wars, Words | 3 Comments

Mighty Soldiers


She was there holding his hand begging him to stay

He was forced to leave her, how he wished to be there for another day. But he was comforting her by saying, “Anytime you need me, I’ll be there.”

“How is that?” she thought. He handed her a necklace with the name of the Lord engraved on it. “This will protect you and keep you from any harm”; she held it close to her heart.

She cried silently; her tears were burning every little breath she was taking.

Duty was calling him to serve his country, his steps were getting far while her heart was breaking apart.

Days passed by and months were like decades waiting for any news from him.

They said the war is near and never seeing his face was the only thing she feared.

She looked at her one year old child and holding him tight.

She said, “Please Lord, protect the father of my child and the man of my life. Keep him safe and bring him back home alive.

” Days passed by and the only seat she sat on was her husband’s, spending time on the balcony waiting for him to come.

One day she heard a knock on the door, and was hoping that her hero had come back home.

She opened the door and a soldier was standing there…She realized she became The mighty soldier’s widow.

She was frozen in place and didn’t dare say a word.

The man said, “Sorry ma’am for your loss, your husband was a brave soldier.” before he continued talking, she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

The world stopped for hours and a deep silence filled the place; she opened her eyes to see all the family surrounding her.

Some were crying, others were in shock but she was the only one who was dying.

Mighty soldiers leave their places to serve their country, leaving behind a wife and kids who are waiting them to come back home. What do we know about their feelings when they leave to the military?

Their kids’ and wife’s photos are their ID’s to find their feelings. Their fears that their children’s eyes will be seen for the last time, their heart aches silently leaving their wives, the love of their life, and never have the chance to feel it again.

Lucky are those who come back to their families even though the sad images from wars are stuck in their minds. But what about those who never come back, leaving everything behind them? Sacrificing their happiness, and all the happy moments they will spend with their children to protect their country and fight for their rights that the enemies want to take from them.

They are fighters with mighty hearts who believe in God, who are ready to give their own life to save hundreds. These are people who are ready to sacrifice their own happiness with their families in return giving a chance for thousands of men to have happiness with their own loved ones.

Just by thinking of a woman standing by her window waiting for her man to come back home after the war, and getting nothing but a dead body without a soul…

Just by thinking of her place: how the emptiness filled it even though her kids are playing around…

Just by thinking of her packing his clothes, his favorite CDs, by recalling his last words, smiling for the good memories and crying more for the bad ones….

Just by thinking of her speechless when her kids ask her, “When will dad come back home?”… It tears my heart apart to think of any woman who lost her husband in a war, how long she would stand her loss, and her longing to see him again…

They are mighty soldiers, those who swore to protect their country and be loyal to their promise…

I believe that the moment they take their last breath, a new angel enters heaven after serving his time on earth beneath…

  Jinan

September 5, 2012 Posted by | Death, fear, Human Rights, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, others, Parents, Peace, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, USA, Violence, Wars, Words | , , | 5 Comments

Dancing With The Devil


After she slammed the door of her room, it was so difficult for her thoughts to take her to a clear place. She sat on her bed recalling the happiest days she spent with her ex Mark, who she just broke up with; but she still couldn’t believe that he was cheating on her. Suzan was still under shock; she wasn’t aware of anything around her, not even the noises that were sneaking into her room that were caused by her siblings. The noises entered the room but not her hearing; she was living in denial for hours, but the only words she was speaking out were: “Oh dear God, I was with the Devil.”

The story started a year ago when Suzan met Mark at a wedding party. Back then, Mark was sitting at the party alone, smoking and drinking a lot. It seems he was in another world, away from all the people who surrounded him. Every time the lights fell on him, his teary eyes were exposed to some friends, but none of them had the ability to ease his pain, or make him talk to forget it. He had been like that for months since his ex left him for no reason. Suzan was also suffering from her ex, but had now moved on after facing tough times. She is now stronger than before, or at least that’s what she thinks. She promised herself that she won’t open her heart to anyone until she finds the right guy who deserves her heart. But destiny had another plan for both of them.

“Excuse me,” Suzan said and continued “would you please stop smoking?” Mark didn’t give her any attention simply because he didn’t hear her. Suzan noticed that, tapped on his shoulder, and said “Are you okay?” Mark gave Suzan a glimpse and then looked back deeply in her eyes and said, “Oh sorry, what did you say?” Suzan smiled and tried to show some sense of humor and said, “I said the weather is nice tonight.” Mark smiled back and then laughed, looking at her with this bright smile and the sound of her laughter made him feel something he couldn’t explain. Mark felt that he wanted to keep on talking to this young pretty lady who showed up out of nowhere. He felt as if he knew her for ages and she felt that his teary eyes hid unspoken words that were killing any trace of happiness on his face, and felt that he was even faking his smile. The party soon ended and his friends were surprised that he spent the last two hours of the party talking to a new girl or at least talking. Mark asked Suzan about her phone number and he gave her his number hoping to see her again.

Days past and the few minutes they spent talking on the phone with each other at the beginning expanded to hours later on. Mark told Suzan about his story: he was in love with a girl who meant the world to him but then she started to ignore his phone calls and never let him meet up with her and he knew later that she was cheating on him. Since then he was changed into another person who was drinking and smoking a lot and who barely ate. He told Suzan that he had lost his real happiness and she noticed that he also lost a lot of weight and looked powerless. These long conversations turned into long meetings between Mark and Suzan. Mark started to have feelings towards Suzan; she was a girl full of passion who has a very caring and lovely heart. She stood beside Mark and helped him return back to his happiness. One day he took her on a ride, “Where are we going?” she asked. He looked at her and said, “To a very nice place.” They reached the place; it was a rocky road and the moment she took a look at the view, she felt dizzy. He parked the car on the edge and the whole town was below. Suzan got out of the car and was amazed by the view. “Wow what a wonderful place”, she said. “I knew you would love it”, he replied. He turned on the Radio and asked her to dance with him; these were the moments that she cherished the most, being with the person who became her world and feeling that she’s being protected from the world are all feelings beyond description. That place on the edge was saving all of Suzan’s happy moments, even though it was scary but it was a secure place in her eyes especially when he took her hand and started to dance. But sometimes living all this happiness has a price that one of them will pay…

With days, Suzan noticed that Mark’s behavior was changing. She was asking him constantly if there was anything going on with him and he always replied with “I’m fine but it’s work that’s distracting me from you. I’ll make it up to you, I promise”. One day Mark forgot he was supposed to meet her and she was waiting for him but he never even called to apologize for not showing up. Suzan had her own concerns and she exposed them to Mark and said, “Are you back with your Ex, Mark?” He gave her a quick glimpse and looked away and answered, “Are you insane? I would never get back with someone who betrayed me.”Suzan looked at him and asked again “Okay then, do you have another new girl in your life? If you do, please let me know and I will leave you but don’t lie to me.” Mark was very angry and he gave her a bad attitude by saying, “If you are trying to find an excuse to leave me  because you have someone new, go ahead and let me know.” His words entered her heart like a knife, especially that she was leaving the country for a month, and she didn’t feel that he would miss her. She felt that he couldn’t wait until she left and now he said these poisoned words that made her feel  that this relationship will die soon; something wrong was going on and it was not her fault at all. She asked him to take her back home, but after he apologized for losing his temper, he didn’t forget to turn on the music and dance. However, this time she couldn’t feel secure while he’s holding her; she wanted the music to stop to have an excuse to stay away from him. She felt his lies just by him looking in her eyes and his hands were so cold and so was his heart because when he said “I love you”, she couldn’t say anything back. She couldn’t say something she didn’t feel at the moment, but instead she said, “I’m going to miss you”. On their way back to her place he said, “All I want you to do is to be happy and enjoy your vacation honey. I want you to be happy, don’t think of me or anything just think of yourself and be happy”. She looked at him and asked, “How could I not think of you?” He smiled and replied, “Because I want you to be happy.”

Suzan left her country to California to spend a month with her relatives, but Mark’s last words were still in her ears. She was so confused and so lost. After she arrived, she kept receiving emails from Mark but only for one week. After that, Mark never replied her emails, and her vacation turned into a sort of jail. She was supposed to enjoy her time and the only thing he asked her to do is to have fun and go out, but with his strange behavior she felt as if she was a prisoner of her painful doubts. Three weeks passed and Suzan called Mark because she was so worried. He answered the phone in a very cold manner that made her think she dialed the wrong number. However, the voice was Mark’s and after a short conversation between them, Suzan asked him why he never replied to her last messages and he replied, “Suzan, honey I’m working here, I have lot of work, and I’m facing a lot of problems at work.” Suzan never said anything except when he asked her when she’s coming back and she told him next week. She was spending her time on the beach that day and after she hung up, she looked at the sea and the angry waves that were breaking on her feet. She cried a lot because she was so wounded and scared.  On her way back home, Suzan spent hours crying on the plane; she had not enjoyed her trip. All she wanted to do is to arrive home and end everything with Mark. But as usual, he never agreed when she told him they should break up; his fake excuses showed up every time saying, ”I was so busy honey, you know things are going at work. I’m sorry if I gave you a hard time”. But Suzan asked him again, “Are you back with your ex? Listen if there is a new girl, even if your ex is back, you can still tell me I will help you to get back to her but don’t ever lie tome or even betray me Mark. All your actions show that you don’t care anymore and I don’t want to be with a person where I will be last in his life. You changed a lot Mark; you are a very different person now”. She looked away trying to hide her tears and continued, “All you asked for me is to be happy but with your behavior you ruined my happiness. I didn’t enjoy my vacation.” Mark held her tight and she could hear his heart beating as if his heart will pop out of his chest and said, “I’m really sorry you are an angel to stand me all this time.”

Doubts started to turn out to be facts in Suzan’s eyes. The more she found out lies about him, the more she felt something was missing in her heart. He always denied that he has anyone in his life but her hunch always told her that he has another one and not just anyone but his Ex specifically. When we have doubts, we feel the pain of not knowing the truth, and when we have a hunch, our heart aches for not believing what people try to tell us.  However, when the truth is finally exposed in front of us, our heart breaks. Suzan’s heart broke after the truth was revealed to her. She met a friend who knew about her and Mark but Suzan was surprised after he told her how sorry he is to know that Mark left her. Suzan asked, “Who told you that?” Her friend said, “No one. I met Mike and his Ex two weeks ago in a party and I thought how hard it is for you to handle this break up.”

Suzan felt like she was about to faint. Within moments she recalled the day she met Mark, the person who was broken, barely could eat, killing himself by smoking and drinking, and she recalled his teary eyes and voice when he said, “You are the first person I talk to in a very long time.” And then she recalled his words when they started to hang out together when he used to say, “You have a wonderful smile sweet lady, it brings happiness to my broken heart.” She also remembered how she used to feel after he says how much he’s broken inside and since then she promised herself to make him the happiest person on earth again. Suzan’s heart felt so heavy, and her legs were paralyzed. She couldn’t even breathe but surprisingly she never shed a tear; she was watching her friend’s lips moving but she couldn’t hear a single word. She got home and wanted to call Mark to tell him about the bitter truth she just found out about him, to scream and let out all the pain inside of her broken heart. She wanted to call to ask him why he did that to her because it was just not fair. She never wished to see him again; she didn’t have the power to see a person who stabbed her in the back. But her short messages to him were just to inform him that she knew about his lies and his return to his Ex and the only one question she asked was: “Why didn’t you let me go when I asked you to many times? Why didn’t you face me with the truth when I asked you if you got back to her?” His reply was long and full of excuses and lies again, and a sentence that drew a sarcastic smile on her face when he said, “You will always be a very special woman to me.”

Suzan’s life was affected by Mark’s absence for many months. She was acting as if she’s fine and doesn’t care, but she collapsed every night she climbed into bed. The memories that she shared with Mark were increasing her pain. His voice kept coming to her ears after he set a song and said, “Let’s dance.”  She recalled his hand taking hers softly, and how secure she felt just by hearing him breathe. She recalled how their light steps were moving and their souls were flying high with happiness. Suzan wondered how could he fake the tenderness I felt, how could he look me in the eye and lie? How could he ignore the truth when I asked him about his Ex? How could he dance on my wounds happily? She thought, “Oh, Dear God, I was dancing with the Devil” …. She never thought he would hurt her because she was standing beside him from the start; she never thought he would lie to her even when she was sure he was because his eyes held enough tears. She thought he would never cause her pain, she trusted that he would never break her heart because he experienced the depth of the pain to have a broken heart. But he was a devil who took her hand for a bleeding dance. She felt happiness by swaying lightly; she never felt that she was dancing on her wounds, and never knew that a piece of her heart was breaking with every step she was taking. But now the music is off, the devil left, the place is full of silence that she fears. She’s alone standing on the edge….

When everything seems to be good, it ends up in a bad way. The rhythm that makes us stand up and dance with happiness might end up suddenly leaving us in the middle of killer silence and a broken heart with bleeding steps taking us nowhere but lots of regrets and pain for meeting the wrong person.

Jinan

Facebook Page : https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

August 15, 2012 Posted by | emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Hate, Hurt, Love, Memories, others, Past, Promises, silence, Smile, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words | Leave a comment

Who’s Fault Is It?


It’s not about life, it’s about those who are living in it.

When I was a little girl they used to tell me good things to make me smile

Life was so easy maybe because I didn’t understand it

Or maybe because I was too innocent to understand.

They used to teach me to never lie

They said people who lie will always be called bad people

But after I grew up I found out that everyone lies

With bad people enjoying their lives

And honest people are paying the price.

They told me

To be happy,smile and dance in the rain

After I grew up

I knew that most of the times

We smile to hide our pain.

They taught me to cherish friendship in my life

It’s the purest thing I could ever have

A hug from a friend would heal your wounds

After I grew up, there was truth that I lacked

My friend’s hug was an excuse to stab me in the back.

They taught me to be respected and respect people in return

After I grew up I never dared to underestimate others

I respect people for who they are, but they took my respect as a weakness

I get lost in the connection people see with these two words: Respect and Weakness.

They taught me when you love someone, make them happy

Love is something so special, it’s about being faithful

It’s about honesty and sacrifice between two lovers

After I grew up, I knew lovers who became enemies

I see lovers who cheat on their loved ones

Looking at me and begging: “Please, don’t tell.”

I see lovers crying for the absence of their beloved

Their nights turn into days

While the other doesn’t care

Laughing while the one that loves them is in pain.

They used to tell me to never go near fire

Because I will burn myself

I spent my childhood years watching out from fire

And when i grew up I see adults playing with fire but without burns.

When I was a little girl I didn’t act my age

I didn’t play much but I used to read

And they used to tell me “Go play, kids should be playing; adults should read the most.”

After I grew up all I see is adults playing games to trick and set each other up.

Who’s fault is it? Who’s to blame?

Life? People? Or my parents who raised me in a great way?

I grew up to find myself in a jungle

Fearing people I meet, even though I should fear beasts

Everyone is passing by pushing me to get their aim

I am not standing in their way yet all they enjoy doing is hurting me.

Who’s fault is it? Is it my fault that my dreams turned into nightmares?

Or is it my fault since I dared dream?

They taught me lessons that were hard to understand

After I took them in, I grew up to find out these lessons failed me

They should’ve told me not to take life so seriously

They should’ve told me that it’s okay to fail.

All I was doing is studying so hard to be the perfect and polite girl

To never disappoint anyone in my life

But everyone disappointed me…

Who’s fault is it to lose the ability to deal with bad things?

To lose the ability to recognize the good person from the nasty?

I’ve learned my lessons but I failed in the exam

Not because I wasn’t ready, or because I forgot what I studied

But simply because life changed, and someone passed the wrong lessons

And everybody followed.

It’s not my fault that everyone knows these lessons

I was shocked and I cried a lot for not knowing answers when life tested me

It’s not my fault that after I grew up, the lessons changed

It’s not the same, it’s all the opposite… It’s all fake

With every lesson that slowly changed, I quickly learned life’s real lessons.

February 8, 2012 Posted by | emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Life, Love, Memories, others, Parents, Past, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words | 4 Comments

The Release Of My First Book


Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000478132/Let-Them-Go-With-A-Smile.aspx

December 22, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Grandfather, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, Nature, news, others, outsiders, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Politics, Poverty, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Technology, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words, youth | 3 Comments

Ps: I Miss You So Much


It is not the same, never the same again after you left. I still have the same eyes, the same sight, yet something precious is missing in my eyes. I used to be happy, I used to be happier, but this now makes me so sad… It is not the same when I pass by the places that your laughter used to fill. I wish I could still have our long conversations.  Your words used to make me smile all the time. Nobody could ever say things the way you used to do. You were so sweet Grandpa.

I still feel you there when I visit Grandma.  Sometimes I sit in your seat so I don’t see it empty.  Other times I just look at it.   To not see you sitting in front of me… you have no idea how much I wish you were sitting there.  Looking at the door to your room, I think of you as in there just taking a nap.  I still don’t have the courage to enter your room.  I don’t know if it’s the fear of not finding you, or I still want to think you are in there. Whatever the reason, what I know for sure, is that after you left nothing is the same again.

The apricot tree is not giving like it used to.  Since you left it has changed, it express’s it’s sadness in it’s own way, it used to be prettier.  But this year it looks sad beside the empty chair you left.  No one will ever fill that emptiness. It tears my heart to look at it, to never see you there again. Nothing will be the same again…

It’s almost eight months since you left, I feel like it’s yesterday.  I feel you close to me, but can’t see you.  Your words always in my ears, but I can’t hear you voice.  Sometimes I feel if I turn around, I’ll find you behind me.  But I don’t dare turn, for the fear of not seeing you there…

I’ve known before the feeling of a broken heart.  But after you left, what I experienced was how it feels when a piece of me, my heart, is taken and yet still I’m alive.  For the first time I know how it feels to have an aching soul.

After you left, nothing will be the same again. You decorated my life since I was a little girl, with your sweet smiles and warm love.  Since you left and for the rest of my life, my days will be decorated with your precious memory. You always made me smile, you never made me cry, until the day you left without saying goodbye… 

Since then, things are never the same again.

Ps:  I miss you so much Grandpa!!

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

August 4, 2011 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, Grandfather, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, others, Past, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Words | 9 Comments

Overseas


The moment comes, when we have to say goodbye.  Goodbyes not for the end of a relationship between us and our loved ones, but to see them returning away overseas.  A piece of us leaves with them.  The heartaches that grows while we stand there trying to accept the reasons that takes them back to the place they call their second home. We can do nothing but pray for them to get there safely.  Everyone has someone who lives overseas, who can’t find the opportunity in their own country to work.  They are forced to leave, leaving behind them their families and friends, the friends they were raised with.  At some point they have to sacrifice in order to live.  It’s not easy to leave the place of your birth, that will always leave them feeling torn. Always missing the places they used to go when they were kids.  The memories still stuck in their minds as they traveled the whole world. Even if they became rich and famous, they will always want to go back to the places where they used to go as little kids. Always have that desire to relive the moments, the moments that became their past when they had to leave overseas for a living.  
It used to be harder to leave.  There was no internet to connect to family, sometimes it took months to receive a letter from loved ones.  The phone calls were too expensive to make.  The trips took longer, and to be a world apart from each other really meant to be apart.  In the past, things were harder than nowadays.  These days, it’s much easier.  It’s true that technology has made the world a small village.  The letter that used to arrive after a month now arrives in a minute, or a second, by email and Fax. Cameras can allow us to see a person in any place in the world.  All these things have helped people to keep in touch with each other. And also erased thoughts or doubts that people used to have, when they had no idea where their loved ones are now living.  They used to wonder where they lived, what the country looked like.  These days, it’s enough to Google the place, type the country name and the map will show us where they are.  Technology means that you might know more about a place than those that live there.  Nothing is impossible with modern life, everything is coming easily, and it’s getting easier.
But still we can’t ignore the danger of traveling, of crossing the seas to live in another country.  Still not easy to be accepted, especially for parents, they always wish to have their children around them.  Living with them in the same country, in their home.  Technology can’t erase that feeling of pain when we wave goodbye to our loved ones and watch them disappear away.  Even if we know that after they leave we are going to send them messages via facebook, or make a skype call with them, or email.  The ache will stay, the distance still stands between us.  Wishing they are here at this moment, we recall the food they like, and wish we could send them even a bite.  We recall the places where we were with them, the laughter, specific words they use and that we love to hear them say.  It makes us smile to recall those moments from the past, but even if they are writing to us, still our eyes are wet because the distance is still there to pain us.
Worse though is the plane accidents that happen every year.  Thousands of people moving between their country and another, who never make it to their destination.  Killed while they traveled, coming down into the sea, some bodies lost, others so damaged they can’t be recognized or identified.  While they float in the ocean, their families and friends are waiting for them in an airport.  How painful it is to wait for someone who will never come back again?  Technology can do nothing about that.  It can’t ease the hurt of their families, it can’t change the bitter fact that they gone and will not return.  How many people have been lost in the skies, and in the oceans and seas?  The danger of flying is always there, the possibility of never seeing our loved ones again after they travel away overseas.  Every day a huge number of people are moving from country to another.  Some of them are now saying goodbye for the last times to their families, but they don’t know that yet.  Some of them left their home last night only to find after they arrived that their mom or dad or one of their families has passed away.  Would they have left if they knew it was their last goodbye, or would change their life forever, losing someone they love.  Airports are full of travelers, some who are welcoming people with happiness and tears of joy, and others who are waving goodbyes with pain and tears of sadness.  Are they going to see them again, who knows?  Others are postponing their flights to spend more time with their friends and family.  Some others are afraid to leave at all, or decide to return to their country to live the rest of their lives with their family.  
The flights taking people overseas hide so many things.  The possibility to see people again and the possibility to never see them again, that too is always there.  Nothing could describe our happiness when we open the door and see our loved ones surprising us after they’ve been overseas for years.  The feeling of joy and pleasure to see them again is beyond description.  And nothing could describe the moment when we have to say goodbye to them.  We just wish that time could stop at the moment they come, so they could stay forever.  But time keeps running, and soon they will have to rush away again, to be in another part of the world.  They too might wish to never leave, but the time will come that they have to say farewell and go.  Technology will keep them in contact, it will ease the distance, but it can never erase the loss we feel when they leave.  The moment they leave we fake a smile to hide our tears, we pretend we are fine.  But that moment will never be easy when we watch them disappear away overseas.

Jinan

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July 29, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Nature, others, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, Smile, Speak, Technology, Thought, Words, youth | 4 Comments

Homeless Child…


He was born like many other children, filled with love and innocent. He had caring parents as he recalls, they use to hold him and protect him in his first years. They taught him how to walk and how to talk.  They used to run towards him and wipe his tears when he fell, just like any other parents would do for their child.  He’s the youngest in the family, his brother was 12 years old, and his sister was almost 10 when he born.  He used to wait for them, for when they come back to the place where they all sheltered under the bridge, to play with him.  Usually they left that place early in the morning while he was still sleeping, and often they came back late after he was asleep.  His mom was so special, she was the only person who was always around, his dad used to disappear, sometimes for weeks.  As a little baby, all that mattered to him was to play, eat and sleep.  He was too small to know what’s going on with his family.  Newly arrived to life, he didn’t know yet that there is lot to go through, didn’t know that his life will be a battle, that he’s just one new fighter in this family he was born into.  He didn’t know yet the name of the place he lives, he used to think it’s home, but his family name it hell…  That became clear after he turned 6 years old. 

It was a sunny day when his mom told him to put on his dirty torn clothes and be ready for a long walk.  “A long walk where?” the boy asked, “…but mom I want to stay here and play”.  With a strict look, his dad ordered him to obey his mom.  The boy kept silent and bowed his head.  His clothes were dirty as usual, you wouldn’t know it had different colors.  His face were dirty as well, he didn’t have a mirror to know how he looked.  Maybe if he did he would know why people ignored him in the streets, why they looked at him in a disgusted way.  He loves to leave what he calls home, to enjoy the sunshine, because where he lives the rays of the sun can’t find their way.  Their place was not a healthy one.  That’s the reason why the family was often sick. 

While he was walking with his mom he wondered where she was taking him, she never said.  All she said was “from this day you will start to work just like your sister and brother, you are a little man now”.  They arrived at a very crowded place, where families went with their kids and relatives, where friends meet up together, and everyone looked happy.  His mom stopped and bent towards him, she looked deeply and seriously into his eyes and said  “I will leave you here, I will come back later to get you”.  The little boy was scared and asked his mom “but where are you going, and why you are leaving me here?”  She replied “See those people, you have to stay with them, go and try to get money, food, or anything you can get”.  “But mom…” he cried.  His mom shook him in a strict way and said “LISTEN TO ME, this is how we get money, this is what your brother and sister do, everyone has a job and this is yours now too”.  He looked at his mom, tears filling his eyes; his lips spelled one word …ok.  He stood there, watching his mom walk away.

All he saw were strangers, people who ignored him, or who looked at him in pity, who pushed him to get away from them.  Happy children were everywhere, he saw them playing with their parents, laughing and giggling.  He wondered why their parents didn’t leave them alone in this place like his mom did.  The time passed, and by noon, he felt so hungry and wanted something to eat.  He couldn’t go and just ask people to give him money, or even to give him something to eat.  He was so scared and lost.  He went to the garbage, started to eat the old bread.  A cat made him start from fear when she jumped out from the garbage.  He was crying and didn’t know what to do.  He ate a little, only what he could find in the garbage, it was better than nothing.  He walked around, trying to ask people to give him money.  The first woman he saw sitting with her kids, he came near to her and said “give me money please or something to eat”.  The woman yelled at him, protective of her own two kids. “I’m not going to hurt them, I’m just a kid like them” he mumbled.  But she kept on yelling, telling him to stay away.

The first day ended, the sun disappeared and his mom never reappeared. He sat on the street, some of those who passed by him gave him money without him asking them.  He waited so long for his mom, but she never came to take him back home.  He didn’t know how to get there by himself.  The dogs were barking, the cats fighting in the middle of the night, the people passing grew fewer until there were no more people on the street.  Only him and some other homeless people.  He cried and tried to find a box to sleep in, he was very tired and wanted to sleep. All the lights were switched off, all the other kids his age were home asleep. He covered himself with bags and slept on the side of the road, where else he could go?  He thought about his mom, why didn’t she come back he kept thinking until he fell asleep.

The next day, the steps of people passing by woke him, at first he didn’t’ recognize where he was… until he recalled the day before.  He felt the fear again, the insecurity of the coming days.  He thought about his mom and his family.  He missed his brother and sister, where are they now? Would he ever see them again?  He went to a nearby shop to buy something to eat, thankful for the people who dropped money for him while he lay on the street.  He entered the shop and the man screamed “get out you dirty boy”.  He ran from fear and tripped and fell.  He cried from pain, from fear, from anything that might come near him.  A soft hand touched his shoulder, and asked him to stand up.  He looked up and saw a very nice lady with a little boy.  She said “Come, let me help you up, how old are you?”  He looked at her son, he was about his age, “I’m 6 years old” he said.  She asked, “Are you hungry?”  He started crying, “yes I am”.  “I saw the man screaming at you, wait for me here and I’ll bring you something to eat”.  She went to the shop and bought some food and candy.  “Can I have them all?” he asked, the lady smiled and said, “sure, it’s all yours.  Are you new here?” “Yes” he replied.  The woman told him that she had to leave, but she promised to check back on him every day and bring him something to eat. 

He felt that God was looking over him, and each day he waited for the woman, but he never forgot about his family, especially his mom.  Her face kept coming to his imagination, telling him that he’s a man now. With days the small kid grew, with years he knew his reality.  He wonders now about the person he once called mom, who used to be his whole world, the person who held him and protected him, is she the same person who threw him away?  Too many questions, but no one to give him answers or erase his fears.  He knows the place where he lives under the bridge isn’t a home, and why the people call him homeless.  He can’t go to school, he knows nothing but begging and the people who give him money so he can eat.  He looks around seeing happy kids playing with their friends, riding their bicycles, getting into fancy cars with their parents, and asks; why am I different from them?  It wasn’t his choice to be homeless, it wasn’t that he wanted to sleep on the streets.  Or to hide in boxes, fearful that the dogs might bite him.  He always wishes some day he will wake up and his life will be changed.  But every morning he wakes to the sound of people’s steps hurrying by, or screaming for the Taxi.  What hurts him the most though is to overhear conversations, mothers on the phone saying she’ll be home soon.  Home, a word that fills his heart with sorrow.  He waited for his mom for long years, and he still goes to the place where she left him.  Still wishes she would come to take him to where they all live, anywhere, as long as they were all together, with his brother and sister.  He has some friends who are also homeless, they have their own stories too.  Sometimes they all go to a shelter to eat and sleep.  Other times he forgets himself, waiting on his own till late in the evening, and falls asleep waiting there…

 

Whenever you see a homeless person, give them a helping hand, give them food or clothes, or even a place to live.  Some of them were born homeless, growing up in fear, watching people kick them, yell at them, and look at them in a disgusted way.  It’s not their fault.  We are blessed to have a home to live in.  We have our own rooms, our own cars, money to buy whatever we want.  Do we sometimes cry and feel life is unfair if our parents disagree and refuse to buy something for us?  So what about those whose life has said NO to them for everything since they were born?  Never pass by the homeless without a thought for their fate, spare a smile and some kindness.  You will never know what their life has been, what they are waiting for that will never come…

 Jinan

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June 12, 2011 Posted by | childhood, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Homeless children, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Thought, Trust, Violence, Words | 13 Comments