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Behind The Fire Lines


Behind the fire lines

Are nothing but prayers that cover her fears

But it can’t prevent her tears from falling and drawing hundreds of questions

With the painful one: where is he now?

She knows God is always there for all the people who are fighting for their right

To get their freedom back..

But things get complicated and the image is foggy when blood covers the land

All she hears is people screaming and hearts deeply bleeding

Behind the fire line he’s standing there

Who knows what’s going on?

There, is it a safe place? Or is he not okay?

Thoughts are the big enemy too when they takes us to imagine an anonymous bloody place

Where people went asking for peace and suddenly haters cut them into pieces on the streets

She’s fighting the evil thoughts by praying and trusting God that He will take care of him…

She sleeps every night wishing to see him in her dreams

A dream can heal for once even if reality will slap her on the face

When she wakes up

But at least it will stop the tears for a while ..

Behind the fire lines her heart is burning there trying to search for his face

And her soul is aching while waiting for his return …

Jinan

July 6, 2013 Posted by | Accidents, Death, Egypt, emotions, fear, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Middle East, news, others, Overseas, Parents, Peace, Politics, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, silence, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, Trust, Violence, Wars, Words, youth | 2 Comments

Mother’s Day


In her eyes you can read the words she keeps unspoken and in her heart you can feel the pain through a wound that is left unhealed. You can tell her that everything is going to be fine, you can tell her any lie just to make her feel good but she’s not blind, she knows what she feels is real…

A mother that lost her young boy in a war. She missed him coming through the door, on this day. She missed his hug, his laughter in place, when he used to scream “Happy Mother’s Day to my wonderful mom” and continue saying in a funny way, “I’m the luckiest guy on earth to have a mother like you. Seriously mom look at me, you brought someone like me into this life, that defines how amazing you are” and the laughter used to increase and her prayer for him too..

But, today she’s searching for her wonderful man, who used to fill the house with joy, but she can’t find him, she checks his room, his photos … She recalls the memories since he was a little boy, what he used to say with his gift, but the thing she remembers most is that he never forgets to say “I can’t imagine living in this life for one day without you mom”… These words killed her and every time she recalls them, she mumbles: “Who says I can? Daily, you are taking me from this life hundreds and hundreds of times at night…”

He is in a better place, that’s what his sisters tells her when she talks about him and cries. All these words that have been said to turn off the fire in her heart, are not working, because her heart is still wounded, missing her only son who used to make her the happiest mother on Mother’s Day and every day!

War. This monster that kidnaps soldiers in war, steals them from their mother’s lap, to break their hearts into millions of pieces. What would their mothers say on Mother’s Day? What would she feel while her heart never stops bleeding, missing her son who left one day without having a chance to say what he wants to say; maybe he thought he would come back home safe, maybe he never thought that his life will end there. It doesn’t matter what he thought, what matters is that he is not here anymore….

Years goes by, and the silent pain grows in the her heart, but the only day that her soul aches more than ever is on Mother’s Day. Maybe she envies the mothers who have never lost a son or maybe it’s only a wish that turns to a nightmare if only he visits her today…

She is the mother that is living her life in the memory of her son, her hero … All her other children are still around her. She gets the gifts, she gets the flowers and they all hold her on this special day like every day with tenderness and love… but through their laughter and warm hugs, her eyes are staring at the door.. she is still waiting with her pain that kills, missing her precious son and to feel how wonderful she is for bringing such a wonderful son like him into the world. But the feeling will never be felt again the day he left world, and the echo still comes to hear ears: “Happy Mother’s Day to the most wonderful mom on earth..”

March 23, 2013 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, photos, Promises, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, silence, Smile, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, Wars, Words | 3 Comments

Mighty Soldiers


She was there holding his hand begging him to stay

He was forced to leave her, how he wished to be there for another day. But he was comforting her by saying, “Anytime you need me, I’ll be there.”

“How is that?” she thought. He handed her a necklace with the name of the Lord engraved on it. “This will protect you and keep you from any harm”; she held it close to her heart.

She cried silently; her tears were burning every little breath she was taking.

Duty was calling him to serve his country, his steps were getting far while her heart was breaking apart.

Days passed by and months were like decades waiting for any news from him.

They said the war is near and never seeing his face was the only thing she feared.

She looked at her one year old child and holding him tight.

She said, “Please Lord, protect the father of my child and the man of my life. Keep him safe and bring him back home alive.

” Days passed by and the only seat she sat on was her husband’s, spending time on the balcony waiting for him to come.

One day she heard a knock on the door, and was hoping that her hero had come back home.

She opened the door and a soldier was standing there…She realized she became The mighty soldier’s widow.

She was frozen in place and didn’t dare say a word.

The man said, “Sorry ma’am for your loss, your husband was a brave soldier.” before he continued talking, she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

The world stopped for hours and a deep silence filled the place; she opened her eyes to see all the family surrounding her.

Some were crying, others were in shock but she was the only one who was dying.

Mighty soldiers leave their places to serve their country, leaving behind a wife and kids who are waiting them to come back home. What do we know about their feelings when they leave to the military?

Their kids’ and wife’s photos are their ID’s to find their feelings. Their fears that their children’s eyes will be seen for the last time, their heart aches silently leaving their wives, the love of their life, and never have the chance to feel it again.

Lucky are those who come back to their families even though the sad images from wars are stuck in their minds. But what about those who never come back, leaving everything behind them? Sacrificing their happiness, and all the happy moments they will spend with their children to protect their country and fight for their rights that the enemies want to take from them.

They are fighters with mighty hearts who believe in God, who are ready to give their own life to save hundreds. These are people who are ready to sacrifice their own happiness with their families in return giving a chance for thousands of men to have happiness with their own loved ones.

Just by thinking of a woman standing by her window waiting for her man to come back home after the war, and getting nothing but a dead body without a soul…

Just by thinking of her place: how the emptiness filled it even though her kids are playing around…

Just by thinking of her packing his clothes, his favorite CDs, by recalling his last words, smiling for the good memories and crying more for the bad ones….

Just by thinking of her speechless when her kids ask her, “When will dad come back home?”… It tears my heart apart to think of any woman who lost her husband in a war, how long she would stand her loss, and her longing to see him again…

They are mighty soldiers, those who swore to protect their country and be loyal to their promise…

I believe that the moment they take their last breath, a new angel enters heaven after serving his time on earth beneath…

  Jinan

September 5, 2012 Posted by | Death, fear, Human Rights, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, others, Parents, Peace, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, USA, Violence, Wars, Words | , , | 5 Comments

Who’s Fault Is It?


It’s not about life, it’s about those who are living in it.

When I was a little girl they used to tell me good things to make me smile

Life was so easy maybe because I didn’t understand it

Or maybe because I was too innocent to understand.

They used to teach me to never lie

They said people who lie will always be called bad people

But after I grew up I found out that everyone lies

With bad people enjoying their lives

And honest people are paying the price.

They told me

To be happy,smile and dance in the rain

After I grew up

I knew that most of the times

We smile to hide our pain.

They taught me to cherish friendship in my life

It’s the purest thing I could ever have

A hug from a friend would heal your wounds

After I grew up, there was truth that I lacked

My friend’s hug was an excuse to stab me in the back.

They taught me to be respected and respect people in return

After I grew up I never dared to underestimate others

I respect people for who they are, but they took my respect as a weakness

I get lost in the connection people see with these two words: Respect and Weakness.

They taught me when you love someone, make them happy

Love is something so special, it’s about being faithful

It’s about honesty and sacrifice between two lovers

After I grew up, I knew lovers who became enemies

I see lovers who cheat on their loved ones

Looking at me and begging: “Please, don’t tell.”

I see lovers crying for the absence of their beloved

Their nights turn into days

While the other doesn’t care

Laughing while the one that loves them is in pain.

They used to tell me to never go near fire

Because I will burn myself

I spent my childhood years watching out from fire

And when i grew up I see adults playing with fire but without burns.

When I was a little girl I didn’t act my age

I didn’t play much but I used to read

And they used to tell me “Go play, kids should be playing; adults should read the most.”

After I grew up all I see is adults playing games to trick and set each other up.

Who’s fault is it? Who’s to blame?

Life? People? Or my parents who raised me in a great way?

I grew up to find myself in a jungle

Fearing people I meet, even though I should fear beasts

Everyone is passing by pushing me to get their aim

I am not standing in their way yet all they enjoy doing is hurting me.

Who’s fault is it? Is it my fault that my dreams turned into nightmares?

Or is it my fault since I dared dream?

They taught me lessons that were hard to understand

After I took them in, I grew up to find out these lessons failed me

They should’ve told me not to take life so seriously

They should’ve told me that it’s okay to fail.

All I was doing is studying so hard to be the perfect and polite girl

To never disappoint anyone in my life

But everyone disappointed me…

Who’s fault is it to lose the ability to deal with bad things?

To lose the ability to recognize the good person from the nasty?

I’ve learned my lessons but I failed in the exam

Not because I wasn’t ready, or because I forgot what I studied

But simply because life changed, and someone passed the wrong lessons

And everybody followed.

It’s not my fault that everyone knows these lessons

I was shocked and I cried a lot for not knowing answers when life tested me

It’s not my fault that after I grew up, the lessons changed

It’s not the same, it’s all the opposite… It’s all fake

With every lesson that slowly changed, I quickly learned life’s real lessons.

February 8, 2012 Posted by | emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Life, Love, Memories, others, Parents, Past, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words | 4 Comments

The Release Of My First Book


Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000478132/Let-Them-Go-With-A-Smile.aspx

December 22, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Grandfather, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, Nature, news, others, outsiders, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Politics, Poverty, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Technology, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words, youth | 3 Comments

Overseas


The moment comes, when we have to say goodbye.  Goodbyes not for the end of a relationship between us and our loved ones, but to see them returning away overseas.  A piece of us leaves with them.  The heartaches that grows while we stand there trying to accept the reasons that takes them back to the place they call their second home. We can do nothing but pray for them to get there safely.  Everyone has someone who lives overseas, who can’t find the opportunity in their own country to work.  They are forced to leave, leaving behind them their families and friends, the friends they were raised with.  At some point they have to sacrifice in order to live.  It’s not easy to leave the place of your birth, that will always leave them feeling torn. Always missing the places they used to go when they were kids.  The memories still stuck in their minds as they traveled the whole world. Even if they became rich and famous, they will always want to go back to the places where they used to go as little kids. Always have that desire to relive the moments, the moments that became their past when they had to leave overseas for a living.  
It used to be harder to leave.  There was no internet to connect to family, sometimes it took months to receive a letter from loved ones.  The phone calls were too expensive to make.  The trips took longer, and to be a world apart from each other really meant to be apart.  In the past, things were harder than nowadays.  These days, it’s much easier.  It’s true that technology has made the world a small village.  The letter that used to arrive after a month now arrives in a minute, or a second, by email and Fax. Cameras can allow us to see a person in any place in the world.  All these things have helped people to keep in touch with each other. And also erased thoughts or doubts that people used to have, when they had no idea where their loved ones are now living.  They used to wonder where they lived, what the country looked like.  These days, it’s enough to Google the place, type the country name and the map will show us where they are.  Technology means that you might know more about a place than those that live there.  Nothing is impossible with modern life, everything is coming easily, and it’s getting easier.
But still we can’t ignore the danger of traveling, of crossing the seas to live in another country.  Still not easy to be accepted, especially for parents, they always wish to have their children around them.  Living with them in the same country, in their home.  Technology can’t erase that feeling of pain when we wave goodbye to our loved ones and watch them disappear away.  Even if we know that after they leave we are going to send them messages via facebook, or make a skype call with them, or email.  The ache will stay, the distance still stands between us.  Wishing they are here at this moment, we recall the food they like, and wish we could send them even a bite.  We recall the places where we were with them, the laughter, specific words they use and that we love to hear them say.  It makes us smile to recall those moments from the past, but even if they are writing to us, still our eyes are wet because the distance is still there to pain us.
Worse though is the plane accidents that happen every year.  Thousands of people moving between their country and another, who never make it to their destination.  Killed while they traveled, coming down into the sea, some bodies lost, others so damaged they can’t be recognized or identified.  While they float in the ocean, their families and friends are waiting for them in an airport.  How painful it is to wait for someone who will never come back again?  Technology can do nothing about that.  It can’t ease the hurt of their families, it can’t change the bitter fact that they gone and will not return.  How many people have been lost in the skies, and in the oceans and seas?  The danger of flying is always there, the possibility of never seeing our loved ones again after they travel away overseas.  Every day a huge number of people are moving from country to another.  Some of them are now saying goodbye for the last times to their families, but they don’t know that yet.  Some of them left their home last night only to find after they arrived that their mom or dad or one of their families has passed away.  Would they have left if they knew it was their last goodbye, or would change their life forever, losing someone they love.  Airports are full of travelers, some who are welcoming people with happiness and tears of joy, and others who are waving goodbyes with pain and tears of sadness.  Are they going to see them again, who knows?  Others are postponing their flights to spend more time with their friends and family.  Some others are afraid to leave at all, or decide to return to their country to live the rest of their lives with their family.  
The flights taking people overseas hide so many things.  The possibility to see people again and the possibility to never see them again, that too is always there.  Nothing could describe our happiness when we open the door and see our loved ones surprising us after they’ve been overseas for years.  The feeling of joy and pleasure to see them again is beyond description.  And nothing could describe the moment when we have to say goodbye to them.  We just wish that time could stop at the moment they come, so they could stay forever.  But time keeps running, and soon they will have to rush away again, to be in another part of the world.  They too might wish to never leave, but the time will come that they have to say farewell and go.  Technology will keep them in contact, it will ease the distance, but it can never erase the loss we feel when they leave.  The moment they leave we fake a smile to hide our tears, we pretend we are fine.  But that moment will never be easy when we watch them disappear away overseas.

Jinan

Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/?sk=inbox&action=read&tid=TJXfsrpdPuWrJuCK6sxSXg#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

July 29, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Nature, others, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, Smile, Speak, Technology, Thought, Words, youth | 4 Comments

Homeless Child…


He was born like many other children, filled with love and innocent. He had caring parents as he recalls, they use to hold him and protect him in his first years. They taught him how to walk and how to talk.  They used to run towards him and wipe his tears when he fell, just like any other parents would do for their child.  He’s the youngest in the family, his brother was 12 years old, and his sister was almost 10 when he born.  He used to wait for them, for when they come back to the place where they all sheltered under the bridge, to play with him.  Usually they left that place early in the morning while he was still sleeping, and often they came back late after he was asleep.  His mom was so special, she was the only person who was always around, his dad used to disappear, sometimes for weeks.  As a little baby, all that mattered to him was to play, eat and sleep.  He was too small to know what’s going on with his family.  Newly arrived to life, he didn’t know yet that there is lot to go through, didn’t know that his life will be a battle, that he’s just one new fighter in this family he was born into.  He didn’t know yet the name of the place he lives, he used to think it’s home, but his family name it hell…  That became clear after he turned 6 years old. 

It was a sunny day when his mom told him to put on his dirty torn clothes and be ready for a long walk.  “A long walk where?” the boy asked, “…but mom I want to stay here and play”.  With a strict look, his dad ordered him to obey his mom.  The boy kept silent and bowed his head.  His clothes were dirty as usual, you wouldn’t know it had different colors.  His face were dirty as well, he didn’t have a mirror to know how he looked.  Maybe if he did he would know why people ignored him in the streets, why they looked at him in a disgusted way.  He loves to leave what he calls home, to enjoy the sunshine, because where he lives the rays of the sun can’t find their way.  Their place was not a healthy one.  That’s the reason why the family was often sick. 

While he was walking with his mom he wondered where she was taking him, she never said.  All she said was “from this day you will start to work just like your sister and brother, you are a little man now”.  They arrived at a very crowded place, where families went with their kids and relatives, where friends meet up together, and everyone looked happy.  His mom stopped and bent towards him, she looked deeply and seriously into his eyes and said  “I will leave you here, I will come back later to get you”.  The little boy was scared and asked his mom “but where are you going, and why you are leaving me here?”  She replied “See those people, you have to stay with them, go and try to get money, food, or anything you can get”.  “But mom…” he cried.  His mom shook him in a strict way and said “LISTEN TO ME, this is how we get money, this is what your brother and sister do, everyone has a job and this is yours now too”.  He looked at his mom, tears filling his eyes; his lips spelled one word …ok.  He stood there, watching his mom walk away.

All he saw were strangers, people who ignored him, or who looked at him in pity, who pushed him to get away from them.  Happy children were everywhere, he saw them playing with their parents, laughing and giggling.  He wondered why their parents didn’t leave them alone in this place like his mom did.  The time passed, and by noon, he felt so hungry and wanted something to eat.  He couldn’t go and just ask people to give him money, or even to give him something to eat.  He was so scared and lost.  He went to the garbage, started to eat the old bread.  A cat made him start from fear when she jumped out from the garbage.  He was crying and didn’t know what to do.  He ate a little, only what he could find in the garbage, it was better than nothing.  He walked around, trying to ask people to give him money.  The first woman he saw sitting with her kids, he came near to her and said “give me money please or something to eat”.  The woman yelled at him, protective of her own two kids. “I’m not going to hurt them, I’m just a kid like them” he mumbled.  But she kept on yelling, telling him to stay away.

The first day ended, the sun disappeared and his mom never reappeared. He sat on the street, some of those who passed by him gave him money without him asking them.  He waited so long for his mom, but she never came to take him back home.  He didn’t know how to get there by himself.  The dogs were barking, the cats fighting in the middle of the night, the people passing grew fewer until there were no more people on the street.  Only him and some other homeless people.  He cried and tried to find a box to sleep in, he was very tired and wanted to sleep. All the lights were switched off, all the other kids his age were home asleep. He covered himself with bags and slept on the side of the road, where else he could go?  He thought about his mom, why didn’t she come back he kept thinking until he fell asleep.

The next day, the steps of people passing by woke him, at first he didn’t’ recognize where he was… until he recalled the day before.  He felt the fear again, the insecurity of the coming days.  He thought about his mom and his family.  He missed his brother and sister, where are they now? Would he ever see them again?  He went to a nearby shop to buy something to eat, thankful for the people who dropped money for him while he lay on the street.  He entered the shop and the man screamed “get out you dirty boy”.  He ran from fear and tripped and fell.  He cried from pain, from fear, from anything that might come near him.  A soft hand touched his shoulder, and asked him to stand up.  He looked up and saw a very nice lady with a little boy.  She said “Come, let me help you up, how old are you?”  He looked at her son, he was about his age, “I’m 6 years old” he said.  She asked, “Are you hungry?”  He started crying, “yes I am”.  “I saw the man screaming at you, wait for me here and I’ll bring you something to eat”.  She went to the shop and bought some food and candy.  “Can I have them all?” he asked, the lady smiled and said, “sure, it’s all yours.  Are you new here?” “Yes” he replied.  The woman told him that she had to leave, but she promised to check back on him every day and bring him something to eat. 

He felt that God was looking over him, and each day he waited for the woman, but he never forgot about his family, especially his mom.  Her face kept coming to his imagination, telling him that he’s a man now. With days the small kid grew, with years he knew his reality.  He wonders now about the person he once called mom, who used to be his whole world, the person who held him and protected him, is she the same person who threw him away?  Too many questions, but no one to give him answers or erase his fears.  He knows the place where he lives under the bridge isn’t a home, and why the people call him homeless.  He can’t go to school, he knows nothing but begging and the people who give him money so he can eat.  He looks around seeing happy kids playing with their friends, riding their bicycles, getting into fancy cars with their parents, and asks; why am I different from them?  It wasn’t his choice to be homeless, it wasn’t that he wanted to sleep on the streets.  Or to hide in boxes, fearful that the dogs might bite him.  He always wishes some day he will wake up and his life will be changed.  But every morning he wakes to the sound of people’s steps hurrying by, or screaming for the Taxi.  What hurts him the most though is to overhear conversations, mothers on the phone saying she’ll be home soon.  Home, a word that fills his heart with sorrow.  He waited for his mom for long years, and he still goes to the place where she left him.  Still wishes she would come to take him to where they all live, anywhere, as long as they were all together, with his brother and sister.  He has some friends who are also homeless, they have their own stories too.  Sometimes they all go to a shelter to eat and sleep.  Other times he forgets himself, waiting on his own till late in the evening, and falls asleep waiting there…

 

Whenever you see a homeless person, give them a helping hand, give them food or clothes, or even a place to live.  Some of them were born homeless, growing up in fear, watching people kick them, yell at them, and look at them in a disgusted way.  It’s not their fault.  We are blessed to have a home to live in.  We have our own rooms, our own cars, money to buy whatever we want.  Do we sometimes cry and feel life is unfair if our parents disagree and refuse to buy something for us?  So what about those whose life has said NO to them for everything since they were born?  Never pass by the homeless without a thought for their fate, spare a smile and some kindness.  You will never know what their life has been, what they are waiting for that will never come…

 Jinan

FaceBook Page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

 

 

 

 

June 12, 2011 Posted by | childhood, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Homeless children, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Thought, Trust, Violence, Words | 13 Comments

Woman In Black


She sits in silence her tears pouring down, her hands shivering and dancing to the rhythm of her heart beat.  It’s a glimpse into what surrounds her, a past that turns her world around. Calling out names of people who have faded away, nothing in her ears except the echo shaking her cold body.  Nothing in her eyes but tears, she’s a woman in black living moments of fear…

What covered her soul with sadness? What made her wings too weak to fly as high as she had dreamed? She had been an angel with a pure heart, no wounds caused by lies, not afraid to walk in the sunshine, wise and full of life.  Now she’s an aching heart, dancing in the dark with broken wings.  When she falls and another wound appears on her body, she’s content with her bleeding skin.  But there are other wounds that are hidden inside of her heart.

 She heads to her closet to pick a colorful dress, maybe it can help her to take a step to happiness, she hope so anyway.  If she could change the colour she wears, picking her favorite dress with a broken smile, she thinks she might change her dark mood for a colorful one.  But standing in front of her mirror, what she sees is herself wearing black again, how come she wondered looking down, it’s a colorful dress, but a glimpse into the mirror and it’s black again…  It’s the reflection of her aching soul in the mirror, that can’t allow her to be happy, won’t allow her to fool herself by covering her body with a colorful dress.  She’s not smart enough to fool her soul, it’s not about her body, it’s about what lies within.  When skin is wounded it bleeds, but then it heals.  Maybe there will be a scar as a reminder of the wound, maybe not.  But when her soul is wounded, it is a hurt without bleeding or screaming, and she is lost in a body that doesn’t know what to do.  A wounded prisoner in a sad body, that can’t give up, yet can’t escape.  That is the blackness in the woman’s soul… 

She would break her mirror to destroy the truth she’s denying….  The truth that hurts, the truth that would always be there…  Leaving her room the pieces of her mirror cover the floor, they seem to her like shards of her aching soul….  Please Lord give me strength she screams silently, asking for the power to feel strong enough, to stand up on her own again.  She has faith to ask God for help, to look up in prayer when everything else would turn her down.  When none of those passing can give their hands to help her up, only God is willing to do that. 

She knows that all those who came her way may be good people, but still they turned, to become a pain in her life, turned now into illusion.  The love she gave taken for granted, the friends she trusted have left her alone with doubt, and those who passed away have left her with a dead heart and a soul in pain, turning her days into black.  So many questions she asks herself.  Asking why?  Such an easy and short word, but the answer is so complicated and hard.  Walking slowly with breaking steps, she’s too young to feel old this way.  She’s full of life, so why is she’s dying silently everyday?  What makes her switch on the light in the middle of the day, when the sun is shining and warm? She lives in the light but sees nothing but darkness, she has her own world no one else can enter, to be there to share her pain.  All she sees is darkness, opening her eyes or closing them, it’s all the same.  Who should she blame that the light has left her life?  Who would take her hand and walk slowly with her, who can show her the way.  Who would be brave enough, kind enough, to make her feel safe?  She tries through her faith to light her way, she asks for God’s help in all the ways she knows. She has none beside her except God and her faith.

She’s a young woman who was surrounded by big numbers of friends, but started to lose them one by one until she ended up alone.  She has memories that she keeps of things she can’t feel or see any more.  The breeze touching her face, the flowers and the trees playing in breeze, the giggling of kids and their innocent faces.  Recalling them makes her feel a little alive, but all that she hears is a killing silence that she fears.  She can feel the happiness of other women with their children and their men when they are pass her by, but yet she can’t dare to wish to have a family and kids too.  It’s spring time and the sun is shining outside, she touches her lips making sure she’s smiling, heads to her closet to try to figure out which colorful dress to wear, picking her blue dress, she never looks at her mirror.  Standing on her balcony she tries to be strong, a passing neighbor tells her she looks good today, she smiles, forgets herself and goes to see herself in the mirror, all she sees is black.  Her soulful eyes fill with tears, ruining her make up, she breaks down on the floor, and breaks another mirror, it’s not her mirrors fault.

Darkness is covering her life.  There is only her faith left now to light up her way.  She searches again and again through her faith to re-find her security and joy.  She’s a blind woman fighting every day to find her way back to happiness.  In the past she was a happy girl full of life.  They all see her as the girl in the ever-changing colourful dresses, she has her own world.  In her sight everything has changed, she has forgotten the sensation of being happy, she accepts the bitter fact, she’s a woman in black.

 Jinan

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May 25, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Nature, others, outsiders, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Violence, Words, youth | 11 Comments

One Last Chance


For the young guy Jason, nothing would be the same, losing the only girl he loved is a fact he has to accept. Through the years since he had met her, she had been like a soft breeze who made his life different in a good way.  After suffering from very painful issues through the years, she was like almost the breath he takes, meeting her had been the only thing to make him forget his grief…  But like every guy, he had a dream to achieve, and he wanted to achieve that dream, regardless of who will lose on his way to reaching that success.  He lost his track, the company he kept, the places that hold nothing but sins, he was losing the meaning of his life, he was losing the person he loved most.

Achieving his dream became nothing but an excuse to do whatever he wanted to do, to run from himself and forget.  From what he had been through since he lost his dad when he was a little baby.  His father left his mother and him before he got to know him.  And when he got used to the presence of the man who took his father’s place in his life, just when he started calling him dad, his step-father passed away.  To Jason, that felt like losing his real dad, and left him in a lot of pain.  Between knowing that his real father was still alive, but also feeling the grief of losing the person who taught him the real meaning of fatherhood, Jason was living his life searching for something he thought he would never find.

He was searching for himself.  The challenges he faced, the questions without answer he used to ask were to satisfy his curiosity. He was the guy with a big heart trying to find the lost part himself. Singing and playing music was the only things that helped him to find peace in the world.  Since he was seven years old he had dreamed of being a singer one day.  Even when he grew up that thought never left his mind.  But life always has something to surprise him, and when he was twenty his mother passed away, leaving her young guy in the middle of nowhere.  She was the one who supported him, she was his shoulder to cry on.  She raised him in a great way and used to encourage him to chase his dream. Losing his mother would lead Jason onto the wrong track.  Though his friends were there for him, his mother’s loss blinded his eyes and his soul and he lost his faith in everything.  Losing his faith drove him into many sins, he turned his back on his good friends and never wanted to hear from them. Even the girl who he loved, he was blind enough to break her heart.  He was living in denial.  Denying himself, his friends, his faith, he was moving slowly into a long dark tunnel without even noticing it.  As the years passed, Jason walked deeper and deeper in the darkness.  He was attracted to it, through his mourning for the loss of his mom, for his step-dad, and even for the first loss he had before he recognized that he had, his real dad.  Life was a battle for Jason, achieving his dream took him in a wrong direction, and in achieving it he also achieved everything he never wanted. 

But a wake-up call was sent to him and he opened his eyes to the bitter facts.  He didn’t only lose his family, he had also lost himself.  He looked around at the people who entered his life and have a bad affect on his behavior.  Though he used to feel relief when he prayed, he started to fear God due to all the mistakes he had made.  He had been lost for many years, but now once again his mother’s spirit surrounded him, and woke him up before he was drawn any further into this darkness he had put himself in.  Jason opened his eyes to see that everyone who mattered had left him and he was alone.  Trying to sing, but it was all sad songs, he gave up on his music dream.  And he turned to chase the one who he had let go, he wanted to return to the only real person he loved backin his past , even if she was now little more for him than a dream….

For Jason, waking as if after he had slept for years, not only was his head heavy and aching, but even his soul.  He felt that he filled it with sins, and filled his girl’s heart with agony and wounds. He recalled all the chances he missed, recollecting all the photos that held both of them, he missed being with her.  Running back to her, hoping to have another chance, he called her name but she ignored him.  He visited her, and although she opened the door she considered him a stranger… His tears were pouring asking for forgiveness, but her heart was frozen due to the wounds he had caused.  With those wounds still wide open, she couldn’t give him one last chance, she couldn’t even bear to touch his hand.  What did I do to the girl I loved the most he tried to recall, but refreshing his memory made him feel guilty for the love he had pushed away.  Nothing good was left in his life, blaming himself, crying all the time, even the dream he held since he was little boy had let him down. He thought that singing was the thing that he most wanted to do, however, he stepped on everyone’s who cared for him just to achieve his dream. Between all his losses, he had, he lost himself too.  He had let other’s down, he disappointed them when they were ready to do anything to stand by his side. 

He had pushed them all away, and now he had to stand up alone, trying to get to his faith back, and trying to rebuild his life.  Sitting on his sofa, holding his guitar and singing his sad songs about himself, imagining his life as a movie that can never be happy one.  The images he has in his mind are ones that were never captured on camera, those are the most valuable images, of those he loved the most, but who he is now sitting alone without.  It’s not easy to be away from someone who filled your life with love, the emptiness it leaves is painful.  Jason tried his best to ask his girl to give him one last chance, but all she gave him was a reflection of the way he had treated her.  It’s hard to keep chasing someone when they are running away and that was what was happening with his girl.  You get tired, and they would keep chasing their grievances from the past.  It is so hard after losing your faith and taking the wrong track, to find those who you crushed because of your blindness, are still alive but there is no way for you to return to them.  And that’s what Jason felt, that though she was still there breathing, inwardly she was dead.  He had killed the love himself, he couldn’t blame her, but he missed her.  After all the chances he had missed and all the warm feelings she had showed him. He had always neglected them, for some reason, for many reasons…

He waited and hoped for a last chance to show her that he had changed. But whenever he met her and felt her hands like ice, no feelings appeared in her eyes… He stood there in silence watching her taking another step away from him, every step causing a new wound in his heart. It doesn’t matter now for her, but for him he’s dying silently and begging the Lord for a miracle to make her turn back, look at him and give him one last chance. She never did, and he gave up asking for her forgiveness, what was broken can never be rebuild again.  Things could never be the same, there would always be a scar to remind them, there would always be tears shed when recalling the reason for this scar….  Just like when we see the sun disappearing behind the sea, we miss the moment when we take their love for granted, when we do the things that hurt them and push them away, it never occurs to us until we watch them fading away, only then we know how much they means to us.  It is our decision to lose those we love, but we watch them leaving and only then realize we are left with just the darkness and the night….

Jason realized how he let his losses affect his life, by trying to forget the loss of his mother he had suffered other losses, the only girl he loved and who will never be back to his life, and himself too.  So he gathered the pieces of his broken heart.  He knew the mistakes he made and learned a lot from them.  He doesn’t want to ask anyone to give him a chance anymore.  He’s a new guy now, working on himself to be better person.  Though the scars will always be there, though the tears will always flow when he misses her, it was his choice and he’s paying the price for making them.  Playing his guitar and singing to entertain himself, he’s back on the right track now.  He’s now aware, more than ever, he won’t ask anyone for another chance to forgive him.  If people don’t want to see that he deserves it, then let it be.  As for him, he will give himself one last chance, because he knows he deserves it.  People make mistakes but the most important thing is that you know you are on the wrong track and get back to right one.  If you apologize for what you did, that is the first step on your way to change.  If they don’t accept your apology, never beg others to give you a chance.

You are the one who deserves it, allow yourself to have it, especially if you have only One Last Chance…

  Jinan

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May 14, 2011 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words, youth | 7 Comments

To My Daughter With Love…


Every morning with the sunrise, a new pain starts in someone’s life, a new hope is renewed in someone’s eyes, fighting to live, or fighting to give.  Give the person who needs them, the caring and the love they are lacking…

Sarah lives in the city now, has to learn to deal with this kind of life.  Where the time passes so fast, people running to get early to work, as if they are chasing time. She comes from a village, a place in the mountains where everything is calm and quiet. Where all the people know each other and care for each other, even if they are in a hurry.  They have the time to look at the person who’s passing them by and say good morning.  But from now on, she has to get used to the city life, for the sake of her angel…. As usual, every morning she drinks her coffee rapidly, gets dressed, takes her flowers and runs rapidly so to never miss her morning customer.

It’s true she has all the day to sell her flowers, but looking at this one persons eyes in the morning making her rich, not financially, but emotionally…. Those eyes fill her heart with happiness, and her day with security.  “Good morning madam”, this the voice she waits to hear every morning.  She looks back at that girl and says, “Good morning to you young lady, here’s your flower”.  With a shining smile the young girl takes her flower and gives the dollar to the flower seller.  “Thank you, your flowers fill my days with a warm perfume”. With a little cute wink from that girl’s eyes, the lady’s day is as perfect. Selling that one flower to a stranger allows her to gain not just a dollar but also a smile that will never leave her face the whole day…  In her room she has a big diary, where she writes the date and details of that first flower that she sells each day.  Beside every flower, she writes what exactly she saw in the girl’s eyes, what she felt when she saw her, and how much she is grateful that she met her that day.

Sarah doesn’t have friends, those she had are all back in the town she left, where nobody knows for what reason she left.  She went to search for someone who brings happiness to her life, for someone to give a reason for her to live after she had given up on living.

Sarah’s story began when she married a young rich man from the city.  He was a very gentle and wise man who came to her town to visit his cousin.  The cousin was Sarah’s friend, but she never thought that one day this would end up in love.  But this is how things go sometimes, and over the course of many visits to the town, love grew strong between Sarah and Ethan, until one day they decided to get married.  Her family had their concerns about the marriage, Ethan was a person from an upper class family and Sarah’s family were very normal.  They were afraid that this class difference would have effects for Sarah’s future happiness.  But when these fears were exposed to Ethan, he assured her that these were illusions and nothing was going to happen, he would buy a property in Sarah’s town so they could live in peace.

After two years they had a baby girl, Emma.  The baby filled their life with happiness, and for several more years Sarah’s life with her husband was wonderful. Love, laughter, amazing moments to remember forever, and Emma’s presence adding so much fascinating happiness to their days.  Until one day, Ethan went on a business trip and never come back.  The train he was on crashed and he with hundreds of other people died. Emma was only 3 years old, and for Sarah all her years burned in front of her eyes. She felt she’s been left alone, Ethan was her whole world, she felt like a stranger in the world.  Though her family and her friends were all around her, she could never feel any connection to them.  A couple of months later, Ethan’s brother showed up asking to take Emma to raise her in the city with his parents. Ethan’s family were against his marriage to Sarah, but Ethan had left them all in shock by moving to marry the small town girl who had captured his heart. Sarah tried to resist, to keep her daughter with her, but the powerful have ways and they took Emma away.  Since that moment Sarah never knew anything about her daughter. The years went by, and with every year a piece of Sarah’s heart were dying. Only the memory of her husband was left, and of Emma’s laughter, that she seemed to hear all the time…

As the years passed by she changed into another person, shaped by the tears and the pain, by memories of her angel’s giggles and her husband waving with his last smile on his face.  Until one day, Sarah received a letter from a friend of Ethan’s, a letter with Emma’s address. Sarah couldn’t believe that after 18 years she might see her daughter. She packed her up her life in a suitcase and went to the city.  Challenged by everything, a community that she was unused to living with, strange people she didn’t know how to talk to…  The first thing she did was search for Emma’s address and try to think of an excuse to talk to her.  The photos that were sent in the letter showed how pretty and wealthy Emma was.  Her grand parents took care of her it seemed, but not enough, since they raised her away from her mother.  Standing on the street facing Emma’s apartment, Sarah waited for Emma to leave her place. 

Then as if from nowhere a beautiful lady walked out the gate, talking on her phone. Sarah looked at the photo she’s holding tightly between her hands, so tense as if she was afraid she would drop it.  Sarah compared it with the girl and the tears ran down her face, that was Emma, that was her daughter.  She wanted to run towards her and hold her so tight, but she couldn’t.  Her baby girl is there grown up to become a pretty lady.  Sarah felt as if she was safe again, with a new reason to live, and a new reason to love her life.  She rented a small room and with time she collected information about her daughter’s life.  And with everything she needed to know she was ready, set herself up to sell flowers.

Sarah’s first day of selling flowers started when she stood near where Emma waited for her driver to take her to the university.  With weak steps she got near to Emma and said, “a red flower every morning will fill your day with warm perfume and add smiles to your face pretty lady”.  Emma turned around and looked at the woman’s eyes, with a shining smile she said “Sure, why not. Are you new here?”  Sarah felt like her heart was stopping, not sure if it was from happiness that she was standing in front of her daughter after 18 years, or sadness from missing all these days watching her growing up.  Sarah wanted to tell her that she was new in this place, but not new in Emma’s life.  She wanted to tell her that she was the one who had given birth to her, but she gathered herself and said, “Yes, I’m new in this place, I’m trying to sell my flowers, but not all people are interested in buying flowers”. Emma smiled and said, “Well, now you have got a new customer, what about if I meet you every morning in this place to buy a red flower?”   With a little wink Emma added, “And don’t you dare to miss this appointment ok ma’am?” That little cute wink, her dad used to make it.  Lord help me, Sarah felt drained and about to pass out, it was almost too much to handle.  But yet she thanked God for finding her angel again. “Ok” Sarah said, “How can I miss looking at such an angelic face like yours young lady?”  Emma wished Sarah a happy day as she left.

For the next several years, Sarah had a reason to wake up and live every morning. Emma graduated from her university and started her own work, and Sarah followed all Emma’s news.  Due to the trust they built they became quite close.  But that friendship never crossed that corner in the street, the place where for Sarah the whole world turned around.  Standing in the cold to sell flowers wasn’t easy though, Sarah’s health started to get bad and she got a lung infection.  Her face started to look ill and under her eyes there were black circles, which showed how tired she was getting day after day.  Emma used to check on her and offer to take her to the Doctor, but Sarah didn’t want to, all she used to say was “I’m fine, I don’t feel any pain”.  Sarah was afraid to miss a day of seeing her angel’s face in the morning, and she would convince herself and her daughter that she was fine.

One day Emma came to the place to buy her flower as usual, but she couldn’t find Sarah.  She was worried about her, standing in the middle of the street looking left and right, trying to find someone to ask about the flower seller.  A man asked her “Are you looking for your friend?” Emma turned quickly and really concerned replied “Yes, have you seen her today?”  He said “Unfortunately, we found her this morning lying in the street, I think they took her to ER”.  Emma interrupted him and asked, “do you know where she lives?”  The man was surprised,  “You don’t know where she lives?”  Emma replied “No, she never told me”.  The man smiled, and said “in a little room under the stairs”…  Emma was shocked.  She went to check the room, the door was unlock, the room had one bathroom, but not even a kitchen.  When she stepped into the room she stood powerless, not believing what she was looking at…  Photos of her from when she was a little baby, but she never had photos when she was that age.  She saw Sarah’s diary where she had written alongside every flower she had sold Emma, how she had felt to see her Angel’s eyes.  In the drawer she even found the letter that had caused Sarah to move to the city.  Emma couldn’t believe it, she recalled how every year on mother’s day Sarah used to say, “Here this is another red flower for your mom on her day”.  Emma used to reply, “Thank you but my mother died when I was a little girl, my grand parents raised me”.  Emma recalled that she used to see tears in Sarah’s eyes, she though she was feeling Emma’s loss and pain.  Then Sarah used to give her an extra flower and said, “Take this for free, but in water as if you are buying it for your mom and you are going to see her tomorrow, she will feel your love”.

Emma stayed in shock for hours, crying, and not know what to do.  Having doubts, and yet no doubt, at the reality of Sarah revealed, her real mom.  Running to the ER to see her mother, she saw her lying in the bed without any movement, without any breath.  Another visitor had reached this the place before Emma. Death!  Emma stood there in a silence, not only her heart was breaking, she felt her soul was aching too.  A voice cut her thoughts and the silence, “Do you know this woman?”  Emma replied  “Yes, she’s my mother”. The nurse handing Emma a letter said, “She gave me this letter with this photo and asked me to give it to her daughter when she comes”.  Emma took the letter with shivering hands and started reading…

To my daughter with love…

I never knew real happiness until you came to my life, you decorated my days with your angelic smile, I never knew how to deal with death, how to die every day in a new way, until they took you away from me, and then I never knew how to come back to life again until I met you again after 18 years.

I know when you read this letter I’ll be gone, I know you have so many questions to ask.  I came to the city searching for you.  The room I rented faced your room.  It’s a tiny room but through that window that faced your apartment I used to feel that I’m living in a castle, and looking through it’s window to my real world, you.

I convinced you to buy a red flower every day from me because it would bring warm smiles to your days.  I was selfish to ask this, I wanted these smiles so much after I lost them so many long years ago. It was you giving me those smiles, it was looking at your eyes, that gave me the courage to keep on living.

Don’t cry after me, I’ll be always near.  Sometimes life gives us a reason to cry and sometimes a reason to smile.  Life gave me reason to cry for long years, but you my precious daughter are the reason to make me smile.  Even at this moment while I am close to death…

 Jinan

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April 26, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, Canada, childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words, youth | 11 Comments