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Mother’s Day


In her eyes you can read the words she keeps unspoken and in her heart you can feel the pain through a wound that is left unhealed. You can tell her that everything is going to be fine, you can tell her any lie just to make her feel good but she’s not blind, she knows what she feels is real…

A mother that lost her young boy in a war. She missed him coming through the door, on this day. She missed his hug, his laughter in place, when he used to scream “Happy Mother’s Day to my wonderful mom” and continue saying in a funny way, “I’m the luckiest guy on earth to have a mother like you. Seriously mom look at me, you brought someone like me into this life, that defines how amazing you are” and the laughter used to increase and her prayer for him too..

But, today she’s searching for her wonderful man, who used to fill the house with joy, but she can’t find him, she checks his room, his photos … She recalls the memories since he was a little boy, what he used to say with his gift, but the thing she remembers most is that he never forgets to say “I can’t imagine living in this life for one day without you mom”… These words killed her and every time she recalls them, she mumbles: “Who says I can? Daily, you are taking me from this life hundreds and hundreds of times at night…”

He is in a better place, that’s what his sisters tells her when she talks about him and cries. All these words that have been said to turn off the fire in her heart, are not working, because her heart is still wounded, missing her only son who used to make her the happiest mother on Mother’s Day and every day!

War. This monster that kidnaps soldiers in war, steals them from their mother’s lap, to break their hearts into millions of pieces. What would their mothers say on Mother’s Day? What would she feel while her heart never stops bleeding, missing her son who left one day without having a chance to say what he wants to say; maybe he thought he would come back home safe, maybe he never thought that his life will end there. It doesn’t matter what he thought, what matters is that he is not here anymore….

Years goes by, and the silent pain grows in the her heart, but the only day that her soul aches more than ever is on Mother’s Day. Maybe she envies the mothers who have never lost a son or maybe it’s only a wish that turns to a nightmare if only he visits her today…

She is the mother that is living her life in the memory of her son, her hero … All her other children are still around her. She gets the gifts, she gets the flowers and they all hold her on this special day like every day with tenderness and love… but through their laughter and warm hugs, her eyes are staring at the door.. she is still waiting with her pain that kills, missing her precious son and to feel how wonderful she is for bringing such a wonderful son like him into the world. But the feeling will never be felt again the day he left world, and the echo still comes to hear ears: “Happy Mother’s Day to the most wonderful mom on earth..”

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March 23, 2013 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, photos, Promises, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, silence, Smile, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, Wars, Words | 3 Comments

The Day He Left


  It was a moment, when my world collapsed in front of my eyes, I stood there paralyzed.. Couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.. In less than a moment, the laughter turned into screams.. My eyes were suddenly full of tears. I was lost in my place, didn’t know what to do. I was supposed to be preparing myself to leave home, but instead I was searching the rooms for nothing, searching for no one, trying to deal with what I heard turned in a moment my whole world. My grandpa passed away which shocked me since he was in good health. He left without any warning.. I wondered why the people we love the most all leave this life without having the chance to say goodbye..  On my way to my grandparents’ place, I kept on thinking of his smiling face; doubting myself to stand that heavy heart of mine and all the sorrow that just landed in my soul. My grandfather was a very special person.. Since the moment I opened my eyes on this life, I’ve never seen a frown on his face. His smile was a great part of his life. On my way to my grandparents’ place, memories of all the good days I shared with him since I was a little girl till the day he left were coming so fast on my mind. We were about to arrive to the place, but something inside of me was wishing for the first time to never reach the place. When we got near the house, I looked as usual at the place where I used to see him sitting under the apricot tree, I used to tell my brother “Look at my grandpa. He’s under the tree”, and he used to smile and wave for us before the car entered to the place and park. The first thing we used to do is head towards him, give him a hug and joke a little. Then we’d go and see my grandma. But today the moment I saw the apricot tree from distance, it was a bitter fact that his presence wasn’t there anymore. I couldn’t stand not seeing him there with his wonderful smile again. We got to the place; many cars were there; I crossed the road looking at the empty chair he left thinking something so precious was missing here. He’s not here anymore to decorate this place with his presence. It’s the first time I visit this place with tears. I kept convincing myself that he might be sleeping inside, I wanted to think that by the very short steps I’d take till I get to the door, he would be alive. The women I saw sitting on the balcony didn’t really give me the chance to lie at myself more, they were all sitting in silent wearing black, my world at that moment stopped, my heart was so heavy, I used to run to the door calling grand mom or grandpa, but now I can’t run. I felt like I needed a power to take me away from this place, I screamed from pain and fear, I asked the women about him, where is my grandpa? I just wanted one of them to say “Sitting in his room” but they never said that, everyone was crying, everyone was in a shock, he was at good health but his time in this life ended.

Next day in the funeral, I saw him for the last time. He was lying there as if he’s sleeping; I kept staring at him begging him silently to get up. My soul was aching.. It was a different kind of pain, never felt it before. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, I wanted to my eyes grow his image in my mind more and more. When it’s time to take him away, a piece of my heart went with him when he disappeared, for the words I screamed I wished if he had heard me, for the tears I cried to see his smile again, I spent years with my grandpa, he was spreading the laughter and the joy to my life but I never knew that in one day he will take them with him when he leaves this life. 

  We’d never think that our loved ones would leave us someday, maybe because when we look for them we always find them where we expect them to be. We feel that if we left them even for months and years, we’ll eventually find them there waiting for us. But when they leave us, it’s not their choice to leave without saying goodbye to their loved ones. We know how much their presence in our life was important more than anything. The little words they used to say, the way they used to look.. It all comes back to our mind.. We start to search for the very little memory we shared because it turns into a treasure, the more we recalled them, the more we become richer by adding their memories to our days. 
    I still see my grandpa everywhere, with smile upon his lips, and the light of love always shining from his eyes. Since I was a little girl and till the day he left, I’ve never seen him angry. He had a beautiful soul.. He was so lovable.. Even though he has left this world, his presence remains everywhere. It was not easy losing someone who was a great part of my life. Suddenly he left with so many memories to remain. I miss him so much though he left two weeks ago, but I’m feeling as if it has been a decade. Now I go to his place, I see emptiness everywhere, the chair he left under the apricot tree, his wonderful smile he used to welcome us when we arrive, his seat in the living room, his room, his books, his stick.. I forget sometimes that he’s not there, I expect him to enter the room, I hear sometimes his light footsteps walking in the corner.. I still smile when I recall his jokes and his words.. And every time it was time to leave his place he used to say “Where are you going? Stay for one more day or two. It’s early to leave, my daughter”. These days when I look at his pictures I say:” I’m still here grandpa, see? I didn’t go anywhere. You are the one who left me.” 
When death takes away those we love the most, we discover the new personality that was hidden inside of us. Some might find out that they are stronger than they were thinking, some people might find out how weak they are no matter how much they think they are strong. It’s not about weakness or strength, it’s about how ready we are to accept the loss.. We do have faith to accept it, we do believe that we are leaving this life sooner or later ,but it’s about the emptiness they leave behind them, the places that no one will fill after them. It’s so hard to deal with the idea of losing someone, because where ever we might go we see them in these places without having the ability to touch them or hug them, we will always be hearing their voices. We feel like they are so close to us but also so far away.. This is the feeling that makes us suffer, this is the feeling that makes us lose our minds and search for those who just left life from moment we go scream searching for them and asking people if they had seen them.. But deep inside we know they left us, no one will ever see them again.. 
  

   Jinan

January 9, 2011 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Grandfather, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Nature, others, Parents, Past, Peace, photos, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words, youth | 17 Comments

Mount Lebanon


June 9, 2010 Posted by | Lebanon, Middle East, Nature, Photography, photos, Photos About My Country Lebanon, Weather | 10 Comments