Jinan Zeidan's Blog

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The Release Of My First Book


Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000478132/Let-Them-Go-With-A-Smile.aspx

December 22, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Grandfather, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, Nature, news, others, outsiders, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Politics, Poverty, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Technology, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words, youth | 3 Comments

The Killing Loop


“Yes, I’m his father”. With head bowed down and his words come with a breeze of shivering, showing that he already expected to hear what that man is coming to say.  The Officer went ahead with his talking, saying “we found his body beside your wife’s grave after we received a phone call, we are sorry to bring you such sad news sir”.  He stood in a killing silence for minutes, wishing it’s a nightmare, he can’t stand on his legs any more, his knees felt so weak. The room seems so dark though it’s only just past noon and the sun’s shining.  Spring was carrying a promise of days filled with happiness and so many plans to share with his 19 years old son Dani, but the news he just heard will carry nothing but cloudy days with endless sadness…

Heading to the hospital is the longest ride he ever drove. He felt like the road is getting longer, though the distance between his place and the hospital is only 15 minutes.  He recalled the times he brought his son to this same hospital two years ago with his wife, who passed away after suffering from cancer.  They had only had the one son, Dani, and he was the world to both of them. But now he feels so apart from the world, he’s driving not sure if he’s taking the right road, can’t figure out if the track will lead him to the hospital to see his son for the last time, or to his wife’s grave to tell her how much he needs and misses her presence in that moment…. 

After he reaches the hospital, his weak steps want to pull him back, he wants any excuse to get back into the car.  He is scared about the coming moment, the moment that will reveal to him the cause of the death.  Although he’s sure what was behind it, still he never expect that things would end up in this painful way…. 

“Sorry for your loss”  the doctor says as he entered the room, but the father interrupts him, asking “what’s the cause of death?” “Overdose” the doctor replied… “we found a trace from drug needles in his hands, your son was a drug addicts and it seems he reached to the highest level”.  The father collapsed crying, feeling he was accusing himself of killing his son, saying “I never wanted to read the signs.”  But now the signs of Dani’s death would be in front of his eyes for the rest of his life, every time he visits his sons grave. “RIP Dani..”

Dani lost his mother when he was aged 17 years, at the age where he needs caring and loving people in hi life.  After he suffered seeing his mother fighting with cancer for more than a year, he lost his mom, but in an indirect way he lost his dad too.  For his dad was drowning in agony, his wife’s illness affecting his life, and he forgot that he had a son who needed him and feeling the same bitter pain from losing his mother.  With days their life changed, Dani used to come back home from school and see his mom in the kitchen preparing his food, waking him up in the morning, taking him to school if he’s late to catch his bus… After she was diagnosed with cancer she never changed her caring treatment towards her son and husband, not until the disease progressed too far and she got really tired… When his mother passed away, for Dani there was no need to be home after school, especially when his father was not there anymore too. Even if his father was there in body, in his mind he was with his wife.  For Dani it meant he lost both his mom and his dad…. 

Dani started to hang out more than he should have been allowed to, at age 18 he had his first beer, then he started to party with guys he met in the bars and in the streets, he got involved more and more with them.  He felt much better when there was something distracting him from feeling lonely, and his pain he lived in after his mom’s passed away…  He used to obey his parents to be at home before midnight, now spending the night out was a normal thing to him, he didn’t have to sneak back to his bed, he simply returned through the main door of the house.  He knew his Dad was asleep, and his mom was no longer alive to keep up waiting and worry for him… Though there was no rules to follow, he missed fighting with his mom about coming late home.  He missed her presence, he used to think that she’s going to be waiting for me tonight, but she never was…. With his father careless towards him, Dani was drowning, and after every visit to his mom’s grave he was falling… falling apart from the reality of who he used to be… Until one of his friends recommended marijuana and he felt happy at experiencing something new in his life.  But from marijuana things progressed to new kinds of drugs.  When he started on heroin though, he faced difficulties to provide money, so he was stealing and making deals with the drug suppliers, to set up with new teenagers and buy them drugs… 

His dad noticed that something was changing with his son, but he never gave enough attention, he just thought it was all about partying and getting drunk.  He noticed that his son’s temper was getting bad, but he thought it was from missing his mom that was making this change in his personality… He had never used to fight with his son, but now every day brought a new reason to fight. They used to hold each others hands when mom was alive, and pray before they have their lunch or dinner, now his dad never touch his son’s hand simply because they don’t sit at the same table anymore… The street life were taking Dani away from his home, the drugs were making him forget about who he used to be, and all the plans he had for his future faded away.  The happy life he used to live had become a nightmare, his mom was gone and his dad was still alive, but it was as if he had passed away too…

The last talk Dani had with his father  was actually a fight, a big fight.  He left home and never come back again for days. His dad saw by accident the marks on Dani’s hands, the needle track’s. He was worried that his son was using drugs.  He wanted to contact a treatment center to send his son to, to help his son to clean his body from this poison… He went to his son’s room, he tried to find something that would tell him that maybe he was wrong, but all the things that belonged to his son were missing… For three days he though and hoped his son was just spending time at a friend’s place and he would come get back home as usual.  He was wrong, when he opened the door to an Officer instead of opening it to welcome his son, he knew that Dani would never step into this home again, that he was alone in this place….

Drug abuse – there are so many reason that lead guys, especially teenagers, to fall into this trap.  Family problems, violence, divorce that affect the children, lacking for caring and love, etc.. Boys/girls can try to find something to help them forget their problems, the fake happiness that can be waiting for them in any place they go; school, street, party, trip etc.  The noose is ready to surround their life and kill them in any moment they lose faith and hope to save themselves…  Some people start their addiction through painkillers, and they get involve without even thinking it might lead them to be drug addictions. Once they accept the first cigarette that contain drugs they are putting the rope around their neck.  The more they get involve the more that killing loop tightens on their life, the higher they get the closer they are getting to death, until the moment comes when the loop get so tight they can’t breath, or even scream for help….

Dani’s father stood by his son’s grave after the funeral, knowing how much he had ignored his son after his wife was gone…  He thinks of his son and the times they spent together, the laughter they had, but all those memories he recalls were two years ago.  He feels as if he has never seen him since he last saw his wife.  His son was in front of him all the time but they never shared anything after mother passed away…  Now he needs his son.  He cries for them both, he feels guilty and collapses on the grass… He asks his son to forgive him for the times he didn’t see him though he was standing in front of him.  He apologize for the words he never heard, while he acted as if he did… He knew it’s not Dani’s fault, it was his own.  Dani took the overdose beside his mothers grave, that much he missed her to follow her, that much he was desperate…

Dani’s father never read the signs, though they were so clear to read… But now there is a big sign he will be forced to read every time he visit their graves, and he can do nothing about it..

“RIP Dani, you’ll be missed”…

 Jinan

April 4, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, Nature, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Speak, suicide, Thought, Trust, Violence, Words, youth | 7 Comments

Human Just Like You


“Please stop”. How many people have shouted these words?  And how many others scream it silently on the inside?  When a person forgets that the one they hurt is a human too, the violence can cross the limits and can so easily end in death. How many families are facing this issue? I prefer to name it “disease” or “addiction”, when the human mind stops working, stops thinking, then the path is open to violence in their thoughts. When their brain stops working, from holding them back from beating their victim, they forget who is this person they are looking at, if it’s their mother, their child, their sister or even their wife. They become addicted to beating others.  It may take away all their anger and the stress for them, but puts it all on the wrong person. It’s a disease indeed, it is spread all over the world, and destroys families and lives.

How many women are beaten to death, but no one knows about them? They might have screamed and begged for mercy, and their children might have seen and witnessed what happened to their mother, but what can a child do?  As much as it affects the mother, it will also affect the kids.  Will they be violent with their friends or their own families when they grow up?  Or does the inner injurious they have suffered make them live in fear?   Afraid they cannot protect themselves, will they always consider anyone a danger to their life, because the closest person to them has caused so much damage.  Will they always have the fear to die by violence. When I think about those who are violent to others, firstly I believe they don’t know God, because if they do they would fear to hurt his creatures.  They are hurting someone of flesh and blood, and the bruises they leave on faces and bodies, the bleeding marks, the fear in the eyes, the insecurity they dig into a soul, and the fearful sleepless nights, they become this wild person who might sneak into the room and hit them if they dared to dream and do not stay awake in fear.

Those who cause all this unbearable pain to others don’t know God, or fear him. It is the devil’s work in their soul when their mind stops working, when they stop from thinking wisely and become wild. They have nothing to be grateful for, because if they did they would find peace of mind.  We always think, what if we are in their shoes, and we don’t know what they are going through to act like that, but I can’t even imagine being in their shoes.  The reason it is so hard to know what they are thinking is simply because they are not thinking. Only imagining a child’s eyes begging someone to stop beating them… It makes me wish if I can do anything to stop this violence that is spread all over the world.  Violence has many faces, it’s not only physical, there is also verbal aggression as well, that kind of violence can injure more than physical harm. The words they use to oppress and control is so harsh and ruthless, it could push someone to suicide. Words could harm more than a bullet sometimes.  It plays with people’s mind, leaves them thinking they are nothing, or that they did something bad that they never did. Making others feel guilt for something they never did, can cause the problem to spread. Playing on their distress might make them lose their mind, may drive them to act in a very wrong way.  If they might act in a wrong way with others, then they who are the victim are changed into the criminal without ever thinking about what they are doing.

Many reasons can change people and drive them to be hard to deal with; they lose control of their life, or circumstances force them to face difficulties that show up out of nowhere.  Lately there are economic problems that affect the whole world and leave thousands homeless.  Many others are left without work, this issue can create more violence.  Some have killed their families because they don’t want them to live in poverty, they have just lost hope, and faith of course too.  Because if they had faith they would pray to God help them, but in their situation, the shock they have received, their brain stops working and they took their own life.  Others may become more violent and start to steal to feed their families, they don’t want to, but they have no choice, this kind of people are not dangerous like others, they became violent in a sudden way, under specific conditions, but with time they will be addicted to it.

Also, the people making dangerous weapons and the countries that make deals with each other to gain money; but the price they gain is different from the price that the victim will pay.  Thousands of children’s souls, thousands of families torn apart, thousands of victims still alive but having lost their hands or legs, those who will pay the price are not those who sell the weapons. This kind of violence is the most dangerous, because the one who is violent is a whole country.  This violence never looks in the child’s eyes begging for it to stop, or asking him about his parents who died in the war. To sell weapons and gain money, the more money gained means the more victims will have died without having the chance to know who was behind this. But the one behind this is a person who never knew God, his job is to kill and gain, he’s not concerned about the blood that‘s spreading everywhere, his concern is only to win the game.

Violence has so many faces, it runs at all levels, high and low.  We might find a cure to those who are violent to their families or their friends, but when it comes to those who create wars and kill people without mercy we find ourselves paralyzed.  We can’t do anything but pray that God will light their minds and make them realize that we all are human also, like them…

Whatever the kind of violence that people are facing, the victim is always a person, not a thing. A person that has feelings, a person from flesh and blood.  When you hit someone or beat them, the tears they cry and the words they say to make you stop, and yet you continue beating them without thinking, then the devil’s spirit increases in your soul and mind.  Why can you not stop and think about why they scream, why you feel you want to beat them, why you say words to harm them deeply and leave a painful trace that no one can ever erase.  Look at their eyes, the tears they are crying, try to feel their pain and hear the words they are trying to say every time they raise their hands to cover their face to protect themselves.  There is always words they scream – but you never hear. 

“Please stop. I’m a human just like you!”

  Jinan

January 22, 2011 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Memorial, Memories, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Speak, suicide, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Violence, Wars, Words, youth | 36 Comments

Behind Closing Doors


Have you ever looked deeply in their eyes? There is a hidden message, have you ever read it? Through their silence, did you try to hear their unspoken words? They were screaming for help, have you ever heard them? When they take away their own life, you judge them as bad people or even unstable ones, but who knows what they have been through to reach that level of depression that pushed them to commit suicide? Behind closing doors we never know what’s going on in other’s lives.

People face a tremendous number of troubles, a few prefer to consult a psychologist, and some think that it’s a personal issue no one should interfere with. In the other hand they drown in the troubles. They keep on increasing until they lose control of themselves; they pay the price or the people who are close to them pay the price. Sometimes, the problem may be a very simple one, but it depends on the age of the person. When a 10 year old boy/girl faces a situation of bullying in school, at the same time he/she might have family problems and no one is there to listen to them. That for sure would affect their life, especially with the insecurity they are facing in their home. They would be having difficulties in their study, and also lack of self-esteem. They would think that they are not welcome in this life, instead of having good time in school to forget their problems at home, they are being scared to go there watching everyone destroying them. And when they go back home after school, instead of having a loving family who can help them, they are having a hard time with their parents. For them it is as if they are moving from hell to hell. When those children commit suicide, then everyone would wake up, and start searching for the reasons that lead that child to take away his/her life. They start wondering and recalling how they were always calm; they were polite and never talked in a loud voice. They were obeying, never hurt anyone. At home their parents go to check if there are any obstacles that their child was facing in school, and there they know what was going on with their child, but after what? After they lost them. Where were they when their child was coming back from school with teary eyes? Where were they when they called him/her for lunch and said they prefer to stay in their room? Where were they when their child woke up crying and feeling scared not knowing what to do. They never think of their child until after they lose them. They then remember that they should go and ask about what was happening with their child. This is what I call selfish. When parents want to be selfish, why would they get married? When they don’t want to protect their children with their eyes, why would they have children? If they are immature to solve their troubles with wisdom, why would they involve other lives in theirs?

 We don’t expect a 10 year old child or even 15 years old teen to get what’s going on around them. When it’s too much to handle, especially at this age , they need caring people to keep on watching over them and guiding them to the right track, because even if they passed that phase in their life, they might drown later when they get older. They would be involved in other issues, like: drugs, violence, stealing etc.. If they opened their eyes watching their dad violent with their mom, they would do the same when they get married, and they would consider their actions right, because their dad is their idle. We never know what’s going on behind closing doors. Families face battles, and the silence that covers up, we would explore suddenly with hearing shocking news, and our first thought is: “They looked like a very happy family, what happened to them?” But the truth is, they’ve never been a happy family, their home’s doors were closing all the time, and we never know what was going on there. However, some people love to judge others; it’s in their nature. They never look at the reasons that led to that person to take way his/her life; they always focus on the result.

A little accident happened with me lately. Someone knocked on our door, I opened up and I saw an old man in his early 60’s. He seemed lost, something in his eyes made me wonder at the same moment what’s with that man. He asked me about my dad, I replied that dad is not home. I was about to ask him if he would like to leave a message to dad, he left me talking to myself and turned his back and left. My mom came at that moment and saw me and the expression on my face because of how he left. She asked me: “Who’s that? And what does he want?” I was really shocked and said, “What’s going on with that man? He just left me talking to myself without saying a word of thanks. I was kind of not satisfied about what he did, especially that I was very polite with him. My mother smiled for what happened with me, but in someway, that man stuck on my head. I kept thinking of what was wrong with him, he seemed very lost, his eyes were really teary. I felt something wrong with him and that’s why he was on my mind until a few days ago, I heard that he committed suicide. I was shocked, and recalled the moment I opened the door and saw him standing there lost, as if he’s searching for something. I knew the reason why he left me talking to myself without even saying “Thank you” or if as he’ll come again later. I recognized how much he was not there even when he was there asking about my dad. He wasn’t focusing on what he’s doing or with whom he’s talking. Later on, I knew from others who knew that man that he has tremendous troubles in his family and with his son. I wish I never saw him. I keep wondering why did he give up at this age? He must have been in a very difficult situation through his life, but why would he give up now? He’s supposed to be stronger and wiser to deal with his problems. But then again, I’m not in his shoes to know what was going on with that old man. I keep recalling his teary eyes and wish I could help him. I never knew that people at this age might take away their life too. Now I know more than ever, that no matter how strong the person might be, no matter how happy the person might look, in one moment he might be the weakest, and in one moment he might collapse and break down. 

Never bully a person, you should be thinking that you may be pushing them to end their lives. Never ignore the tears you see in other’s eyes, with one question you ask: “Are you okay? Can I help you?” you may be saving his life by knowing that there is someone ready to open his arms and hold them and stand by them. Always try to make those who feel insecure, feel security. Find a way and show them love and care, you may be helping them to live longer.

Behind closing doors, there is a hidden secret; you can’t break those doors to find the truth. But at least, never judge in a bad way on those who take away their life, or even on those who try to and fail. Ask yourself why didn’t you wipe their tears at least once? Why didn’t you hear them screaming instead of closing your ears? Why didn’t you think to solve their problems when they kept silent? It’s true that their home’s door was closed and you couldn’t do anything to help, but why didn’t you ever take the chance to get close to them when they opened the door and left their home, instead of judging them?

  Jinan

November 28, 2010 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, news, others, outsiders, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Violence, Words, youth | 6 Comments