Sometimes

Sometimes, we feel that we can’t talk, our voice is a prisoner inside us, our soul wants to fly but it’s a prisoner in this life…

Sometimes, we feel we can’t trust people who are really so close to us, so near…
Sometimes we feel we want to block every street so we can head nowhere…
Sometimes, it’s just them not us, whom we really fear meeting there…..

And sometimes, when they ask how we feel. we smile, telling a lie that we are fine, just to push them away…

Jinan

Just Try

Try to see the tears in ones eyes even if they are smiling
Try to see the wounds that are bleeding even if they are trying to heal yours
Try to listen to the words “I need you” even if they hide behind words “I’m fine”…
Try to hold them back to life when they are leaving it inwardly…
Try not to do the things over and over again that you know would cause them pain…
Try to never ignore their presence while they ignore the world for you….
Try to understand that when they quit asking that means they know the truth….
And when the silence covers their days and they feel the urge to walk away not because they want to,
But simply because they miss the old you….

Jinan

Heart Made Of Stone

 

Peaceful moment

You do your best to stay close to them,
They do their best to strongly push you away

You do your best to never refuse anything they ask you
They do their best to show you how bad you are refused

You say yes for everything showing how much you respect them
But you only hear the word NO when you search for YES

You ask for security and peace
But they tear your heart to pieces

You avoid showing your tears in front of them
Pretending you are strong
But they act as if your heart is made of stone

jinan

To Xena With Love…

To Xenaaa with love ….

There is that girl who left months ago
And after that I’m not the same at all…
She used to fill my days with happiness
My eyes lighten up when I see her shiny smile

There was a time when I heard her voice
The echoe plays in my ears
But in my eyes nothing but tears

I keep recalling our times together
The joyful moments, the pranks
The way she feels safe with me
Her secrets that she trusts that I’ll keep.

There is a girl who stole a big part of my heart
And moved to another country
Where I can’t reach her or touch her
I can’t look deeply in her eyes and tell her “she’s my life”

Even though the distance will never change anything
But I’ll always lack the urge to hug her
I’ll always wonder if she’s okay
Or if someone is making her unhappy there

I’ll always be waiting to see her angelic face
There is a part of me missing
There is a continuous pain that will never fade away
Until that precious girl comes home again

Jinan

ps:the photo belongs to Xena not taken from Internet.

So Dear…

It’s not about the tears we shed, it’s about the reasons that are behind them.

It’s not about the attitude we show, it’s about the pain we hide

It’s never easy to say how we feel when our heart is broken inside.

In the silence we drown in the words we feel the urge to say

When the moment of feeling lost covers the heart and we try so hard to understand

What is going on; the truth about what we see, is it real?

The pain in our soul, why is it so deep?

It’s not about them or us, it’s about when we get lost

One word, in one word that they didn’t mean, in one act which was by mistake

Is it a crime to be real and speak your mind ?

It’s not about the distance we create, it’s about the days we miss without listening to a word

It’s a day of feeling lost, real happiness escapes..

It’s not about the confusion that we feel,

It’s all about that no matter what happens they will always be soo dear….

Jinan

Behind The Fire Lines

Behind the fire lines

Are nothing but prayers that cover her fears

But it can’t prevent her tears from falling and drawing hundreds of questions

With the painful one: where is he now?

She knows God is always there for all the people who are fighting for their right

To get their freedom back..

But things get complicated and the image is foggy when blood covers the land

All she hears is people screaming and hearts deeply bleeding

Behind the fire line he’s standing there

Who knows what’s going on?

There, is it a safe place? Or is he not okay?

Thoughts are the big enemy too when they takes us to imagine an anonymous bloody place

Where people went asking for peace and suddenly haters cut them into pieces on the streets

She’s fighting the evil thoughts by praying and trusting God that He will take care of him…

She sleeps every night wishing to see him in her dreams

A dream can heal for once even if reality will slap her on the face

When she wakes up

But at least it will stop the tears for a while ..

Behind the fire lines her heart is burning there trying to search for his face

And her soul is aching while waiting for his return …

Jinan

Mother’s Day

In her eyes you can read the words she keeps unspoken and in her heart you can feel the pain through a wound that is left unhealed. You can tell her that everything is going to be fine, you can tell her any lie just to make her feel good but she’s not blind, she knows what she feels is real…

A mother that lost her young boy in a war. She missed him coming through the door, on this day. She missed his hug, his laughter in place, when he used to scream “Happy Mother’s Day to my wonderful mom” and continue saying in a funny way, “I’m the luckiest guy on earth to have a mother like you. Seriously mom look at me, you brought someone like me into this life, that defines how amazing you are” and the laughter used to increase and her prayer for him too..

But, today she’s searching for her wonderful man, who used to fill the house with joy, but she can’t find him, she checks his room, his photos … She recalls the memories since he was a little boy, what he used to say with his gift, but the thing she remembers most is that he never forgets to say “I can’t imagine living in this life for one day without you mom”… These words killed her and every time she recalls them, she mumbles: “Who says I can? Daily, you are taking me from this life hundreds and hundreds of times at night…”

He is in a better place, that’s what his sisters tells her when she talks about him and cries. All these words that have been said to turn off the fire in her heart, are not working, because her heart is still wounded, missing her only son who used to make her the happiest mother on Mother’s Day and every day!

War. This monster that kidnaps soldiers in war, steals them from their mother’s lap, to break their hearts into millions of pieces. What would their mothers say on Mother’s Day? What would she feel while her heart never stops bleeding, missing her son who left one day without having a chance to say what he wants to say; maybe he thought he would come back home safe, maybe he never thought that his life will end there. It doesn’t matter what he thought, what matters is that he is not here anymore….

Years goes by, and the silent pain grows in the her heart, but the only day that her soul aches more than ever is on Mother’s Day. Maybe she envies the mothers who have never lost a son or maybe it’s only a wish that turns to a nightmare if only he visits her today…

She is the mother that is living her life in the memory of her son, her hero … All her other children are still around her. She gets the gifts, she gets the flowers and they all hold her on this special day like every day with tenderness and love… but through their laughter and warm hugs, her eyes are staring at the door.. she is still waiting with her pain that kills, missing her precious son and to feel how wonderful she is for bringing such a wonderful son like him into the world. But the feeling will never be felt again the day he left world, and the echo still comes to hear ears: “Happy Mother’s Day to the most wonderful mom on earth..”

Dancing With The Devil

After she slammed the door of her room, it was so difficult for her thoughts to take her to a clear place. She sat on her bed recalling the happiest days she spent with her ex Mark, who she just broke up with; but she still couldn’t believe that he was cheating on her. Suzan was still under shock; she wasn’t aware of anything around her, not even the noises that were sneaking into her room that were caused by her siblings. The noises entered the room but not her hearing; she was living in denial for hours, but the only words she was speaking out were: “Oh dear God, I was with the Devil.”

The story started a year ago when Suzan met Mark at a wedding party. Back then, Mark was sitting at the party alone, smoking and drinking a lot. It seems he was in another world, away from all the people who surrounded him. Every time the lights fell on him, his teary eyes were exposed to some friends, but none of them had the ability to ease his pain, or make him talk to forget it. He had been like that for months since his ex left him for no reason. Suzan was also suffering from her ex, but had now moved on after facing tough times. She is now stronger than before, or at least that’s what she thinks. She promised herself that she won’t open her heart to anyone until she finds the right guy who deserves her heart. But destiny had another plan for both of them.

“Excuse me,” Suzan said and continued “would you please stop smoking?” Mark didn’t give her any attention simply because he didn’t hear her. Suzan noticed that, tapped on his shoulder, and said “Are you okay?” Mark gave Suzan a glimpse and then looked back deeply in her eyes and said, “Oh sorry, what did you say?” Suzan smiled and tried to show some sense of humor and said, “I said the weather is nice tonight.” Mark smiled back and then laughed, looking at her with this bright smile and the sound of her laughter made him feel something he couldn’t explain. Mark felt that he wanted to keep on talking to this young pretty lady who showed up out of nowhere. He felt as if he knew her for ages and she felt that his teary eyes hid unspoken words that were killing any trace of happiness on his face, and felt that he was even faking his smile. The party soon ended and his friends were surprised that he spent the last two hours of the party talking to a new girl or at least talking. Mark asked Suzan about her phone number and he gave her his number hoping to see her again.

Days past and the few minutes they spent talking on the phone with each other at the beginning expanded to hours later on. Mark told Suzan about his story: he was in love with a girl who meant the world to him but then she started to ignore his phone calls and never let him meet up with her and he knew later that she was cheating on him. Since then he was changed into another person who was drinking and smoking a lot and who barely ate. He told Suzan that he had lost his real happiness and she noticed that he also lost a lot of weight and looked powerless. These long conversations turned into long meetings between Mark and Suzan. Mark started to have feelings towards Suzan; she was a girl full of passion who has a very caring and lovely heart. She stood beside Mark and helped him return back to his happiness. One day he took her on a ride, “Where are we going?” she asked. He looked at her and said, “To a very nice place.” They reached the place; it was a rocky road and the moment she took a look at the view, she felt dizzy. He parked the car on the edge and the whole town was below. Suzan got out of the car and was amazed by the view. “Wow what a wonderful place”, she said. “I knew you would love it”, he replied. He turned on the Radio and asked her to dance with him; these were the moments that she cherished the most, being with the person who became her world and feeling that she’s being protected from the world are all feelings beyond description. That place on the edge was saving all of Suzan’s happy moments, even though it was scary but it was a secure place in her eyes especially when he took her hand and started to dance. But sometimes living all this happiness has a price that one of them will pay…

With days, Suzan noticed that Mark’s behavior was changing. She was asking him constantly if there was anything going on with him and he always replied with “I’m fine but it’s work that’s distracting me from you. I’ll make it up to you, I promise”. One day Mark forgot he was supposed to meet her and she was waiting for him but he never even called to apologize for not showing up. Suzan had her own concerns and she exposed them to Mark and said, “Are you back with your Ex, Mark?” He gave her a quick glimpse and looked away and answered, “Are you insane? I would never get back with someone who betrayed me.”Suzan looked at him and asked again “Okay then, do you have another new girl in your life? If you do, please let me know and I will leave you but don’t lie to me.” Mark was very angry and he gave her a bad attitude by saying, “If you are trying to find an excuse to leave me  because you have someone new, go ahead and let me know.” His words entered her heart like a knife, especially that she was leaving the country for a month, and she didn’t feel that he would miss her. She felt that he couldn’t wait until she left and now he said these poisoned words that made her feel  that this relationship will die soon; something wrong was going on and it was not her fault at all. She asked him to take her back home, but after he apologized for losing his temper, he didn’t forget to turn on the music and dance. However, this time she couldn’t feel secure while he’s holding her; she wanted the music to stop to have an excuse to stay away from him. She felt his lies just by him looking in her eyes and his hands were so cold and so was his heart because when he said “I love you”, she couldn’t say anything back. She couldn’t say something she didn’t feel at the moment, but instead she said, “I’m going to miss you”. On their way back to her place he said, “All I want you to do is to be happy and enjoy your vacation honey. I want you to be happy, don’t think of me or anything just think of yourself and be happy”. She looked at him and asked, “How could I not think of you?” He smiled and replied, “Because I want you to be happy.”

Suzan left her country to California to spend a month with her relatives, but Mark’s last words were still in her ears. She was so confused and so lost. After she arrived, she kept receiving emails from Mark but only for one week. After that, Mark never replied her emails, and her vacation turned into a sort of jail. She was supposed to enjoy her time and the only thing he asked her to do is to have fun and go out, but with his strange behavior she felt as if she was a prisoner of her painful doubts. Three weeks passed and Suzan called Mark because she was so worried. He answered the phone in a very cold manner that made her think she dialed the wrong number. However, the voice was Mark’s and after a short conversation between them, Suzan asked him why he never replied to her last messages and he replied, “Suzan, honey I’m working here, I have lot of work, and I’m facing a lot of problems at work.” Suzan never said anything except when he asked her when she’s coming back and she told him next week. She was spending her time on the beach that day and after she hung up, she looked at the sea and the angry waves that were breaking on her feet. She cried a lot because she was so wounded and scared.  On her way back home, Suzan spent hours crying on the plane; she had not enjoyed her trip. All she wanted to do is to arrive home and end everything with Mark. But as usual, he never agreed when she told him they should break up; his fake excuses showed up every time saying, ”I was so busy honey, you know things are going at work. I’m sorry if I gave you a hard time”. But Suzan asked him again, “Are you back with your ex? Listen if there is a new girl, even if your ex is back, you can still tell me I will help you to get back to her but don’t ever lie tome or even betray me Mark. All your actions show that you don’t care anymore and I don’t want to be with a person where I will be last in his life. You changed a lot Mark; you are a very different person now”. She looked away trying to hide her tears and continued, “All you asked for me is to be happy but with your behavior you ruined my happiness. I didn’t enjoy my vacation.” Mark held her tight and she could hear his heart beating as if his heart will pop out of his chest and said, “I’m really sorry you are an angel to stand me all this time.”

Doubts started to turn out to be facts in Suzan’s eyes. The more she found out lies about him, the more she felt something was missing in her heart. He always denied that he has anyone in his life but her hunch always told her that he has another one and not just anyone but his Ex specifically. When we have doubts, we feel the pain of not knowing the truth, and when we have a hunch, our heart aches for not believing what people try to tell us.  However, when the truth is finally exposed in front of us, our heart breaks. Suzan’s heart broke after the truth was revealed to her. She met a friend who knew about her and Mark but Suzan was surprised after he told her how sorry he is to know that Mark left her. Suzan asked, “Who told you that?” Her friend said, “No one. I met Mike and his Ex two weeks ago in a party and I thought how hard it is for you to handle this break up.”

Suzan felt like she was about to faint. Within moments she recalled the day she met Mark, the person who was broken, barely could eat, killing himself by smoking and drinking, and she recalled his teary eyes and voice when he said, “You are the first person I talk to in a very long time.” And then she recalled his words when they started to hang out together when he used to say, “You have a wonderful smile sweet lady, it brings happiness to my broken heart.” She also remembered how she used to feel after he says how much he’s broken inside and since then she promised herself to make him the happiest person on earth again. Suzan’s heart felt so heavy, and her legs were paralyzed. She couldn’t even breathe but surprisingly she never shed a tear; she was watching her friend’s lips moving but she couldn’t hear a single word. She got home and wanted to call Mark to tell him about the bitter truth she just found out about him, to scream and let out all the pain inside of her broken heart. She wanted to call to ask him why he did that to her because it was just not fair. She never wished to see him again; she didn’t have the power to see a person who stabbed her in the back. But her short messages to him were just to inform him that she knew about his lies and his return to his Ex and the only one question she asked was: “Why didn’t you let me go when I asked you to many times? Why didn’t you face me with the truth when I asked you if you got back to her?” His reply was long and full of excuses and lies again, and a sentence that drew a sarcastic smile on her face when he said, “You will always be a very special woman to me.”

Suzan’s life was affected by Mark’s absence for many months. She was acting as if she’s fine and doesn’t care, but she collapsed every night she climbed into bed. The memories that she shared with Mark were increasing her pain. His voice kept coming to her ears after he set a song and said, “Let’s dance.”  She recalled his hand taking hers softly, and how secure she felt just by hearing him breathe. She recalled how their light steps were moving and their souls were flying high with happiness. Suzan wondered how could he fake the tenderness I felt, how could he look me in the eye and lie? How could he ignore the truth when I asked him about his Ex? How could he dance on my wounds happily? She thought, “Oh, Dear God, I was dancing with the Devil” …. She never thought he would hurt her because she was standing beside him from the start; she never thought he would lie to her even when she was sure he was because his eyes held enough tears. She thought he would never cause her pain, she trusted that he would never break her heart because he experienced the depth of the pain to have a broken heart. But he was a devil who took her hand for a bleeding dance. She felt happiness by swaying lightly; she never felt that she was dancing on her wounds, and never knew that a piece of her heart was breaking with every step she was taking. But now the music is off, the devil left, the place is full of silence that she fears. She’s alone standing on the edge….

When everything seems to be good, it ends up in a bad way. The rhythm that makes us stand up and dance with happiness might end up suddenly leaving us in the middle of killer silence and a broken heart with bleeding steps taking us nowhere but lots of regrets and pain for meeting the wrong person.

Jinan

Facebook Page : https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

Who’s Fault Is It?

It’s not about life, it’s about those who are living in it.

When I was a little girl they used to tell me good things to make me smile

Life was so easy maybe because I didn’t understand it

Or maybe because I was too innocent to understand.

They used to teach me to never lie

They said people who lie will always be called bad people

But after I grew up I found out that everyone lies

With bad people enjoying their lives

And honest people are paying the price.

They told me

To be happy,smile and dance in the rain

After I grew up

I knew that most of the times

We smile to hide our pain.

They taught me to cherish friendship in my life

It’s the purest thing I could ever have

A hug from a friend would heal your wounds

After I grew up, there was truth that I lacked

My friend’s hug was an excuse to stab me in the back.

They taught me to be respected and respect people in return

After I grew up I never dared to underestimate others

I respect people for who they are, but they took my respect as a weakness

I get lost in the connection people see with these two words: Respect and Weakness.

They taught me when you love someone, make them happy

Love is something so special, it’s about being faithful

It’s about honesty and sacrifice between two lovers

After I grew up, I knew lovers who became enemies

I see lovers who cheat on their loved ones

Looking at me and begging: “Please, don’t tell.”

I see lovers crying for the absence of their beloved

Their nights turn into days

While the other doesn’t care

Laughing while the one that loves them is in pain.

They used to tell me to never go near fire

Because I will burn myself

I spent my childhood years watching out from fire

And when i grew up I see adults playing with fire but without burns.

When I was a little girl I didn’t act my age

I didn’t play much but I used to read

And they used to tell me “Go play, kids should be playing; adults should read the most.”

After I grew up all I see is adults playing games to trick and set each other up.

Who’s fault is it? Who’s to blame?

Life? People? Or my parents who raised me in a great way?

I grew up to find myself in a jungle

Fearing people I meet, even though I should fear beasts

Everyone is passing by pushing me to get their aim

I am not standing in their way yet all they enjoy doing is hurting me.

Who’s fault is it? Is it my fault that my dreams turned into nightmares?

Or is it my fault since I dared dream?

They taught me lessons that were hard to understand

After I took them in, I grew up to find out these lessons failed me

They should’ve told me not to take life so seriously

They should’ve told me that it’s okay to fail.

All I was doing is studying so hard to be the perfect and polite girl

To never disappoint anyone in my life

But everyone disappointed me…

Who’s fault is it to lose the ability to deal with bad things?

To lose the ability to recognize the good person from the nasty?

I’ve learned my lessons but I failed in the exam

Not because I wasn’t ready, or because I forgot what I studied

But simply because life changed, and someone passed the wrong lessons

And everybody followed.

It’s not my fault that everyone knows these lessons

I was shocked and I cried a lot for not knowing answers when life tested me

It’s not my fault that after I grew up, the lessons changed

It’s not the same, it’s all the opposite… It’s all fake

With every lesson that slowly changed, I quickly learned life’s real lessons.

The Release Of My First Book

Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000478132/Let-Them-Go-With-A-Smile.aspx