Jinan Zeidan's Blog

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Just Try


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Try to see the tears in ones eyes even if they are smiling
Try to see the wounds that are bleeding even if they are trying to heal yours
Try to listen to the words “I need you” even if they hide behind words “I’m fine”…
Try to hold them back to life when they are leaving it inwardly…
Try not to do the things over and over again that you know would cause them pain…
Try to never ignore their presence while they ignore the world for you….
Try to understand that when they quit asking that means they know the truth….
And when the silence covers their days and they feel the urge to walk away not because they want to,
But simply because they miss the old you….

Jinan

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March 12, 2016 Posted by | emotions, English, forgiveness, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Overseas, Peace, Precious, Promises, silence, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words | 3 Comments

To Xena With Love…


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To Xenaaa with love ….

There is that girl who left months ago
And after that I’m not the same at all…
She used to fill my days with happiness
My eyes lighten up when I see her shiny smile

There was a time when I heard her voice
The echoe plays in my ears
But in my eyes nothing but tears

I keep recalling our times together
The joyful moments, the pranks
The way she feels safe with me
Her secrets that she trusts that I’ll keep.

There is a girl who stole a big part of my heart
And moved to another country
Where I can’t reach her or touch her
I can’t look deeply in her eyes and tell her “she’s my life”

Even though the distance will never change anything
But I’ll always lack the urge to hug her
I’ll always wonder if she’s okay
Or if someone is making her unhappy there

I’ll always be waiting to see her angelic face
There is a part of me missing
There is a continuous pain that will never fade away
Until that precious girl comes home again

Jinan

ps:the photo belongs to Xena not taken from Internet.

March 9, 2016 Posted by | Arabic, Beirut, emotions, English, Footprints, friendship, Lebanon, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mexico, Middle East, Overseas, Precious, Promises, Smile, Thought, Trust, Words | 2 Comments

So Dear…


It’s not about the tears we shed, it’s about the reasons that are behind them.

It’s not about the attitude we show, it’s about the pain we hide

It’s never easy to say how we feel when our heart is broken inside.

In the silence we drown in the words we feel the urge to say

When the moment of feeling lost covers the heart and we try so hard to understand

What is going on; the truth about what we see, is it real?

The pain in our soul, why is it so deep?

It’s not about them or us, it’s about when we get lost

One word, in one word that they didn’t mean, in one act which was by mistake

Is it a crime to be real and speak your mind ?

It’s not about the distance we create, it’s about the days we miss without listening to a word

It’s a day of feeling lost, real happiness escapes..

It’s not about the confusion that we feel,

It’s all about that no matter what happens they will always be soo dear….

Jinan

February 3, 2014 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Lebanon, Letters, Love, Memories, outsiders, Overseas, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Trust, unfaithful, Words, youth | Leave a comment

Behind The Fire Lines


Behind the fire lines

Are nothing but prayers that cover her fears

But it can’t prevent her tears from falling and drawing hundreds of questions

With the painful one: where is he now?

She knows God is always there for all the people who are fighting for their right

To get their freedom back..

But things get complicated and the image is foggy when blood covers the land

All she hears is people screaming and hearts deeply bleeding

Behind the fire line he’s standing there

Who knows what’s going on?

There, is it a safe place? Or is he not okay?

Thoughts are the big enemy too when they takes us to imagine an anonymous bloody place

Where people went asking for peace and suddenly haters cut them into pieces on the streets

She’s fighting the evil thoughts by praying and trusting God that He will take care of him…

She sleeps every night wishing to see him in her dreams

A dream can heal for once even if reality will slap her on the face

When she wakes up

But at least it will stop the tears for a while ..

Behind the fire lines her heart is burning there trying to search for his face

And her soul is aching while waiting for his return …

Jinan

July 6, 2013 Posted by | Accidents, Death, Egypt, emotions, fear, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Middle East, news, others, Overseas, Parents, Peace, Politics, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, silence, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, Trust, Violence, Wars, Words, youth | 2 Comments

Mother’s Day


In her eyes you can read the words she keeps unspoken and in her heart you can feel the pain through a wound that is left unhealed. You can tell her that everything is going to be fine, you can tell her any lie just to make her feel good but she’s not blind, she knows what she feels is real…

A mother that lost her young boy in a war. She missed him coming through the door, on this day. She missed his hug, his laughter in place, when he used to scream “Happy Mother’s Day to my wonderful mom” and continue saying in a funny way, “I’m the luckiest guy on earth to have a mother like you. Seriously mom look at me, you brought someone like me into this life, that defines how amazing you are” and the laughter used to increase and her prayer for him too..

But, today she’s searching for her wonderful man, who used to fill the house with joy, but she can’t find him, she checks his room, his photos … She recalls the memories since he was a little boy, what he used to say with his gift, but the thing she remembers most is that he never forgets to say “I can’t imagine living in this life for one day without you mom”… These words killed her and every time she recalls them, she mumbles: “Who says I can? Daily, you are taking me from this life hundreds and hundreds of times at night…”

He is in a better place, that’s what his sisters tells her when she talks about him and cries. All these words that have been said to turn off the fire in her heart, are not working, because her heart is still wounded, missing her only son who used to make her the happiest mother on Mother’s Day and every day!

War. This monster that kidnaps soldiers in war, steals them from their mother’s lap, to break their hearts into millions of pieces. What would their mothers say on Mother’s Day? What would she feel while her heart never stops bleeding, missing her son who left one day without having a chance to say what he wants to say; maybe he thought he would come back home safe, maybe he never thought that his life will end there. It doesn’t matter what he thought, what matters is that he is not here anymore….

Years goes by, and the silent pain grows in the her heart, but the only day that her soul aches more than ever is on Mother’s Day. Maybe she envies the mothers who have never lost a son or maybe it’s only a wish that turns to a nightmare if only he visits her today…

She is the mother that is living her life in the memory of her son, her hero … All her other children are still around her. She gets the gifts, she gets the flowers and they all hold her on this special day like every day with tenderness and love… but through their laughter and warm hugs, her eyes are staring at the door.. she is still waiting with her pain that kills, missing her precious son and to feel how wonderful she is for bringing such a wonderful son like him into the world. But the feeling will never be felt again the day he left world, and the echo still comes to hear ears: “Happy Mother’s Day to the most wonderful mom on earth..”

March 23, 2013 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, photos, Promises, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, silence, Smile, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, Wars, Words | 3 Comments

Mighty Soldiers


She was there holding his hand begging him to stay

He was forced to leave her, how he wished to be there for another day. But he was comforting her by saying, “Anytime you need me, I’ll be there.”

“How is that?” she thought. He handed her a necklace with the name of the Lord engraved on it. “This will protect you and keep you from any harm”; she held it close to her heart.

She cried silently; her tears were burning every little breath she was taking.

Duty was calling him to serve his country, his steps were getting far while her heart was breaking apart.

Days passed by and months were like decades waiting for any news from him.

They said the war is near and never seeing his face was the only thing she feared.

She looked at her one year old child and holding him tight.

She said, “Please Lord, protect the father of my child and the man of my life. Keep him safe and bring him back home alive.

” Days passed by and the only seat she sat on was her husband’s, spending time on the balcony waiting for him to come.

One day she heard a knock on the door, and was hoping that her hero had come back home.

She opened the door and a soldier was standing there…She realized she became The mighty soldier’s widow.

She was frozen in place and didn’t dare say a word.

The man said, “Sorry ma’am for your loss, your husband was a brave soldier.” before he continued talking, she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

The world stopped for hours and a deep silence filled the place; she opened her eyes to see all the family surrounding her.

Some were crying, others were in shock but she was the only one who was dying.

Mighty soldiers leave their places to serve their country, leaving behind a wife and kids who are waiting them to come back home. What do we know about their feelings when they leave to the military?

Their kids’ and wife’s photos are their ID’s to find their feelings. Their fears that their children’s eyes will be seen for the last time, their heart aches silently leaving their wives, the love of their life, and never have the chance to feel it again.

Lucky are those who come back to their families even though the sad images from wars are stuck in their minds. But what about those who never come back, leaving everything behind them? Sacrificing their happiness, and all the happy moments they will spend with their children to protect their country and fight for their rights that the enemies want to take from them.

They are fighters with mighty hearts who believe in God, who are ready to give their own life to save hundreds. These are people who are ready to sacrifice their own happiness with their families in return giving a chance for thousands of men to have happiness with their own loved ones.

Just by thinking of a woman standing by her window waiting for her man to come back home after the war, and getting nothing but a dead body without a soul…

Just by thinking of her place: how the emptiness filled it even though her kids are playing around…

Just by thinking of her packing his clothes, his favorite CDs, by recalling his last words, smiling for the good memories and crying more for the bad ones….

Just by thinking of her speechless when her kids ask her, “When will dad come back home?”… It tears my heart apart to think of any woman who lost her husband in a war, how long she would stand her loss, and her longing to see him again…

They are mighty soldiers, those who swore to protect their country and be loyal to their promise…

I believe that the moment they take their last breath, a new angel enters heaven after serving his time on earth beneath…

  Jinan

September 5, 2012 Posted by | Death, fear, Human Rights, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, others, Parents, Peace, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, USA, Violence, Wars, Words | , , | 5 Comments

The Release Of My First Book


Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000478132/Let-Them-Go-With-A-Smile.aspx

December 22, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Grandfather, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, Nature, news, others, outsiders, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Politics, Poverty, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Technology, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words, youth | 3 Comments

Ps: I Miss You So Much


It is not the same, never the same again after you left. I still have the same eyes, the same sight, yet something precious is missing in my eyes. I used to be happy, I used to be happier, but this now makes me so sad… It is not the same when I pass by the places that your laughter used to fill. I wish I could still have our long conversations.  Your words used to make me smile all the time. Nobody could ever say things the way you used to do. You were so sweet Grandpa.

I still feel you there when I visit Grandma.  Sometimes I sit in your seat so I don’t see it empty.  Other times I just look at it.   To not see you sitting in front of me… you have no idea how much I wish you were sitting there.  Looking at the door to your room, I think of you as in there just taking a nap.  I still don’t have the courage to enter your room.  I don’t know if it’s the fear of not finding you, or I still want to think you are in there. Whatever the reason, what I know for sure, is that after you left nothing is the same again.

The apricot tree is not giving like it used to.  Since you left it has changed, it express’s it’s sadness in it’s own way, it used to be prettier.  But this year it looks sad beside the empty chair you left.  No one will ever fill that emptiness. It tears my heart to look at it, to never see you there again. Nothing will be the same again…

It’s almost eight months since you left, I feel like it’s yesterday.  I feel you close to me, but can’t see you.  Your words always in my ears, but I can’t hear you voice.  Sometimes I feel if I turn around, I’ll find you behind me.  But I don’t dare turn, for the fear of not seeing you there…

I’ve known before the feeling of a broken heart.  But after you left, what I experienced was how it feels when a piece of me, my heart, is taken and yet still I’m alive.  For the first time I know how it feels to have an aching soul.

After you left, nothing will be the same again. You decorated my life since I was a little girl, with your sweet smiles and warm love.  Since you left and for the rest of my life, my days will be decorated with your precious memory. You always made me smile, you never made me cry, until the day you left without saying goodbye… 

Since then, things are never the same again.

Ps:  I miss you so much Grandpa!!

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

August 4, 2011 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, Grandfather, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, others, Past, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Words | 9 Comments

Overseas


The moment comes, when we have to say goodbye.  Goodbyes not for the end of a relationship between us and our loved ones, but to see them returning away overseas.  A piece of us leaves with them.  The heartaches that grows while we stand there trying to accept the reasons that takes them back to the place they call their second home. We can do nothing but pray for them to get there safely.  Everyone has someone who lives overseas, who can’t find the opportunity in their own country to work.  They are forced to leave, leaving behind them their families and friends, the friends they were raised with.  At some point they have to sacrifice in order to live.  It’s not easy to leave the place of your birth, that will always leave them feeling torn. Always missing the places they used to go when they were kids.  The memories still stuck in their minds as they traveled the whole world. Even if they became rich and famous, they will always want to go back to the places where they used to go as little kids. Always have that desire to relive the moments, the moments that became their past when they had to leave overseas for a living.  
It used to be harder to leave.  There was no internet to connect to family, sometimes it took months to receive a letter from loved ones.  The phone calls were too expensive to make.  The trips took longer, and to be a world apart from each other really meant to be apart.  In the past, things were harder than nowadays.  These days, it’s much easier.  It’s true that technology has made the world a small village.  The letter that used to arrive after a month now arrives in a minute, or a second, by email and Fax. Cameras can allow us to see a person in any place in the world.  All these things have helped people to keep in touch with each other. And also erased thoughts or doubts that people used to have, when they had no idea where their loved ones are now living.  They used to wonder where they lived, what the country looked like.  These days, it’s enough to Google the place, type the country name and the map will show us where they are.  Technology means that you might know more about a place than those that live there.  Nothing is impossible with modern life, everything is coming easily, and it’s getting easier.
But still we can’t ignore the danger of traveling, of crossing the seas to live in another country.  Still not easy to be accepted, especially for parents, they always wish to have their children around them.  Living with them in the same country, in their home.  Technology can’t erase that feeling of pain when we wave goodbye to our loved ones and watch them disappear away.  Even if we know that after they leave we are going to send them messages via facebook, or make a skype call with them, or email.  The ache will stay, the distance still stands between us.  Wishing they are here at this moment, we recall the food they like, and wish we could send them even a bite.  We recall the places where we were with them, the laughter, specific words they use and that we love to hear them say.  It makes us smile to recall those moments from the past, but even if they are writing to us, still our eyes are wet because the distance is still there to pain us.
Worse though is the plane accidents that happen every year.  Thousands of people moving between their country and another, who never make it to their destination.  Killed while they traveled, coming down into the sea, some bodies lost, others so damaged they can’t be recognized or identified.  While they float in the ocean, their families and friends are waiting for them in an airport.  How painful it is to wait for someone who will never come back again?  Technology can do nothing about that.  It can’t ease the hurt of their families, it can’t change the bitter fact that they gone and will not return.  How many people have been lost in the skies, and in the oceans and seas?  The danger of flying is always there, the possibility of never seeing our loved ones again after they travel away overseas.  Every day a huge number of people are moving from country to another.  Some of them are now saying goodbye for the last times to their families, but they don’t know that yet.  Some of them left their home last night only to find after they arrived that their mom or dad or one of their families has passed away.  Would they have left if they knew it was their last goodbye, or would change their life forever, losing someone they love.  Airports are full of travelers, some who are welcoming people with happiness and tears of joy, and others who are waving goodbyes with pain and tears of sadness.  Are they going to see them again, who knows?  Others are postponing their flights to spend more time with their friends and family.  Some others are afraid to leave at all, or decide to return to their country to live the rest of their lives with their family.  
The flights taking people overseas hide so many things.  The possibility to see people again and the possibility to never see them again, that too is always there.  Nothing could describe our happiness when we open the door and see our loved ones surprising us after they’ve been overseas for years.  The feeling of joy and pleasure to see them again is beyond description.  And nothing could describe the moment when we have to say goodbye to them.  We just wish that time could stop at the moment they come, so they could stay forever.  But time keeps running, and soon they will have to rush away again, to be in another part of the world.  They too might wish to never leave, but the time will come that they have to say farewell and go.  Technology will keep them in contact, it will ease the distance, but it can never erase the loss we feel when they leave.  The moment they leave we fake a smile to hide our tears, we pretend we are fine.  But that moment will never be easy when we watch them disappear away overseas.

Jinan

Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/?sk=inbox&action=read&tid=TJXfsrpdPuWrJuCK6sxSXg#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

July 29, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Nature, others, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, Smile, Speak, Technology, Thought, Words, youth | 4 Comments

Homeless Child…


He was born like many other children, filled with love and innocent. He had caring parents as he recalls, they use to hold him and protect him in his first years. They taught him how to walk and how to talk.  They used to run towards him and wipe his tears when he fell, just like any other parents would do for their child.  He’s the youngest in the family, his brother was 12 years old, and his sister was almost 10 when he born.  He used to wait for them, for when they come back to the place where they all sheltered under the bridge, to play with him.  Usually they left that place early in the morning while he was still sleeping, and often they came back late after he was asleep.  His mom was so special, she was the only person who was always around, his dad used to disappear, sometimes for weeks.  As a little baby, all that mattered to him was to play, eat and sleep.  He was too small to know what’s going on with his family.  Newly arrived to life, he didn’t know yet that there is lot to go through, didn’t know that his life will be a battle, that he’s just one new fighter in this family he was born into.  He didn’t know yet the name of the place he lives, he used to think it’s home, but his family name it hell…  That became clear after he turned 6 years old. 

It was a sunny day when his mom told him to put on his dirty torn clothes and be ready for a long walk.  “A long walk where?” the boy asked, “…but mom I want to stay here and play”.  With a strict look, his dad ordered him to obey his mom.  The boy kept silent and bowed his head.  His clothes were dirty as usual, you wouldn’t know it had different colors.  His face were dirty as well, he didn’t have a mirror to know how he looked.  Maybe if he did he would know why people ignored him in the streets, why they looked at him in a disgusted way.  He loves to leave what he calls home, to enjoy the sunshine, because where he lives the rays of the sun can’t find their way.  Their place was not a healthy one.  That’s the reason why the family was often sick. 

While he was walking with his mom he wondered where she was taking him, she never said.  All she said was “from this day you will start to work just like your sister and brother, you are a little man now”.  They arrived at a very crowded place, where families went with their kids and relatives, where friends meet up together, and everyone looked happy.  His mom stopped and bent towards him, she looked deeply and seriously into his eyes and said  “I will leave you here, I will come back later to get you”.  The little boy was scared and asked his mom “but where are you going, and why you are leaving me here?”  She replied “See those people, you have to stay with them, go and try to get money, food, or anything you can get”.  “But mom…” he cried.  His mom shook him in a strict way and said “LISTEN TO ME, this is how we get money, this is what your brother and sister do, everyone has a job and this is yours now too”.  He looked at his mom, tears filling his eyes; his lips spelled one word …ok.  He stood there, watching his mom walk away.

All he saw were strangers, people who ignored him, or who looked at him in pity, who pushed him to get away from them.  Happy children were everywhere, he saw them playing with their parents, laughing and giggling.  He wondered why their parents didn’t leave them alone in this place like his mom did.  The time passed, and by noon, he felt so hungry and wanted something to eat.  He couldn’t go and just ask people to give him money, or even to give him something to eat.  He was so scared and lost.  He went to the garbage, started to eat the old bread.  A cat made him start from fear when she jumped out from the garbage.  He was crying and didn’t know what to do.  He ate a little, only what he could find in the garbage, it was better than nothing.  He walked around, trying to ask people to give him money.  The first woman he saw sitting with her kids, he came near to her and said “give me money please or something to eat”.  The woman yelled at him, protective of her own two kids. “I’m not going to hurt them, I’m just a kid like them” he mumbled.  But she kept on yelling, telling him to stay away.

The first day ended, the sun disappeared and his mom never reappeared. He sat on the street, some of those who passed by him gave him money without him asking them.  He waited so long for his mom, but she never came to take him back home.  He didn’t know how to get there by himself.  The dogs were barking, the cats fighting in the middle of the night, the people passing grew fewer until there were no more people on the street.  Only him and some other homeless people.  He cried and tried to find a box to sleep in, he was very tired and wanted to sleep. All the lights were switched off, all the other kids his age were home asleep. He covered himself with bags and slept on the side of the road, where else he could go?  He thought about his mom, why didn’t she come back he kept thinking until he fell asleep.

The next day, the steps of people passing by woke him, at first he didn’t’ recognize where he was… until he recalled the day before.  He felt the fear again, the insecurity of the coming days.  He thought about his mom and his family.  He missed his brother and sister, where are they now? Would he ever see them again?  He went to a nearby shop to buy something to eat, thankful for the people who dropped money for him while he lay on the street.  He entered the shop and the man screamed “get out you dirty boy”.  He ran from fear and tripped and fell.  He cried from pain, from fear, from anything that might come near him.  A soft hand touched his shoulder, and asked him to stand up.  He looked up and saw a very nice lady with a little boy.  She said “Come, let me help you up, how old are you?”  He looked at her son, he was about his age, “I’m 6 years old” he said.  She asked, “Are you hungry?”  He started crying, “yes I am”.  “I saw the man screaming at you, wait for me here and I’ll bring you something to eat”.  She went to the shop and bought some food and candy.  “Can I have them all?” he asked, the lady smiled and said, “sure, it’s all yours.  Are you new here?” “Yes” he replied.  The woman told him that she had to leave, but she promised to check back on him every day and bring him something to eat. 

He felt that God was looking over him, and each day he waited for the woman, but he never forgot about his family, especially his mom.  Her face kept coming to his imagination, telling him that he’s a man now. With days the small kid grew, with years he knew his reality.  He wonders now about the person he once called mom, who used to be his whole world, the person who held him and protected him, is she the same person who threw him away?  Too many questions, but no one to give him answers or erase his fears.  He knows the place where he lives under the bridge isn’t a home, and why the people call him homeless.  He can’t go to school, he knows nothing but begging and the people who give him money so he can eat.  He looks around seeing happy kids playing with their friends, riding their bicycles, getting into fancy cars with their parents, and asks; why am I different from them?  It wasn’t his choice to be homeless, it wasn’t that he wanted to sleep on the streets.  Or to hide in boxes, fearful that the dogs might bite him.  He always wishes some day he will wake up and his life will be changed.  But every morning he wakes to the sound of people’s steps hurrying by, or screaming for the Taxi.  What hurts him the most though is to overhear conversations, mothers on the phone saying she’ll be home soon.  Home, a word that fills his heart with sorrow.  He waited for his mom for long years, and he still goes to the place where she left him.  Still wishes she would come to take him to where they all live, anywhere, as long as they were all together, with his brother and sister.  He has some friends who are also homeless, they have their own stories too.  Sometimes they all go to a shelter to eat and sleep.  Other times he forgets himself, waiting on his own till late in the evening, and falls asleep waiting there…

 

Whenever you see a homeless person, give them a helping hand, give them food or clothes, or even a place to live.  Some of them were born homeless, growing up in fear, watching people kick them, yell at them, and look at them in a disgusted way.  It’s not their fault.  We are blessed to have a home to live in.  We have our own rooms, our own cars, money to buy whatever we want.  Do we sometimes cry and feel life is unfair if our parents disagree and refuse to buy something for us?  So what about those whose life has said NO to them for everything since they were born?  Never pass by the homeless without a thought for their fate, spare a smile and some kindness.  You will never know what their life has been, what they are waiting for that will never come…

 Jinan

FaceBook Page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

 

 

 

 

June 12, 2011 Posted by | childhood, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Homeless children, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Thought, Trust, Violence, Words | 13 Comments