To My Daughter With Love…

Every morning with the sunrise, a new pain starts in someone’s life, a new hope is renewed in someone’s eyes, fighting to live, or fighting to give.  Give the person who needs them, the caring and the love they are lacking…

Sarah lives in the city now, has to learn to deal with this kind of life.  Where the time passes so fast, people running to get early to work, as if they are chasing time. She comes from a village, a place in the mountains where everything is calm and quiet. Where all the people know each other and care for each other, even if they are in a hurry.  They have the time to look at the person who’s passing them by and say good morning.  But from now on, she has to get used to the city life, for the sake of her angel…. As usual, every morning she drinks her coffee rapidly, gets dressed, takes her flowers and runs rapidly so to never miss her morning customer.

It’s true she has all the day to sell her flowers, but looking at this one persons eyes in the morning making her rich, not financially, but emotionally…. Those eyes fill her heart with happiness, and her day with security.  “Good morning madam”, this the voice she waits to hear every morning.  She looks back at that girl and says, “Good morning to you young lady, here’s your flower”.  With a shining smile the young girl takes her flower and gives the dollar to the flower seller.  “Thank you, your flowers fill my days with a warm perfume”. With a little cute wink from that girl’s eyes, the lady’s day is as perfect. Selling that one flower to a stranger allows her to gain not just a dollar but also a smile that will never leave her face the whole day…  In her room she has a big diary, where she writes the date and details of that first flower that she sells each day.  Beside every flower, she writes what exactly she saw in the girl’s eyes, what she felt when she saw her, and how much she is grateful that she met her that day.

Sarah doesn’t have friends, those she had are all back in the town she left, where nobody knows for what reason she left.  She went to search for someone who brings happiness to her life, for someone to give a reason for her to live after she had given up on living.

Sarah’s story began when she married a young rich man from the city.  He was a very gentle and wise man who came to her town to visit his cousin.  The cousin was Sarah’s friend, but she never thought that one day this would end up in love.  But this is how things go sometimes, and over the course of many visits to the town, love grew strong between Sarah and Ethan, until one day they decided to get married.  Her family had their concerns about the marriage, Ethan was a person from an upper class family and Sarah’s family were very normal.  They were afraid that this class difference would have effects for Sarah’s future happiness.  But when these fears were exposed to Ethan, he assured her that these were illusions and nothing was going to happen, he would buy a property in Sarah’s town so they could live in peace.

After two years they had a baby girl, Emma.  The baby filled their life with happiness, and for several more years Sarah’s life with her husband was wonderful. Love, laughter, amazing moments to remember forever, and Emma’s presence adding so much fascinating happiness to their days.  Until one day, Ethan went on a business trip and never come back.  The train he was on crashed and he with hundreds of other people died. Emma was only 3 years old, and for Sarah all her years burned in front of her eyes. She felt she’s been left alone, Ethan was her whole world, she felt like a stranger in the world.  Though her family and her friends were all around her, she could never feel any connection to them.  A couple of months later, Ethan’s brother showed up asking to take Emma to raise her in the city with his parents. Ethan’s family were against his marriage to Sarah, but Ethan had left them all in shock by moving to marry the small town girl who had captured his heart. Sarah tried to resist, to keep her daughter with her, but the powerful have ways and they took Emma away.  Since that moment Sarah never knew anything about her daughter. The years went by, and with every year a piece of Sarah’s heart were dying. Only the memory of her husband was left, and of Emma’s laughter, that she seemed to hear all the time…

As the years passed by she changed into another person, shaped by the tears and the pain, by memories of her angel’s giggles and her husband waving with his last smile on his face.  Until one day, Sarah received a letter from a friend of Ethan’s, a letter with Emma’s address. Sarah couldn’t believe that after 18 years she might see her daughter. She packed her up her life in a suitcase and went to the city.  Challenged by everything, a community that she was unused to living with, strange people she didn’t know how to talk to…  The first thing she did was search for Emma’s address and try to think of an excuse to talk to her.  The photos that were sent in the letter showed how pretty and wealthy Emma was.  Her grand parents took care of her it seemed, but not enough, since they raised her away from her mother.  Standing on the street facing Emma’s apartment, Sarah waited for Emma to leave her place. 

Then as if from nowhere a beautiful lady walked out the gate, talking on her phone. Sarah looked at the photo she’s holding tightly between her hands, so tense as if she was afraid she would drop it.  Sarah compared it with the girl and the tears ran down her face, that was Emma, that was her daughter.  She wanted to run towards her and hold her so tight, but she couldn’t.  Her baby girl is there grown up to become a pretty lady.  Sarah felt as if she was safe again, with a new reason to live, and a new reason to love her life.  She rented a small room and with time she collected information about her daughter’s life.  And with everything she needed to know she was ready, set herself up to sell flowers.

Sarah’s first day of selling flowers started when she stood near where Emma waited for her driver to take her to the university.  With weak steps she got near to Emma and said, “a red flower every morning will fill your day with warm perfume and add smiles to your face pretty lady”.  Emma turned around and looked at the woman’s eyes, with a shining smile she said “Sure, why not. Are you new here?”  Sarah felt like her heart was stopping, not sure if it was from happiness that she was standing in front of her daughter after 18 years, or sadness from missing all these days watching her growing up.  Sarah wanted to tell her that she was new in this place, but not new in Emma’s life.  She wanted to tell her that she was the one who had given birth to her, but she gathered herself and said, “Yes, I’m new in this place, I’m trying to sell my flowers, but not all people are interested in buying flowers”. Emma smiled and said, “Well, now you have got a new customer, what about if I meet you every morning in this place to buy a red flower?”   With a little wink Emma added, “And don’t you dare to miss this appointment ok ma’am?” That little cute wink, her dad used to make it.  Lord help me, Sarah felt drained and about to pass out, it was almost too much to handle.  But yet she thanked God for finding her angel again. “Ok” Sarah said, “How can I miss looking at such an angelic face like yours young lady?”  Emma wished Sarah a happy day as she left.

For the next several years, Sarah had a reason to wake up and live every morning. Emma graduated from her university and started her own work, and Sarah followed all Emma’s news.  Due to the trust they built they became quite close.  But that friendship never crossed that corner in the street, the place where for Sarah the whole world turned around.  Standing in the cold to sell flowers wasn’t easy though, Sarah’s health started to get bad and she got a lung infection.  Her face started to look ill and under her eyes there were black circles, which showed how tired she was getting day after day.  Emma used to check on her and offer to take her to the Doctor, but Sarah didn’t want to, all she used to say was “I’m fine, I don’t feel any pain”.  Sarah was afraid to miss a day of seeing her angel’s face in the morning, and she would convince herself and her daughter that she was fine.

One day Emma came to the place to buy her flower as usual, but she couldn’t find Sarah.  She was worried about her, standing in the middle of the street looking left and right, trying to find someone to ask about the flower seller.  A man asked her “Are you looking for your friend?” Emma turned quickly and really concerned replied “Yes, have you seen her today?”  He said “Unfortunately, we found her this morning lying in the street, I think they took her to ER”.  Emma interrupted him and asked, “do you know where she lives?”  The man was surprised,  “You don’t know where she lives?”  Emma replied “No, she never told me”.  The man smiled, and said “in a little room under the stairs”…  Emma was shocked.  She went to check the room, the door was unlock, the room had one bathroom, but not even a kitchen.  When she stepped into the room she stood powerless, not believing what she was looking at…  Photos of her from when she was a little baby, but she never had photos when she was that age.  She saw Sarah’s diary where she had written alongside every flower she had sold Emma, how she had felt to see her Angel’s eyes.  In the drawer she even found the letter that had caused Sarah to move to the city.  Emma couldn’t believe it, she recalled how every year on mother’s day Sarah used to say, “Here this is another red flower for your mom on her day”.  Emma used to reply, “Thank you but my mother died when I was a little girl, my grand parents raised me”.  Emma recalled that she used to see tears in Sarah’s eyes, she though she was feeling Emma’s loss and pain.  Then Sarah used to give her an extra flower and said, “Take this for free, but in water as if you are buying it for your mom and you are going to see her tomorrow, she will feel your love”.

Emma stayed in shock for hours, crying, and not know what to do.  Having doubts, and yet no doubt, at the reality of Sarah revealed, her real mom.  Running to the ER to see her mother, she saw her lying in the bed without any movement, without any breath.  Another visitor had reached this the place before Emma. Death!  Emma stood there in a silence, not only her heart was breaking, she felt her soul was aching too.  A voice cut her thoughts and the silence, “Do you know this woman?”  Emma replied  “Yes, she’s my mother”. The nurse handing Emma a letter said, “She gave me this letter with this photo and asked me to give it to her daughter when she comes”.  Emma took the letter with shivering hands and started reading…

To my daughter with love…

I never knew real happiness until you came to my life, you decorated my days with your angelic smile, I never knew how to deal with death, how to die every day in a new way, until they took you away from me, and then I never knew how to come back to life again until I met you again after 18 years.

I know when you read this letter I’ll be gone, I know you have so many questions to ask.  I came to the city searching for you.  The room I rented faced your room.  It’s a tiny room but through that window that faced your apartment I used to feel that I’m living in a castle, and looking through it’s window to my real world, you.

I convinced you to buy a red flower every day from me because it would bring warm smiles to your days.  I was selfish to ask this, I wanted these smiles so much after I lost them so many long years ago. It was you giving me those smiles, it was looking at your eyes, that gave me the courage to keep on living.

Don’t cry after me, I’ll be always near.  Sometimes life gives us a reason to cry and sometimes a reason to smile.  Life gave me reason to cry for long years, but you my precious daughter are the reason to make me smile.  Even at this moment while I am close to death…

 Jinan

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The child who touched my heart

Four years old, he was sitting on the floor playing with his toys when I entered with my friend. We were visiting his mother. I don’t know her; I was just there because my friend asked me to accompany her. Looking at me with an innocent smile, never a word towards me from the minute I entered; it seemed to me that he was used to my friend’s presence. I was watching him, he didn’t move from his place. I never got any vibe that he might have any problem. Maybe I noticed he couldn’t talk, but then I thought that maybe he’s still too young to talk yet or maybe just too shy. There I was, a stranger in his house, yet he was smiling all the time, as if he wanted to come to sit on my lap, but it was as if something was preventing him from doing so. My friend asked him to go to her, but then I found out what I never expected to find. He was crawling to reach her. For a moment, I froze, watching him crawl, looking at the smile that never left his face, and trying to figure out what’s wrong with him. He looks healthy, but a four year old, not being able to walk? That seemed odd to me. So I asked his mom what’s wrong and she said, “He had a problem in his head since he was born and he had surgery months ago.” When I asked her if he will stay like that for the rest of his life, she said: “He is undergoing therapy; he might or might not get better.”

I felt as if someone moved me to another world so different from mine, where I felt a tragedy consuming an innocent heart, and the happiness not there long enough to leave even a footprint. His smile that he kept showing, it was that effort that kept him afloat from drowning through his life’s tragedy.

After the hard effort he made, he reached out to my friend and kept pointing at me. My friend held him and handed him to me. Having him on my lap was another feeling; he was talking words I never heard but I felt them so deep. Those words made me cry silently, yet I felt my tears shedding down on my face when I knew that his words meant that he wanted to leave the house with me. I was asking him questions and smiling but I couldn’t hide my tears; it was the first time that a child made me cry and touched my heart so deeply. I don’t remember what I was saying but all what I was trying to do is to avoid my friend and the child’s mother from seeing my tears falling. Maybe I didn’t want his mother to feel bad about her son or maybe I didn’t want to show the hidden side of my personality, the side that I always try to keep hidden.

I thought I’m a strong human being but I was surprised how in less than a minute God showed me that I’m the weakest. And showed me  how blessed I am  just because i’m able to walk . I thought I’m the happiest but in less than an hour God showed me that he can make me the saddest and the happiness can fade away in one second.

I kept holding the child and I felt as If something was binding me to him. I felt it even stronger when it was time to leave. His eyes were begging me to stay as if he’s a prisoner but it wasn’t jail. His hands were holding my hands tightly as if I’m the only one who will save him from his unlimited suffering. But I couldn’t do anything to help; it was the weakest moment I ever felt in my whole life. I knew how weak we are in front of God’s will,  no matter how much we have faith in God, we feel it’s so little when we stand up crippled in front of  the fate he draws us to.

He held my hand and in his other hand he was holding his little pillow. I remember his mother’s answer after I asked her about it; she used to put it on his head to protect the injured area after his surgery. In the middle of the night, he wakes up to hold it as if it’s the only friend he has.

On my way back home, I didn’t stop asking my friend questions about his situation; my heart was torn. The image of his little face kept coming back to me, his helpless words, and his voice that kept playing in my ears. He was just a four year old child who I saw for the first time, who crawled towards me with a hopeless smile, asking me for something. However, I still don’t know what it was… All I knew was that he touched my heart. I realized how weak I am and the tears keep shedding down my face with every time I remember that child’s face…

 Jinan

Hope You Understand…

She received his message saying: “Things didn’t work out, hope you understand”. She fainted, “Understand what?” She mumbled while recalling his smile, and all the words he said before when nothing seemed to be weird, he even said he’ll come for a long visit next time, but it seems she is not going to understand what she just received… Time stopped and her memory took her back to the day when she met him, never showing her that he might leave and never come back, “How could he disguise himself?”, looking in her eyes all the time showing nothing but the good side of him. “How could I understand his act?” She wondered about his smiles, “How could he fake it?” For one second she wished she had never met him, or at least if he has the courage to face her with the reason that lies behind his words. What hurt her wasn’t that he’s not coming back, but the fact that he lacked the courage to tell her at least anything to make her understand…

Her life turned into cloudy days, and his message erased the smile that used to decorate her face. With every moment passing, bringing back to her his words saying: “Will see you”, her tears find their way to those words and leave nothing but the fear of coming days… How was she supposed to understand what he never said? How could she understand the idea of not seeing him again after he said he’s coming back? It wasn’t the feeling of love that aches her heart, it was the lies he said and what was revealed after he left. It wasn’t that she’s missing him, what aches her deeply was her wounded pride for letting him enter her life and mess with her feelings, the feelings he’ll never know, the ones that stayed unknown…

She understood now that she can’t let him know that she used to smile every time he crossed her mind, and that her world changed to happy rhythm day and night. She can’t let him know that her prayers used to flow towards him wherever he goes, asking God nothing but to keep him safe. She can’t let him know how she used to wait for his call and how her eyes used to shine after she heard his voice. The simple, the very simple words he used to say were making her the happiest girl… She can’t tell him anything anymore!! He just fades away with no reason to convince her, with no courage from him to tell her why. It was a very short while but painful at the time… Maybe he came to leave but it’s hard to breathe when she thinks of him.

The reality remains unknown, the questions she asked not answered…

It’s hard to think of the person who she had good thoughts about as bad one, through the weird act he made that erased the good feeling she used to feel towards him. Feelings are not something to play with, or to take for granted, the feelings are like a fragile heart. A sensitive person who gives the best of him to others, but when he is faced with lies and disguises, those feelings would get wounded and the heart would be broken. It’s not the love that makes her heart broken only, it’s all mixed together, all the feelings that lead to knowing him, all break…

With ignorance, she acted like she understood, though she didn’t and still she would want to know the reason that made him say that he’ll come back, but the courage he lacks prevented him from doing that. How is she supposed to understand what he never said?? How can she move and trust anyone that might come her way? She didn’t understand, how he came to hurt her so bad and move forward as if he never knew her? … Replying to his message for the last time with tears in her eyes, saying: “I understand you were a big mistake, maybe you came to leave but why is it hard to breathe every time your face comes to my mind? Why couldn’t you wait to be in the right time to see my face, but everything went wrong after you left?… But before she even continued typing, she deleted her message feeling she doesn’t want to know anything anymore. She just felt that he left a painful wound in her heart, her heart that she promised to never let him get hurt. Now she caused him a big ache, a painful trace things didn’t, but if he never said any word, how can she understand what he never said? … What hurt her wasn’t that he’s not coming back, but the fact that the courage he lacked to tell her at least anything to make her understand…

Jinan

Unfaithful Love

Too bad, it’s the unfaithful people who make our lives so sad… They change the way we used to live, they ruin our days with how much we give from love and care when they admit they are not staying in the place they destroyed.…

 Too bad when we know they knew they are unfaithful, towards us, but they kept on hiding the truth… To feel more satisfied about themselves, to feel they are taking revenge from  those who are hurting them, but by being unfaithful to those who truly loved them…. Taking revenge from the wrong people, maybe they can’t face who they should face….

Thinking about the reason that hides behind their act, I believe it’s the weakness and the lost, and more the insecurity in their lives that makes them not know what they want and who they want… It’s the weakness  that lets them allow others to turn their lives into hell, the same weakness that makes them turn to other honest people to turn it into hell by being unfaithful to those who are honest to them, they stick with those who are ruining their life and never harm them, maybe they love to be treated like that, maybe they are not strong enough to walk away from them…..

It’s so hard to know they are being unfaithful to you, though you feel that, but you lack evidence, the worst part is when they make it evident, when they admit they are unfaithful, when they admit that they were playing with your feelings so they can forget what the others are causing them to feel.. this is the moment that you feel like you’ve been a fool, because your doubts turn into facts…. . No matter how smart you are, you will be fooled by one way or another, you’ll be dead wrong if you think people don’t cheat if  you  never cheat, you will be absolutely wrong if you think that people are honest in their acts , in  their love the way you are.. people are different from you, you know yourself but you’ll never know what they think or are going to do for you…

Shut the doors, in the face of unfaithful people,  … No matter how hard they knock, never open up, never even look through the lens of the door, never regret them, they are not worthy to think for one moment about them… they will always lose, simply because they have  the ability to lie , to cheat, to hurt , without even regret the pain they cause, they will never learn from their mistakes, for one reason, they’ll always be unfaithful…. 

Sometimes, we feel someone is being unfaithful to us, but we keep on walking maybe to see where the road will lead us, maybe because we don’t want to believe that those who we truly love are being unfaithful to us.. We keep on walking though with every step we feel pain, but suddenly, we stop walking , we stop thinking , we stop talking, the moment we feel our heart broken, even if we were expecting  their betrayal, we feel as if the world end here,  and can’t breath again, the moment kills,  after we believed in them, we stop believing  that there is a faithful part in their unfaithful love..

She’ll Never Know…

Soon she’ll be gone without a trace, without a memory to remind him she was there…No memories between them to make him remember her…. As if she felt  someday she’s leaving  him, even  if she stays, he will leave her because he belongs to another….  But she’ll never know if he loved her the way she did, she’ll never know all the feelings he kept inside, all the care he couldn’t provide, is it the same as what he feels inside?.. She’ll never know…

All the letters she wrote she’ll never know if he read them. If he felt her pain while she was drawing the picture of her love and longing for him…. All the hours she spent waiting for him to reply, all the tender words she saved till she meets him someday, she’ll never know  if he was there but couldn’t reply or if he’s somewhere else with another…..

It’s the shadow of goodbye starting to get closer, she can’t step backward yet can’t move forward, she was living the goodbye in every moment with him, but now when she’ll be forced to leave him, she wants to stay more, maybe it’s the love the very true love she feels, or maybe she wants to be sure he’s fine all the time…. But she’ll never know if he’ll be happy if she stays longer or he would be sad if she disappears forever, he knows but she’ll never know….

 the clouds are covering her sky, she wishes if the rain pours to wash her face, to wash her tears, to ease the pain from her wounded heart…. She knows the storm is so near, soon or later she’ll be gone.

She will be missing his smile, his voice and all the words he used to say even the ones that made her cry… Soon she’ll be gone but she’ll miss his presence and all the things he used to do, even the ones to make her mad….  But she’ll never know if he will miss her the way she does or more….

The same sunshine that brightened her life when she met him for the first time, is burning her heart now…. The laughter she used to share with him, is gone now…  And she’ll never know what made him loose the power to keep her smiling….

Struggling between staying and leaving, in the end she’ll leave…. Maybe to stop her heart from bleeding, maybe she feels he never belonged to her…. Even though she wishes to stay to always be there for him when he needs her… But sooner or later, she’ll be gone, looking over her shoulder while leaving to make sure he’ll be fine… 

She keeps asking herself the reason behind meeting him, but she’ll never know why she did… Walking away someday without leaving any trace, without leaving any memory, just heart ache because she will never know if he heard her words, if he saved her photos, if he will remember her after she leaves… She’ll never know if he knows how hurt she is by leaving him…. The same person she loved today will be a memory for her tomorrow but she’ll never know if he loved her the way she did, she’ll never know all the feelings he kept inside, all the care he couldn’t provide is it the same what he feels inside?.. She’ll never know…

 

We say it silently…

Sometimes it’s the bad words we say due to anger and sadness  silently,  it has another meaning… We don’t say it out loud … We are being honest with ourselves, but not to those who are hearing us, who are hurting us…. We just show them we don’t care, though silently we do care!

“I hate you” why would we say those words to the person we love the most? Is it to show our madness? Or to show how much we’ve been hurt from that person?  
“I HATE YOU”, but silently it’s: “I LOVE YOU”!  We say the word HATE to shake the person, to force him/her to look towards us and see the pain he/she’s causing …. He/she, when hearing this word will definitely look towards you with a shocked look, even if to only ask why?.

Sometimes, saying “just leave me alone” has another meaning, we try to push people away from us to protect ourselves but silently we say “ don’t listen to me, don’t leave”. We show our strength, to hide our weakness…. We think we are doing just great in front of them but silently we are suffering…

We show them how much we are happy just to hide the sadness, the deep sadness inside…. We laugh loudly though silently we  cry!!

The unspoken words are so true, yet we feel as if we let it out , part of us will leave when no one listens to it…  we keep it , never feel safe to say it, saying them silently makes us feel apart from people….The reality that lies in the silent words , show how much we are honest with ourselves but not with others……

Sometimes, it takes us years to feel secure but in return it takes them one second to make us feel insecure… by one action they make, by one word they say out loud….  How we wish they say it silently instead….

Closing our eyes to never see them, but our heart is always open to protect them with our love …. Pushing them away trying to tell them we are wounded, asking them to stay away, but silently our arms are wide open to hold them when they need us……

The truth remains silent, the honest words we need to say…sometimes we are afraid to say them… To keep it meaningful , to keep on reminding ourselves that we have the ability to treat ourselves nice if they don’t…  When we say words, we kill it, it lost in the ignorance of others  that cause us our pain…. We keep it silently we keep it alive inside of our mind and our heart never set it free to get broken…..

Sometimes, by saying words loudly, they can heal us and ease our pain, especially if they caused that pain…  when we want to get their attention, we are forced to say the most painful words which are  “I HATE YOU”.. But  silently words that mean “I LOVE YOU” kills us at the same moment!

Jinan

 

The Others

The others might be  living in pain, and that’s why they try to hurt you… The others might had completely had their own suffering, that’s why they always try bothering you…

They are humans just like you, but they think in a different way. They could hate you for very simple reasons, they could say lies, they could be very harmful but at the same time very friendly, they can be disguised to fool you, and you can be fooled if you don’t think that they are human but not angels… Just like you..

Human beings.. We are all humans, no angels living on the earth unless the others, the very good humans who love you unconditionally, the tender hearts who make sure to protect you when someone hurts you… The caring people who cry for your sadness and smile for your happiness, those who forgive you before you make mistakes and who forget themselves for your own sake.. those are the angels on earth…

But here’s the question to ask:” Why are the others always the ones who cause pain to others? There is always one side against the other side, is it how life goes on? Must there be one who is loved and others who hate ? Must there be one who smiles and others who cry? Is this is the way life goes on?

It’s always there… The others  who don’t care for others.. who never appreciate them because they have their own reasons, not because they are bad humans…

Life might have treated them so bad and they never found the  others standing next to them to help them get over their pain , their suffering….

Life might have been so cruel with them, they might have met the wrong people on their path… They might have shed tears in their lonely nights and never found the one shoulder to cry on….

The others are human but they are not bad, even though they hurt you in someway… Even though they say words that offend you , there must be deep deep pain in their hearts…. When others treat you badly without any reason , you should think what’s behind this treatment, you should think what the others have been through, who they met on their Path, who made them lose their faith in others….

Life could be so cruel to others, and sometimes could be unfair…Just forgive them when they stand in your way trying to destroy you.. Just forgive them if they try to fight you with all the different ways…. They are humans just like you , you have faith in yourself and in God too, but the others might have lost their way and lost their faith in God and that’s why they do their best to harm you…

Jinan

Mom Come Back Home…

“I wish I didn’t wake up today”, with wet eyes the young guy opened his eyes, after trying to get back to sleep, but he couldn’t….. Today is mother’s day, but where’s my mother today? Resting in peace…

He recalled the last year when he celebrated with her this day, he didn’t know it was the last occasion to share it with his mother, if he knew that, he would have asked God to stop the time, to keep her forever  in his life…

 If he knew that it was the last mother’s day for her, he would spend the whole day telling her how much her presence is appreciated and important to him… Last year she was here, but today she’s not, last year he bought her flowers on mother’s day, her  face was shining  taking the flowers from him ,  she held him with her warm arms, he almost felt himself in heaven,  while her arms were surrounding him, he felt like the angels were protecting him….. It was the last time he celebrated it with his mother.…. It was the last time he felt he was blessed by her angelic soul…..

 

“Today, I’m going to her grave”….. He mumbled, he looked towards his room’s door expecting her to knock on the door asking if he’s awake, he was waiting to hear her voice calling  from downstairs telling him to get up,  the breakfast is ready. But it was all illusions that drift him to jump from his bed believing that she’s in the kitchen preparing his breakfast, but when he got  there he broke down, knowing that he was drifted behind his illusions, his mother is not here, not in any place , his mother passed away year ago, and he’s here by his own, with her memories, thinking how his life went downwards since his mother died….

 It’s so weird, his life went as a short movie that morning, since his very first step when he was a little baby, the way she was crying after every fall he fell down, he recalled his first day in school, she stayed  with him the whole day to make sure he’s ok… With every step he took in his life, she was there for him. When he succeeded she was there to clap her hands and tell him how much she’s proud of him, and when he  failed, she was always there to tell him never mind everything is going to be ok, she was always there to hold him in his good times and bad times…. His mother was simply his world…. But today,  his world collapsed, his mother gone forever, he felt as if it’s the end of his world, nothing is going right, his life became darkness after he lost his light in his mother’s soul…..

Through his window he watched the people passing by his house, those who are holding gifts in their ways to their mother’s place, and others whose holding flowers  spreading the laughter’s  looking so happy only minutes apart them from meeting their mothers….

 He was standing watching with a broken heart, wishing if she can come home today, his illusion again tricked him, when he ran to open the door, expecting her back home again, but with disappointment, he found nobody standing at the front door… He felt it’s time to be brave and visit her grave…

 With all the sadness in the world, he walked to the graveyard, and put the flowers on her grave. He stood there with no words to speak, only tears….. He cried when he  told his mother  how  much he needs her, he apologized if he made her upset someday, he told her how much he needs to be surrounded by her arms to feel safe, because he feels so cold and his whole world has been breaking down since she died…..  He told her how hard it is to go back home every day since she left and not find her waiting for him there…..

But when he turned away with helpless steps  taking him far from this place, his heart was still there breaking over her grave begging her saying ” Please Mom, come back home!”

 Jinan

Who Cares….. It’s Only Words

When others break their words, forget promises they made
When they smile happily, living in their fairytales, 
I watch, praying silently, please don’t miss the chance I gave…

Who cares…
It’s only words 
broken letters, failed promises 
It’s the unspoken words never said 
that make the spoken true words fake…

Who cares, when they can take your love for granted 

& push you to walk away, 
and nothing but more forgiving words they gain..

It’s only words, 

the same letters that can create lovely words and fill the heart with joy and passion

the same letters with different words, different meaning, 
can be harmful, can cause hurt, 

sometimes it makes you want to fly, to touch the sky 

other times it freezes your heart and makes you cry….

Who cares.. 

the same mistakes repeated, different excuse with different words..

broken letters creating words , using letters to erase the fault 

same letters, increase the wound, the same apology 

But with broken letters, they will always fail to be accepted… 

Promising Words with two faces,

causes pain by saying it, and the living in vain believing ….

It’s only promises, only words…. but its fake
LOVE, HONESTY,  LOYALTY, TRUST…. 

Same letters but different words, with different meaning – HATE, LIE, BETRAYAL…. 

Who cares…

when they use the letters in different words, when the trust goes 

I know… if you are honest today, you will lie someday… 

I know… if you are loyal today, tomorrow you will betray…..

It’s the missed chances I miss the most… 

I miss the trust I used to give…

It’s only words… 

Some are honest when they say it… 

To give another chance, to tell others they forgive them, 

to tell others they love them… 

as long as it’s honest words with letters that never break, it’s good to say …
But if it’s only words, 

covered by lies and fake, it’s better not to say….. 

Anyhow, who cares….. 

Those letters that make your life so bitter, 

broken letters covered by wonderful spoken words… 
the letters break, the meaning is fake… 

you’re life to be effected ….

Create new words with strong letters…. 

Who cares if they let you walk away…. 

Nothing matter anyways…. 

It was only spoken faked words….. 

When the others break their words and forget promises they made, 

you walk away feeling silent pain, after they miss the chance you gave….

Who cares… it was only words, 

Some day they will be erased… 

Jinan

Tell Him…

Tell him that you have a fear of losing him someday;  promise him that you will never walk away…
Tell him the reason behind your tears, and it’s the distance that you fear…

With all the nights you stay awake, causes you nothing but a heartbreak…
Tell him about the prayers you say to God to keep him safe… And if one night you missed the prayer,  you say it twice the next day…
Ask him not to take your love for granted,  tell him if he did, you will never regret the love you gave …

You will keep forgiving him,  there’s nothing else you can do…
Tell him about the times he left you without saying a word… Tell him though you kept your silence, your heart was begging him to stay….
And when he walks away, you always cry silently,  you always wait for his return…
Tell him you can’t do the same…  Because if you do,  you will be living in pain….
Let him know that you forgive him before he even makes mistakes… You always say he’s not the one to blame…
You blame yourself to ease his mistakes… Count for him the times you were replying his letters, saying you are feeling great and the tears were on your face…
You know when he doesn’t say the truth, but you always hide what you feel, though it increase your fear… You act as if nothing is going on…

You convince yourself that you are wrong and he’s right just to avoid the fight, tell him…..
Try to show him in all the ways, how much he’s appreciated in this heart of yours, ask him if he feels that too, ask him if he will ever know…
Sitting here on your own, wondering if he might know someday what you are trying to say…
Convincing yourself that you are not providing him enough love, but the truth is, you are giving nothing but real love…
maybe he knows, but he don’t want to confess, maybe he doesn’t know how to translate his feelings into words…
Tell him, before you lose the force to give more, before you find yourself losing the words you want to speak…
Shedding your tears doesn’t  mean that you are weak, it’s the need to tell him what you are going through…
 Don’t blink back the tears, don’t avoid to speak…

It’s the thought the very thought of him, makes you want to break your silence and let him know,

How much he’s appriciated in this heart of yours…

It’s the very thought of him, makes you want to tell him more, so tell him…

                  Jinan