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Mother’s Day


In her eyes you can read the words she keeps unspoken and in her heart you can feel the pain through a wound that is left unhealed. You can tell her that everything is going to be fine, you can tell her any lie just to make her feel good but she’s not blind, she knows what she feels is real…

A mother that lost her young boy in a war. She missed him coming through the door, on this day. She missed his hug, his laughter in place, when he used to scream “Happy Mother’s Day to my wonderful mom” and continue saying in a funny way, “I’m the luckiest guy on earth to have a mother like you. Seriously mom look at me, you brought someone like me into this life, that defines how amazing you are” and the laughter used to increase and her prayer for him too..

But, today she’s searching for her wonderful man, who used to fill the house with joy, but she can’t find him, she checks his room, his photos … She recalls the memories since he was a little boy, what he used to say with his gift, but the thing she remembers most is that he never forgets to say “I can’t imagine living in this life for one day without you mom”… These words killed her and every time she recalls them, she mumbles: “Who says I can? Daily, you are taking me from this life hundreds and hundreds of times at night…”

He is in a better place, that’s what his sisters tells her when she talks about him and cries. All these words that have been said to turn off the fire in her heart, are not working, because her heart is still wounded, missing her only son who used to make her the happiest mother on Mother’s Day and every day!

War. This monster that kidnaps soldiers in war, steals them from their mother’s lap, to break their hearts into millions of pieces. What would their mothers say on Mother’s Day? What would she feel while her heart never stops bleeding, missing her son who left one day without having a chance to say what he wants to say; maybe he thought he would come back home safe, maybe he never thought that his life will end there. It doesn’t matter what he thought, what matters is that he is not here anymore….

Years goes by, and the silent pain grows in the her heart, but the only day that her soul aches more than ever is on Mother’s Day. Maybe she envies the mothers who have never lost a son or maybe it’s only a wish that turns to a nightmare if only he visits her today…

She is the mother that is living her life in the memory of her son, her hero … All her other children are still around her. She gets the gifts, she gets the flowers and they all hold her on this special day like every day with tenderness and love… but through their laughter and warm hugs, her eyes are staring at the door.. she is still waiting with her pain that kills, missing her precious son and to feel how wonderful she is for bringing such a wonderful son like him into the world. But the feeling will never be felt again the day he left world, and the echo still comes to hear ears: “Happy Mother’s Day to the most wonderful mom on earth..”

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March 23, 2013 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, photos, Promises, R.I.P Mighty soldiers, silence, Smile, Soldiers, Speak, Thought, Wars, Words | 3 Comments

The Release Of My First Book


Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000478132/Let-Them-Go-With-A-Smile.aspx

December 22, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Grandfather, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, Nature, news, others, outsiders, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Politics, Poverty, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Technology, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words, youth | 3 Comments

Homeless Child…


He was born like many other children, filled with love and innocent. He had caring parents as he recalls, they use to hold him and protect him in his first years. They taught him how to walk and how to talk.  They used to run towards him and wipe his tears when he fell, just like any other parents would do for their child.  He’s the youngest in the family, his brother was 12 years old, and his sister was almost 10 when he born.  He used to wait for them, for when they come back to the place where they all sheltered under the bridge, to play with him.  Usually they left that place early in the morning while he was still sleeping, and often they came back late after he was asleep.  His mom was so special, she was the only person who was always around, his dad used to disappear, sometimes for weeks.  As a little baby, all that mattered to him was to play, eat and sleep.  He was too small to know what’s going on with his family.  Newly arrived to life, he didn’t know yet that there is lot to go through, didn’t know that his life will be a battle, that he’s just one new fighter in this family he was born into.  He didn’t know yet the name of the place he lives, he used to think it’s home, but his family name it hell…  That became clear after he turned 6 years old. 

It was a sunny day when his mom told him to put on his dirty torn clothes and be ready for a long walk.  “A long walk where?” the boy asked, “…but mom I want to stay here and play”.  With a strict look, his dad ordered him to obey his mom.  The boy kept silent and bowed his head.  His clothes were dirty as usual, you wouldn’t know it had different colors.  His face were dirty as well, he didn’t have a mirror to know how he looked.  Maybe if he did he would know why people ignored him in the streets, why they looked at him in a disgusted way.  He loves to leave what he calls home, to enjoy the sunshine, because where he lives the rays of the sun can’t find their way.  Their place was not a healthy one.  That’s the reason why the family was often sick. 

While he was walking with his mom he wondered where she was taking him, she never said.  All she said was “from this day you will start to work just like your sister and brother, you are a little man now”.  They arrived at a very crowded place, where families went with their kids and relatives, where friends meet up together, and everyone looked happy.  His mom stopped and bent towards him, she looked deeply and seriously into his eyes and said  “I will leave you here, I will come back later to get you”.  The little boy was scared and asked his mom “but where are you going, and why you are leaving me here?”  She replied “See those people, you have to stay with them, go and try to get money, food, or anything you can get”.  “But mom…” he cried.  His mom shook him in a strict way and said “LISTEN TO ME, this is how we get money, this is what your brother and sister do, everyone has a job and this is yours now too”.  He looked at his mom, tears filling his eyes; his lips spelled one word …ok.  He stood there, watching his mom walk away.

All he saw were strangers, people who ignored him, or who looked at him in pity, who pushed him to get away from them.  Happy children were everywhere, he saw them playing with their parents, laughing and giggling.  He wondered why their parents didn’t leave them alone in this place like his mom did.  The time passed, and by noon, he felt so hungry and wanted something to eat.  He couldn’t go and just ask people to give him money, or even to give him something to eat.  He was so scared and lost.  He went to the garbage, started to eat the old bread.  A cat made him start from fear when she jumped out from the garbage.  He was crying and didn’t know what to do.  He ate a little, only what he could find in the garbage, it was better than nothing.  He walked around, trying to ask people to give him money.  The first woman he saw sitting with her kids, he came near to her and said “give me money please or something to eat”.  The woman yelled at him, protective of her own two kids. “I’m not going to hurt them, I’m just a kid like them” he mumbled.  But she kept on yelling, telling him to stay away.

The first day ended, the sun disappeared and his mom never reappeared. He sat on the street, some of those who passed by him gave him money without him asking them.  He waited so long for his mom, but she never came to take him back home.  He didn’t know how to get there by himself.  The dogs were barking, the cats fighting in the middle of the night, the people passing grew fewer until there were no more people on the street.  Only him and some other homeless people.  He cried and tried to find a box to sleep in, he was very tired and wanted to sleep. All the lights were switched off, all the other kids his age were home asleep. He covered himself with bags and slept on the side of the road, where else he could go?  He thought about his mom, why didn’t she come back he kept thinking until he fell asleep.

The next day, the steps of people passing by woke him, at first he didn’t’ recognize where he was… until he recalled the day before.  He felt the fear again, the insecurity of the coming days.  He thought about his mom and his family.  He missed his brother and sister, where are they now? Would he ever see them again?  He went to a nearby shop to buy something to eat, thankful for the people who dropped money for him while he lay on the street.  He entered the shop and the man screamed “get out you dirty boy”.  He ran from fear and tripped and fell.  He cried from pain, from fear, from anything that might come near him.  A soft hand touched his shoulder, and asked him to stand up.  He looked up and saw a very nice lady with a little boy.  She said “Come, let me help you up, how old are you?”  He looked at her son, he was about his age, “I’m 6 years old” he said.  She asked, “Are you hungry?”  He started crying, “yes I am”.  “I saw the man screaming at you, wait for me here and I’ll bring you something to eat”.  She went to the shop and bought some food and candy.  “Can I have them all?” he asked, the lady smiled and said, “sure, it’s all yours.  Are you new here?” “Yes” he replied.  The woman told him that she had to leave, but she promised to check back on him every day and bring him something to eat. 

He felt that God was looking over him, and each day he waited for the woman, but he never forgot about his family, especially his mom.  Her face kept coming to his imagination, telling him that he’s a man now. With days the small kid grew, with years he knew his reality.  He wonders now about the person he once called mom, who used to be his whole world, the person who held him and protected him, is she the same person who threw him away?  Too many questions, but no one to give him answers or erase his fears.  He knows the place where he lives under the bridge isn’t a home, and why the people call him homeless.  He can’t go to school, he knows nothing but begging and the people who give him money so he can eat.  He looks around seeing happy kids playing with their friends, riding their bicycles, getting into fancy cars with their parents, and asks; why am I different from them?  It wasn’t his choice to be homeless, it wasn’t that he wanted to sleep on the streets.  Or to hide in boxes, fearful that the dogs might bite him.  He always wishes some day he will wake up and his life will be changed.  But every morning he wakes to the sound of people’s steps hurrying by, or screaming for the Taxi.  What hurts him the most though is to overhear conversations, mothers on the phone saying she’ll be home soon.  Home, a word that fills his heart with sorrow.  He waited for his mom for long years, and he still goes to the place where she left him.  Still wishes she would come to take him to where they all live, anywhere, as long as they were all together, with his brother and sister.  He has some friends who are also homeless, they have their own stories too.  Sometimes they all go to a shelter to eat and sleep.  Other times he forgets himself, waiting on his own till late in the evening, and falls asleep waiting there…

 

Whenever you see a homeless person, give them a helping hand, give them food or clothes, or even a place to live.  Some of them were born homeless, growing up in fear, watching people kick them, yell at them, and look at them in a disgusted way.  It’s not their fault.  We are blessed to have a home to live in.  We have our own rooms, our own cars, money to buy whatever we want.  Do we sometimes cry and feel life is unfair if our parents disagree and refuse to buy something for us?  So what about those whose life has said NO to them for everything since they were born?  Never pass by the homeless without a thought for their fate, spare a smile and some kindness.  You will never know what their life has been, what they are waiting for that will never come…

 Jinan

FaceBook Page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

 

 

 

 

June 12, 2011 Posted by | childhood, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Homeless children, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Thought, Trust, Violence, Words | 13 Comments

One Last Chance


For the young guy Jason, nothing would be the same, losing the only girl he loved is a fact he has to accept. Through the years since he had met her, she had been like a soft breeze who made his life different in a good way.  After suffering from very painful issues through the years, she was like almost the breath he takes, meeting her had been the only thing to make him forget his grief…  But like every guy, he had a dream to achieve, and he wanted to achieve that dream, regardless of who will lose on his way to reaching that success.  He lost his track, the company he kept, the places that hold nothing but sins, he was losing the meaning of his life, he was losing the person he loved most.

Achieving his dream became nothing but an excuse to do whatever he wanted to do, to run from himself and forget.  From what he had been through since he lost his dad when he was a little baby.  His father left his mother and him before he got to know him.  And when he got used to the presence of the man who took his father’s place in his life, just when he started calling him dad, his step-father passed away.  To Jason, that felt like losing his real dad, and left him in a lot of pain.  Between knowing that his real father was still alive, but also feeling the grief of losing the person who taught him the real meaning of fatherhood, Jason was living his life searching for something he thought he would never find.

He was searching for himself.  The challenges he faced, the questions without answer he used to ask were to satisfy his curiosity. He was the guy with a big heart trying to find the lost part himself. Singing and playing music was the only things that helped him to find peace in the world.  Since he was seven years old he had dreamed of being a singer one day.  Even when he grew up that thought never left his mind.  But life always has something to surprise him, and when he was twenty his mother passed away, leaving her young guy in the middle of nowhere.  She was the one who supported him, she was his shoulder to cry on.  She raised him in a great way and used to encourage him to chase his dream. Losing his mother would lead Jason onto the wrong track.  Though his friends were there for him, his mother’s loss blinded his eyes and his soul and he lost his faith in everything.  Losing his faith drove him into many sins, he turned his back on his good friends and never wanted to hear from them. Even the girl who he loved, he was blind enough to break her heart.  He was living in denial.  Denying himself, his friends, his faith, he was moving slowly into a long dark tunnel without even noticing it.  As the years passed, Jason walked deeper and deeper in the darkness.  He was attracted to it, through his mourning for the loss of his mom, for his step-dad, and even for the first loss he had before he recognized that he had, his real dad.  Life was a battle for Jason, achieving his dream took him in a wrong direction, and in achieving it he also achieved everything he never wanted. 

But a wake-up call was sent to him and he opened his eyes to the bitter facts.  He didn’t only lose his family, he had also lost himself.  He looked around at the people who entered his life and have a bad affect on his behavior.  Though he used to feel relief when he prayed, he started to fear God due to all the mistakes he had made.  He had been lost for many years, but now once again his mother’s spirit surrounded him, and woke him up before he was drawn any further into this darkness he had put himself in.  Jason opened his eyes to see that everyone who mattered had left him and he was alone.  Trying to sing, but it was all sad songs, he gave up on his music dream.  And he turned to chase the one who he had let go, he wanted to return to the only real person he loved backin his past , even if she was now little more for him than a dream….

For Jason, waking as if after he had slept for years, not only was his head heavy and aching, but even his soul.  He felt that he filled it with sins, and filled his girl’s heart with agony and wounds. He recalled all the chances he missed, recollecting all the photos that held both of them, he missed being with her.  Running back to her, hoping to have another chance, he called her name but she ignored him.  He visited her, and although she opened the door she considered him a stranger… His tears were pouring asking for forgiveness, but her heart was frozen due to the wounds he had caused.  With those wounds still wide open, she couldn’t give him one last chance, she couldn’t even bear to touch his hand.  What did I do to the girl I loved the most he tried to recall, but refreshing his memory made him feel guilty for the love he had pushed away.  Nothing good was left in his life, blaming himself, crying all the time, even the dream he held since he was little boy had let him down. He thought that singing was the thing that he most wanted to do, however, he stepped on everyone’s who cared for him just to achieve his dream. Between all his losses, he had, he lost himself too.  He had let other’s down, he disappointed them when they were ready to do anything to stand by his side. 

He had pushed them all away, and now he had to stand up alone, trying to get to his faith back, and trying to rebuild his life.  Sitting on his sofa, holding his guitar and singing his sad songs about himself, imagining his life as a movie that can never be happy one.  The images he has in his mind are ones that were never captured on camera, those are the most valuable images, of those he loved the most, but who he is now sitting alone without.  It’s not easy to be away from someone who filled your life with love, the emptiness it leaves is painful.  Jason tried his best to ask his girl to give him one last chance, but all she gave him was a reflection of the way he had treated her.  It’s hard to keep chasing someone when they are running away and that was what was happening with his girl.  You get tired, and they would keep chasing their grievances from the past.  It is so hard after losing your faith and taking the wrong track, to find those who you crushed because of your blindness, are still alive but there is no way for you to return to them.  And that’s what Jason felt, that though she was still there breathing, inwardly she was dead.  He had killed the love himself, he couldn’t blame her, but he missed her.  After all the chances he had missed and all the warm feelings she had showed him. He had always neglected them, for some reason, for many reasons…

He waited and hoped for a last chance to show her that he had changed. But whenever he met her and felt her hands like ice, no feelings appeared in her eyes… He stood there in silence watching her taking another step away from him, every step causing a new wound in his heart. It doesn’t matter now for her, but for him he’s dying silently and begging the Lord for a miracle to make her turn back, look at him and give him one last chance. She never did, and he gave up asking for her forgiveness, what was broken can never be rebuild again.  Things could never be the same, there would always be a scar to remind them, there would always be tears shed when recalling the reason for this scar….  Just like when we see the sun disappearing behind the sea, we miss the moment when we take their love for granted, when we do the things that hurt them and push them away, it never occurs to us until we watch them fading away, only then we know how much they means to us.  It is our decision to lose those we love, but we watch them leaving and only then realize we are left with just the darkness and the night….

Jason realized how he let his losses affect his life, by trying to forget the loss of his mother he had suffered other losses, the only girl he loved and who will never be back to his life, and himself too.  So he gathered the pieces of his broken heart.  He knew the mistakes he made and learned a lot from them.  He doesn’t want to ask anyone to give him a chance anymore.  He’s a new guy now, working on himself to be better person.  Though the scars will always be there, though the tears will always flow when he misses her, it was his choice and he’s paying the price for making them.  Playing his guitar and singing to entertain himself, he’s back on the right track now.  He’s now aware, more than ever, he won’t ask anyone for another chance to forgive him.  If people don’t want to see that he deserves it, then let it be.  As for him, he will give himself one last chance, because he knows he deserves it.  People make mistakes but the most important thing is that you know you are on the wrong track and get back to right one.  If you apologize for what you did, that is the first step on your way to change.  If they don’t accept your apology, never beg others to give you a chance.

You are the one who deserves it, allow yourself to have it, especially if you have only One Last Chance…

  Jinan

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

May 14, 2011 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words, youth | 7 Comments

To My Daughter With Love…


Every morning with the sunrise, a new pain starts in someone’s life, a new hope is renewed in someone’s eyes, fighting to live, or fighting to give.  Give the person who needs them, the caring and the love they are lacking…

Sarah lives in the city now, has to learn to deal with this kind of life.  Where the time passes so fast, people running to get early to work, as if they are chasing time. She comes from a village, a place in the mountains where everything is calm and quiet. Where all the people know each other and care for each other, even if they are in a hurry.  They have the time to look at the person who’s passing them by and say good morning.  But from now on, she has to get used to the city life, for the sake of her angel…. As usual, every morning she drinks her coffee rapidly, gets dressed, takes her flowers and runs rapidly so to never miss her morning customer.

It’s true she has all the day to sell her flowers, but looking at this one persons eyes in the morning making her rich, not financially, but emotionally…. Those eyes fill her heart with happiness, and her day with security.  “Good morning madam”, this the voice she waits to hear every morning.  She looks back at that girl and says, “Good morning to you young lady, here’s your flower”.  With a shining smile the young girl takes her flower and gives the dollar to the flower seller.  “Thank you, your flowers fill my days with a warm perfume”. With a little cute wink from that girl’s eyes, the lady’s day is as perfect. Selling that one flower to a stranger allows her to gain not just a dollar but also a smile that will never leave her face the whole day…  In her room she has a big diary, where she writes the date and details of that first flower that she sells each day.  Beside every flower, she writes what exactly she saw in the girl’s eyes, what she felt when she saw her, and how much she is grateful that she met her that day.

Sarah doesn’t have friends, those she had are all back in the town she left, where nobody knows for what reason she left.  She went to search for someone who brings happiness to her life, for someone to give a reason for her to live after she had given up on living.

Sarah’s story began when she married a young rich man from the city.  He was a very gentle and wise man who came to her town to visit his cousin.  The cousin was Sarah’s friend, but she never thought that one day this would end up in love.  But this is how things go sometimes, and over the course of many visits to the town, love grew strong between Sarah and Ethan, until one day they decided to get married.  Her family had their concerns about the marriage, Ethan was a person from an upper class family and Sarah’s family were very normal.  They were afraid that this class difference would have effects for Sarah’s future happiness.  But when these fears were exposed to Ethan, he assured her that these were illusions and nothing was going to happen, he would buy a property in Sarah’s town so they could live in peace.

After two years they had a baby girl, Emma.  The baby filled their life with happiness, and for several more years Sarah’s life with her husband was wonderful. Love, laughter, amazing moments to remember forever, and Emma’s presence adding so much fascinating happiness to their days.  Until one day, Ethan went on a business trip and never come back.  The train he was on crashed and he with hundreds of other people died. Emma was only 3 years old, and for Sarah all her years burned in front of her eyes. She felt she’s been left alone, Ethan was her whole world, she felt like a stranger in the world.  Though her family and her friends were all around her, she could never feel any connection to them.  A couple of months later, Ethan’s brother showed up asking to take Emma to raise her in the city with his parents. Ethan’s family were against his marriage to Sarah, but Ethan had left them all in shock by moving to marry the small town girl who had captured his heart. Sarah tried to resist, to keep her daughter with her, but the powerful have ways and they took Emma away.  Since that moment Sarah never knew anything about her daughter. The years went by, and with every year a piece of Sarah’s heart were dying. Only the memory of her husband was left, and of Emma’s laughter, that she seemed to hear all the time…

As the years passed by she changed into another person, shaped by the tears and the pain, by memories of her angel’s giggles and her husband waving with his last smile on his face.  Until one day, Sarah received a letter from a friend of Ethan’s, a letter with Emma’s address. Sarah couldn’t believe that after 18 years she might see her daughter. She packed her up her life in a suitcase and went to the city.  Challenged by everything, a community that she was unused to living with, strange people she didn’t know how to talk to…  The first thing she did was search for Emma’s address and try to think of an excuse to talk to her.  The photos that were sent in the letter showed how pretty and wealthy Emma was.  Her grand parents took care of her it seemed, but not enough, since they raised her away from her mother.  Standing on the street facing Emma’s apartment, Sarah waited for Emma to leave her place. 

Then as if from nowhere a beautiful lady walked out the gate, talking on her phone. Sarah looked at the photo she’s holding tightly between her hands, so tense as if she was afraid she would drop it.  Sarah compared it with the girl and the tears ran down her face, that was Emma, that was her daughter.  She wanted to run towards her and hold her so tight, but she couldn’t.  Her baby girl is there grown up to become a pretty lady.  Sarah felt as if she was safe again, with a new reason to live, and a new reason to love her life.  She rented a small room and with time she collected information about her daughter’s life.  And with everything she needed to know she was ready, set herself up to sell flowers.

Sarah’s first day of selling flowers started when she stood near where Emma waited for her driver to take her to the university.  With weak steps she got near to Emma and said, “a red flower every morning will fill your day with warm perfume and add smiles to your face pretty lady”.  Emma turned around and looked at the woman’s eyes, with a shining smile she said “Sure, why not. Are you new here?”  Sarah felt like her heart was stopping, not sure if it was from happiness that she was standing in front of her daughter after 18 years, or sadness from missing all these days watching her growing up.  Sarah wanted to tell her that she was new in this place, but not new in Emma’s life.  She wanted to tell her that she was the one who had given birth to her, but she gathered herself and said, “Yes, I’m new in this place, I’m trying to sell my flowers, but not all people are interested in buying flowers”. Emma smiled and said, “Well, now you have got a new customer, what about if I meet you every morning in this place to buy a red flower?”   With a little wink Emma added, “And don’t you dare to miss this appointment ok ma’am?” That little cute wink, her dad used to make it.  Lord help me, Sarah felt drained and about to pass out, it was almost too much to handle.  But yet she thanked God for finding her angel again. “Ok” Sarah said, “How can I miss looking at such an angelic face like yours young lady?”  Emma wished Sarah a happy day as she left.

For the next several years, Sarah had a reason to wake up and live every morning. Emma graduated from her university and started her own work, and Sarah followed all Emma’s news.  Due to the trust they built they became quite close.  But that friendship never crossed that corner in the street, the place where for Sarah the whole world turned around.  Standing in the cold to sell flowers wasn’t easy though, Sarah’s health started to get bad and she got a lung infection.  Her face started to look ill and under her eyes there were black circles, which showed how tired she was getting day after day.  Emma used to check on her and offer to take her to the Doctor, but Sarah didn’t want to, all she used to say was “I’m fine, I don’t feel any pain”.  Sarah was afraid to miss a day of seeing her angel’s face in the morning, and she would convince herself and her daughter that she was fine.

One day Emma came to the place to buy her flower as usual, but she couldn’t find Sarah.  She was worried about her, standing in the middle of the street looking left and right, trying to find someone to ask about the flower seller.  A man asked her “Are you looking for your friend?” Emma turned quickly and really concerned replied “Yes, have you seen her today?”  He said “Unfortunately, we found her this morning lying in the street, I think they took her to ER”.  Emma interrupted him and asked, “do you know where she lives?”  The man was surprised,  “You don’t know where she lives?”  Emma replied “No, she never told me”.  The man smiled, and said “in a little room under the stairs”…  Emma was shocked.  She went to check the room, the door was unlock, the room had one bathroom, but not even a kitchen.  When she stepped into the room she stood powerless, not believing what she was looking at…  Photos of her from when she was a little baby, but she never had photos when she was that age.  She saw Sarah’s diary where she had written alongside every flower she had sold Emma, how she had felt to see her Angel’s eyes.  In the drawer she even found the letter that had caused Sarah to move to the city.  Emma couldn’t believe it, she recalled how every year on mother’s day Sarah used to say, “Here this is another red flower for your mom on her day”.  Emma used to reply, “Thank you but my mother died when I was a little girl, my grand parents raised me”.  Emma recalled that she used to see tears in Sarah’s eyes, she though she was feeling Emma’s loss and pain.  Then Sarah used to give her an extra flower and said, “Take this for free, but in water as if you are buying it for your mom and you are going to see her tomorrow, she will feel your love”.

Emma stayed in shock for hours, crying, and not know what to do.  Having doubts, and yet no doubt, at the reality of Sarah revealed, her real mom.  Running to the ER to see her mother, she saw her lying in the bed without any movement, without any breath.  Another visitor had reached this the place before Emma. Death!  Emma stood there in a silence, not only her heart was breaking, she felt her soul was aching too.  A voice cut her thoughts and the silence, “Do you know this woman?”  Emma replied  “Yes, she’s my mother”. The nurse handing Emma a letter said, “She gave me this letter with this photo and asked me to give it to her daughter when she comes”.  Emma took the letter with shivering hands and started reading…

To my daughter with love…

I never knew real happiness until you came to my life, you decorated my days with your angelic smile, I never knew how to deal with death, how to die every day in a new way, until they took you away from me, and then I never knew how to come back to life again until I met you again after 18 years.

I know when you read this letter I’ll be gone, I know you have so many questions to ask.  I came to the city searching for you.  The room I rented faced your room.  It’s a tiny room but through that window that faced your apartment I used to feel that I’m living in a castle, and looking through it’s window to my real world, you.

I convinced you to buy a red flower every day from me because it would bring warm smiles to your days.  I was selfish to ask this, I wanted these smiles so much after I lost them so many long years ago. It was you giving me those smiles, it was looking at your eyes, that gave me the courage to keep on living.

Don’t cry after me, I’ll be always near.  Sometimes life gives us a reason to cry and sometimes a reason to smile.  Life gave me reason to cry for long years, but you my precious daughter are the reason to make me smile.  Even at this moment while I am close to death…

 Jinan

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April 26, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, Canada, childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, Words, youth | 11 Comments

The Killing Loop


“Yes, I’m his father”. With head bowed down and his words come with a breeze of shivering, showing that he already expected to hear what that man is coming to say.  The Officer went ahead with his talking, saying “we found his body beside your wife’s grave after we received a phone call, we are sorry to bring you such sad news sir”.  He stood in a killing silence for minutes, wishing it’s a nightmare, he can’t stand on his legs any more, his knees felt so weak. The room seems so dark though it’s only just past noon and the sun’s shining.  Spring was carrying a promise of days filled with happiness and so many plans to share with his 19 years old son Dani, but the news he just heard will carry nothing but cloudy days with endless sadness…

Heading to the hospital is the longest ride he ever drove. He felt like the road is getting longer, though the distance between his place and the hospital is only 15 minutes.  He recalled the times he brought his son to this same hospital two years ago with his wife, who passed away after suffering from cancer.  They had only had the one son, Dani, and he was the world to both of them. But now he feels so apart from the world, he’s driving not sure if he’s taking the right road, can’t figure out if the track will lead him to the hospital to see his son for the last time, or to his wife’s grave to tell her how much he needs and misses her presence in that moment…. 

After he reaches the hospital, his weak steps want to pull him back, he wants any excuse to get back into the car.  He is scared about the coming moment, the moment that will reveal to him the cause of the death.  Although he’s sure what was behind it, still he never expect that things would end up in this painful way…. 

“Sorry for your loss”  the doctor says as he entered the room, but the father interrupts him, asking “what’s the cause of death?” “Overdose” the doctor replied… “we found a trace from drug needles in his hands, your son was a drug addicts and it seems he reached to the highest level”.  The father collapsed crying, feeling he was accusing himself of killing his son, saying “I never wanted to read the signs.”  But now the signs of Dani’s death would be in front of his eyes for the rest of his life, every time he visits his sons grave. “RIP Dani..”

Dani lost his mother when he was aged 17 years, at the age where he needs caring and loving people in hi life.  After he suffered seeing his mother fighting with cancer for more than a year, he lost his mom, but in an indirect way he lost his dad too.  For his dad was drowning in agony, his wife’s illness affecting his life, and he forgot that he had a son who needed him and feeling the same bitter pain from losing his mother.  With days their life changed, Dani used to come back home from school and see his mom in the kitchen preparing his food, waking him up in the morning, taking him to school if he’s late to catch his bus… After she was diagnosed with cancer she never changed her caring treatment towards her son and husband, not until the disease progressed too far and she got really tired… When his mother passed away, for Dani there was no need to be home after school, especially when his father was not there anymore too. Even if his father was there in body, in his mind he was with his wife.  For Dani it meant he lost both his mom and his dad…. 

Dani started to hang out more than he should have been allowed to, at age 18 he had his first beer, then he started to party with guys he met in the bars and in the streets, he got involved more and more with them.  He felt much better when there was something distracting him from feeling lonely, and his pain he lived in after his mom’s passed away…  He used to obey his parents to be at home before midnight, now spending the night out was a normal thing to him, he didn’t have to sneak back to his bed, he simply returned through the main door of the house.  He knew his Dad was asleep, and his mom was no longer alive to keep up waiting and worry for him… Though there was no rules to follow, he missed fighting with his mom about coming late home.  He missed her presence, he used to think that she’s going to be waiting for me tonight, but she never was…. With his father careless towards him, Dani was drowning, and after every visit to his mom’s grave he was falling… falling apart from the reality of who he used to be… Until one of his friends recommended marijuana and he felt happy at experiencing something new in his life.  But from marijuana things progressed to new kinds of drugs.  When he started on heroin though, he faced difficulties to provide money, so he was stealing and making deals with the drug suppliers, to set up with new teenagers and buy them drugs… 

His dad noticed that something was changing with his son, but he never gave enough attention, he just thought it was all about partying and getting drunk.  He noticed that his son’s temper was getting bad, but he thought it was from missing his mom that was making this change in his personality… He had never used to fight with his son, but now every day brought a new reason to fight. They used to hold each others hands when mom was alive, and pray before they have their lunch or dinner, now his dad never touch his son’s hand simply because they don’t sit at the same table anymore… The street life were taking Dani away from his home, the drugs were making him forget about who he used to be, and all the plans he had for his future faded away.  The happy life he used to live had become a nightmare, his mom was gone and his dad was still alive, but it was as if he had passed away too…

The last talk Dani had with his father  was actually a fight, a big fight.  He left home and never come back again for days. His dad saw by accident the marks on Dani’s hands, the needle track’s. He was worried that his son was using drugs.  He wanted to contact a treatment center to send his son to, to help his son to clean his body from this poison… He went to his son’s room, he tried to find something that would tell him that maybe he was wrong, but all the things that belonged to his son were missing… For three days he though and hoped his son was just spending time at a friend’s place and he would come get back home as usual.  He was wrong, when he opened the door to an Officer instead of opening it to welcome his son, he knew that Dani would never step into this home again, that he was alone in this place….

Drug abuse – there are so many reason that lead guys, especially teenagers, to fall into this trap.  Family problems, violence, divorce that affect the children, lacking for caring and love, etc.. Boys/girls can try to find something to help them forget their problems, the fake happiness that can be waiting for them in any place they go; school, street, party, trip etc.  The noose is ready to surround their life and kill them in any moment they lose faith and hope to save themselves…  Some people start their addiction through painkillers, and they get involve without even thinking it might lead them to be drug addictions. Once they accept the first cigarette that contain drugs they are putting the rope around their neck.  The more they get involve the more that killing loop tightens on their life, the higher they get the closer they are getting to death, until the moment comes when the loop get so tight they can’t breath, or even scream for help….

Dani’s father stood by his son’s grave after the funeral, knowing how much he had ignored his son after his wife was gone…  He thinks of his son and the times they spent together, the laughter they had, but all those memories he recalls were two years ago.  He feels as if he has never seen him since he last saw his wife.  His son was in front of him all the time but they never shared anything after mother passed away…  Now he needs his son.  He cries for them both, he feels guilty and collapses on the grass… He asks his son to forgive him for the times he didn’t see him though he was standing in front of him.  He apologize for the words he never heard, while he acted as if he did… He knew it’s not Dani’s fault, it was his own.  Dani took the overdose beside his mothers grave, that much he missed her to follow her, that much he was desperate…

Dani’s father never read the signs, though they were so clear to read… But now there is a big sign he will be forced to read every time he visit their graves, and he can do nothing about it..

“RIP Dani, you’ll be missed”…

 Jinan

April 4, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, Nature, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Speak, suicide, Thought, Trust, Violence, Words, youth | 7 Comments

Behind Closing Doors


Have you ever looked deeply in their eyes? There is a hidden message, have you ever read it? Through their silence, did you try to hear their unspoken words? They were screaming for help, have you ever heard them? When they take away their own life, you judge them as bad people or even unstable ones, but who knows what they have been through to reach that level of depression that pushed them to commit suicide? Behind closing doors we never know what’s going on in other’s lives.

People face a tremendous number of troubles, a few prefer to consult a psychologist, and some think that it’s a personal issue no one should interfere with. In the other hand they drown in the troubles. They keep on increasing until they lose control of themselves; they pay the price or the people who are close to them pay the price. Sometimes, the problem may be a very simple one, but it depends on the age of the person. When a 10 year old boy/girl faces a situation of bullying in school, at the same time he/she might have family problems and no one is there to listen to them. That for sure would affect their life, especially with the insecurity they are facing in their home. They would be having difficulties in their study, and also lack of self-esteem. They would think that they are not welcome in this life, instead of having good time in school to forget their problems at home, they are being scared to go there watching everyone destroying them. And when they go back home after school, instead of having a loving family who can help them, they are having a hard time with their parents. For them it is as if they are moving from hell to hell. When those children commit suicide, then everyone would wake up, and start searching for the reasons that lead that child to take away his/her life. They start wondering and recalling how they were always calm; they were polite and never talked in a loud voice. They were obeying, never hurt anyone. At home their parents go to check if there are any obstacles that their child was facing in school, and there they know what was going on with their child, but after what? After they lost them. Where were they when their child was coming back from school with teary eyes? Where were they when they called him/her for lunch and said they prefer to stay in their room? Where were they when their child woke up crying and feeling scared not knowing what to do. They never think of their child until after they lose them. They then remember that they should go and ask about what was happening with their child. This is what I call selfish. When parents want to be selfish, why would they get married? When they don’t want to protect their children with their eyes, why would they have children? If they are immature to solve their troubles with wisdom, why would they involve other lives in theirs?

 We don’t expect a 10 year old child or even 15 years old teen to get what’s going on around them. When it’s too much to handle, especially at this age , they need caring people to keep on watching over them and guiding them to the right track, because even if they passed that phase in their life, they might drown later when they get older. They would be involved in other issues, like: drugs, violence, stealing etc.. If they opened their eyes watching their dad violent with their mom, they would do the same when they get married, and they would consider their actions right, because their dad is their idle. We never know what’s going on behind closing doors. Families face battles, and the silence that covers up, we would explore suddenly with hearing shocking news, and our first thought is: “They looked like a very happy family, what happened to them?” But the truth is, they’ve never been a happy family, their home’s doors were closing all the time, and we never know what was going on there. However, some people love to judge others; it’s in their nature. They never look at the reasons that led to that person to take way his/her life; they always focus on the result.

A little accident happened with me lately. Someone knocked on our door, I opened up and I saw an old man in his early 60’s. He seemed lost, something in his eyes made me wonder at the same moment what’s with that man. He asked me about my dad, I replied that dad is not home. I was about to ask him if he would like to leave a message to dad, he left me talking to myself and turned his back and left. My mom came at that moment and saw me and the expression on my face because of how he left. She asked me: “Who’s that? And what does he want?” I was really shocked and said, “What’s going on with that man? He just left me talking to myself without saying a word of thanks. I was kind of not satisfied about what he did, especially that I was very polite with him. My mother smiled for what happened with me, but in someway, that man stuck on my head. I kept thinking of what was wrong with him, he seemed very lost, his eyes were really teary. I felt something wrong with him and that’s why he was on my mind until a few days ago, I heard that he committed suicide. I was shocked, and recalled the moment I opened the door and saw him standing there lost, as if he’s searching for something. I knew the reason why he left me talking to myself without even saying “Thank you” or if as he’ll come again later. I recognized how much he was not there even when he was there asking about my dad. He wasn’t focusing on what he’s doing or with whom he’s talking. Later on, I knew from others who knew that man that he has tremendous troubles in his family and with his son. I wish I never saw him. I keep wondering why did he give up at this age? He must have been in a very difficult situation through his life, but why would he give up now? He’s supposed to be stronger and wiser to deal with his problems. But then again, I’m not in his shoes to know what was going on with that old man. I keep recalling his teary eyes and wish I could help him. I never knew that people at this age might take away their life too. Now I know more than ever, that no matter how strong the person might be, no matter how happy the person might look, in one moment he might be the weakest, and in one moment he might collapse and break down. 

Never bully a person, you should be thinking that you may be pushing them to end their lives. Never ignore the tears you see in other’s eyes, with one question you ask: “Are you okay? Can I help you?” you may be saving his life by knowing that there is someone ready to open his arms and hold them and stand by them. Always try to make those who feel insecure, feel security. Find a way and show them love and care, you may be helping them to live longer.

Behind closing doors, there is a hidden secret; you can’t break those doors to find the truth. But at least, never judge in a bad way on those who take away their life, or even on those who try to and fail. Ask yourself why didn’t you wipe their tears at least once? Why didn’t you hear them screaming instead of closing your ears? Why didn’t you think to solve their problems when they kept silent? It’s true that their home’s door was closed and you couldn’t do anything to help, but why didn’t you ever take the chance to get close to them when they opened the door and left their home, instead of judging them?

  Jinan

November 28, 2010 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, news, others, outsiders, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Violence, Words, youth | 6 Comments

Angels On Earth


For every person on this earth, there is an angel who exists to protect him/her from everything, to guide them to the right direction when they lose their way, and light their days with love and joy when they feel the shadow of sadness trying to haunt them. It’s true that God has sent us angels to stay in our life to look after us from the moment we open our eyes in this world; those two angels are our parents. From the time we start talking the first two words, their names are the first to verbalize, mom and dad. Ever since we march our very first steps we have their hand to grab on to, to help us stand after every fall. Through the nights, our mother’s lap is the bed we sleep in, and her shoulder is the pillow that makes us feel safe. Her eyes never blink when ours are crying and her tender hand keeps on touching our face to make us feel secure. From time to time our dad takes her place to take care of us. We are born on this earth but god never leaves us alone; he sent us his angels to make sure we’ll be safe.

For every word we say, they make of it a story and tell their friends and family members about what their little babies said. For every move we make they spread laughter in the place, sometimes they pretend they didn’t see what we did or what we said; so they ask us to do it again and again to enjoy the moment. We start to be their world that they can’t imagine to live without, all the sacrifices they make, all the suffering they go through to have us in their life, they forget it all in one minute when we look at them and they say something lovely.  All the way from our childhood to our youth, they are the angels that protect us by watching us day and night, even when we are young enough, they can’t help but check our room to make sure we are covered enough. They worry about us, sometimes this worrying bothers us, and sometimes we miss feeling that we are that much loved by feeling their worry.  Fighting, screaming, and losing their temper but they keep on praying for us no matter what we do or how mad they are. The room for forgiveness and tenderness never leaves their heart. They yell at us when we are babies but they kiss us on the cheek when we are asleep. Those are the angels God has sent to us, they are our mother and father.

But, during our journey in this life some kids change from being good to bad. This happens due to many circumstances they have been through since they were kids. Maybe poverty that let the kids grow up in anger watching whole years of other children having all the stuff they dream about, but they can’t have even one meal to stop their hunger through the day. They grow up thinking about those who have a normal life as people who they should take revenge on. Other kids grow up blaming their parents for not taking care of them enough, by being busy all the time. They come back home but no one is there. Maybe their parents are divorced, maybe both their parents are working hard to provide for them a good life. They live lacking the care and missing their mother opening the door for them and prepare their food instead of doing that by themselves or the maid as a replacement to their mom’s turn. This is one of the reason that let the kids grow up blaming their parents for not being there when they need them, they forget that even when their parents are not home it’s a big sacrifice from them to afford a good life to their kids. It’s no longer a choice, sometimes it’s a must they have to work hard rather than watching their children’s lacking for specific things.

And, when parents get old losing the power to take care of themselves, they need our help to drink and to get fed. They start to fear walking alone, and they need to afford our help to walk with them. They start to forget things and feel that it is hard to deal with other things. They need our presence beside them to explain for them about stuffs; maybe it’s the same stuff they helped us to understand when we were little kids. They return back to babies, who feel insecure, and don’t have any idea what’s going on around them. Aging might cause problems with their health, like with hearing, their eyes and their memory. They have no control on their behavior, and their sensitivity increases. We might see them crying because of one word that has been said to them; a normal word for us might have been painful and wounded once for them. By this time, our time comes to take care of the two angles who held us since we opened our eyes to this world, not only by being the devils that makes them feel as if they are living in hell, but by appreciating all the things they have done for us. Some people send their parents to a place where they take care of old people. They leave them there for months and years never asking if they are doing fine. They think deep inside that they are doing their duty. Is this a duty? To put your mother or father with strangers to take care of them? To sleep at night thinking about your own happiness and never thinking that there are two people who were checking your room while you were sleeping as a baby, every 2 minutes to make sure you are fine when you were sick? Now you left them in that place, where they feel insecure and scared; hoping that you knock on their room’s door asking if they are fine instead of these strangers who are getting paid by you to take care of them. They served you since you opened your eyes with happiness; they always say we are blessed by having these children in our house. So why would their presence at this age be a curse in your life?

You pay for strangers to take care of your parents when they get old, because you don’t have the time and the patience to sit with them and talk with them, while they gave you all the time when you were a little baby. You used to ask them about the strange things you don’t get, and they spent hours and hours explaining to you what that means. And now when they aged, they ask you something and you don’t bother to look in their eyes and explain for them. You reply while you keep reading a book or busy working on something. If they ask you for the second time, you get mad and yell at them; you lose your temper in minutes while they used to repeat the same thing to you for hours and smile in every time they explain it again. This is not the good way to treat our parents when they age. They were the angels who protected us and were there for us our whole life; they show us happiness even though they were crying silently just to  let us feel secure. They sell their favorite things even if it was sad to do that, but it was to buy other things that make us smile. They lie to us thousands of times when they say they are fine, but later on we know they are not. They were there to hold us when we feel lonely, to support us when we feel weak. To wipe our tears when we cry and tap us on our shoulders saying we’ll be fine. It’s unfair to treat them in the way that big numbers of people do, and the number is increasing , this is really disturbing. If we never appreciate what our parents did for us, how do we expect our own children to treat us later on?  I’m sure that God would let them treat us the same way we treated our own parents. Why should we keep the photos where your mother is holding your hand to help you walk while you will push her hand when she asks you to help her for a little walk? Why should you let your children watch a video while your father is teaching you how to spell the words, by saying it so many times and his eyes shining in every time you say it right, when you will yell at him by asking him to ask someone else about specific thing he want to know? Why keep the photos, if you don’t want to learn from them how to appreciate those who spent their lives thinking they are blessed to have you in their life?

Some people treat their parents in a perfect and respected way when they get old, others might not have a good relationship with their mother or father but when they get older they always stay there to help them, because they know no matter what they did to him, he/she should be beside them those kind of people who truly appreciate the meaning of parents in their lives. But for those who treat their mother/father in a bad way, they should always have a glimpse to their life since the moment they opened their eyes. Think about them as human being first then as your parents , you might be good to strangers but at the same time your parents are in a place praying to see your face even once a week. Your duty is not to send them to a place to provide for their needs, your duty is to appreciate all the things they did for you, and be by their sides all the time. How many times did you wake up at night screaming for your mom, and the moment she holds you, you feel safe? How many times were you with your father in a crowded place, and when he disappeared for one minute you got scared between those strangers, and the moment he came back, you ran to him and held him so tight as if you will never let him go? What would you think now while your parents are waking up in the night, crying silently, scared from all things that they are going through in life; scared from the place you put them in, feeling pain from your treatment? And in every time they get sick and think that the shadow of death is getting near, they wish that you are beside them taking care of them, and when the door opens, a stranger asking them if they need anything, how painful is it that it’s not you who runs towards them and gives them a hug?Remember that feeling when you were scared till death when you were lost between strangers? What would you feel if you were in the dark and strangers knock on your door instead of your daughter/son?

People say that angels exist but we can’t see them. They say that to every single person there are angels who always surround them and protect them from any pain, but we can’t see them. But the truth is that the moment we open our eyes we see our angels, holding us, protecting us, worrying about us, feeling sad for our sadness and doing their best to provide us with happiness. They are our two angels who deserve all the respect and love from us; they keep their wings around us to protect us, so when those wings are broken and fall down, we should hold them by our two hands tightly, and never let it go until either when our hands break down or if they die and leave this world.

 Jinan

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October 23, 2010 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, Hate, Human Rights, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words, youth | 11 Comments

The child who touched my heart


Four years old, he was sitting on the floor playing with his toys when I entered with my friend. We were visiting his mother. I don’t know her; I was just there because my friend asked me to accompany her. Looking at me with an innocent smile, never a word towards me from the minute I entered; it seemed to me that he was used to my friend’s presence. I was watching him, he didn’t move from his place. I never got any vibe that he might have any problem. Maybe I noticed he couldn’t talk, but then I thought that maybe he’s still too young to talk yet or maybe just too shy. There I was, a stranger in his house, yet he was smiling all the time, as if he wanted to come to sit on my lap, but it was as if something was preventing him from doing so. My friend asked him to go to her, but then I found out what I never expected to find. He was crawling to reach her. For a moment, I froze, watching him crawl, looking at the smile that never left his face, and trying to figure out what’s wrong with him. He looks healthy, but a four year old, not being able to walk? That seemed odd to me. So I asked his mom what’s wrong and she said, “He had a problem in his head since he was born and he had surgery months ago.” When I asked her if he will stay like that for the rest of his life, she said: “He is undergoing therapy; he might or might not get better.”

I felt as if someone moved me to another world so different from mine, where I felt a tragedy consuming an innocent heart, and the happiness not there long enough to leave even a footprint. His smile that he kept showing, it was that effort that kept him afloat from drowning through his life’s tragedy.

After the hard effort he made, he reached out to my friend and kept pointing at me. My friend held him and handed him to me. Having him on my lap was another feeling; he was talking words I never heard but I felt them so deep. Those words made me cry silently, yet I felt my tears shedding down on my face when I knew that his words meant that he wanted to leave the house with me. I was asking him questions and smiling but I couldn’t hide my tears; it was the first time that a child made me cry and touched my heart so deeply. I don’t remember what I was saying but all what I was trying to do is to avoid my friend and the child’s mother from seeing my tears falling. Maybe I didn’t want his mother to feel bad about her son or maybe I didn’t want to show the hidden side of my personality, the side that I always try to keep hidden.

I thought I’m a strong human being but I was surprised how in less than a minute God showed me that I’m the weakest. And showed me  how blessed I am  just because i’m able to walk . I thought I’m the happiest but in less than an hour God showed me that he can make me the saddest and the happiness can fade away in one second.

I kept holding the child and I felt as If something was binding me to him. I felt it even stronger when it was time to leave. His eyes were begging me to stay as if he’s a prisoner but it wasn’t jail. His hands were holding my hands tightly as if I’m the only one who will save him from his unlimited suffering. But I couldn’t do anything to help; it was the weakest moment I ever felt in my whole life. I knew how weak we are in front of God’s will,  no matter how much we have faith in God, we feel it’s so little when we stand up crippled in front of  the fate he draws us to.

He held my hand and in his other hand he was holding his little pillow. I remember his mother’s answer after I asked her about it; she used to put it on his head to protect the injured area after his surgery. In the middle of the night, he wakes up to hold it as if it’s the only friend he has.

On my way back home, I didn’t stop asking my friend questions about his situation; my heart was torn. The image of his little face kept coming back to me, his helpless words, and his voice that kept playing in my ears. He was just a four year old child who I saw for the first time, who crawled towards me with a hopeless smile, asking me for something. However, I still don’t know what it was… All I knew was that he touched my heart. I realized how weak I am and the tears keep shedding down my face with every time I remember that child’s face…

 Jinan

July 22, 2010 Posted by | Canada, childhood, emotions, English, fear, friendship, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, news, others, Peace, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Words | 15 Comments

Mom Come Back Home…


“I wish I didn’t wake up today”, with wet eyes the young guy opened his eyes, after trying to get back to sleep, but he couldn’t….. Today is mother’s day, but where’s my mother today? Resting in peace…

He recalled the last year when he celebrated with her this day, he didn’t know it was the last occasion to share it with his mother, if he knew that, he would have asked God to stop the time, to keep her forever  in his life…

 If he knew that it was the last mother’s day for her, he would spend the whole day telling her how much her presence is appreciated and important to him… Last year she was here, but today she’s not, last year he bought her flowers on mother’s day, her  face was shining  taking the flowers from him ,  she held him with her warm arms, he almost felt himself in heaven,  while her arms were surrounding him, he felt like the angels were protecting him….. It was the last time he celebrated it with his mother.…. It was the last time he felt he was blessed by her angelic soul…..

 

“Today, I’m going to her grave”….. He mumbled, he looked towards his room’s door expecting her to knock on the door asking if he’s awake, he was waiting to hear her voice calling  from downstairs telling him to get up,  the breakfast is ready. But it was all illusions that drift him to jump from his bed believing that she’s in the kitchen preparing his breakfast, but when he got  there he broke down, knowing that he was drifted behind his illusions, his mother is not here, not in any place , his mother passed away year ago, and he’s here by his own, with her memories, thinking how his life went downwards since his mother died….

 It’s so weird, his life went as a short movie that morning, since his very first step when he was a little baby, the way she was crying after every fall he fell down, he recalled his first day in school, she stayed  with him the whole day to make sure he’s ok… With every step he took in his life, she was there for him. When he succeeded she was there to clap her hands and tell him how much she’s proud of him, and when he  failed, she was always there to tell him never mind everything is going to be ok, she was always there to hold him in his good times and bad times…. His mother was simply his world…. But today,  his world collapsed, his mother gone forever, he felt as if it’s the end of his world, nothing is going right, his life became darkness after he lost his light in his mother’s soul…..

Through his window he watched the people passing by his house, those who are holding gifts in their ways to their mother’s place, and others whose holding flowers  spreading the laughter’s  looking so happy only minutes apart them from meeting their mothers….

 He was standing watching with a broken heart, wishing if she can come home today, his illusion again tricked him, when he ran to open the door, expecting her back home again, but with disappointment, he found nobody standing at the front door… He felt it’s time to be brave and visit her grave…

 With all the sadness in the world, he walked to the graveyard, and put the flowers on her grave. He stood there with no words to speak, only tears….. He cried when he  told his mother  how  much he needs her, he apologized if he made her upset someday, he told her how much he needs to be surrounded by her arms to feel safe, because he feels so cold and his whole world has been breaking down since she died…..  He told her how hard it is to go back home every day since she left and not find her waiting for him there…..

But when he turned away with helpless steps  taking him far from this place, his heart was still there breaking over her grave begging her saying ” Please Mom, come back home!”

 Jinan

March 22, 2010 Posted by | Canada, childhood, Death, emotions, English, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Middle East, Mother, silence, Speak, Thought, USA, Words | 9 Comments