Jinan Zeidan's Blog

Just another WordPress.com weblog

Sometimes


image

Sometimes, we feel that we can’t talk, our voice is a prisoner inside us, our soul wants to fly but it’s a prisoner in this life…

Sometimes, we feel we can’t trust people who are really so close to us, so near…
Sometimes we feel we want to block every street so we can head nowhere…
Sometimes, it’s just them not us, whom we really fear meeting there…..

And sometimes, when they ask how we feel. we smile, telling a lie that we are fine, just to push them away…

Jinan

Advertisements

April 2, 2016 Posted by | emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Hurt, Life, Love, Memories, Peace, Promises, silence, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words | 2 Comments

So Dear…


It’s not about the tears we shed, it’s about the reasons that are behind them.

It’s not about the attitude we show, it’s about the pain we hide

It’s never easy to say how we feel when our heart is broken inside.

In the silence we drown in the words we feel the urge to say

When the moment of feeling lost covers the heart and we try so hard to understand

What is going on; the truth about what we see, is it real?

The pain in our soul, why is it so deep?

It’s not about them or us, it’s about when we get lost

One word, in one word that they didn’t mean, in one act which was by mistake

Is it a crime to be real and speak your mind ?

It’s not about the distance we create, it’s about the days we miss without listening to a word

It’s a day of feeling lost, real happiness escapes..

It’s not about the confusion that we feel,

It’s all about that no matter what happens they will always be soo dear….

Jinan

February 3, 2014 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Lebanon, Letters, Love, Memories, outsiders, Overseas, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Trust, unfaithful, Words, youth | Leave a comment

Dancing With The Devil


After she slammed the door of her room, it was so difficult for her thoughts to take her to a clear place. She sat on her bed recalling the happiest days she spent with her ex Mark, who she just broke up with; but she still couldn’t believe that he was cheating on her. Suzan was still under shock; she wasn’t aware of anything around her, not even the noises that were sneaking into her room that were caused by her siblings. The noises entered the room but not her hearing; she was living in denial for hours, but the only words she was speaking out were: “Oh dear God, I was with the Devil.”

The story started a year ago when Suzan met Mark at a wedding party. Back then, Mark was sitting at the party alone, smoking and drinking a lot. It seems he was in another world, away from all the people who surrounded him. Every time the lights fell on him, his teary eyes were exposed to some friends, but none of them had the ability to ease his pain, or make him talk to forget it. He had been like that for months since his ex left him for no reason. Suzan was also suffering from her ex, but had now moved on after facing tough times. She is now stronger than before, or at least that’s what she thinks. She promised herself that she won’t open her heart to anyone until she finds the right guy who deserves her heart. But destiny had another plan for both of them.

“Excuse me,” Suzan said and continued “would you please stop smoking?” Mark didn’t give her any attention simply because he didn’t hear her. Suzan noticed that, tapped on his shoulder, and said “Are you okay?” Mark gave Suzan a glimpse and then looked back deeply in her eyes and said, “Oh sorry, what did you say?” Suzan smiled and tried to show some sense of humor and said, “I said the weather is nice tonight.” Mark smiled back and then laughed, looking at her with this bright smile and the sound of her laughter made him feel something he couldn’t explain. Mark felt that he wanted to keep on talking to this young pretty lady who showed up out of nowhere. He felt as if he knew her for ages and she felt that his teary eyes hid unspoken words that were killing any trace of happiness on his face, and felt that he was even faking his smile. The party soon ended and his friends were surprised that he spent the last two hours of the party talking to a new girl or at least talking. Mark asked Suzan about her phone number and he gave her his number hoping to see her again.

Days past and the few minutes they spent talking on the phone with each other at the beginning expanded to hours later on. Mark told Suzan about his story: he was in love with a girl who meant the world to him but then she started to ignore his phone calls and never let him meet up with her and he knew later that she was cheating on him. Since then he was changed into another person who was drinking and smoking a lot and who barely ate. He told Suzan that he had lost his real happiness and she noticed that he also lost a lot of weight and looked powerless. These long conversations turned into long meetings between Mark and Suzan. Mark started to have feelings towards Suzan; she was a girl full of passion who has a very caring and lovely heart. She stood beside Mark and helped him return back to his happiness. One day he took her on a ride, “Where are we going?” she asked. He looked at her and said, “To a very nice place.” They reached the place; it was a rocky road and the moment she took a look at the view, she felt dizzy. He parked the car on the edge and the whole town was below. Suzan got out of the car and was amazed by the view. “Wow what a wonderful place”, she said. “I knew you would love it”, he replied. He turned on the Radio and asked her to dance with him; these were the moments that she cherished the most, being with the person who became her world and feeling that she’s being protected from the world are all feelings beyond description. That place on the edge was saving all of Suzan’s happy moments, even though it was scary but it was a secure place in her eyes especially when he took her hand and started to dance. But sometimes living all this happiness has a price that one of them will pay…

With days, Suzan noticed that Mark’s behavior was changing. She was asking him constantly if there was anything going on with him and he always replied with “I’m fine but it’s work that’s distracting me from you. I’ll make it up to you, I promise”. One day Mark forgot he was supposed to meet her and she was waiting for him but he never even called to apologize for not showing up. Suzan had her own concerns and she exposed them to Mark and said, “Are you back with your Ex, Mark?” He gave her a quick glimpse and looked away and answered, “Are you insane? I would never get back with someone who betrayed me.”Suzan looked at him and asked again “Okay then, do you have another new girl in your life? If you do, please let me know and I will leave you but don’t lie to me.” Mark was very angry and he gave her a bad attitude by saying, “If you are trying to find an excuse to leave me  because you have someone new, go ahead and let me know.” His words entered her heart like a knife, especially that she was leaving the country for a month, and she didn’t feel that he would miss her. She felt that he couldn’t wait until she left and now he said these poisoned words that made her feel  that this relationship will die soon; something wrong was going on and it was not her fault at all. She asked him to take her back home, but after he apologized for losing his temper, he didn’t forget to turn on the music and dance. However, this time she couldn’t feel secure while he’s holding her; she wanted the music to stop to have an excuse to stay away from him. She felt his lies just by him looking in her eyes and his hands were so cold and so was his heart because when he said “I love you”, she couldn’t say anything back. She couldn’t say something she didn’t feel at the moment, but instead she said, “I’m going to miss you”. On their way back to her place he said, “All I want you to do is to be happy and enjoy your vacation honey. I want you to be happy, don’t think of me or anything just think of yourself and be happy”. She looked at him and asked, “How could I not think of you?” He smiled and replied, “Because I want you to be happy.”

Suzan left her country to California to spend a month with her relatives, but Mark’s last words were still in her ears. She was so confused and so lost. After she arrived, she kept receiving emails from Mark but only for one week. After that, Mark never replied her emails, and her vacation turned into a sort of jail. She was supposed to enjoy her time and the only thing he asked her to do is to have fun and go out, but with his strange behavior she felt as if she was a prisoner of her painful doubts. Three weeks passed and Suzan called Mark because she was so worried. He answered the phone in a very cold manner that made her think she dialed the wrong number. However, the voice was Mark’s and after a short conversation between them, Suzan asked him why he never replied to her last messages and he replied, “Suzan, honey I’m working here, I have lot of work, and I’m facing a lot of problems at work.” Suzan never said anything except when he asked her when she’s coming back and she told him next week. She was spending her time on the beach that day and after she hung up, she looked at the sea and the angry waves that were breaking on her feet. She cried a lot because she was so wounded and scared.  On her way back home, Suzan spent hours crying on the plane; she had not enjoyed her trip. All she wanted to do is to arrive home and end everything with Mark. But as usual, he never agreed when she told him they should break up; his fake excuses showed up every time saying, ”I was so busy honey, you know things are going at work. I’m sorry if I gave you a hard time”. But Suzan asked him again, “Are you back with your ex? Listen if there is a new girl, even if your ex is back, you can still tell me I will help you to get back to her but don’t ever lie tome or even betray me Mark. All your actions show that you don’t care anymore and I don’t want to be with a person where I will be last in his life. You changed a lot Mark; you are a very different person now”. She looked away trying to hide her tears and continued, “All you asked for me is to be happy but with your behavior you ruined my happiness. I didn’t enjoy my vacation.” Mark held her tight and she could hear his heart beating as if his heart will pop out of his chest and said, “I’m really sorry you are an angel to stand me all this time.”

Doubts started to turn out to be facts in Suzan’s eyes. The more she found out lies about him, the more she felt something was missing in her heart. He always denied that he has anyone in his life but her hunch always told her that he has another one and not just anyone but his Ex specifically. When we have doubts, we feel the pain of not knowing the truth, and when we have a hunch, our heart aches for not believing what people try to tell us.  However, when the truth is finally exposed in front of us, our heart breaks. Suzan’s heart broke after the truth was revealed to her. She met a friend who knew about her and Mark but Suzan was surprised after he told her how sorry he is to know that Mark left her. Suzan asked, “Who told you that?” Her friend said, “No one. I met Mike and his Ex two weeks ago in a party and I thought how hard it is for you to handle this break up.”

Suzan felt like she was about to faint. Within moments she recalled the day she met Mark, the person who was broken, barely could eat, killing himself by smoking and drinking, and she recalled his teary eyes and voice when he said, “You are the first person I talk to in a very long time.” And then she recalled his words when they started to hang out together when he used to say, “You have a wonderful smile sweet lady, it brings happiness to my broken heart.” She also remembered how she used to feel after he says how much he’s broken inside and since then she promised herself to make him the happiest person on earth again. Suzan’s heart felt so heavy, and her legs were paralyzed. She couldn’t even breathe but surprisingly she never shed a tear; she was watching her friend’s lips moving but she couldn’t hear a single word. She got home and wanted to call Mark to tell him about the bitter truth she just found out about him, to scream and let out all the pain inside of her broken heart. She wanted to call to ask him why he did that to her because it was just not fair. She never wished to see him again; she didn’t have the power to see a person who stabbed her in the back. But her short messages to him were just to inform him that she knew about his lies and his return to his Ex and the only one question she asked was: “Why didn’t you let me go when I asked you to many times? Why didn’t you face me with the truth when I asked you if you got back to her?” His reply was long and full of excuses and lies again, and a sentence that drew a sarcastic smile on her face when he said, “You will always be a very special woman to me.”

Suzan’s life was affected by Mark’s absence for many months. She was acting as if she’s fine and doesn’t care, but she collapsed every night she climbed into bed. The memories that she shared with Mark were increasing her pain. His voice kept coming to her ears after he set a song and said, “Let’s dance.”  She recalled his hand taking hers softly, and how secure she felt just by hearing him breathe. She recalled how their light steps were moving and their souls were flying high with happiness. Suzan wondered how could he fake the tenderness I felt, how could he look me in the eye and lie? How could he ignore the truth when I asked him about his Ex? How could he dance on my wounds happily? She thought, “Oh, Dear God, I was dancing with the Devil” …. She never thought he would hurt her because she was standing beside him from the start; she never thought he would lie to her even when she was sure he was because his eyes held enough tears. She thought he would never cause her pain, she trusted that he would never break her heart because he experienced the depth of the pain to have a broken heart. But he was a devil who took her hand for a bleeding dance. She felt happiness by swaying lightly; she never felt that she was dancing on her wounds, and never knew that a piece of her heart was breaking with every step she was taking. But now the music is off, the devil left, the place is full of silence that she fears. She’s alone standing on the edge….

When everything seems to be good, it ends up in a bad way. The rhythm that makes us stand up and dance with happiness might end up suddenly leaving us in the middle of killer silence and a broken heart with bleeding steps taking us nowhere but lots of regrets and pain for meeting the wrong person.

Jinan

Facebook Page : https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

August 15, 2012 Posted by | emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, Hate, Hurt, Love, Memories, others, Past, Promises, silence, Smile, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words | Leave a comment

Who’s Fault Is It?


It’s not about life, it’s about those who are living in it.

When I was a little girl they used to tell me good things to make me smile

Life was so easy maybe because I didn’t understand it

Or maybe because I was too innocent to understand.

They used to teach me to never lie

They said people who lie will always be called bad people

But after I grew up I found out that everyone lies

With bad people enjoying their lives

And honest people are paying the price.

They told me

To be happy,smile and dance in the rain

After I grew up

I knew that most of the times

We smile to hide our pain.

They taught me to cherish friendship in my life

It’s the purest thing I could ever have

A hug from a friend would heal your wounds

After I grew up, there was truth that I lacked

My friend’s hug was an excuse to stab me in the back.

They taught me to be respected and respect people in return

After I grew up I never dared to underestimate others

I respect people for who they are, but they took my respect as a weakness

I get lost in the connection people see with these two words: Respect and Weakness.

They taught me when you love someone, make them happy

Love is something so special, it’s about being faithful

It’s about honesty and sacrifice between two lovers

After I grew up, I knew lovers who became enemies

I see lovers who cheat on their loved ones

Looking at me and begging: “Please, don’t tell.”

I see lovers crying for the absence of their beloved

Their nights turn into days

While the other doesn’t care

Laughing while the one that loves them is in pain.

They used to tell me to never go near fire

Because I will burn myself

I spent my childhood years watching out from fire

And when i grew up I see adults playing with fire but without burns.

When I was a little girl I didn’t act my age

I didn’t play much but I used to read

And they used to tell me “Go play, kids should be playing; adults should read the most.”

After I grew up all I see is adults playing games to trick and set each other up.

Who’s fault is it? Who’s to blame?

Life? People? Or my parents who raised me in a great way?

I grew up to find myself in a jungle

Fearing people I meet, even though I should fear beasts

Everyone is passing by pushing me to get their aim

I am not standing in their way yet all they enjoy doing is hurting me.

Who’s fault is it? Is it my fault that my dreams turned into nightmares?

Or is it my fault since I dared dream?

They taught me lessons that were hard to understand

After I took them in, I grew up to find out these lessons failed me

They should’ve told me not to take life so seriously

They should’ve told me that it’s okay to fail.

All I was doing is studying so hard to be the perfect and polite girl

To never disappoint anyone in my life

But everyone disappointed me…

Who’s fault is it to lose the ability to deal with bad things?

To lose the ability to recognize the good person from the nasty?

I’ve learned my lessons but I failed in the exam

Not because I wasn’t ready, or because I forgot what I studied

But simply because life changed, and someone passed the wrong lessons

And everybody followed.

It’s not my fault that everyone knows these lessons

I was shocked and I cried a lot for not knowing answers when life tested me

It’s not my fault that after I grew up, the lessons changed

It’s not the same, it’s all the opposite… It’s all fake

With every lesson that slowly changed, I quickly learned life’s real lessons.

February 8, 2012 Posted by | emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Life, Love, Memories, others, Parents, Past, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words | 4 Comments

The Release Of My First Book


Hello  everyone, just wanted to announce the release of my first book  ” Let Them Go With A Smile”. It’s on AuthorHouse.com & here’s the link:

http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000478132/Let-Them-Go-With-A-Smile.aspx

December 22, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, Death, Drugs, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Grandfather, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, Nature, news, others, outsiders, Overseas, Parents, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Politics, Poverty, Promises, Qoutes, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Technology, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, USA, Violence, Words, youth | 3 Comments

Woman In Black


She sits in silence her tears pouring down, her hands shivering and dancing to the rhythm of her heart beat.  It’s a glimpse into what surrounds her, a past that turns her world around. Calling out names of people who have faded away, nothing in her ears except the echo shaking her cold body.  Nothing in her eyes but tears, she’s a woman in black living moments of fear…

What covered her soul with sadness? What made her wings too weak to fly as high as she had dreamed? She had been an angel with a pure heart, no wounds caused by lies, not afraid to walk in the sunshine, wise and full of life.  Now she’s an aching heart, dancing in the dark with broken wings.  When she falls and another wound appears on her body, she’s content with her bleeding skin.  But there are other wounds that are hidden inside of her heart.

 She heads to her closet to pick a colorful dress, maybe it can help her to take a step to happiness, she hope so anyway.  If she could change the colour she wears, picking her favorite dress with a broken smile, she thinks she might change her dark mood for a colorful one.  But standing in front of her mirror, what she sees is herself wearing black again, how come she wondered looking down, it’s a colorful dress, but a glimpse into the mirror and it’s black again…  It’s the reflection of her aching soul in the mirror, that can’t allow her to be happy, won’t allow her to fool herself by covering her body with a colorful dress.  She’s not smart enough to fool her soul, it’s not about her body, it’s about what lies within.  When skin is wounded it bleeds, but then it heals.  Maybe there will be a scar as a reminder of the wound, maybe not.  But when her soul is wounded, it is a hurt without bleeding or screaming, and she is lost in a body that doesn’t know what to do.  A wounded prisoner in a sad body, that can’t give up, yet can’t escape.  That is the blackness in the woman’s soul… 

She would break her mirror to destroy the truth she’s denying….  The truth that hurts, the truth that would always be there…  Leaving her room the pieces of her mirror cover the floor, they seem to her like shards of her aching soul….  Please Lord give me strength she screams silently, asking for the power to feel strong enough, to stand up on her own again.  She has faith to ask God for help, to look up in prayer when everything else would turn her down.  When none of those passing can give their hands to help her up, only God is willing to do that. 

She knows that all those who came her way may be good people, but still they turned, to become a pain in her life, turned now into illusion.  The love she gave taken for granted, the friends she trusted have left her alone with doubt, and those who passed away have left her with a dead heart and a soul in pain, turning her days into black.  So many questions she asks herself.  Asking why?  Such an easy and short word, but the answer is so complicated and hard.  Walking slowly with breaking steps, she’s too young to feel old this way.  She’s full of life, so why is she’s dying silently everyday?  What makes her switch on the light in the middle of the day, when the sun is shining and warm? She lives in the light but sees nothing but darkness, she has her own world no one else can enter, to be there to share her pain.  All she sees is darkness, opening her eyes or closing them, it’s all the same.  Who should she blame that the light has left her life?  Who would take her hand and walk slowly with her, who can show her the way.  Who would be brave enough, kind enough, to make her feel safe?  She tries through her faith to light her way, she asks for God’s help in all the ways she knows. She has none beside her except God and her faith.

She’s a young woman who was surrounded by big numbers of friends, but started to lose them one by one until she ended up alone.  She has memories that she keeps of things she can’t feel or see any more.  The breeze touching her face, the flowers and the trees playing in breeze, the giggling of kids and their innocent faces.  Recalling them makes her feel a little alive, but all that she hears is a killing silence that she fears.  She can feel the happiness of other women with their children and their men when they are pass her by, but yet she can’t dare to wish to have a family and kids too.  It’s spring time and the sun is shining outside, she touches her lips making sure she’s smiling, heads to her closet to try to figure out which colorful dress to wear, picking her blue dress, she never looks at her mirror.  Standing on her balcony she tries to be strong, a passing neighbor tells her she looks good today, she smiles, forgets herself and goes to see herself in the mirror, all she sees is black.  Her soulful eyes fill with tears, ruining her make up, she breaks down on the floor, and breaks another mirror, it’s not her mirrors fault.

Darkness is covering her life.  There is only her faith left now to light up her way.  She searches again and again through her faith to re-find her security and joy.  She’s a blind woman fighting every day to find her way back to happiness.  In the past she was a happy girl full of life.  They all see her as the girl in the ever-changing colourful dresses, she has her own world.  In her sight everything has changed, she has forgotten the sensation of being happy, she accepts the bitter fact, she’s a woman in black.

 Jinan

Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

May 25, 2011 Posted by | Accidents, childhood, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Nature, others, outsiders, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Violence, Words, youth | 11 Comments

One Last Chance


For the young guy Jason, nothing would be the same, losing the only girl he loved is a fact he has to accept. Through the years since he had met her, she had been like a soft breeze who made his life different in a good way.  After suffering from very painful issues through the years, she was like almost the breath he takes, meeting her had been the only thing to make him forget his grief…  But like every guy, he had a dream to achieve, and he wanted to achieve that dream, regardless of who will lose on his way to reaching that success.  He lost his track, the company he kept, the places that hold nothing but sins, he was losing the meaning of his life, he was losing the person he loved most.

Achieving his dream became nothing but an excuse to do whatever he wanted to do, to run from himself and forget.  From what he had been through since he lost his dad when he was a little baby.  His father left his mother and him before he got to know him.  And when he got used to the presence of the man who took his father’s place in his life, just when he started calling him dad, his step-father passed away.  To Jason, that felt like losing his real dad, and left him in a lot of pain.  Between knowing that his real father was still alive, but also feeling the grief of losing the person who taught him the real meaning of fatherhood, Jason was living his life searching for something he thought he would never find.

He was searching for himself.  The challenges he faced, the questions without answer he used to ask were to satisfy his curiosity. He was the guy with a big heart trying to find the lost part himself. Singing and playing music was the only things that helped him to find peace in the world.  Since he was seven years old he had dreamed of being a singer one day.  Even when he grew up that thought never left his mind.  But life always has something to surprise him, and when he was twenty his mother passed away, leaving her young guy in the middle of nowhere.  She was the one who supported him, she was his shoulder to cry on.  She raised him in a great way and used to encourage him to chase his dream. Losing his mother would lead Jason onto the wrong track.  Though his friends were there for him, his mother’s loss blinded his eyes and his soul and he lost his faith in everything.  Losing his faith drove him into many sins, he turned his back on his good friends and never wanted to hear from them. Even the girl who he loved, he was blind enough to break her heart.  He was living in denial.  Denying himself, his friends, his faith, he was moving slowly into a long dark tunnel without even noticing it.  As the years passed, Jason walked deeper and deeper in the darkness.  He was attracted to it, through his mourning for the loss of his mom, for his step-dad, and even for the first loss he had before he recognized that he had, his real dad.  Life was a battle for Jason, achieving his dream took him in a wrong direction, and in achieving it he also achieved everything he never wanted. 

But a wake-up call was sent to him and he opened his eyes to the bitter facts.  He didn’t only lose his family, he had also lost himself.  He looked around at the people who entered his life and have a bad affect on his behavior.  Though he used to feel relief when he prayed, he started to fear God due to all the mistakes he had made.  He had been lost for many years, but now once again his mother’s spirit surrounded him, and woke him up before he was drawn any further into this darkness he had put himself in.  Jason opened his eyes to see that everyone who mattered had left him and he was alone.  Trying to sing, but it was all sad songs, he gave up on his music dream.  And he turned to chase the one who he had let go, he wanted to return to the only real person he loved backin his past , even if she was now little more for him than a dream….

For Jason, waking as if after he had slept for years, not only was his head heavy and aching, but even his soul.  He felt that he filled it with sins, and filled his girl’s heart with agony and wounds. He recalled all the chances he missed, recollecting all the photos that held both of them, he missed being with her.  Running back to her, hoping to have another chance, he called her name but she ignored him.  He visited her, and although she opened the door she considered him a stranger… His tears were pouring asking for forgiveness, but her heart was frozen due to the wounds he had caused.  With those wounds still wide open, she couldn’t give him one last chance, she couldn’t even bear to touch his hand.  What did I do to the girl I loved the most he tried to recall, but refreshing his memory made him feel guilty for the love he had pushed away.  Nothing good was left in his life, blaming himself, crying all the time, even the dream he held since he was little boy had let him down. He thought that singing was the thing that he most wanted to do, however, he stepped on everyone’s who cared for him just to achieve his dream. Between all his losses, he had, he lost himself too.  He had let other’s down, he disappointed them when they were ready to do anything to stand by his side. 

He had pushed them all away, and now he had to stand up alone, trying to get to his faith back, and trying to rebuild his life.  Sitting on his sofa, holding his guitar and singing his sad songs about himself, imagining his life as a movie that can never be happy one.  The images he has in his mind are ones that were never captured on camera, those are the most valuable images, of those he loved the most, but who he is now sitting alone without.  It’s not easy to be away from someone who filled your life with love, the emptiness it leaves is painful.  Jason tried his best to ask his girl to give him one last chance, but all she gave him was a reflection of the way he had treated her.  It’s hard to keep chasing someone when they are running away and that was what was happening with his girl.  You get tired, and they would keep chasing their grievances from the past.  It is so hard after losing your faith and taking the wrong track, to find those who you crushed because of your blindness, are still alive but there is no way for you to return to them.  And that’s what Jason felt, that though she was still there breathing, inwardly she was dead.  He had killed the love himself, he couldn’t blame her, but he missed her.  After all the chances he had missed and all the warm feelings she had showed him. He had always neglected them, for some reason, for many reasons…

He waited and hoped for a last chance to show her that he had changed. But whenever he met her and felt her hands like ice, no feelings appeared in her eyes… He stood there in silence watching her taking another step away from him, every step causing a new wound in his heart. It doesn’t matter now for her, but for him he’s dying silently and begging the Lord for a miracle to make her turn back, look at him and give him one last chance. She never did, and he gave up asking for her forgiveness, what was broken can never be rebuild again.  Things could never be the same, there would always be a scar to remind them, there would always be tears shed when recalling the reason for this scar….  Just like when we see the sun disappearing behind the sea, we miss the moment when we take their love for granted, when we do the things that hurt them and push them away, it never occurs to us until we watch them fading away, only then we know how much they means to us.  It is our decision to lose those we love, but we watch them leaving and only then realize we are left with just the darkness and the night….

Jason realized how he let his losses affect his life, by trying to forget the loss of his mother he had suffered other losses, the only girl he loved and who will never be back to his life, and himself too.  So he gathered the pieces of his broken heart.  He knew the mistakes he made and learned a lot from them.  He doesn’t want to ask anyone to give him a chance anymore.  He’s a new guy now, working on himself to be better person.  Though the scars will always be there, though the tears will always flow when he misses her, it was his choice and he’s paying the price for making them.  Playing his guitar and singing to entertain himself, he’s back on the right track now.  He’s now aware, more than ever, he won’t ask anyone for another chance to forgive him.  If people don’t want to see that he deserves it, then let it be.  As for him, he will give himself one last chance, because he knows he deserves it.  People make mistakes but the most important thing is that you know you are on the wrong track and get back to right one.  If you apologize for what you did, that is the first step on your way to change.  If they don’t accept your apology, never beg others to give you a chance.

You are the one who deserves it, allow yourself to have it, especially if you have only One Last Chance…

  Jinan

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Jinan-Zeidan/134380173267195

May 14, 2011 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, Mother, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words, youth | 7 Comments

Human Just Like You


“Please stop”. How many people have shouted these words?  And how many others scream it silently on the inside?  When a person forgets that the one they hurt is a human too, the violence can cross the limits and can so easily end in death. How many families are facing this issue? I prefer to name it “disease” or “addiction”, when the human mind stops working, stops thinking, then the path is open to violence in their thoughts. When their brain stops working, from holding them back from beating their victim, they forget who is this person they are looking at, if it’s their mother, their child, their sister or even their wife. They become addicted to beating others.  It may take away all their anger and the stress for them, but puts it all on the wrong person. It’s a disease indeed, it is spread all over the world, and destroys families and lives.

How many women are beaten to death, but no one knows about them? They might have screamed and begged for mercy, and their children might have seen and witnessed what happened to their mother, but what can a child do?  As much as it affects the mother, it will also affect the kids.  Will they be violent with their friends or their own families when they grow up?  Or does the inner injurious they have suffered make them live in fear?   Afraid they cannot protect themselves, will they always consider anyone a danger to their life, because the closest person to them has caused so much damage.  Will they always have the fear to die by violence. When I think about those who are violent to others, firstly I believe they don’t know God, because if they do they would fear to hurt his creatures.  They are hurting someone of flesh and blood, and the bruises they leave on faces and bodies, the bleeding marks, the fear in the eyes, the insecurity they dig into a soul, and the fearful sleepless nights, they become this wild person who might sneak into the room and hit them if they dared to dream and do not stay awake in fear.

Those who cause all this unbearable pain to others don’t know God, or fear him. It is the devil’s work in their soul when their mind stops working, when they stop from thinking wisely and become wild. They have nothing to be grateful for, because if they did they would find peace of mind.  We always think, what if we are in their shoes, and we don’t know what they are going through to act like that, but I can’t even imagine being in their shoes.  The reason it is so hard to know what they are thinking is simply because they are not thinking. Only imagining a child’s eyes begging someone to stop beating them… It makes me wish if I can do anything to stop this violence that is spread all over the world.  Violence has many faces, it’s not only physical, there is also verbal aggression as well, that kind of violence can injure more than physical harm. The words they use to oppress and control is so harsh and ruthless, it could push someone to suicide. Words could harm more than a bullet sometimes.  It plays with people’s mind, leaves them thinking they are nothing, or that they did something bad that they never did. Making others feel guilt for something they never did, can cause the problem to spread. Playing on their distress might make them lose their mind, may drive them to act in a very wrong way.  If they might act in a wrong way with others, then they who are the victim are changed into the criminal without ever thinking about what they are doing.

Many reasons can change people and drive them to be hard to deal with; they lose control of their life, or circumstances force them to face difficulties that show up out of nowhere.  Lately there are economic problems that affect the whole world and leave thousands homeless.  Many others are left without work, this issue can create more violence.  Some have killed their families because they don’t want them to live in poverty, they have just lost hope, and faith of course too.  Because if they had faith they would pray to God help them, but in their situation, the shock they have received, their brain stops working and they took their own life.  Others may become more violent and start to steal to feed their families, they don’t want to, but they have no choice, this kind of people are not dangerous like others, they became violent in a sudden way, under specific conditions, but with time they will be addicted to it.

Also, the people making dangerous weapons and the countries that make deals with each other to gain money; but the price they gain is different from the price that the victim will pay.  Thousands of children’s souls, thousands of families torn apart, thousands of victims still alive but having lost their hands or legs, those who will pay the price are not those who sell the weapons. This kind of violence is the most dangerous, because the one who is violent is a whole country.  This violence never looks in the child’s eyes begging for it to stop, or asking him about his parents who died in the war. To sell weapons and gain money, the more money gained means the more victims will have died without having the chance to know who was behind this. But the one behind this is a person who never knew God, his job is to kill and gain, he’s not concerned about the blood that‘s spreading everywhere, his concern is only to win the game.

Violence has so many faces, it runs at all levels, high and low.  We might find a cure to those who are violent to their families or their friends, but when it comes to those who create wars and kill people without mercy we find ourselves paralyzed.  We can’t do anything but pray that God will light their minds and make them realize that we all are human also, like them…

Whatever the kind of violence that people are facing, the victim is always a person, not a thing. A person that has feelings, a person from flesh and blood.  When you hit someone or beat them, the tears they cry and the words they say to make you stop, and yet you continue beating them without thinking, then the devil’s spirit increases in your soul and mind.  Why can you not stop and think about why they scream, why you feel you want to beat them, why you say words to harm them deeply and leave a painful trace that no one can ever erase.  Look at their eyes, the tears they are crying, try to feel their pain and hear the words they are trying to say every time they raise their hands to cover their face to protect themselves.  There is always words they scream – but you never hear. 

“Please stop. I’m a human just like you!”

  Jinan

January 22, 2011 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, Hate, Human Rights, Hurt, Letters, Life, Memorial, Memories, others, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Speak, suicide, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Violence, Wars, Words, youth | 36 Comments

A Game To Play


Looking at her happy face made me feel satisfied for her, that she had just found love again, after she lost her beloved years ago. She had found it hard to let a new person break the walls she had built, had thought that she could never betray his love, even after his death. But today she was talking and talking about her new love, how she never thought she might again find some-one who would make her heart beat like this.  Her ex beloved had been a perfect example for how a guy should love and treat a girl.
I felt as if I know the guy she was talking about.  Through her way of describing him, through her depth of words in describing him, I felt he was strongly there with us.
“How can you tell if he’s playing with your feelings?” I asked.
She replied with confidence: “He’s honest, he said he never lied”.
Days go by and the new love was growing deeply in the young girl’s heart, every day was a new happiness for her, every moment was a new reason to love life more. A year passed by, and the young girl was facing difficulties with her new beloved, one month they are happy, and another month they are fighting.  She used to tell me that she’s thinking about leaving him, but she can’t. She was always assuming – what if he needed her while she’s not talking to him?  What if he has a hard time and needs to talk to her?  Her eyes were always wet, full of hidden tears. She was trying her best to never cry, but in the end she always did.
He never deserved that kind of girl; he was playing games all the time. Though she knew and felt that, she also never really knew why she wanted to stay. Maybe because from the start he asked her to never leave him, and while they were together he kept asking her to never leave. She hoped that the deep love she had towards him would make her want to stand by him no matter what. She might be mistaken to stay with someone who’s not honest, but she wasn’t the kind of girl who loves selfishly. Even when she knows when she should leave, reading the signs wasn’t enough for her. But also eventually, finding that he’s not truthful through his behavior, makes her  decide to leave him for good. He never even tried to ask her to stay, or to defend himself over his mistakes that she saw. She was telling me with a choking voice about the messages she sent to him, and how he never replied to any of them.
Though her wounded pride still kills her, she believes that she’ll get over her love someday. I see her every day, acting like a happy girl, but inwardly so sad.  She may trick people into convincing them how strong she is, but deep inside all she feels is weak.  Her hidden secret revealed every night when she goes to bed, the walls of confidence breaking down, leaving her feeling insecure. She takes off her happy face, the mask to hide her sadness. The silent pain that she has, never  starts talking loudly until she’s alone, surrounded by calmness and tears.
For this young girl, love has changed her life. The first love who died years ago, made her built walls to protect herself from falling in love again. Her fear back then was that death may again steal a new beloved. But when she got over her fears, she opened her heart again for another guy. She never imagined that some people love to play games with other’s feelings. She used to think that the only thing that might separate her from the person she loved would be  death. But death has mercy more than those who decide to use another’s feelings as a game to play. 
If God decides to take away someone’s life, then that is just the right time for them to leave this world.  But for those who decide to break someone’s heart just to have fun, they are so away from knowing God.  If they knew God or had any relation with God, they would know that he exists in everyone of us, including those who’s feelings they have played with.
I don’t know the reasons that push people to cheat on their loved ones. Or to lie and play games behind their back.  Especially when they are loved by an honest person who cares for them and is ready to do anything just to make them happy. Is it selfishness that leads people to do that in order to feel satisfied themselves? Or do they lack some confidence, and by acting in that way with others and seeing them suffering, they feel happy for achieving something? Is it because in their conception, making others suffer means they are lovable? Whatever the reason behind their behavior, immaturity is playing a big role in their lives. Perhaps being away from God is also a reason that makes them cause pain for someone.   Making a person who truly loves you feel insulted with wounded pride is the worst thing someone might cause to another. It’s amazing how deep feelings change a persons life. It puts them in upper places, where they feel as if they are flying so high. But when that is covered with lies, it is weird how the same feelings affect their life by throwing them from the high sky immediately to bury them under the ground.
When someone decides to play with another’s heart and feelings, they are building themselves up by pulling another down. When a person decides to play a game with another’s heart without thinking of the others feelings, then their own life is losing its meaning with time, their connection with others will fade away, and their opportunity of having someone new in their lives is decreasing. They may enjoy playing their games and think they have won, but after the other person who gave so much of his or her time and love is left standing in silent anger, what have they really won? 

Jinan

December 16, 2010 Posted by | Death, emotions, English, fear, Footprints, forgiveness, friendship, Hurt, Letters, Life, Love, Memories, others, Past, Peace, play with feelings, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Words | 26 Comments

Behind Closing Doors


Have you ever looked deeply in their eyes? There is a hidden message, have you ever read it? Through their silence, did you try to hear their unspoken words? They were screaming for help, have you ever heard them? When they take away their own life, you judge them as bad people or even unstable ones, but who knows what they have been through to reach that level of depression that pushed them to commit suicide? Behind closing doors we never know what’s going on in other’s lives.

People face a tremendous number of troubles, a few prefer to consult a psychologist, and some think that it’s a personal issue no one should interfere with. In the other hand they drown in the troubles. They keep on increasing until they lose control of themselves; they pay the price or the people who are close to them pay the price. Sometimes, the problem may be a very simple one, but it depends on the age of the person. When a 10 year old boy/girl faces a situation of bullying in school, at the same time he/she might have family problems and no one is there to listen to them. That for sure would affect their life, especially with the insecurity they are facing in their home. They would be having difficulties in their study, and also lack of self-esteem. They would think that they are not welcome in this life, instead of having good time in school to forget their problems at home, they are being scared to go there watching everyone destroying them. And when they go back home after school, instead of having a loving family who can help them, they are having a hard time with their parents. For them it is as if they are moving from hell to hell. When those children commit suicide, then everyone would wake up, and start searching for the reasons that lead that child to take away his/her life. They start wondering and recalling how they were always calm; they were polite and never talked in a loud voice. They were obeying, never hurt anyone. At home their parents go to check if there are any obstacles that their child was facing in school, and there they know what was going on with their child, but after what? After they lost them. Where were they when their child was coming back from school with teary eyes? Where were they when they called him/her for lunch and said they prefer to stay in their room? Where were they when their child woke up crying and feeling scared not knowing what to do. They never think of their child until after they lose them. They then remember that they should go and ask about what was happening with their child. This is what I call selfish. When parents want to be selfish, why would they get married? When they don’t want to protect their children with their eyes, why would they have children? If they are immature to solve their troubles with wisdom, why would they involve other lives in theirs?

 We don’t expect a 10 year old child or even 15 years old teen to get what’s going on around them. When it’s too much to handle, especially at this age , they need caring people to keep on watching over them and guiding them to the right track, because even if they passed that phase in their life, they might drown later when they get older. They would be involved in other issues, like: drugs, violence, stealing etc.. If they opened their eyes watching their dad violent with their mom, they would do the same when they get married, and they would consider their actions right, because their dad is their idle. We never know what’s going on behind closing doors. Families face battles, and the silence that covers up, we would explore suddenly with hearing shocking news, and our first thought is: “They looked like a very happy family, what happened to them?” But the truth is, they’ve never been a happy family, their home’s doors were closing all the time, and we never know what was going on there. However, some people love to judge others; it’s in their nature. They never look at the reasons that led to that person to take way his/her life; they always focus on the result.

A little accident happened with me lately. Someone knocked on our door, I opened up and I saw an old man in his early 60’s. He seemed lost, something in his eyes made me wonder at the same moment what’s with that man. He asked me about my dad, I replied that dad is not home. I was about to ask him if he would like to leave a message to dad, he left me talking to myself and turned his back and left. My mom came at that moment and saw me and the expression on my face because of how he left. She asked me: “Who’s that? And what does he want?” I was really shocked and said, “What’s going on with that man? He just left me talking to myself without saying a word of thanks. I was kind of not satisfied about what he did, especially that I was very polite with him. My mother smiled for what happened with me, but in someway, that man stuck on my head. I kept thinking of what was wrong with him, he seemed very lost, his eyes were really teary. I felt something wrong with him and that’s why he was on my mind until a few days ago, I heard that he committed suicide. I was shocked, and recalled the moment I opened the door and saw him standing there lost, as if he’s searching for something. I knew the reason why he left me talking to myself without even saying “Thank you” or if as he’ll come again later. I recognized how much he was not there even when he was there asking about my dad. He wasn’t focusing on what he’s doing or with whom he’s talking. Later on, I knew from others who knew that man that he has tremendous troubles in his family and with his son. I wish I never saw him. I keep wondering why did he give up at this age? He must have been in a very difficult situation through his life, but why would he give up now? He’s supposed to be stronger and wiser to deal with his problems. But then again, I’m not in his shoes to know what was going on with that old man. I keep recalling his teary eyes and wish I could help him. I never knew that people at this age might take away their life too. Now I know more than ever, that no matter how strong the person might be, no matter how happy the person might look, in one moment he might be the weakest, and in one moment he might collapse and break down. 

Never bully a person, you should be thinking that you may be pushing them to end their lives. Never ignore the tears you see in other’s eyes, with one question you ask: “Are you okay? Can I help you?” you may be saving his life by knowing that there is someone ready to open his arms and hold them and stand by them. Always try to make those who feel insecure, feel security. Find a way and show them love and care, you may be helping them to live longer.

Behind closing doors, there is a hidden secret; you can’t break those doors to find the truth. But at least, never judge in a bad way on those who take away their life, or even on those who try to and fail. Ask yourself why didn’t you wipe their tears at least once? Why didn’t you hear them screaming instead of closing your ears? Why didn’t you think to solve their problems when they kept silent? It’s true that their home’s door was closed and you couldn’t do anything to help, but why didn’t you ever take the chance to get close to them when they opened the door and left their home, instead of judging them?

  Jinan

November 28, 2010 Posted by | childhood, Death, emotions, English, fear, forgiveness, friendship, Hate, Letters, Life, Love, Memorial, Memories, Mother, news, others, outsiders, Parents, Past, Peace, Poverty, Promises, silence, Smile, Speak, suicide, Thought, Trust, unfaithful, Violence, Words, youth | 6 Comments